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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Andre Allard on November 6, 2000, at 22:13:17
Thursday night was when I wrote here last. That night, after being on the computer here at the school I went home.
As the night grew so did my depression and by 10pm I was sinking fast.
I had an Advertising exam the next afternoon and I went to study with a couple of friends at their house.
I found myself unable to retain any amount of information while studying. I had had enough and decided that this was going to have to be one of those exams that I miss due to my depression - I just could not study.
So, I got up, packed my books and left the house, leaving my study friends wondering why I was leaving so early.
The entire way home, I wepped like a baby and had to take actually stop in the mall parking lot to cry on my knees. My pants got a little wet though since it was raining.
When I got home at around 1:30am, I went directly to my bedroom, grapped a couple of bottles I had of Xanax and zyprexa and a mickey of whiskey to wash everything down with.
Fastforward to Saturday afternoon.
I wake up, in a hospital bed, wearing nothing but a geriatric diaper and hooked up to a bunch of machines and electrode-thing-a-mijjiggies.
It seems as though a couple of pedestrians found me face flat in the ground, lying unconscious in the rain (that could explain my black eye and the 6 inch cut across my jaw).
At some point during the night, someone must have performed C.P.R. on me because when I woke up my sternum (breast bone) was sore as hell! I don't know whether this means that my heart stopped but I was told that while in the I.C. unit, my heart was very weak all the way up until Saturday night.
Well, I got out of there Sunday afternoon and here I am, typing away at the school, telling a story about the time when I almost took a trip to the "Big City in the Sky".
Posted by shar on November 6, 2000, at 23:51:40
In reply to ALMOST TOOK A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY IN THE SKY, posted by Andre Allard on November 6, 2000, at 22:13:17
Andre,
You've checked out of the hospital. Now what are you going to do? Any follow-up? Any meds/med-checks? Any plan?Shar
> Thursday night was when I wrote here last. That night, after being on the computer here at the school I went home.
>
> As the night grew so did my depression and by 10pm I was sinking fast.
>
> I had an Advertising exam the next afternoon and I went to study with a couple of friends at their house.
>
> I found myself unable to retain any amount of information while studying. I had had enough and decided that this was going to have to be one of those exams that I miss due to my depression - I just could not study.
>
> So, I got up, packed my books and left the house, leaving my study friends wondering why I was leaving so early.
>
> The entire way home, I wepped like a baby and had to take actually stop in the mall parking lot to cry on my knees. My pants got a little wet though since it was raining.
>
> When I got home at around 1:30am, I went directly to my bedroom, grapped a couple of bottles I had of Xanax and zyprexa and a mickey of whiskey to wash everything down with.
>
> Fastforward to Saturday afternoon.
>
> I wake up, in a hospital bed, wearing nothing but a geriatric diaper and hooked up to a bunch of machines and electrode-thing-a-mijjiggies.
>
> It seems as though a couple of pedestrians found me face flat in the ground, lying unconscious in the rain (that could explain my black eye and the 6 inch cut across my jaw).
>
> At some point during the night, someone must have performed C.P.R. on me because when I woke up my sternum (breast bone) was sore as hell! I don't know whether this means that my heart stopped but I was told that while in the I.C. unit, my heart was very weak all the way up until Saturday night.
>
> Well, I got out of there Sunday afternoon and here I am, typing away at the school, telling a story about the time when I almost took a trip to the "Big City in the Sky".
Posted by Emmanuela on November 7, 2000, at 0:01:06
In reply to Andre---Now What ?, posted by shar on November 6, 2000, at 23:51:40
Andre - I second what Shar asked: Now what? Do you have a pdoc whom you see regularly? Are you on meds? What's goin' on???
Emmanuela
Posted by noa on November 7, 2000, at 7:04:00
In reply to Re: Andre---Now What ?, posted by Emmanuela on November 7, 2000, at 0:01:06
ME, too, Andre. This is serious.
I am worried and wonder why you are out of the hospital as though nothing happened? What is going to prevent it from happening again? Perhaps you need to go in for psychiatric hospitalization?
Andre, we want you around for the long haul. Please take better care of yourself.
Posted by Noa on November 7, 2000, at 17:55:25
In reply to ALMOST TOOK A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY IN THE SKY, posted by Andre Allard on November 6, 2000, at 22:13:17
Andre??
Posted by Cindy W on November 7, 2000, at 21:44:06
In reply to Re: ALMOST TOOK A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY IN THE SKY » Andre Allard, posted by Noa on November 7, 2000, at 17:55:25
> Andre??
Andre, I'm in agreement with the above posters. I'm worried about you and hope you are getting treatment for your depression. Your posts have helped me, in the past, and I wish I could give back some of the hope you've given me...hugs!--Cindy W
Posted by allisonm on November 7, 2000, at 22:30:17
In reply to ALMOST TOOK A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY IN THE SKY, posted by Andre Allard on November 6, 2000, at 22:13:17
Andre,
What do you think about what happened to you?
Do you have relatives? If so, are they supportive? Did they come to the hospital? Do you keep in touch with them?
Do you have a pdoc and/or a therapist that you know that you can talk to? If so, do they know what has happened? If you have one but they don't know, will you talk with them? If you don't have a pdoc/therapist, will you look for one?Are you still on Effexor?
I want to know how you are. Please write.
Allison
Posted by Andre Allard on November 8, 2000, at 23:49:57
In reply to ALMOST TOOK A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY IN THE SKY, posted by Andre Allard on November 6, 2000, at 22:13:17
I feel that I am unlucky that I am alive if anyone was wondering.
Although my family knows about my hospital stays and my depression in general, they do not know any details.
Except for doctors and nurses, nobody knows about my 3 suicide attempts in the last 2 months.
I am currently on effexor 150mg/day and trazadone 100mg/day. It is working I guess you could say.
If it were not for the hair loss and the decreased appetite I experience while on effexor I would probably double my dosage.
The pdoc I spoke to when I was in the hospital this weekend did not want me to make an appointment with him because (I have seen him for the last 2 years when I have been here at school) he believes that he cannot treat me due to the fact that I change meds and the dosages around without his conscent - I do not know why I need it anyways. He told me to get a referal from my school doctor so I suppose that is what I will do. My school doctor gives me effexor anyways so I do not see how a pdoc can help.
I am still waiting for zyprasidone to come out.
In the mean time, I am living. If something happens to me, well, I do not really care.
Posted by noa on November 9, 2000, at 6:16:23
In reply to @#$%^*, posted by Andre Allard on November 8, 2000, at 23:49:57
Andre, thanks for replying. I am glad you are alive, but sad that you are still suffering.
You said:
> I am currently on effexor 150mg/day and trazadone 100mg/day. It is working I guess you could say.
I don't think it is working sufficiently. You are still depressed and suicidal.
I think you need to find a good doc for a consultation. And, you probably need more structure. Are you in therapy?
Posted by S. Howard on November 9, 2000, at 11:26:37
In reply to @#$%^*, posted by Andre Allard on November 8, 2000, at 23:49:57
I think it's incredibly irresponsible of your pdoc to let you leave the hospital after nearly killing yourself. Please don't give up yet. I believe there's a reason you're still here and not a body in the morgue or a vegetable on life-support. Find another doctor and tell your whole story. You should be in the hospital getting help. I have been trying to talk Judy1 into going to the hospital by telling her how much it helped me, so I won't go into that again, but if you have questions please ask. It probably saved my life. -SGH
Posted by pullmarine on November 9, 2000, at 22:03:27
In reply to @#$%^*, posted by Andre Allard on November 8, 2000, at 23:49:57
> I feel that I am unlucky that I am alive if anyone was wondering.
So am I, such is life.
My school doctor gives me effexor anyways so I do not see how a pdoc can help.
>
They are usually much better informed than generalists. Nonetheless, it is a good idea to get a Pdoc who doesn't think it's all chemical, and actually spends time listening to you.
> I am still waiting for zyprasidone to come out.
>
Are u planning to go from one AD to another, till u build a resistance to all of them, without ever getting to the root of the problem?> In the mean time, I am living. If something happens to me, well, I do not really care.
I care, because when i read your post, it is like looking in a mirror.
Love,JOHN
Posted by allisonm on November 11, 2000, at 8:05:54
In reply to @#$%^*, posted by Andre Allard on November 8, 2000, at 23:49:57
> I feel that I am unlucky that I am alive if anyone was wondering. > >
For a very long time I have been sorry that I was born, resolute that I never should have been born. If I had had a say in the matter, knowing what I know now, I am not sure that I would have chosen to be born. But it's all a moot point. I'm here. I hate being here sometimes. I am trying hard to find a way to like being here because I still see and feel things that I like about this world and I keep hoping, seeing other people happy in this world, that I will find a way to end this depression so that I can feel more at ease and happy.
> Although my family knows about my hospital stays and my depression in general, they do not know any details. > >Can you talk to them? Are they supportive?
> Except for doctors and nurses, nobody knows about my 3 suicide attempts in the last 2 months.
Why?
> I am currently on effexor 150mg/day and trazadone 100mg/day. It is working I guess you could say. > >
It sounds as though it isn't really, or not as well as it should.
> The pdoc I spoke to when I was in the hospital this weekend did not want me to make an appointment with him because (I have seen him for the last 2 years when I have been here at school) he believes that he cannot treat me due to the fact that I change meds and the dosages around without his conscent - I do not know why I need it anyways. He told me to get a referal from my school doctor so I suppose that is what I will do. My school doctor gives me effexor anyways so I do not see how a pdoc can help. > >I have found a pdoc that I can trust and who knows his stuff. I would not be here were it not for him. Finding the right doctor can make all the difference in the world. I hope you can find the energy to find a good pdoc who cares and who you can trust and rely on to help.
> I am still waiting for zyprasidone to come out.It might be better to deal with what's here right now. It sounds as though in your situation with three suicide attempts, that you cannot wait for zyprasidone.
> In the mean time, I am living. If something happens to me, well, I do not really care.
I care. Please take care of yourself, Andre. Death is too permanent a solution to an impermanent illness.
Allison
Posted by shar on November 13, 2000, at 1:16:42
In reply to Re: @#$%^*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! » Andre Allard, posted by pullmarine on November 9, 2000, at 22:03:27
Just wondering from where your hopelessness stems. And, it seems you have strong reactions when you are involved with a woman who stands you up or does other thoughtless things. Like suicidal reactions.
So here is my rap about that: IMHO we can feel so good while courting, getting into a new relationship, it is exciting, new, it feels great to have someone want you and be close, touching, holding each other. All of those wonderful sensations.
Here's the rub, so to speak. If we happen to give the other person our happiness (we are happy because of them or when they are around) then when the person leaves, so does the happiness.
So, the point of helpfulness here becomes one of learning to be ok with who we are, like ourselves, etc. (which takes work), and then if a courtship comes along, it is like icing on the cake, and we know we will be ok if that person does not fulfill our wants or desires.
Of course it would be sad, disappointing, etc., but being ok before we meet the one, we are better able to weather the storm, and will be ok after the one has left. They don't take our happiness with them because it is inside us.
Yours has any chance of being inside you? Liking yourself? Forgiving yourself? Not harming yourself? I am strongly hoping for you to find one thing that you have inside you to feel good about. And being aware of your hopelessness, and where it comes from.
Shar
Posted by Noa on November 13, 2000, at 17:19:26
In reply to Re: @#$%^*!!! -- Andre Allard, posted by shar on November 13, 2000, at 1:16:42
He hasn't been here in a while and his last post was bleak. Part of me wants to stop caring about people who show up so miserable and then disappear. I am worried, but feel pretty disconnected. It is hard when this happens. But I am worried.
Posted by pullmarine on November 14, 2000, at 23:57:46
In reply to Re: Worried about Andre, posted by Noa on November 13, 2000, at 17:19:26
Noa,
I am worried as well, an I agree that it is hard when things like this happen. YOu're sort of left hanging, which is tough, but ultimatly, we have to respect people's choices.
JOHN
This is the end of the thread.
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