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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sane vs sanity on February 1, 2000, at 21:15:51
Do you ever feel you are on the brink of madness? Somedays it scares the hell out of me when my mind starts getting ahead of me. I think about dying all the time, not suicide,but wondering when it will happen and how. This is a constant for me. Is this part of being bi-polar? I was diagnosed a year ago and I am 37. Would love to find a drug that could make me numb and not think about the dying. My husband thinks I could just get over this because he doesn't fully believe in any mental illness especially this. My kids think I am psycho. I try to tell them about my illness. My mother passed away a little over a year ago and it has been very hard for me, Sometimes xanax helps me to relax, but i know I can't take it all the time, wish I could. Hoping someone will respond. thanks
Posted by Noa on February 1, 2000, at 21:32:06
In reply to balancing on the edge, posted by sane vs sanity on February 1, 2000, at 21:15:51
Sounds like an obsession, a preoccupaton. What feeling goes with the wondering about death?
Were you close with your mother?
As a child, did you have separation anxiety? Was it hard for you to go away from your mother? Or when she went away from you?
I don't think you are crazy. I do think it must be crazy-making to be unsupported through all of this.
Posted by Amanda S on February 1, 2000, at 22:07:16
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Noa on February 1, 2000, at 21:32:06
I think it is hard for family members to understand what I am going through because they cannot idetify with me. Some one once said,"You have too much time on your hands". My husband said getting on this website is a great place to get sympathy. He will never understand. I will admit being very upset when my mother would leave to go to work when I was very young. I remember standing outside and crying my eyes out at 4 years old yelling for my mom not to leave for work. She later told me she should have never left me to go to work. We became best friends when I married at the age of 18. All our walls came down, especially the last few years of her life. I am going to a new psychiatrist in a week ,because my present psycologist and psychiatrist are so busy they keep canceling appts. It is happening to alot of people. I sometimes wonder if my psycologist cancels because she doesn't want to listen to me.
Posted by Noa on February 1, 2000, at 22:22:00
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Amanda S on February 1, 2000, at 22:07:16
Loss, loss, and more loss.
What an awful feeling, to have your therapist cancel appointments.
My therapist is reliable, but my pdoc has several times cancelled appointments (the secretaries made appointments for him on days when he wouldn't be there!) at the last minute, and then when I call to reschedule, I am told his next appointment available is in three weeks. I have come close to switching, but since he told me to page him if anything like that happens (and he then fits me in at the end of the day), I feel more reassured.
I was thinking, is there a place that has berievement groups that you could go to?
Posted by Phil on February 2, 2000, at 9:01:23
In reply to balancing on the edge, posted by sane vs sanity on February 1, 2000, at 21:15:51
I say Sane,
When my mother died 5 years ago, I thought about my own mortality a lot! This probably went on for over a year and, to me, seeems kind of a natural tendency.
My brothers and I spent a few weeks taking care of all the things that needed to be done after her death and I remember us all being very worried about each others trip home, etc. When death is that 'close', you just think about it more. I hope this makes sense.Phil
Posted by judy on February 2, 2000, at 13:42:37
In reply to balancing on the edge, posted by sane vs sanity on February 1, 2000, at 21:15:51
I am sorry about the loss of your mother- it sounds as if you are grieving (which is perfectly normal). Everyone has their own time-table. I agree with the other poster that a support group may help. Stressful situations tend to exacerbate bipolar symptoms- which is why you're probably feeling out of control. Be upfront with your pdoc, if the xanax is helping with your anxiety then that's great. Klonopin may be a better option in bipolar patients- it has mood stabilizing qualities along with reducing anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Amanda S. on February 2, 2000, at 15:58:25
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Noa on February 1, 2000, at 22:22:00
Thank you everyone for responding to my message, it's nice to know someone understands what you are going through. I am praying that I will find a good pdoc who will take the time to listen to me and all the confusion in my mind. My psychologist was very helpful until she decided to be at her office only A couple of days a week. My appts. were moved to another day at least a month away or all together canceled. The past couple of days have been uneasy for me. I Came home from art class and felt unstable (that's my way of describing a feeling of going mad) just felt awful, so I poured a glass of wine and took a half xanax. I heard that xanax is addictive and am afraid to take it to much. This morning I felt the same way,my mind feels like it is numb. I am sorry for pouring my guts out to you all, but this really helps me.
Posted by Noa on February 2, 2000, at 16:21:36
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Amanda S. on February 2, 2000, at 15:58:25
Amanda, please try not to feel sorry about expressing yourself to us. That is what this place is about.
The cutback in access to your psychologist is a big emotional loss, and you are still grieving the loss of your Mom. That is a lot to deal with.
Posted by Tom W on February 3, 2000, at 16:04:29
In reply to balancing on the edge, posted by sane vs sanity on February 1, 2000, at 21:15:51
> Do you ever feel you are on the brink of madness? Somedays it scares the hell out of me when my mind starts getting ahead of me. I think about dying all the time, not suicide,but wondering when it will happen and how. This is a constant for me. Is this part of being bi-polar? I was diagnosed a year ago and I am 37. Would love to find a drug that could make me numb and not think about the dying. My husband thinks I could just get over this because he doesn't fully believe in any mental illness especially this. My kids think I am psycho. I try to tell them about my illness. My mother passed away a little over a year ago and it has been very hard for me, Sometimes xanax helps me to relax, but i know I can't take it all the time, wish I could. Hoping someone will respond. thanks
Dear SVS,
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I haven't crossed
that bridge yet and don't want to. My mom is my
closest friend on earth. I want to ask you about
your diagnosis of bipolar. I too think of death all
the time. It haunts me like a black cloud. I take
an AD and I'm screwed up on that as they cut my doseage
from 75mg to 25mg a day; by mistake I think. I'm
climbing the walls now. What did they base the
diagnosis of bipolar disorder on. I'm wondering if
I'm that too. I'm not suicidal but can't get death
off my mind. I was involved in a car accident 2 years
ago that was my fault and someone was killed. This has
taken a lot out of my life. Also have other toughies
to deal with such as a sour marital situation. What did they
put you on for bipolar. I don't want to be a pest
but I'm curious about this. Thanks and I hope it
gets better for YOU. tom w
Posted by Amanda S on February 3, 2000, at 20:45:44
In reply to Re: balancing on the edge, posted by Tom W on February 3, 2000, at 16:04:29
I knew there was something different in me when I took prozac in 1990 and had extreme highs , euphorias,but I liked it. Never had any down times taking prozac and in the beginning found it hard to cry. A friend of mine took it also,but it did not give her the highs. Jan. 1999,I was falling apart after my mothers death. Having bi-polar disorder you cannot focus on one thing without thinking about a million other things at the same time, I call it a cluttered mind. The chaos in your brAIN overwhelms you to a point so far you can't enjoy everyday life because you obcess over crap that most people don't think about like death. I guess that's why so many artists commit suicide. I don't ever feel that waybecause I have a spiritual life and believe that I will see Christ and then my loved ones in heaven,so I think God would be very disappointed in me if I did a crazy thing like suicide. I just find medications that help me deal with it. Some people have more extremes than others. Ups and downs. My husband has minor ups and downs, but mine are more extreme. My mother use to say to me when I was a young girl,"You are so moody".
I've always felt different. It is hard for me to make friends who are not like me, these people are very comfortable with themselves and confident. I believe this disorder is genetic, but many events in my life could have made it worse. My therapist knew when I was manic once when I came to see her, I knew too. I also can get agitated mania (there is a name for it,just can't think of it). You get very angry and high at the same time. I take lamictal and it has taken those moods away,although I still get some depression. I can't imagine what you are going through living with a tragic experience in your life like you went through. It will always be in the back of your mind. You certainately can't change the past but you can ask God ( if you believe in him) to take the burden of this memory away from you. I have asked him for this many times and it was something I really wanted to go away because I live with guilt also ( bi-polar symtom). He took it away and I have never looked back, but you really have to want to get rid of it. I am sorry about your marital difficulties. My sister-in-law is going through a terrible divorce. Her husband after 21 years decided he was in love with their neighbor and her best friend. He has made a bad mistake. If you are bi-polar it can make your marriage shakey. My husband sort of understands. If you have deep creative thoughts and could write poems by the thousands you maybe unipolar or bi-polar. I suggest that you go see a psychiatrist to be tested. One other thing I believe God can deliver me from this awful madness, but I believe he has a purpose for me to be this way. I hope you didn't mind me writing so much. It really helps to get things out on a website for people like me. This has been thrapeutic.
This is the end of the thread.
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