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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rod on January 19, 2006, at 11:08:05
... that it takes a load of drugs, to realize how crappy my live is?
Repression ..... thats my key word.
I repressed so much problems actually. My Depression crippled my mind, I was unable to realize my situation..
But I can feel some improvement. Although I havent cried that much in my whole life than in the last weeks... I feel some there are some "barriers", "blockades" which are going away... and all the thoughts they repressed for years, comes out.. in bursts.
it all started 2 weeks before christmas, when I was sitting in fornt of my computer... I thought about my parents, childhood... and then all of a suden a memory popped up.. I saw a picture and could remember the voice of my mother saying something to me... And now comes the weired part. In this very moment, a thick book on my desk, which is standing there for a year or so, toppled down. bang. huh? I dont know why the book toppled down. strange... I live in the apartment my mother grew up, and my granfather died (found him dead on the floor on 24. December.. ).... anyway
I know have realized that my parents actually care a sh*t about me. Money is more important to them than how I am... well. its hard for me.
But that all is a BIG CHANGE in my live, in my perception of my life. My life is crap. I am lonely and want to be loved.. like everyone on earth (I guess).
well well. I even augment my current cocktail with Procyclidine to keep me away from doing ... stupid things.
150mg Clomipramine
75mg Nortriptyline
Selegiline (~10mg)
30mg Nicergoline
1mg Clonazepam at night
and Procyclidine as needed....I am changing. my point of views change. I think thats great
And I think about augmenting my med regime with 2 little, fuzzy, purring cats :-)
oh well, just wanted to say hello
And that I think that clomipramine isnt a high octane dumb drug. Its more like a anti-excitotoxicity smart drug :P
thanks for stopping by and reading.
bye
R
Posted by rod on January 19, 2006, at 12:45:43
In reply to Isnt it funny..., posted by rod on January 19, 2006, at 11:08:05
> ... that it takes a load of drugs, to realize how crappy my live is?
>
> Repression ..... thats my key word.
>
> I repressed so much problems actually. My Depression crippled my mind, I was unable to realize my situation..
>
> But I can feel some improvement. Although I havent cried that much in my whole life than in the last weeks... I feel some there are some "barriers", "blockades" which are going away... and all the thoughts they repressed for years, comes out.. in bursts.
>
> it all started 2 weeks before christmas, when I was sitting in fornt of my computer... I thought about my parents, childhood... and then all of a suden a memory popped up.. I saw a picture and could remember the voice of my mother saying something to me... And now comes the weired part. In this very moment, a thick book on my desk, which is standing there for a year or so, toppled down. bang. huh? I dont know why the book toppled down. strange... I live in the apartment my mother grew up, and my granfather died (found him dead on the floor on 24. December.. ).... anyway
>
> I know have realized that my parents actually care a sh*t about me. Money is more important to them than how I am... well. its hard for me.
>
> But that all is a BIG CHANGE in my live, in my perception of my life. My life is crap. I am lonely and want to be loved.. like everyone on earth (I guess).
>
> well well. I even augment my current cocktail with Procyclidine to keep me away from doing ... stupid things.
>
> 150mg Clomipramine
> 75mg Nortriptyline
> Selegiline (~10mg)
> 30mg Nicergoline
> 1mg Clonazepam at night
> and Procyclidine as needed....
>
> I am changing. my point of views change. I think thats great
>
> And I think about augmenting my med regime with 2 little, fuzzy, purring cats :-)
>
> oh well, just wanted to say hello
>
> And that I think that clomipramine isnt a high octane dumb drug. Its more like a anti-excitotoxicity smart drug :P
>
> thanks for stopping by and reading.
>
> bye
> R
>
>
I forgot to say that the phrase of my mother I remembered, might explain quite everything in my life... I guess it was "burned" into my subconscious...
Posted by linkadge on January 19, 2006, at 13:01:53
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny..., posted by rod on January 19, 2006, at 12:45:43
Didn't mean to insult clomipramine. I mean it is a good antidepressant. I just thought it was a little funny that I got up in the night and just about started to pee in the laundry hamper instead of the toilate :) Though there could have been other factors in my out-of-it-ness.
Linkadge
Posted by Phillipa on January 19, 2006, at 21:11:06
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny..., posted by linkadge on January 19, 2006, at 13:01:53
Link did you really? Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by rod on January 20, 2006, at 4:14:00
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny..., posted by linkadge on January 19, 2006, at 13:01:53
> Didn't mean to insult clomipramine. I mean it is a good antidepressant. I just thought it was a little funny that I got up in the night and just about started to pee in the laundry hamper instead of the toilate :) Though there could have been other factors in my out-of-it-ness.
>
> Linkadge
>
>LOL
:)
R
Posted by linkadge on January 20, 2006, at 9:51:17
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny... » linkadge, posted by rod on January 20, 2006, at 4:14:00
Yes its true. There must have been some sort faulty messaging going on. If not using the toilate, I am using the hamper. I must have got the two actions crossed.
I did a lot of other absentminded stuff like that on clomipramine, like I spent 1/2 hour looking for my glasses, and they were on my head! But at least I was happy :)
Linkadge
Linkadge
Posted by crazy teresa on January 20, 2006, at 10:59:23
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny..., posted by rod on January 19, 2006, at 12:45:43
I'm back on my soapbox with "Changes That Heal", because it truly changed the way I live my life. This book helped me soooo much to deal with the fact that decisions people make are in fact, their decisions, however much we may not agree with the decision in itself.
It is your mom's coice to value $ over you, and yes it sucks, and yes, it hurts, and yes, it messes with our heads, but it was her choice to make.Unfortunately, we still have to deal with the consequences others' decisions bring into our lives, but just understanding this concept helped me move on from the attitude of neediness and perpetual dissapointment of 'what-can-I-do-to-make-you-love-me-the-way-I-need-to-be-loved' to one of 'I hope some day my mother will choose to make an effort to have a mutually beneficial, enjoyable relationship with me.' If she doesn't, it's her loss; I could be a fan-freaking-tastic daughter to her. (I still am at every opportunity I have to be one.) But until she wants this kind of a relationship with me, too, our relationship will continue to be what it is, one based on her illness and my self-preservation from her and her illness.
Even here in BabbleLand, this plays out over and over. It was bobster's choice to block Lar. We don't like it, nor agree with it, but he made his choice. We have to live with it. It ain't gonna change. Have there been consequences for making us live with this decision? I can see a several. And it makes you wonder if one of them is so few attending in Toronto.
Back to mom; the entire process of there must be something wrong with ME for her to act this way, is wrong thinking. In fact, the way she acts toward me is just the way she is period. An unmedicated bipolar, who is not willing to help herself get better.
It's a great place to be, once you 'get it.'
I'm glad you're feeling better, even if you start peeing in the hamper! ;~}
Posted by Declan on January 20, 2006, at 13:55:04
In reply to Re: Isnt it funny... » rod, posted by crazy teresa on January 20, 2006, at 10:59:23
This is what is meant by acceptance, isn't it? It's a deceptively simple word, but can be hard to do/allow/whatever. And then when it happens you are so free. Maybe it's like those involuntary things like love and forgiveness. You can't MAKE them happen.
Declan
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