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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
Hi Gang,
It's me again. Do you rember the thread a while ago about
the Depressed Person's Lair? I told you about the absolute
disrepair and neglect of my house. Yeah, I know it's
more than lethargy and apathy. It's also a way to further
isolate myself.I told you of a friend I made in the hospital. We got
together at his house this weekend, talked a lot and
had lunch & dinner. Now he wants to vist me at my house.
NEXT WEEKEND. I can't allow that. It would take 6 months
of full time work & several thousand dollars before I'd
let anyone into my house.How do I deal with this situation? Tell him I'm a complete
slug and live in filth with the walls falling in around
me? No Way. He's a very open, honest guy. I don't want
to lose this friendship. It is good to have a friend
and to be able to talk.So, what do I do?
Posted by Clementine on March 12, 2000, at 20:34:01
In reply to this old house, posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
I understand your anxiety. A simple solution would be to tell him that you would rather meet him elsewhere, like at a new restaurant or cafe--this seems reasonable, and as you get to know him better you could gradually inform him about the situation, But heyy, now you have a reason to start sorting through your house, right? NOthing like the motivation of anew friendship to brighten one's perspective! good luck! clementine
Posted by Janice on March 12, 2000, at 22:23:55
In reply to Re: this old house, posted by Clementine on March 12, 2000, at 20:34:01
I've been following your postings (whether or not I reply) and if I remember correctly, you met him in group therapy at the hospital.
Why not just say to him (of course, in words that feel comfortable to you) something like, 'My house is a pig-stye since having this depression...and I'd be too embarrassed to have you over to my house. Can we meet somewhere else?'
He may just say, he doesn't care...and if you want to meet out, sure. Actually I bet he will, and probably not even blink an eyelash.
Janice.
Posted by bob on March 12, 2000, at 23:01:48
In reply to this old house, posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
> So, what do I do?
You could move.
;^)
Look, you say he's open and honest. Plus, you met him at the hospital -- you already know each other's "worst secrets" ... that ice is broken. I agree with Clementine and Janice -- be honest with him about your place not being ready for company and you'd like to meet somewhere else.
Who knows? He might confess that while he was in the hospital, a nosy relative came in and cleaned his place up without his permission, and now he can't find anything he needs.
It could happen, y'know
bob
Posted by Noa on March 13, 2000, at 5:59:51
In reply to Re: this old house, posted by bob on March 12, 2000, at 23:01:48
I agree. Certainly don't set youself up to fail by expecting to get the house in shape before his visit. Just put it out there without making too big a deal of it. I agree with the others that given that he likes you, and you met in the psych ward, for goodness sake (been there, done that), I don't think you saying your house is a mess and could we get together somewhere else is going to break the friendship.
Good luck.
BTW--my apt? the cleaned up spaces are filling in rapidly. I'm definitely doing the obstacle course dance again.
Posted by bigbertha on March 13, 2000, at 8:32:18
In reply to this old house, posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
> It would take 6 months
> of full time work & several thousand dollars before I'd
> let anyone into my house.Hi Harry
The advice from previous posts are on target, especially
with respect to being honest regarding your current
circumstances.However, this may be the opportunity
(if possible, considering finances,mental strength, etc.)
to start doing something about your "toad-abode".Begin by contacting a Home Inspection Service (many listed in
phone directory, but you may know a builder/RE agent, etc
who can steer you to a reputable business) to get an
itemized/prioritized report. Again, depending upon finances and/or
desire, they can put you in touch with licensed, reputable
"handymen" (usually retired electricians/plumbers...) or
contractors if the job is too big. In fact, there are some services
that for a yearly fee, schedule periodic visits to your home and
automatically contact the correct services for you. They even follow-up
the work to make sure it was done correctly. This might help you
tremendously if it can relieve you of at least one major stressor
in your life.
warmest regards,
bb
Posted by Cass on March 13, 2000, at 19:09:41
In reply to this old house, posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
You had a friend with whom you had a falling out, how had you dealt with the situation with him? I bet that if you explain your situation to your new friend, the way you have explained it here, he will understand. Someone else mentioned that since you met in group therapy, you already new his darkest secrets. Most likey, he won't be judgemental about this issue of yours either. I'm glad you've made a new friend, and I am wishing you well.
Posted by harry b. on March 14, 2000, at 17:44:38
In reply to this old house, posted by harry b. on March 12, 2000, at 18:50:40
Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I can't afford
to move or to have repairs done right now (no income
for the past 2 months).Telling him and meeting out somewhere is workable,
I hope he'll understand that. It's just that I'd like
to be able to reciprocate his inviting me to his
house, talking, showing me his photos, plants,
books, etc.
Posted by PattyG on March 15, 2000, at 22:23:34
In reply to Re: this old house, posted by harry b. on March 14, 2000, at 17:44:38
Hiya Harry,
I understand about the need to reciprocate. But you know, if he's really of "worth," I don't think he'll bolt and run if you don't entertain in your home right away. Perhaps you can set a goal. Sit down and make a calendar of events to take place regarding the cleaning of the abode. Give yourself one week per room - write out your objectives with regard to everything. Always entertain in the evening, use low lighting, candles and nice background music - the attention is more on the ambiance and mood of the place rather than the decor!
Until then, invite your friend to join you at one of your favorite haunts - some quaint, obscure place where they serve comfort foods in a library atmosphere or take in a comedic stage play that will ensure an enjoyable evening. Spring is springing - visit a flower and patio show or go to a flea market (indoors, perhaps) Scour the entertainment section of your newspaper and find out "what's up." (oh geez......I guess that's supposed to be....."wazzzz up-p-p-p?!) Or Check the Internet (or your state's tourism dept. and find out if there are any festivals or special events in the near future.)
The pleasure of your company should be sufficient, but it might be nice to have a plan and work toward that. In the meantime, don't let your problems get in the way of enjoying life! You know what they say.........."If you have one foot in "yesterday" and the other foot in "tomorrow," you pee all over "today!"
Take care:)
P.S. - You might invest in some nice boxes with lids to store some of the clutter in or use square/rectangular baskets.........that's what I call my "crap" with distinction!
This is the end of the thread.
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