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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maeryn on March 7, 2003, at 18:06:49
I know that this is long but please if you have a moment to spare. I write things when I need a break from reality, and this is what I wrote to my cousiller and my husband who wanted to know exactly what it was I was going through. And this below is exactly what I and I am sure hundereds of others go through everyday.
These thoughts that fill my mind, my soul, these thoughts that rush through me so fast I can hardly see, These thoughts are my gift they are my curse.
There are some things that are better left unseen or unsaid, there are some things that are better left in the darkness of ones life, then there are things, thoughts that are so hard to hold with in after they are discovered that one has to share.
There are so many different people in this world and there are so many different lives, there are people who see what they want to see and there are others who are forced to see more than one should ever have to. To wake up every morning feeling like you can't live through one more day to feel like breathing is an accomplishment all in itself, to have your mind spinning in thought so quickly staring at the wall is the most accomplished task of the day, to have a ball of rage growing within your soul to the point you feel your seams slowly splitting and for what reason you are really not sure, Your body aches with grief but from what loss you do not know, You can feel your heart break and at the time could not be more loved. Your mind spins with confusion and you feel to exhausted to exist, so merely going through the motions is but all a feat of it's own. Your chest pains with sorrow, you feel so deep you can no longer move, a sadness you can not explains sweeps through you like an eerie calm. You feel so much pain and hurt and confusion and there is no direction to turn, a paranoia like no other sweeps with in your soul, everyone is talking and you will never be good enough. Is it to much to ask to do one thing and not screw it up? The negative out ways the good no matter how you try and god knows there are days when life doesn't even seem alive, Your life pauses in the moment and dwells on what should have been , You have to fix everything for others but leave your worries all unseen, not realizing who you are hurting or what your children might one day feel, You loose your cool a time or two will they really remember the bad? You love with all your heart but can hate with all your soul, the wires are so entwined I don't think anybody really knows. I am getting better and the hurt is going away, but how long will it be gone and is it gone to stay. I live my life with a companion, a companion that has made me a better person. A companion that has made me see there is a good corner after every bad, My companion has taught me that there is dawn after dusk and an outstretched hand at every fall. My companion has taught me that life is to precious to take for granted and that you should hang on to every moment like it was your last, and don't live your life to fast, because your future soon becomes your past. My companion has also drug me through the lowest most painful experiences I have ever had, and hurt all I love including me, my companion that I love with all my heart and hate with all my soul is my depression, it is my gift, it is my curse.
Posted by Essence on March 7, 2003, at 19:02:28
In reply to My Feelings summed up into a few paragraphs!, posted by Maeryn on March 7, 2003, at 18:06:49
Dear Maeryn, what a beautiful written expression of your pain and triumph. I cried as I read it as it was how I had once felt but could never articulate. Thank you so much for sharing and giving me a voice to my own inner turmoils during my past darkest moments. This is one post that I will never forget.
Ess
Posted by Marathon Man on March 7, 2003, at 21:49:59
In reply to Re: My Feelings summed up into a few paragraphs! » Maeryn, posted by Essence on March 7, 2003, at 19:02:28
So eloquent and beautiful.
Posted by KrissyP on March 7, 2003, at 23:39:58
In reply to My Feelings summed up into a few paragraphs!, posted by Maeryn on March 7, 2003, at 18:06:49
Thank you soooo much for sharing this. I am so glad you got this out of you!:-)
I also wish I could have put this into a post. I agree with you saying "there are people who see what they want to see and there are others who are forced to see more than one should ever have to". I REALLY wish I could share something regarding this statement!!!!!!!!
Also you say,"Your body aches with grief but from what loss you do not know, You can feel your heart break and at the time could not be more loved. Your mind spins with confusion and you feel to exhausted to exist, so merely going through the motions is but all a feat of it's own". GOD- can I relate.
At times, often, I feel so much pain and hurt and confusion and there is no direction to turn.
The thought of everyone is talking and I will never be good enough fills my heart that can better be used for more useful things, I feel for me.
I just read a post onn BPD-do you have that? I was said to have BPD tendencies and I love with
all my heart but can hate with all my soul.
My first therapist said I was " Like the little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead, when she was good, she was really really good, but when she was bad she was ugly"
I have since gotten a HECK of a lot better.***I am actually NUMB-WOW-this post is one of the best I have read- and I love ya for it.
I hope it helped many others as it helped me.
Thank you dearly!
Kristen
depression IS a gift but it is also a curse,
IMO
Posted by Maeryn on March 8, 2003, at 10:01:48
In reply to Re: My Feelings summed up into a few paragraphs! » Maeryn, posted by KrissyP on March 7, 2003, at 23:39:58
I am glad that they way that I feel is felt by others it is a great relief to know that there are people in this world that feel the same as you do, To answer your question Krissy I am not BPD I am a chemical imbalance case I inherited it from my family we have a long line of depression in our family. Mine started after my grandmother died when I was 13 I thought I had dealt with my depression until I had twins when I was barely 20, 1999 I then went into a deep depression then I had another baby in 2001 and everything snowballed. Things got real bad but Sept, 11, 2002 I had by breakdown. I have been on effexor ever since and life has a side I never knew could exist. But motherhood calls Chat with you all later
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