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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
OK.. I feel much better today than I have done the past fewdays- Part of this might be the fact that I realised work wasmaking me feel bad, so I didn't go to work today.
But, my husband seems to findit impossible to try and understand how I feel. He says he understands when I ask him, butin his actions, and words, heso obviously does not.
I just wondered if anyone out there had anything/ knew of anything I could ask him to read to see that I'm not feeling the way everyone does ta timeto time, and thatI can't cimply "Pull myself together".
Any help here would be HUGELY appreciated.
Thanks
Posted by ChrisK on March 15, 2000, at 10:11:59
In reply to Feeling better (thanks!).. But husband problems, posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
Try this site
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/
Go to the section on depression and information to the public. It includes many brochures and information that are put out by the government. It's a start.
Posted by Anna P. on March 15, 2000, at 14:03:46
In reply to Feeling better (thanks!).. But husband problems, posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
> My husband hates that I have a treatment resistant depression, and he hates that I'm the failure: having degree cannot work. He hates my weight problems, and he absolutely hates the sexual sysfunction - all caused by meds which don't work anyway.
Anyone in a similr situation?
Posted by NikkiT on March 15, 2000, at 14:43:55
In reply to Feeling better (thanks!).. But husband problems, posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
My husband won't even admit I'm ill... he thinks I'm just a bit low... But I've been making him read this site to make him realise.
Luckily, he's not so worried about my weight - He says he'd like me slim, but, then, he has a very low sex drive anyway, so maybe he doesn't notice my body, fat or thin.
His opinions about ym meds are.. well, he works with pharmisists, so tends to come home, tell me how bad the meds are for me, and sulk..No advice there is there?? But if you ever want a hubby moan, feel free to mail me!!
Nikki
Posted by JanetR on March 15, 2000, at 15:49:47
In reply to Re: Husband problems, posted by Anna P. on March 15, 2000, at 14:03:46
> > My husband hates that I have a treatment resistant depression, and he hates that I'm the failure: having degree cannot work. He hates my weight problems, and he absolutely hates the sexual sysfunction - all caused by meds which don't work anyway.
> Anyone in a similr situation?You've said it all ! Jan
Posted by JanetR on March 15, 2000, at 15:53:49
In reply to Anna P, posted by NikkiT on March 15, 2000, at 14:43:55
> My husband won't even admit I'm ill... he thinks I'm just a bit low... But I've been making him read this site to make him realise.
>
> Luckily, he's not so worried about my weight - He says he'd like me slim, but, then, he has a very low sex drive anyway, so maybe he doesn't notice my body, fat or thin.
> His opinions about ym meds are.. well, he works with pharmisists, so tends to come home, tell me how bad the meds are for me, and sulk..
>
> No advice there is there?? But if you ever want a hubby moan, feel free to mail me!!
>
> Nikki
But can you blame them. I'd probably be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. That's why I just want to get well. I hate being like this . Jan
Posted by JanetR on March 15, 2000, at 17:10:32
In reply to Re: Anna P, posted by JanetR on March 15, 2000, at 15:53:49
> > My husband won't even admit I'm ill... he thinks I'm just a bit low... But I've been making him read this site to make him realise.
> >
> > Luckily, he's not so worried about my weight - He says he'd like me slim, but, then, he has a very low sex drive anyway, so maybe he doesn't notice my body, fat or thin.
> > His opinions about ym meds are.. well, he works with pharmisists, so tends to come home, tell me how bad the meds are for me, and sulk..
> >
> > No advice there is there?? But if you ever want a hubby moan, feel free to mail me!!
> >
> > Nikki
> But can you blame them. I'd probably be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. That's why I just want to get well. I hate being like this . JanI feel guilty the whole time that somehow I've shortchanged them. I never have the energy to bake a cake, whip up a fancy-dress costume or take them out.I dread it when they have friends over and I hate taking them to parties ( social phobia). I'm always tired and grumpy. What kind of memories are they going to have of me . Like I said , I hate myself and I hate this darn illness. Jan
Posted by Cam W. on March 15, 2000, at 18:54:36
In reply to Anna P, posted by NikkiT on March 15, 2000, at 14:43:55
Nikki - I am a pharmacist who specializes in mental disorders. I will debate his pharmacists (or him) on the actions of the medications, the need for the medications and any other concerns he may have. I have written a journal article on the stigma of mental illness (geared for pharmacists) and am giving a presentation to 3rd year pharmacy students on how to avoid stigmatizing their patients with mental illness. Show your husband this posting and have him formulate his questions and concerns. I will respond with fully referenced replies for ALL of his concerns. He can e-mail me or post on this website. I hope he contacts me, for your sake. A marriage is a terrible thing to waste. Sincerely - Cam W.
Posted by allisonm on March 15, 2000, at 21:46:22
In reply to Feeling better (thanks!).. But husband problems, posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
Nikki,
My ex-husband said he understood and was all for whatever treatment I sought out for my depression, no matter the cost -- he said.But I found over time that he had no idea what I was dealing with. He could not relate at all. There was one time when we got into a horrible fight in January of 98. It got to a point where the only way I could see out was to throw myself into the icy outlet to the lake that we lived near. It was just down the street. I set out for it, pretty much intending to jump/wade into the deep part of the outlet and let the current take me out and under. My husband followed me, caught me, would not leave me alone, would not let me go. He pulled me back to the house -- sobbing because I didn't want to go back. I was not cold at all when I was outside, but started shaking and weeping when we got home. It was all I could do to sit on the couch and try to focus enough to keep some composure and sit upright. I was sitting there staring at the floor as hard as I could when my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I hardly had the words. It took a lot of energy just to whisper the word "no."
Our marriage was collapsing. Maybe I saw it coming and didn't recognize it. Maybe that's partly why the depression set in, although I think I had had it for years. It just had worsened. It became clear that winter that we had grown apart.
My husband was very paranoid about my going to see my psychiatrist every week. He thought I was talking about him (I was, of course) and he wanted to know what I was saying and what my doctor was saying.
By spring he had started saying things like "I think you're going to be depressed for the rest of your life" or "Your attitude about yourself (fat, ugly, stupid) makes me love you less." By May he'd decided he didn't love me anymore and then had started complaining about his own depression symptoms (sleeplessness, weight loss) as though he'd just discovered they'd existed. As if he were the first person in the world to ever have them.
By June he'd decided on the second meeting with the marriage counselor that he wasn't willing to work on the marriage. That was the end. We had been married 12 years. He moved out in July 98. By October 98 he'd bought a condo with a woman from work. The divorce was final in mid-December of 99. They were married immediately.
So I have no happy ending or good advice. There are several web sites that describe depression well. Check Dr. Bob's links.
One thing I have found helpful in explaining depression to friends is William Styron's book Darkness Visible. I have bought several copies for people. I was reading it about the time my husband was moving out. I would have asked him to read it, but I was too angry and probably would have just hit him over the head with it instead.
allisonm
Posted by Anna P. on March 16, 2000, at 16:39:10
In reply to and what about the children?, posted by JanetR on March 15, 2000, at 17:10:32
> > >
> Nobody would ever understand, until it happens to him. Simply, if You are healthy, you don't care about other people problems. My brother in law is very rich. But they can't have children. Now he got cancer. He is in Peru, in the jungle where there is a famous doctor who cures this kind of illnesses. But the money is useless to him now, he would pay every price to live.
Anna P.
Posted by bob on March 16, 2000, at 19:44:32
In reply to Re: Husband problems, posted by Anna P. on March 15, 2000, at 14:03:46
> Anyone in a similr situation?
hey Hey HEY!! It goes both ways ;^)
Before I launch into it, another place to check out is the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill's website-- www.nami.org. They do a lot of advocacy work on issues surrounding stigma.
My mostly-ex-girlfriend is a clinician in training. She spent years working as a psychiatric halfway-house worker, an experience in which she learned a helluva lot about meds. Right now, she's halfway through her internship at a rather prestigious NYC psych-center. If anybody could be understanding and supportive, it'd be her.
You know what? She is all that.
You know what else? It's still not enough.
In my current state, I cannot meet her needs. That's the bottom line. I'm not saying this so that everyone else here will reflect and come to the same conclusion for his or herself, thinking the blame is deserved. Far from it! I have been in a very self-centered existence for some time, and I need to be there still -- I doubt that applies as strongly to most of you out there reading this. I made this clear several years back ... and we both chose to stay together.
My point in saying this is to point out what could have been. Even if my girlfriend had all that it takes to be the most understanding and supportive person any of us could want, she still has her own issues. Just like Jan was saying about her husband, my girlfriend couldn't bring how her own problems and issues interfered with our relationship ... the focus was all on me.
The funny thing about it all is this -- that all the focus was on me -- is something she'd complain about all the time, even tho she could never admit that this was exactly how she wanted things to be. No focus on her. All the blame on me.
On top of that, I have the problem of living with an "expert", someone who knows a helluva lot more than the average person on the street about this stuff, but still a pretty meager measure of experience as a professional. She's at a stage of development where she's over-enamoured with theory. She has her theories about me ... and if I disagree with her views on my behaviors and motivations, I'm the one who is wrong. Theories are aids to understanding -- they are not scripts for the behavior of individuals.
Sure, it doesn't help much that she's a dyed-in-the-wool Freudian and I'm a social cognitive/social constructivist psychologist, either.
So much for venting ... if you want my advice for dealing with non-comprehending folk, give'em what my grandma used to tell me: when you point your finger at someone, there are three pointing right back at you.
Or, if that don't work -- we hate most in others the things we hate, but can't admit, about ourselves.
my two cents,
bob
Posted by michael on March 17, 2000, at 2:25:47
In reply to Re: Husband problems, posted by bob on March 16, 2000, at 19:44:32
> > Anyone in a similr situation?
>
> hey Hey HEY!! It goes both ways ;^)
>
> Before I launch into it, another place to check out is the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill's website-- www.nami.org. They do a lot of advocacy work on issues surrounding stigma.
>
> My mostly-ex-girlfriend is a clinician in training. She spent years working as a psychiatric halfway-house worker, an experience in which she learned a helluva lot about meds. Right now, she's halfway through her internship at a rather prestigious NYC psych-center. If anybody could be understanding and supportive, it'd be her.
>
> You know what? She is all that.
>
> You know what else? It's still not enough.
>
> In my current state, I cannot meet her needs. That's the bottom line. I'm not saying this so that everyone else here will reflect and come to the same conclusion for his or herself, thinking the blame is deserved. Far from it! I have been in a very self-centered existence for some time, and I need to be there still -- I doubt that applies as strongly to most of you out there reading this. I made this clear several years back ... and we both chose to stay together.
>
> My point in saying this is to point out what could have been. Even if my girlfriend had all that it takes to be the most understanding and supportive person any of us could want, she still has her own issues. Just like Jan was saying about her husband, my girlfriend couldn't bring how her own problems and issues interfered with our relationship ... the focus was all on me.
>
> The funny thing about it all is this -- that all the focus was on me -- is something she'd complain about all the time, even tho she could never admit that this was exactly how she wanted things to be. No focus on her. All the blame on me.
>
> On top of that, I have the problem of living with an "expert", someone who knows a helluva lot more than the average person on the street about this stuff, but still a pretty meager measure of experience as a professional. She's at a stage of development where she's over-enamoured with theory. She has her theories about me ... and if I disagree with her views on my behaviors and motivations, I'm the one who is wrong. Theories are aids to understanding -- they are not scripts for the behavior of individuals.
>
> Sure, it doesn't help much that she's a dyed-in-the-wool Freudian and I'm a social cognitive/social constructivist psychologist, either.
>
> So much for venting ... if you want my advice for dealing with non-comprehending folk, give'em what my grandma used to tell me: when you point your finger at someone, there are three pointing right back at you.
>
> Or, if that don't work -- we hate most in others the things we hate, but can't admit, about ourselves.
>
> my two cents,
> bob
A friend of mine has a similar saying...Spot it, you got it. Suprising how often there's truth in it.
Posted by michael on March 17, 2000, at 12:11:40
In reply to Feeling better (thanks!).. But husband problems, posted by NIkkiT on March 15, 2000, at 8:39:27
> OK.. I feel much better today than I have done the past fewdays- Part of this might be the fact that I realised work wasmaking me feel bad, so I didn't go to work today.
>
> But, my husband seems to findit impossible to try and understand how I feel. He says he understands when I ask him, butin his actions, and words, heso obviously does not.
>
> I just wondered if anyone out there had anything/ knew of anything I could ask him to read to see that I'm not feeling the way everyone does ta timeto time, and thatI can't cimply "Pull myself together".
>
> Any help here would be HUGELY appreciated.
>
> Thanks
http://www.mayohealth.org/mayo/9901/htm/depressi.htmTake a look - mentions a lot of the stuff we've discussed...
This is the end of the thread.
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