![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerry B on June 28, 2000, at 17:57:00
Hi Rick,
How come you put me onto the WWW Board website? Do you think I should download it or something? I couldn't cope reading all the stuff about it, but what I saw sounded O.K. Have you downloaded it?
O.K, just thought I'd ask
Thanks, Kerry B
Posted by Rick E. on June 29, 2000, at 8:54:57
In reply to Rick E, How come?, posted by kerry B on June 28, 2000, at 17:57:00
> Hi Rick,
> How come you put me onto the WWW Board website? Do you think I should download it or something? I couldn't cope reading all the stuff about it, but what I saw sounded O.K. Have you downloaded it?
> O.K, just thought I'd ask
> Thanks, Kerry B
Kerry,I hope you will excuse me for possibly being ignorant here, but I am not sure what you are talking about??? The WWW Board Website? Is this something new? Did I miss something? Did I do something by accident? If so, please let me know!
Concerned,
Rick E.
Posted by kerry B on June 29, 2000, at 18:32:53
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by Rick E. on June 29, 2000, at 8:54:57
> > Hi Rick,
> > How come you put me onto the WWW Board website? Do you think I should download it or something? I couldn't cope reading all the stuff about it, but what I saw sounded O.K. Have you downloaded it?
> > O.K, just thought I'd ask
> > Thanks, Kerry B
>
>
> Kerry,
>
> I hope you will excuse me for possibly being ignorant here, but I am not sure what you are talking about??? The WWW Board Website? Is this something new? Did I miss something? Did I do something by accident? If so, please let me know!
>
> Concerned,
>
> Rick E.
Sorry Rick!!!!!
I went into your reply the other day and my computer must have made the error!!!! It came up with some medical site and I thought you must have thought it would be good for me to look at!!!!Sorry!!!! My mistake!!!!!!! I actually just checked your reply to re:schizoaffective and found it. Thanks for your nice words. No, I don't look up too much stuff on the net as I know it's not good to do that, As for the doctor, he hasn't even made a follow-up appointment to see me, as a matter of fact no-one has so I feel like I'm in limbo. I developed this illness a couple of years ago and thought a few times I was on top of it but every time I come crashing down again, this time in a bad way, it's like at the very beginning. I had the psychosis back, the moods and all the rest and I just feel bad about it because of what it puts my family through but there is nothing I can do about it. I do try to get through each day, as long as I'm left alone without anyone nagging at me, I feel more comfortable and if I don't have to go out anywhere, that's great. I don't think I can talk to the doctor, I feel he is out of date so to speak, one heck of a nasty old man with no time. Anyway, thanks again, I will carry on the best I can in the situation and try to believe it is just temporary and you are not ignorant!!!! By no means!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Rick E. on June 29, 2000, at 22:34:24
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come? » Rick E., posted by kerry B on June 29, 2000, at 18:32:53
>
> Sorry Rick!!!!!
> I went into your reply the other day and my computer must have made the error!!!! It came up with some medical site and I thought you must have thought it would be good for me to look at!!!!Sorry!!!! My mistake!!!!!!! I actually just checked your reply to re:schizoaffective and found it. Thanks for your nice words. No, I don't look up too much stuff on the net as I know it's not good to do that, As for the doctor, he hasn't even made a follow-up appointment to see me, as a matter of fact no-one has so I feel like I'm in limbo. I developed this illness a couple of years ago and thought a few times I was on top of it but every time I come crashing down again, this time in a bad way, it's like at the very beginning. I had the psychosis back, the moods and all the rest and I just feel bad about it because of what it puts my family through but there is nothing I can do about it. I do try to get through each day, as long as I'm left alone without anyone nagging at me, I feel more comfortable and if I don't have to go out anywhere, that's great. I don't think I can talk to the doctor, I feel he is out of date so to speak, one heck of a nasty old man with no time. Anyway, thanks again, I will carry on the best I can in the situation and try to believe it is just temporary and you are not ignorant!!!! By no means!!!!!!!!!Kerry,
***WHEW***
I was really worried that I had done something wrong there...glad to hear it was just an accident. I understand, I think, the feelings you have about putting your family through this, something that someone said to me once has helped me tremendously (in addition to a VERY supportive mother and girlfriend)...What you are afflicted with is very much a DISEASE, in the same category as CANCER...and you and your family really must come to that understanding. First of all, you did not wish this on yourself, any more than anyone would honestly wish cancer on themselves...having survived cancer, I am sure of this. Would your family have to make adjustments in their lives if you had cancer? You bet they would. And you might still feel somewhat guilty, but for many reasons in this world, mental health is seen as a sign of weakness...but it is not in any way that. No more than a cancer victim is considered weak. Yes, it is unfortunate that bad things happen to good people...I wish, like you, that I could just have a couple days in a row where I just felt like a human being again with real emotions...but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in life, they're not easy, for sure, but nevertheless necessary.
I lost my leg when I was a young boy, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it had NOTHING to do with the way I lived my life at 8 years old, nor was it a sign of any weakness that I got cancer. Now, at 30, I have developed this depressive/anxiety state, as well as some probable other undiagnosed conditions.
I guess what I am trying to say here are words of encouragement. Maybe it is not temporary, who can say for sure. I know my leg is gone forever, and for that reason, I was forced to accept that fact. My mental health situation, however, may be temporary and may not be. I am just now preparing myself to deal with that fact. Try to relax, as difficult as that can be at times, and just know that you are an individual person, unlike any other, and to compare yourself and your life to any other is an unjustice to yourself. Hopefully, with the right medications, you can feel good again. Maybe it won't be as good as you once felt. In any case, carry on...be as positive as you can...fight mentally the disease...take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up for something that you certainly did not ask for. And hopefully, when your family sees that you are trying to remain positive and beat this disease, they will understand during those times when you feel down and find it hard to remain positive.
I wish I could offer more medical type advice to you, but I just don't have the knowledge...I am pretty new to all this myself. There are a lot of people on this board that do seem to have an intense understanding of meds tho, so the more info that you can provide them with, I think the more help they will be able to give you there.
Good luck and God Bless...
Rick E.
Posted by kerry B on June 29, 2000, at 23:26:54
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by Rick E. on June 29, 2000, at 22:34:24
>
> >
> > Sorry Rick!!!!!
> > I went into your reply the other day and my computer must have made the error!!!! It came up with some medical site and I thought you must have thought it would be good for me to look at!!!!Sorry!!!! My mistake!!!!!!! I actually just checked your reply to re:schizoaffective and found it. Thanks for your nice words. No, I don't look up too much stuff on the net as I know it's not good to do that, As for the doctor, he hasn't even made a follow-up appointment to see me, as a matter of fact no-one has so I feel like I'm in limbo. I developed this illness a couple of years ago and thought a few times I was on top of it but every time I come crashing down again, this time in a bad way, it's like at the very beginning. I had the psychosis back, the moods and all the rest and I just feel bad about it because of what it puts my family through but there is nothing I can do about it. I do try to get through each day, as long as I'm left alone without anyone nagging at me, I feel more comfortable and if I don't have to go out anywhere, that's great. I don't think I can talk to the doctor, I feel he is out of date so to speak, one heck of a nasty old man with no time. Anyway, thanks again, I will carry on the best I can in the situation and try to believe it is just temporary and you are not ignorant!!!! By no means!!!!!!!!!
>
> Kerry,
>
> ***WHEW***
> I was really worried that I had done something wrong there...glad to hear it was just an accident. I understand, I think, the feelings you have about putting your family through this, something that someone said to me once has helped me tremendously (in addition to a VERY supportive mother and girlfriend)...
>
> What you are afflicted with is very much a DISEASE, in the same category as CANCER...and you and your family really must come to that understanding. First of all, you did not wish this on yourself, any more than anyone would honestly wish cancer on themselves...having survived cancer, I am sure of this. Would your family have to make adjustments in their lives if you had cancer? You bet they would. And you might still feel somewhat guilty, but for many reasons in this world, mental health is seen as a sign of weakness...but it is not in any way that. No more than a cancer victim is considered weak. Yes, it is unfortunate that bad things happen to good people...I wish, like you, that I could just have a couple days in a row where I just felt like a human being again with real emotions...but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in life, they're not easy, for sure, but nevertheless necessary.
>
> I lost my leg when I was a young boy, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it had NOTHING to do with the way I lived my life at 8 years old, nor was it a sign of any weakness that I got cancer. Now, at 30, I have developed this depressive/anxiety state, as well as some probable other undiagnosed conditions.
>
> I guess what I am trying to say here are words of encouragement. Maybe it is not temporary, who can say for sure. I know my leg is gone forever, and for that reason, I was forced to accept that fact. My mental health situation, however, may be temporary and may not be. I am just now preparing myself to deal with that fact. Try to relax, as difficult as that can be at times, and just know that you are an individual person, unlike any other, and to compare yourself and your life to any other is an unjustice to yourself. Hopefully, with the right medications, you can feel good again. Maybe it won't be as good as you once felt. In any case, carry on...be as positive as you can...fight mentally the disease...take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up for something that you certainly did not ask for. And hopefully, when your family sees that you are trying to remain positive and beat this disease, they will understand during those times when you feel down and find it hard to remain positive.
>
> I wish I could offer more medical type advice to you, but I just don't have the knowledge...I am pretty new to all this myself. There are a lot of people on this board that do seem to have an intense understanding of meds tho, so the more info that you can provide them with, I think the more help they will be able to give you there.
>
> Good luck and God Bless...
>
> Rick E.
Hi Rick,
Just another note of thanks. You are really an inspiration to me after all that you've been through, wow, you are so positive. I learnt a lot from this last message! It's true, we can't change what we're dealt out so we do have to live with it the best we can and having support as you did, helps. I got onto the health team today and there was quite alot of confusion as to why I had no follow-up appointments or support so I have to wait until after the week-end for something to happen. I go to work on Sunday so that keeps my mind in some sort of order which is a good distraction. Anyway I shall survive!!!
Thanks so much again and may God bless you......
Kerry
Posted by Rick E. on June 30, 2000, at 9:47:15
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by kerry B on June 29, 2000, at 23:26:54
> > Kerry,
> >
> > ***WHEW***
> > I was really worried that I had done something wrong there...glad to hear it was just an accident. I understand, I think, the feelings you have about putting your family through this, something that someone said to me once has helped me tremendously (in addition to a VERY supportive mother and girlfriend)...
> >
> > What you are afflicted with is very much a DISEASE, in the same category as CANCER...and you and your family really must come to that understanding. First of all, you did not wish this on yourself, any more than anyone would honestly wish cancer on themselves...having survived cancer, I am sure of this. Would your family have to make adjustments in their lives if you had cancer? You bet they would. And you might still feel somewhat guilty, but for many reasons in this world, mental health is seen as a sign of weakness...but it is not in any way that. No more than a cancer victim is considered weak. Yes, it is unfortunate that bad things happen to good people...I wish, like you, that I could just have a couple days in a row where I just felt like a human being again with real emotions...but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in life, they're not easy, for sure, but nevertheless necessary.
> >
> > I lost my leg when I was a young boy, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it had NOTHING to do with the way I lived my life at 8 years old, nor was it a sign of any weakness that I got cancer. Now, at 30, I have developed this depressive/anxiety state, as well as some probable other undiagnosed conditions.
> >
> > I guess what I am trying to say here are words of encouragement. Maybe it is not temporary, who can say for sure. I know my leg is gone forever, and for that reason, I was forced to accept that fact. My mental health situation, however, may be temporary and may not be. I am just now preparing myself to deal with that fact. Try to relax, as difficult as that can be at times, and just know that you are an individual person, unlike any other, and to compare yourself and your life to any other is an unjustice to yourself. Hopefully, with the right medications, you can feel good again. Maybe it won't be as good as you once felt. In any case, carry on...be as positive as you can...fight mentally the disease...take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up for something that you certainly did not ask for. And hopefully, when your family sees that you are trying to remain positive and beat this disease, they will understand during those times when you feel down and find it hard to remain positive.
> >
> > I wish I could offer more medical type advice to you, but I just don't have the knowledge...I am pretty new to all this myself. There are a lot of people on this board that do seem to have an intense understanding of meds tho, so the more info that you can provide them with, I think the more help they will be able to give you there.
> >
> > Good luck and God Bless...
> >
> > Rick E.
>
>
> Hi Rick,
> Just another note of thanks. You are really an inspiration to me after all that you've been through, wow, you are so positive. I learnt a lot from this last message! It's true, we can't change what we're dealt out so we do have to live with it the best we can and having support as you did, helps. I got onto the health team today and there was quite alot of confusion as to why I had no follow-up appointments or support so I have to wait until after the week-end for something to happen. I go to work on Sunday so that keeps my mind in some sort of order which is a good distraction. Anyway I shall survive!!!
> Thanks so much again and may God bless you......
> Kerry
Kerry,Ahhhh...the workaholic syndrome...is it a blessing? or a curse? HEHE. I have it too...it's amazing how physical work can free your mind from alot of craziness. I was injured at work a couple of weeks ago, and am just getting ready to return on Monday (I hope...) While I was off, was when I tried to get off of Paxil...big mistake...learned alot...but feeling better now, back on it and it is starting to stabilize. I am moving saturday, so I have been packing like crazy, and man o man does it help to keep me positive...nothing like sitting around and feeling sorry for myself...what a quick way down the tubes.
I hope everything goes well with your team, sounds like somebody there is concerned about you, and that's good. Let me know how it goes.
Rick E.
Posted by kerry B on July 2, 2000, at 4:29:55
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by Rick E. on June 30, 2000, at 9:47:15
> > > Kerry,
> > >
> > > ***WHEW***
> > > I was really worried that I had done something wrong there...glad to hear it was just an accident. I understand, I think, the feelings you have about putting your family through this, something that someone said to me once has helped me tremendously (in addition to a VERY supportive mother and girlfriend)...
> > >
> > > What you are afflicted with is very much a DISEASE, in the same category as CANCER...and you and your family really must come to that understanding. First of all, you did not wish this on yourself, any more than anyone would honestly wish cancer on themselves...having survived cancer, I am sure of this. Would your family have to make adjustments in their lives if you had cancer? You bet they would. And you might still feel somewhat guilty, but for many reasons in this world, mental health is seen as a sign of weakness...but it is not in any way that. No more than a cancer victim is considered weak. Yes, it is unfortunate that bad things happen to good people...I wish, like you, that I could just have a couple days in a row where I just felt like a human being again with real emotions...but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in life, they're not easy, for sure, but nevertheless necessary.
> > >
> > > I lost my leg when I was a young boy, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it had NOTHING to do with the way I lived my life at 8 years old, nor was it a sign of any weakness that I got cancer. Now, at 30, I have developed this depressive/anxiety state, as well as some probable other undiagnosed conditions.
> > >
> > > I guess what I am trying to say here are words of encouragement. Maybe it is not temporary, who can say for sure. I know my leg is gone forever, and for that reason, I was forced to accept that fact. My mental health situation, however, may be temporary and may not be. I am just now preparing myself to deal with that fact. Try to relax, as difficult as that can be at times, and just know that you are an individual person, unlike any other, and to compare yourself and your life to any other is an unjustice to yourself. Hopefully, with the right medications, you can feel good again. Maybe it won't be as good as you once felt. In any case, carry on...be as positive as you can...fight mentally the disease...take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up for something that you certainly did not ask for. And hopefully, when your family sees that you are trying to remain positive and beat this disease, they will understand during those times when you feel down and find it hard to remain positive.
> > >
> > > I wish I could offer more medical type advice to you, but I just don't have the knowledge...I am pretty new to all this myself. There are a lot of people on this board that do seem to have an intense understanding of meds tho, so the more info that you can provide them with, I think the more help they will be able to give you there.
> > >
> > > Good luck and God Bless...
> > >
> > > Rick E.
> >
> >
> > Hi Rick,
> > Just another note of thanks. You are really an inspiration to me after all that you've been through, wow, you are so positive. I learnt a lot from this last message! It's true, we can't change what we're dealt out so we do have to live with it the best we can and having support as you did, helps. I got onto the health team today and there was quite alot of confusion as to why I had no follow-up appointments or support so I have to wait until after the week-end for something to happen. I go to work on Sunday so that keeps my mind in some sort of order which is a good distraction. Anyway I shall survive!!!
> > Thanks so much again and may God bless you......
> > Kerry
>
>
> Kerry,
>
> Ahhhh...the workaholic syndrome...is it a blessing? or a curse? HEHE. I have it too...it's amazing how physical work can free your mind from alot of craziness. I was injured at work a couple of weeks ago, and am just getting ready to return on Monday (I hope...) While I was off, was when I tried to get off of Paxil...big mistake...learned alot...but feeling better now, back on it and it is starting to stabilize. I am moving saturday, so I have been packing like crazy, and man o man does it help to keep me positive...nothing like sitting around and feeling sorry for myself...what a quick way down the tubes.
>
> I hope everything goes well with your team, sounds like somebody there is concerned about you, and that's good. Let me know how it goes.
>
> Rick E.
Hi Rick,
Thanks for your message! You certainly have enough at the moment to keep you occupied!
Glad to hear you're stabilizing now, nothing worse than feeling lousy again. I have tried numerous times to slow down or cut off my meds but it never worked out like I thought it would.
Be good if it did though.
My meds are haywire at the moment. One person says to increase and the other says no. I don't know I can't keep up!
I totally lost it last night. Went hysterical and phobic ect, won't go into it, actually posted Abby about it but she is going away for a while so she may not read it. My hub was advised to have me taken off by the police and sanctioned but he didn't, luckily as I had to work today. Got there somehow, got home somehow. Very disorienatated.
The workaholic syndrome used to be a blessing for me but the last few weeks, I'm not so sure. I am actually useless there but they don't say anything as they are friends of mine that I work for, now that is a blessing!
Have you moved yet? Today is Saturday for you isn't it? It is Sunday for me here, actually I am in Australia. I think I had a few people wondering. Now you have to unpack everything. I don't know which is better, the former or the latter?
Well, better go and let you get your stuff done. Have a good time back at work. Hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly!
Bye for now
Kerry.
P.S I will let you know how it goes tomorrow with the health team, hopefully some progress will be made. Bye!!!!!!!
Posted by Rick E. on July 3, 2000, at 13:03:26
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by kerry B on July 2, 2000, at 4:29:55
> Hi Rick,
> Thanks for your message! You certainly have enough at the moment to keep you occupied!
> Glad to hear you're stabilizing now, nothing worse than feeling lousy again. I have tried numerous times to slow down or cut off my meds but it never worked out like I thought it would.
> Be good if it did though.
> My meds are haywire at the moment. One person says to increase and the other says no. I don't know I can't keep up!
> I totally lost it last night. Went hysterical and phobic ect, won't go into it, actually posted Abby about it but she is going away for a while so she may not read it. My hub was advised to have me taken off by the police and sanctioned but he didn't, luckily as I had to work today. Got there somehow, got home somehow. Very disorienatated.
> The workaholic syndrome used to be a blessing for me but the last few weeks, I'm not so sure. I am actually useless there but they don't say anything as they are friends of mine that I work for, now that is a blessing!
> Have you moved yet? Today is Saturday for you isn't it? It is Sunday for me here, actually I am in Australia. I think I had a few people wondering. Now you have to unpack everything. I don't know which is better, the former or the latter?
> Well, better go and let you get your stuff done. Have a good time back at work. Hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly!
> Bye for now
> Kerry.
> P.S I will let you know how it goes tomorrow with the health team, hopefully some progress will be made. Bye!!!!!!!Kerry,
Sounds like you have been having the same kind of month as me...I really thought that I would be able to get off these meds quick and feel better...HAHAHA what a joke. I had one of my worst panic attacks saturday while I was moving, and had to go lay down for about an hour while everyone else was helping...I felt so useless, and then I hated making excuses because even though people are generally nice, they don't understand what this feels like.
I started upping my paxil to 20mg today, and already feel SOOO much better, was even able to go to wal mart to refill my remeron, which I am also going to start back up on. When I look back, it seems that when I was on both paxil and remeron, I felt my best...working everyday, feeling almost normal...and that's when I wanted to quit taking everything...I thought I was cured, and now I realize that the meds were just finally working! Guess that's why I don't have a PhD HaHa!
Well, like myself, I hope you get your meds in order too...and start feeling better soon...looking forward to hearing some good news from you. Please keep me informed.
Rick E.
Posted by kerry B on July 3, 2000, at 17:32:37
In reply to Re: Rick E, How come?, posted by Rick E. on July 3, 2000, at 13:03:26
>
> > Hi Rick,
> > Thanks for your message! You certainly have enough at the moment to keep you occupied!
> > Glad to hear you're stabilizing now, nothing worse than feeling lousy again. I have tried numerous times to slow down or cut off my meds but it never worked out like I thought it would.
> > Be good if it did though.
> > My meds are haywire at the moment. One person says to increase and the other says no. I don't know I can't keep up!
> > I totally lost it last night. Went hysterical and phobic ect, won't go into it, actually posted Abby about it but she is going away for a while so she may not read it. My hub was advised to have me taken off by the police and sanctioned but he didn't, luckily as I had to work today. Got there somehow, got home somehow. Very disorienatated.
> > The workaholic syndrome used to be a blessing for me but the last few weeks, I'm not so sure. I am actually useless there but they don't say anything as they are friends of mine that I work for, now that is a blessing!
> > Have you moved yet? Today is Saturday for you isn't it? It is Sunday for me here, actually I am in Australia. I think I had a few people wondering. Now you have to unpack everything. I don't know which is better, the former or the latter?
> > Well, better go and let you get your stuff done. Have a good time back at work. Hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly!
> > Bye for now
> > Kerry.
> > P.S I will let you know how it goes tomorrow with the health team, hopefully some progress will be made. Bye!!!!!!!
>
> Kerry,
>
> Sounds like you have been having the same kind of month as me...I really thought that I would be able to get off these meds quick and feel better...HAHAHA what a joke. I had one of my worst panic attacks saturday while I was moving, and had to go lay down for about an hour while everyone else was helping...I felt so useless, and then I hated making excuses because even though people are generally nice, they don't understand what this feels like.
>
> I started upping my paxil to 20mg today, and already feel SOOO much better, was even able to go to wal mart to refill my remeron, which I am also going to start back up on. When I look back, it seems that when I was on both paxil and remeron, I felt my best...working everyday, feeling almost normal...and that's when I wanted to quit taking everything...I thought I was cured, and now I realize that the meds were just finally working! Guess that's why I don't have a PhD HaHa!
>
> Well, like myself, I hope you get your meds in order too...and start feeling better soon...looking forward to hearing some good news from you. Please keep me informed.
>
> Rick E.
Hi Rick,
Glad to hear that you moved safely despite a few
set-backs. Glad your first priority was to get your pc working!!!!
Hope you are feeling really much better now. Nothing worse than having those attacks. I wish I could start the whole month over again and make it that none of this ever happened!!!
Actually having a health team guy out today to see me. Don't know how I am going to explain it all to him, as of lately, my vocal communication port has shut down a bit. Can never find the words to describe just what I'm going through. Do you have that problem? Writing for me is so much easier, maybe I'll just hand him my latest input into my journal?
Are you back at work now? Hope it is going well for you!!!!! Stay on your meds! It's a catch 22 situation. We feel as though we are on top of the world but it is only the meds but, always live with the hope that one day when we do go off them, we will never need them again. That phase of our lives will have passed.
I always believe that this life is like a university and if we hang in there and learn all that we can we will come through with flying colours!!!! (hope that makes sense)!!!!
Well, I have to somehow get ready for this visit I'm having. I am up early this-morning and it is so nice and quiet, bit shakey though, don't know why. Hopefully today will be THE day that they will look into my meds and see that there is a major fault there, just hoping anyway!
I will keep you posted as to what they tell me today. People have me in hospital already but there's no way I'm going there, done my time before and it's not enjoyable.
Hope you're enjoying your new place and all is well as I am writing this...Post you soon......
P.S We shall have Phd's, remember, we are in the university of life!!!! HaHaHa!!!!!Kerry
Posted by kerry B on July 4, 2000, at 5:44:48
In reply to Re: to Rick from kerry B, posted by kerry B on July 3, 2000, at 17:32:37
> >
> > > Hi Rick,
> > > Thanks for your message! You certainly have enough at the moment to keep you occupied!
> > > Glad to hear you're stabilizing now, nothing worse than feeling lousy again. I have tried numerous times to slow down or cut off my meds but it never worked out like I thought it would.
> > > Be good if it did though.
> > > My meds are haywire at the moment. One person says to increase and the other says no. I don't know I can't keep up!
> > > I totally lost it last night. Went hysterical and phobic ect, won't go into it, actually posted Abby about it but she is going away for a while so she may not read it. My hub was advised to have me taken off by the police and sanctioned but he didn't, luckily as I had to work today. Got there somehow, got home somehow. Very disorienatated.
> > > The workaholic syndrome used to be a blessing for me but the last few weeks, I'm not so sure. I am actually useless there but they don't say anything as they are friends of mine that I work for, now that is a blessing!
> > > Have you moved yet? Today is Saturday for you isn't it? It is Sunday for me here, actually I am in Australia. I think I had a few people wondering. Now you have to unpack everything. I don't know which is better, the former or the latter?
> > > Well, better go and let you get your stuff done. Have a good time back at work. Hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly!
> > > Bye for now
> > > Kerry.
> > > P.S I will let you know how it goes tomorrow with the health team, hopefully some progress will be made. Bye!!!!!!!
> >
> > Kerry,
> >
> > Sounds like you have been having the same kind of month as me...I really thought that I would be able to get off these meds quick and feel better...HAHAHA what a joke. I had one of my worst panic attacks saturday while I was moving, and had to go lay down for about an hour while everyone else was helping...I felt so useless, and then I hated making excuses because even though people are generally nice, they don't understand what this feels like.
> >
> > I started upping my paxil to 20mg today, and already feel SOOO much better, was even able to go to wal mart to refill my remeron, which I am also going to start back up on. When I look back, it seems that when I was on both paxil and remeron, I felt my best...working everyday, feeling almost normal...and that's when I wanted to quit taking everything...I thought I was cured, and now I realize that the meds were just finally working! Guess that's why I don't have a PhD HaHa!
> >
> > Well, like myself, I hope you get your meds in order too...and start feeling better soon...looking forward to hearing some good news from you. Please keep me informed.
> >
> > Rick E.
>
>
> Hi Rick,
> Glad to hear that you moved safely despite a few
> set-backs. Glad your first priority was to get your pc working!!!!
> Hope you are feeling really much better now. Nothing worse than having those attacks. I wish I could start the whole month over again and make it that none of this ever happened!!!
> Actually having a health team guy out today to see me. Don't know how I am going to explain it all to him, as of lately, my vocal communication port has shut down a bit. Can never find the words to describe just what I'm going through. Do you have that problem? Writing for me is so much easier, maybe I'll just hand him my latest input into my journal?
> Are you back at work now? Hope it is going well for you!!!!! Stay on your meds! It's a catch 22 situation. We feel as though we are on top of the world but it is only the meds but, always live with the hope that one day when we do go off them, we will never need them again. That phase of our lives will have passed.
> I always believe that this life is like a university and if we hang in there and learn all that we can we will come through with flying colours!!!! (hope that makes sense)!!!!
> Well, I have to somehow get ready for this visit I'm having. I am up early this-morning and it is so nice and quiet, bit shakey though, don't know why. Hopefully today will be THE day that they will look into my meds and see that there is a major fault there, just hoping anyway!
> I will keep you posted as to what they tell me today. People have me in hospital already but there's no way I'm going there, done my time before and it's not enjoyable.
> Hope you're enjoying your new place and all is well as I am writing this...Post you soon......
> P.S We shall have Phd's, remember, we are in the university of life!!!! HaHaHa!!!!!
>
> Kerry
Hi Rick,
Just a quicky to let you know the Health team guy came out this-morning after I sent you the last post. He was really great, showed alot of enthusiasm toward my case, got to the root of my problem which is stuff from way back in my childhood and throughout the years and is referring me to the special treatment clinic where I can work on this stuff. He seems to think that it was the trigger of my illness and if I work through it all, no matter how painful, I shall recover to some degree, maybe not get off meds but feel better in myself. Has anyone ever suggested that to you? It amazes me why noboby ever has before, to me, I might have had this all over and done with if they had of got onto this earlier, way earlier. He called it post traumatic shock and I'm thinking of all you've been through in your life, maybe it's something to look into. No I haven't got my Phd as from today, wish I had though.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little more positive at the moment, still struggling with moods but I will have to learn to handle them.
Well hope you are having a good time right now. It's the 4th of July coming up for you so have a good time, what do you do? Celebrate? Anyway, take care and keep me posted on how you're going!!!!Kerry
Posted by Rick E. on July 5, 2000, at 7:46:22
In reply to Re: to Rick from kerry B, posted by kerry B on July 4, 2000, at 5:44:48
> > Hi Rick,
> > Glad to hear that you moved safely despite a few
> > set-backs. Glad your first priority was to get your pc working!!!!
> > Hope you are feeling really much better now. Nothing worse than having those attacks. I wish I could start the whole month over again and make it that none of this ever happened!!!
> > Actually having a health team guy out today to see me. Don't know how I am going to explain it all to him, as of lately, my vocal communication port has shut down a bit. Can never find the words to describe just what I'm going through. Do you have that problem? Writing for me is so much easier, maybe I'll just hand him my latest input into my journal?
> > Are you back at work now? Hope it is going well for you!!!!! Stay on your meds! It's a catch 22 situation. We feel as though we are on top of the world but it is only the meds but, always live with the hope that one day when we do go off them, we will never need them again. That phase of our lives will have passed.
> > I always believe that this life is like a university and if we hang in there and learn all that we can we will come through with flying colours!!!! (hope that makes sense)!!!!
> > Well, I have to somehow get ready for this visit I'm having. I am up early this-morning and it is so nice and quiet, bit shakey though, don't know why. Hopefully today will be THE day that they will look into my meds and see that there is a major fault there, just hoping anyway!
> > I will keep you posted as to what they tell me today. People have me in hospital already but there's no way I'm going there, done my time before and it's not enjoyable.
> > Hope you're enjoying your new place and all is well as I am writing this...Post you soon......
> > P.S We shall have Phd's, remember, we are in the university of life!!!! HaHaHa!!!!!
> >
> > Kerry
>
>
> Hi Rick,
> Just a quicky to let you know the Health team guy came out this-morning after I sent you the last post. He was really great, showed alot of enthusiasm toward my case, got to the root of my problem which is stuff from way back in my childhood and throughout the years and is referring me to the special treatment clinic where I can work on this stuff. He seems to think that it was the trigger of my illness and if I work through it all, no matter how painful, I shall recover to some degree, maybe not get off meds but feel better in myself. Has anyone ever suggested that to you? It amazes me why noboby ever has before, to me, I might have had this all over and done with if they had of got onto this earlier, way earlier. He called it post traumatic shock and I'm thinking of all you've been through in your life, maybe it's something to look into. No I haven't got my Phd as from today, wish I had though.
> Anyway, I'm feeling a little more positive at the moment, still struggling with moods but I will have to learn to handle them.
> Well hope you are having a good time right now. It's the 4th of July coming up for you so have a good time, what do you do? Celebrate? Anyway, take care and keep me posted on how you're going!!!!
>
> KerryKerry,
Glad to hear that you were satisfied by your team...it's always nice to find some solutions instead of always thinking about our problems. I, luckily, am also on the road of solutions, feeling much better. I also have an easier time writing, it gives me a chance to revise and edit, unlike talking, where once you say it, it's done. I don't blame you for not wanting to go back to the hospital, I've done some "time" there myself, although, at that time, I think I really needed to be there...definately didn't want to be though. I think now that I realize that I have this disease, it is easier to deal with, there are things that I know that I have to do, like meds and whatnot. I am really happy that someone showed so much enthusiasm about your life...it seems like that is one of the biggest complaints on this board, is finding doctors that will give you the time of day. Sounds like you have a good thing going there.
Speaking of childhood issues, yes I am sure that I have carried some things into adult life with me, I think most of it is a general fear of people. I have also had some bad things happen in my adult life that have brought on some new phobias for me...like a divorce that I am now finally getting some headway on, but it's been over 2 years since I have seen my children. My (now) ex-wife, who dated a cop for 7 years, knows the system inside and out, accused me of domestic violence, which was a lie, and has been able to keep me tied up in so much litigation because I won't give up on seeing my kids. I will win this battle, but it has come at a cost, and I am just worried now that the court psychologists will find out about my depression/anxiety state and use THAT against me, after I have come all this way. I just barely escaped jailtime for breaking a protection order by making a phone call, then again a couple years later for driving past her house, which I HAD to do in order to make my probation appointment. She really doesn't know the extent to which she has hurt me, and I don't want her to find out. The last couple of years has been non-stop turmoil for me, and it's been hard to hold my head above water, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I love my kids to death, and it's going to be a hard reunion, but I can't wait...it's going to happen soon.
Well, that's enough for now. Keep me posted.
Rick E.
Posted by kerry B on July 6, 2000, at 3:34:42
In reply to Re: to Rick from kerry B, posted by Rick E. on July 5, 2000, at 7:46:22
> > > Hi Rick,
> > > Glad to hear that you moved safely despite a few
> > > set-backs. Glad your first priority was to get your pc working!!!!
> > > Hope you are feeling really much better now. Nothing worse than having those attacks. I wish I could start the whole month over again and make it that none of this ever happened!!!
> > > Actually having a health team guy out today to see me. Don't know how I am going to explain it all to him, as of lately, my vocal communication port has shut down a bit. Can never find the words to describe just what I'm going through. Do you have that problem? Writing for me is so much easier, maybe I'll just hand him my latest input into my journal?
> > > Are you back at work now? Hope it is going well for you!!!!! Stay on your meds! It's a catch 22 situation. We feel as though we are on top of the world but it is only the meds but, always live with the hope that one day when we do go off them, we will never need them again. That phase of our lives will have passed.
> > > I always believe that this life is like a university and if we hang in there and learn all that we can we will come through with flying colours!!!! (hope that makes sense)!!!!
> > > Well, I have to somehow get ready for this visit I'm having. I am up early this-morning and it is so nice and quiet, bit shakey though, don't know why. Hopefully today will be THE day that they will look into my meds and see that there is a major fault there, just hoping anyway!
> > > I will keep you posted as to what they tell me today. People have me in hospital already but there's no way I'm going there, done my time before and it's not enjoyable.
> > > Hope you're enjoying your new place and all is well as I am writing this...Post you soon......
> > > P.S We shall have Phd's, remember, we are in the university of life!!!! HaHaHa!!!!!
> > >
> > > Kerry
> >
> >
> > Hi Rick,
> > Just a quicky to let you know the Health team guy came out this-morning after I sent you the last post. He was really great, showed alot of enthusiasm toward my case, got to the root of my problem which is stuff from way back in my childhood and throughout the years and is referring me to the special treatment clinic where I can work on this stuff. He seems to think that it was the trigger of my illness and if I work through it all, no matter how painful, I shall recover to some degree, maybe not get off meds but feel better in myself. Has anyone ever suggested that to you? It amazes me why noboby ever has before, to me, I might have had this all over and done with if they had of got onto this earlier, way earlier. He called it post traumatic shock and I'm thinking of all you've been through in your life, maybe it's something to look into. No I haven't got my Phd as from today, wish I had though.
> > Anyway, I'm feeling a little more positive at the moment, still struggling with moods but I will have to learn to handle them.
> > Well hope you are having a good time right now. It's the 4th of July coming up for you so have a good time, what do you do? Celebrate? Anyway, take care and keep me posted on how you're going!!!!
> >
> > Kerry
>
> Kerry,
>
> Glad to hear that you were satisfied by your team...it's always nice to find some solutions instead of always thinking about our problems. I, luckily, am also on the road of solutions, feeling much better. I also have an easier time writing, it gives me a chance to revise and edit, unlike talking, where once you say it, it's done. I don't blame you for not wanting to go back to the hospital, I've done some "time" there myself, although, at that time, I think I really needed to be there...definately didn't want to be though. I think now that I realize that I have this disease, it is easier to deal with, there are things that I know that I have to do, like meds and whatnot. I am really happy that someone showed so much enthusiasm about your life...it seems like that is one of the biggest complaints on this board, is finding doctors that will give you the time of day. Sounds like you have a good thing going there.
>
> Speaking of childhood issues, yes I am sure that I have carried some things into adult life with me, I think most of it is a general fear of people. I have also had some bad things happen in my adult life that have brought on some new phobias for me...like a divorce that I am now finally getting some headway on, but it's been over 2 years since I have seen my children. My (now) ex-wife, who dated a cop for 7 years, knows the system inside and out, accused me of domestic violence, which was a lie, and has been able to keep me tied up in so much litigation because I won't give up on seeing my kids. I will win this battle, but it has come at a cost, and I am just worried now that the court psychologists will find out about my depression/anxiety state and use THAT against me, after I have come all this way. I just barely escaped jailtime for breaking a protection order by making a phone call, then again a couple years later for driving past her house, which I HAD to do in order to make my probation appointment. She really doesn't know the extent to which she has hurt me, and I don't want her to find out. The last couple of years has been non-stop turmoil for me, and it's been hard to hold my head above water, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I love my kids to death, and it's going to be a hard reunion, but I can't wait...it's going to happen soon.
>
> Well, that's enough for now. Keep me posted.
>
> Rick E.
Hi there Rick,
How are you going? Really well I hope!!!! I am amazed at all the things you've been through and survived, it's a heck of a lot!!!!
You must miss your kids terribly!! I went through that with my divorce. My ex wouldn't let me have access, oh, he did at first but then cut it completely off and I was devastated so I know what you are going through - I feel helpless for you as I wish there was something I could do!!!
I looked into custody rights. They actually told me that if I was stable on medication and was functioning ok and had a good doctors report, there is no way that the ex spouse can stop you from having access to your kids. That's over here, maybe it is different where you are but it's worth a go. YOU HAVE come along way so they can't hold that against you because you seem to be responsible and reliable, I can tell by the way you express yourself when you write so, don't let her or her tough cop friend sway you in any way!! You will win!!!!
She sounds like a really hard woman. Doesn't she have any compassion for, you after all, you were married and you had kids together!!!!!! She sounds quite selfish in her attitude toward you.
Sorry, but I just get upset when women (myself being a woman) can treat the father of their children like that!!! I couldn't do it!!!!!
Maybe I'm a softy? No I don't think so.
I can understand you not wanting her to know how hurt you are, but maybe it just might help. She might just find it in her heart to let you see the kids and stop with all this bitter attitude stuff she's doing, what do you think? She doesn't have to know you were not well again or anything like that, just how you are longing to see your own flesh and blood, the kids that will carry on your name!!!!!
Anyway, how is your new place? Hope you're settling in ok. New place. new break, sounds like a good idea to me!!!!!
Well, have to go as dinner has arrived. Not cooking tonight, ordered takeaway-pizza of course!!!! Sorry I have to go, could have written heaps more but I will next time. Take it easy and I'm so glad you are feeling better!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep it up!!!!!!!! Bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Kerry (excuse any spelling mistakes!!!)
Posted by kerry B on July 6, 2000, at 5:04:18
In reply to Re: to Rick from kerry B » Rick E., posted by kerry B on July 6, 2000, at 3:34:42
> > > > Hi Rick,
> > > > Glad to hear that you moved safely despite a few
> > > > set-backs. Glad your first priority was to get your pc working!!!!
> > > > Hope you are feeling really much better now. Nothing worse than having those attacks. I wish I could start the whole month over again and make it that none of this ever happened!!!
> > > > Actually having a health team guy out today to see me. Don't know how I am going to explain it all to him, as of lately, my vocal communication port has shut down a bit. Can never find the words to describe just what I'm going through. Do you have that problem? Writing for me is so much easier, maybe I'll just hand him my latest input into my journal?
> > > > Are you back at work now? Hope it is going well for you!!!!! Stay on your meds! It's a catch 22 situation. We feel as though we are on top of the world but it is only the meds but, always live with the hope that one day when we do go off them, we will never need them again. That phase of our lives will have passed.
> > > > I always believe that this life is like a university and if we hang in there and learn all that we can we will come through with flying colours!!!! (hope that makes sense)!!!!
> > > > Well, I have to somehow get ready for this visit I'm having. I am up early this-morning and it is so nice and quiet, bit shakey though, don't know why. Hopefully today will be THE day that they will look into my meds and see that there is a major fault there, just hoping anyway!
> > > > I will keep you posted as to what they tell me today. People have me in hospital already but there's no way I'm going there, done my time before and it's not enjoyable.
> > > > Hope you're enjoying your new place and all is well as I am writing this...Post you soon......
> > > > P.S We shall have Phd's, remember, we are in the university of life!!!! HaHaHa!!!!!
> > > >
> > > > Kerry
> > >
> > >
> > > Hi Rick,
> > > Just a quicky to let you know the Health team guy came out this-morning after I sent you the last post. He was really great, showed alot of enthusiasm toward my case, got to the root of my problem which is stuff from way back in my childhood and throughout the years and is referring me to the special treatment clinic where I can work on this stuff. He seems to think that it was the trigger of my illness and if I work through it all, no matter how painful, I shall recover to some degree, maybe not get off meds but feel better in myself. Has anyone ever suggested that to you? It amazes me why noboby ever has before, to me, I might have had this all over and done with if they had of got onto this earlier, way earlier. He called it post traumatic shock and I'm thinking of all you've been through in your life, maybe it's something to look into. No I haven't got my Phd as from today, wish I had though.
> > > Anyway, I'm feeling a little more positive at the moment, still struggling with moods but I will have to learn to handle them.
> > > Well hope you are having a good time right now. It's the 4th of July coming up for you so have a good time, what do you do? Celebrate? Anyway, take care and keep me posted on how you're going!!!!
> > >
> > > Kerry
> >
> > Kerry,
> >
> > Glad to hear that you were satisfied by your team...it's always nice to find some solutions instead of always thinking about our problems. I, luckily, am also on the road of solutions, feeling much better. I also have an easier time writing, it gives me a chance to revise and edit, unlike talking, where once you say it, it's done. I don't blame you for not wanting to go back to the hospital, I've done some "time" there myself, although, at that time, I think I really needed to be there...definately didn't want to be though. I think now that I realize that I have this disease, it is easier to deal with, there are things that I know that I have to do, like meds and whatnot. I am really happy that someone showed so much enthusiasm about your life...it seems like that is one of the biggest complaints on this board, is finding doctors that will give you the time of day. Sounds like you have a good thing going there.
> >
> > Speaking of childhood issues, yes I am sure that I have carried some things into adult life with me, I think most of it is a general fear of people. I have also had some bad things happen in my adult life that have brought on some new phobias for me...like a divorce that I am now finally getting some headway on, but it's been over 2 years since I have seen my children. My (now) ex-wife, who dated a cop for 7 years, knows the system inside and out, accused me of domestic violence, which was a lie, and has been able to keep me tied up in so much litigation because I won't give up on seeing my kids. I will win this battle, but it has come at a cost, and I am just worried now that the court psychologists will find out about my depression/anxiety state and use THAT against me, after I have come all this way. I just barely escaped jailtime for breaking a protection order by making a phone call, then again a couple years later for driving past her house, which I HAD to do in order to make my probation appointment. She really doesn't know the extent to which she has hurt me, and I don't want her to find out. The last couple of years has been non-stop turmoil for me, and it's been hard to hold my head above water, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I love my kids to death, and it's going to be a hard reunion, but I can't wait...it's going to happen soon.
> >
> > Well, that's enough for now. Keep me posted.
> >
> > Rick E.
>
>
> Hi there Rick,
> How are you going? Really well I hope!!!! I am amazed at all the things you've been through and survived, it's a heck of a lot!!!!
> You must miss your kids terribly!! I went through that with my divorce. My ex wouldn't let me have access, oh, he did at first but then cut it completely off and I was devastated so I know what you are going through - I feel helpless for you as I wish there was something I could do!!!
> I looked into custody rights. They actually told me that if I was stable on medication and was functioning ok and had a good doctors report, there is no way that the ex spouse can stop you from having access to your kids. That's over here, maybe it is different where you are but it's worth a go. YOU HAVE come along way so they can't hold that against you because you seem to be responsible and reliable, I can tell by the way you express yourself when you write so, don't let her or her tough cop friend sway you in any way!! You will win!!!!
> She sounds like a really hard woman. Doesn't she have any compassion for, you after all, you were married and you had kids together!!!!!! She sounds quite selfish in her attitude toward you.
> Sorry, but I just get upset when women (myself being a woman) can treat the father of their children like that!!! I couldn't do it!!!!!
> Maybe I'm a softy? No I don't think so.
> I can understand you not wanting her to know how hurt you are, but maybe it just might help. She might just find it in her heart to let you see the kids and stop with all this bitter attitude stuff she's doing, what do you think? She doesn't have to know you were not well again or anything like that, just how you are longing to see your own flesh and blood, the kids that will carry on your name!!!!!
> Anyway, how is your new place? Hope you're settling in ok. New place. new break, sounds like a good idea to me!!!!!
> Well, have to go as dinner has arrived. Not cooking tonight, ordered takeaway-pizza of course!!!! Sorry I have to go, could have written heaps more but I will next time. Take it easy and I'm so glad you are feeling better!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Keep it up!!!!!!!! Bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Kerry (excuse any spelling mistakes!!!)Back again, I had my pizza, bad of me as this zyprexa puts weight on so I should be watching what I eat!!! What the heck!!!!!
As you said, writing is easier than verbal conversation because you can amend it whereas verbally, if you say the wrong thing, it's too late. Boy, have I said some things that I regret saying when I'm in one of my moods, all I can do is hope the person didn't take it to heart because it can be really hurtful and sometimes I have no control. If something or someone upsets me!!!! Whoa!!! they cop it if their timing is wrong but now hopefully, these meds will put me and my tongue straight!!!!!! I love to write though because it is a better release for me. I can really put my imagination into it to describe how I'm feeling. Do you find that?
I don't like to ask but have you been diagnosed as schizoaffective also? You said the past few years have been turmoil, is that because of the illness? I discovered mine in 1995 so the last five years of my life have been like bunji jumping.
One minute your up the next down then sometimes you're stuck in the middle not knowing which direction you're going!!!!
Please try to focus on the positive things O.K?
Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and then bang! you reach the shore and I know you will because in earlier posts to me, you were so positive. I know things can really get us down and especially in your case, you have reason to feel down but stay positive because you will win!!!!!!!!!! I know it!!!!!!!! I know what it's like to love your kids to death and you'd do anything for them but maybe your ex will wear down who knows? Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow. Anyway, if worse come to worse, your kids will always know that you are there and when they are old enough, they will be more than happy to come to you. That's what happenend in my case. They found me and just recently, my second eldest came to live with us for 7 months and I saw the older one more than I have ever seen him before. So it all works out!!!! Don't get stressed about it, I know that's easy to say, but just show her that you are O.K and you want no trouble, that you're not interested in her and her life, just the kids!!!
O.K I've said enough now, probably too much sorry!!!!!
O.K this time I'm going. you take care because you are important to a lot of people o.k
Bye for now,kerry again!!!!!!
Posted by Rick E. on July 6, 2000, at 6:58:23
In reply to Re: to Rick from kerry B, posted by kerry B on July 6, 2000, at 5:04:18
> > Hi there Rick,
> > How are you going? Really well I hope!!!! I am amazed at all the things you've been through and survived, it's a heck of a lot!!!!
> > You must miss your kids terribly!! I went through that with my divorce. My ex wouldn't let me have access, oh, he did at first but then cut it completely off and I was devastated so I know what you are going through - I feel helpless for you as I wish there was something I could do!!!
> > I looked into custody rights. They actually told me that if I was stable on medication and was functioning ok and had a good doctors report, there is no way that the ex spouse can stop you from having access to your kids. That's over here, maybe it is different where you are but it's worth a go. YOU HAVE come along way so they can't hold that against you because you seem to be responsible and reliable, I can tell by the way you express yourself when you write so, don't let her or her tough cop friend sway you in any way!! You will win!!!!
> > She sounds like a really hard woman. Doesn't she have any compassion for, you after all, you were married and you had kids together!!!!!! She sounds quite selfish in her attitude toward you.
> > Sorry, but I just get upset when women (myself being a woman) can treat the father of their children like that!!! I couldn't do it!!!!!
> > Maybe I'm a softy? No I don't think so.
> > I can understand you not wanting her to know how hurt you are, but maybe it just might help. She might just find it in her heart to let you see the kids and stop with all this bitter attitude stuff she's doing, what do you think? She doesn't have to know you were not well again or anything like that, just how you are longing to see your own flesh and blood, the kids that will carry on your name!!!!!
> > Anyway, how is your new place? Hope you're settling in ok. New place. new break, sounds like a good idea to me!!!!!
> > Well, have to go as dinner has arrived. Not cooking tonight, ordered takeaway-pizza of course!!!! Sorry I have to go, could have written heaps more but I will next time. Take it easy and I'm so glad you are feeling better!!!!!!!!!!!!
> > Keep it up!!!!!!!! Bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> > Kerry (excuse any spelling mistakes!!!)
>
> Back again, I had my pizza, bad of me as this zyprexa puts weight on so I should be watching what I eat!!! What the heck!!!!!
> As you said, writing is easier than verbal conversation because you can amend it whereas verbally, if you say the wrong thing, it's too late. Boy, have I said some things that I regret saying when I'm in one of my moods, all I can do is hope the person didn't take it to heart because it can be really hurtful and sometimes I have no control. If something or someone upsets me!!!! Whoa!!! they cop it if their timing is wrong but now hopefully, these meds will put me and my tongue straight!!!!!! I love to write though because it is a better release for me. I can really put my imagination into it to describe how I'm feeling. Do you find that?
> I don't like to ask but have you been diagnosed as schizoaffective also? You said the past few years have been turmoil, is that because of the illness? I discovered mine in 1995 so the last five years of my life have been like bunji jumping.
> One minute your up the next down then sometimes you're stuck in the middle not knowing which direction you're going!!!!
> Please try to focus on the positive things O.K?
> Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and then bang! you reach the shore and I know you will because in earlier posts to me, you were so positive. I know things can really get us down and especially in your case, you have reason to feel down but stay positive because you will win!!!!!!!!!! I know it!!!!!!!! I know what it's like to love your kids to death and you'd do anything for them but maybe your ex will wear down who knows? Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow. Anyway, if worse come to worse, your kids will always know that you are there and when they are old enough, they will be more than happy to come to you. That's what happenend in my case. They found me and just recently, my second eldest came to live with us for 7 months and I saw the older one more than I have ever seen him before. So it all works out!!!! Don't get stressed about it, I know that's easy to say, but just show her that you are O.K and you want no trouble, that you're not interested in her and her life, just the kids!!!
> O.K I've said enough now, probably too much sorry!!!!!
> O.K this time I'm going. you take care because you are important to a lot of people o.k
> Bye for now,
>
> kerry again!!!!!!Hi Kerry again,
Just wanted to let you know that it's really helpful to hear that your kids wanted to see you after all that turmoil. My kids are very young still, 3 and 4 years old, and according to the state psychologist, they "have no reaction" to pictures of me, which translated, means they have no idea who I am anymore. That's because their mother, who has no heart, has completely removed me from their lives.
I also have an 8 year old daughter who I see every weekend, her mother is from a different relationship that I had when I was young. She and I (her mother) have a very good relationship, or, more of an understanding, that the kid comes first, no matter what we might be feeling towards one another. I am not the horrible person that my ex-wife wants, and seems to be able, to make the courts believe. I have recently made some headway with the courts though, the judge I went in front of a couple of weeks ago is very upset with the entire situation and he says he is going to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of this case. Maybe that will mean that her evil ways will be exposed. I sure hope so, I have spent the last 2 years not only feeling like a failure because my marriage didn't work out, but also, adding insult to injury, feeling like a criminal because of all of this court BS.
It's been hard for me to find direction in all of this. I know I am a good person, capable of many things, very talented etc. I found a wonderful person, that I am now living with, and she treats me so well, she really has been my best friend through all of this...and I am hoping this work out there too. I just pray every day that God will help me move in the direction that he wants me to go...as I don't seem to know what that is. I just ask for Him to show me...and I will follow...and that really helps to keep me focused on what he wants for my life.
I was originally diagnosed as having situational anxiety and depression, although, in retrospect, my life has pretty much always followed the same thought patterns, just different (and unfortunate) situations have been occuring non-stop for quite some time now. I have tried, through it all, to remain positive and not let the negative things get to me, but I guess, somewhere underneath it all, they did. I know I can't be happy right now without my meds, and I am coming to some sort of understanding with myself that I may need them for quite a long time, and I guess that's ok, as long as I can function and be who I need to be.
It's been a long journey the last two years, but I really think that things are headed in the right direction, and I hope that all this pain and suffering was not in vain. I can't wait to see my boys, I know it's going to change my life dramatically to have them be a part of my life.
Well, enough of this novel, sorry it's so long!
Rick E.
This is the end of the thread.
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