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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on March 12, 2005, at 0:35:44
The subject line is in jest, but the problem is serious.
After a depressive episode following a February 27th coke binge, and after finally feeling better, I went out Wednesday night and did it again: drank a lot, did a lot of cocaine, and got myself into some (non-legal) trouble.
Here I sit, typing this message, hoping someone can come to the rescue with some words of encouragement, words to allay my fears that two binges in two weeks, each lasting a few hours, and followed by a devestating depression (guilt, worrying about health, about losing my job, etc.), wouldn't have been enough to make this depression permanent, to cause permanent brain damage, to throw away almost two years' worth of abstinence, to ruin my ability to feel pleasure at all.
So I languish here, in bed, in the middle an otherwise unfurnished bedroom I rented only three weeks ago, on the other side of the country from my family, feeling completely and helplessly out of control, but knowing, at least, I have /some/ control in that I recognize these slips as a problem.
So ... did I do it this time? Did I "screw up" that last time to break the camel's back? Will I /ever/ be happy, move above this?
Is there a drug I can take to help me feel better sooner?
Are my cognitive abilities, my executive-lobe functioning irreversibly damaged after two nights of cocaine and binge drinking to the point of blackout?
Am I going to get nose bleeds now? I've never had one, but suddenly I have an uncanny fear I'll spontaneously begin getting them ... oh my god!
Help! I feel horrible and afraid.
amd
Posted by Minnie-Haha on March 12, 2005, at 13:45:47
In reply to Oops! I Did it Again, posted by AMD on March 12, 2005, at 0:35:44
> ... After a depressive episode following a February 27th coke binge, and after finally feeling better, I went out Wednesday night and did it again: drank a lot, did a lot of cocaine, and got myself into some (non-legal) trouble...
>
> So ... did I do it this time? Did I "screw up" that last time to break the camel's back? Will I /ever/ be happy, move above this?
>
> Is there a drug I can take to help me feel better sooner?
>
> Are my cognitive abilities, my executive-lobe functioning irreversibly damaged after two nights of cocaine and binge drinking to the point of blackout?
>
> Am I going to get nose bleeds now? I've never had one, but suddenly I have an uncanny fear I'll spontaneously begin getting them ... oh my god!
I feel for you! Are you getting psychotherapy right now? If not, I think that would be the #1 best thing for you to do. You may need a (new?) drug, but I think more than anything you need to talk about your addictions and your fears with someone qualified to help you sort through these issues. If you can't afford a therapist, find a minister or rabbi, or a support group in your area. Those options should be free or very low cost.Good luck... and don't forget to breathe!
Posted by Phillipa on March 12, 2005, at 16:21:01
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by Minnie-Haha on March 12, 2005, at 13:45:47
AMD, Maybe you should move over to the Withdrawal Board, or Addictions Board. There may be more helpful words of wisdom. I hope you feel better, don't beat yourself up. And, no I don't think you've permanently damaged your brain. And I don't think you will begin to have nosebleeds. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 0:38:42
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by Phillipa on March 12, 2005, at 16:21:01
I don't think you've caused any permanant damage. I do think that you *have* found drugs that make you feel immediately, the problem is it doesn't last and you feel worse afterwards. Not to mention the guilt. There's always antabuse or probably other drugs I don't know about but you have to be commited and actually take them. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
Rick
Posted by AMD on March 13, 2005, at 2:16:39
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 0:38:42
So you don't think I constricted my blood vessels and have subtly caused myself stroke or other brain damage? What about the lining of my nose? Should I expect nosebleeds soon? If I'm not bleeding now, will they occur in a few days, or in the future, assuming I completely abstain from the cocaine? (I can't remember the last time I had one, but it was probably more than 20 years ago; I'm 28.)
I'm at the 72 hour point, almost, and I feel like I'm a little less depressed, a little less anxious, but I'm definitely obsessing over my brain and nose.
I hope I haven't done damage... :-(
amd
Posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 12:44:23
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 0:38:42
> There's always antabuse or probably other drugs I don't know about but you have to be commited and actually take them.
That was um, an unfortunate choice of words, what I meant to say is you have to be determined or something like that.
Posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 12:47:07
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by AMD on March 13, 2005, at 2:16:39
You might get a nosebleed, I certainly had quite a few of them from coke or meth. It isn't permanent, it's just your bodies way of healing itself.
Rick
Posted by AMD on March 13, 2005, at 20:05:56
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 12:47:07
I just suddenly have this fear of a performated septum. Where does that happen anyhow? Anterior part of the nose (near the front)? Can you actually see if there's damage? I look and it looks mostly healthy (light pink) as far as I can tell. I'm hoping I'm OK. I have a doctor appointment this week to tell for sure.
Posted by AMD on March 13, 2005, at 20:06:17
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by gromit on March 13, 2005, at 12:47:07
I just suddenly have this fear of a perforated septum. Where does that happen anyhow? Anterior part of the nose (near the front)? Can you actually see if there's damage? I look and it looks mostly healthy (light pink) as far as I can tell. I'm hoping I'm OK. I have a doctor appointment this week to tell for sure.
[perforated!]
Posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 11:10:21
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by AMD on March 13, 2005, at 20:06:17
> I just suddenly have this fear of a perforated septum. Where does that happen anyhow? Anterior part of the nose (near the front)? Can you actually see if there's damage? I look and it looks mostly healthy (light pink) as far as I can tell. I'm hoping I'm OK. I have a doctor appointment this week to tell for sure.
>
> [perforated!]The perforation occurs because cocaine constricts blood vessels. Repetitive use of cocaine causes the death of the tissues supported by those blood vessels. The cartilage and supportive tissues wither and die, and a hole between your nostrils results. Seeing pink is a good thing.
It is a little known fact that most emergency rooms keep pure cocaine on hand to stop unstoppable nose bleeds. They blow a good dose up the nose, and the bleeding stops. Cocaine derivatives are used to control surgical bleeding. Rebound nosebleeds from coke use are due to damage to the epithelial (skin) layers in the nose. Restoration of blood flow sometimes precedes tissue healing, and blood vessel ruptures occur.
About your fears of brain damage.....the brain is hugely resilient organ. Occasional slips into drug intoxication may not feel very good, but true injury is seldom the result.
As others have suggested, perhaps a supportive atmosphere and rejigging of your cognitive schemae may be in order. A 12-step affiliation? An addictions counsellor? A cognitive therapist?
I'm not saying this to brag. It's merely a fact of my life. I purposely OD'd daily, as a teen. For periods covering years. I think my brain works OK today. I'll never know what the non-druggie Lar would be like today, but I'm not overly disappointed by where I've ended up.
Lar
Posted by AMD on March 14, 2005, at 12:11:55
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again » AMD, posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 11:10:21
Larry,
Once again your sagely words of advice put me at ease. I see you've had quite some pain in your life, too. I sometimes forget I'm not in this alone.
As to my brain -- we'll see. I was studying some differential calculus yesterday and then did a little Dostoevsky reading, just to test my abilities, and I seemed to be calculating OK. I'll see how I progress as the days pass.
I am hopeful that if I do keep myself from doing this again, the worst will be behind me. My mood, at least, is feeling a bit lifted today, although I'm obsessively checking my nose for blood, probably to the point where it will start bleeding ... from my irritating it.
Again, thanks.
amd
Posted by AMD on March 14, 2005, at 12:25:27
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again » AMD, posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 11:10:21
Lar,
I have one more question for you.
My gums feel a bit numb today, around my upper teeth. Am I crazy, or could this be -- some 96 hours later -- an after-effect of the cocaine or of something with which it might have been cut?
TIA,
amd
Posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 18:38:11
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again » Larry Hoover, posted by AMD on March 14, 2005, at 12:11:55
> Larry,
>
> Once again your sagely words of advice put me at ease. I see you've had quite some pain in your life, too. I sometimes forget I'm not in this alone.If my words could be so soothing, then I truly hope you seek out someone supportive (counselling), to help you learn how to do this for yourself. All I did was give you a new way to look at the same information. That's all cognitive therapy is, in a nutshell.
> As to my brain -- we'll see. I was studying some differential calculus yesterday and then did a little Dostoevsky reading, just to test my abilities, and I seemed to be calculating OK. I'll see how I progress as the days pass.
I don't think that I'd be doing any differential calculus just now, nor reading Dostoevsky. I'll stick to chemistry.
> I am hopeful that if I do keep myself from doing this again, the worst will be behind me. My mood, at least, is feeling a bit lifted today, although I'm obsessively checking my nose for blood, probably to the point where it will start bleeding ... from my irritating it.
>
> Again, thanks.
>
> amdYou're most welcome.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 18:38:54
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by AMD on March 14, 2005, at 12:25:27
> Lar,
>
> I have one more question for you.
>
> My gums feel a bit numb today, around my upper teeth. Am I crazy, or could this be -- some 96 hours later -- an after-effect of the cocaine or of something with which it might have been cut?
>
> TIA,
>
> amdI think you might be obsessing a little. Just a hunch.
Lar
Posted by AMD on March 15, 2005, at 14:10:15
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again » AMD, posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 18:38:54
Thanks again for your information.
I'm actually considering going back to school to study chemistry. I'll let you know if that happens, and perhaps we can trade notes.
amd
Posted by icantbelieveit on March 15, 2005, at 14:25:50
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again » AMD, posted by Larry Hoover on March 14, 2005, at 18:38:54
Larry,
Are there any adulterants that could have prolonged this effect? I mean, even if laced with amphetamine or something else, feeling this jittery for a week seems excessive. I finally got some sleep last night after the intake of some Geodon. I was manic as hell -- couldn't stop /thinking/.
amd
Posted by AMD on March 15, 2005, at 14:27:01
In reply to Re: Oops! I Did it Again, posted by icantbelieveit on March 15, 2005, at 14:25:50
*laughs* So much for that. My vain attempt at anonymous anonymity.
amd
This is the end of the thread.
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