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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:39:21
Tonight, as every night, I looked in the mirror and I saw all these lines being etched on my face.. seems like every day now, time's creeping up faster, eroding present into past too quickly, so that future is past before it's ever really been present ... and I need to hold onto that, hold onto the Present Moment as long as possible, I smoked so much and I have to stop now, my body can't take it anymore. Soon I'll look like one of those withered bent old prunes who I see at work every day, every day Lord ... I have to quit, I have to. Because I refuse to smell like that. And I REFUSE TO LOOK LIKE THAT COME HELL OR HIGH .. what the hell. What a dumb saying.
Posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:42:38
In reply to Hmh., posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:39:21
Anyways, the point is, is that Life is too precious to waste on dumb, stupid habits that only make me feel depressed in the end, because I have body-knowledge, an Inside Knowing .. it's a Bernie Siegel thing, you know? If I were to draw a picture of myself right now and focus on one thing that wouldn't be right .. that's where it would be. Heart and lungs, heart and lungs, and every day my heart is racing and skipping and bumping all over the place, all the time it seems like, and it Hurts when I smoke, and God damn it I have to stop. It's a nasty filthy disgusting habit, and I will either get a really good vapourizer or QUIT altogether, which would be the best thing, which I will do, I Will Do That.
Posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:50:37
In reply to Re: Hmh., posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:42:38
And not to mention it really takes away from a good smile. Teeth should be all white and sparkly. And I want my teeth like that and sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet breath like the kind I like to smell myself, that kind of breath, the I'm-young-and-healthy breath. Not the old, nasty breath. Lots of water and gum, water and gum and quit the damn smoking. Quit. Now. Quit it. I will stop smoking mj because it is an ugly, nasty habit that is a bad influence on my children. Mind you, it can't be all bad for them to see the negative consequences such a nasty habit has .. as long as they don't have to suffer themselves, I mean, the consequences are just that I'll die younger .. and I won't get to spend a lot of time with my grandkids, if I had any, nor would I get to see the end of Civilization as we know it ... I mean I'm kidding of course, but don't you see that's the way we're going, we're headed straight in that direction and those of us who have known this for most of our lives are not at all surprised, just surprised that everyone else seems so surprised ... and there's always going to be another realm for us to inhabit .. oh by the way our world is run by the kind of kook who says about Australia's drought that they should Pray for Rain. Nothing about Global Warming, nothing about the effects of our negligence on the place we were given to do our Best with ...
Yes we're pretty much governed by fools.
And that seems to be okay with everybody. And I just get sick and tired, absolutely ill in every cell of my body with the grief of it all.
Detachment is the only answer. So now we all sit and meditate, and stew ourselves in Positive Energy.
Yikes, it's too effing much to Bear.
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:30:15
In reply to Re: Hmh., posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:50:37
Sometimes I look at what went through my mind, and the stuff I wrote down, or put out there, whatever, and I can't stand the way it sounds. Cheap, malicious, silly crap, some of it. Really. I mean, maybe not malicious, but not coming from a pure intent to create any Good. That way. Like that. As in, I sound stupid, silly, and ignorant sometimes. Thank God I can see that, you know? Whew to recognition. Thank you (very deep theatrical bow)
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:38:01
In reply to Re: Hmh., posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:50:37
We live in this beautiful garden city right on an ocean and my friend and I dreamt today about our ideal city. We would have it so that the entire city was dedicated to bicycling and walking, rollerblading individuals. Nothing powered by motor on these walks, anyways. And we would have it so that the only vehicles allowed to use the roads within the city limits would be supply vehicles and emergency vehicles .. and the entire city would be set up for bicycling, so the major portion of most current roads would now be given over to bicycle paths, a lane in each direction, with very low bushes as dividers (as grass is environmentally unsound both in terms of oxygen given back and the noise and pollution created in using gas-powered or electric mowers, so we're talking human power, as they do in India today ... do we really want to go there? We may have to, in the end) ...
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:41:58
In reply to Today We were talking about Our Ideal Town » susan47, posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:38:01
Yeah, so yes, anyways .. and the point was, is all these people would come out from their homes and offices and all these faces would meet each other, coming and going, people would get fit and fitter, live longer, healthier, happier lives because transport was no longer a problem at all, as bicycles cost next to nothing and are free fitness, no exhaust fumes to deal with, no noise to go up against, no five thousand-pound vehicle staring you down the throat ...
It would be Nirvana, that type of existence, to have to suddenly spend so much of our time in greenness, amongst the trees, the flowers, the grass ... life would be too easy if we all believed in just being free of our crutches .. which eventually will become exactly what puts us into crutches .. our reliance on the "good life" .. hah.
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:47:25
In reply to Re: Today We were talking about Our Ideal Town, posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:41:58
I need to jump into my vehicle and drive to the gym, the good life awaits juuuuuust around that corner.
Oh.
Maybe the next one.
Next corner.
Here it comes.
Posted by amjo on May 24, 2007, at 10:54:39
In reply to Hmh., posted by susan47 on April 25, 2007, at 1:39:21
"Please share this site with others by not starting more than 3 consecutive threads on the same board or posting more than 3 consecutive follow-ups in the same thread."
Posted by gardenergirl on May 24, 2007, at 18:05:17
In reply to 3 post rule anyone -?, posted by amjo on May 24, 2007, at 10:54:39
Posted by susan47 on May 24, 2007, at 19:33:57
In reply to Notification procedure, anyone? (nm), posted by gardenergirl on May 24, 2007, at 18:05:17
Posted by gardenergirl on May 24, 2007, at 22:15:18
In reply to Excuse me (nm) » gardenergirl, posted by susan47 on May 24, 2007, at 19:33:57
Posted by dispatcher on May 31, 2007, at 9:20:14
In reply to Forgot to check the previous poster button above (nm), posted by gardenergirl on May 24, 2007, at 22:15:18
Posted by karen_kay on May 31, 2007, at 11:01:32
In reply to didn't forget the sarcasm, though! Thanks sugar! (nm) » gardenergirl, posted by dispatcher on May 31, 2007, at 9:20:14
besides, why not let susan47 continue on. it's not like anyone else is adding to her (his? i can't really assume much here anyway) conversation.
sheesh! details, details.
as well, isn't that what the notification button is for anyway?
that's my dollar's worth. wait, isn't it supposed to be 2 cents ro something? oh, please, if you feel froggy, correct me if i'm wrong :)
Posted by dispatcher on May 31, 2007, at 11:43:14
In reply to nothing wrong with a little sarcasm! » dispatcher, posted by karen_kay on May 31, 2007, at 11:01:32
I've seen others blocked or PBC'ed for far less.
where's the zazenducke when you need them?
Posted by gardenergirl on May 31, 2007, at 16:39:58
In reply to excepptttttttt----, posted by dispatcher on May 31, 2007, at 11:43:14
If you or anyone else would like to have the above posts (or any others for that matter) reviewed for civility, Dr. Bob asks that you use the notification form as per the FAQ. If you or anyone else has a question or comment about the 3 post rule (or any other rule for that matter), Dr. Bob asks that you post that on the admin board.
Hope that helps, pumpkin.
gg
Posted by dispatcher on June 1, 2007, at 10:02:37
In reply to Re: excepptttttttt---- » dispatcher, posted by gardenergirl on May 31, 2007, at 16:39:58
Posted by susan47 on June 10, 2007, at 14:54:57
In reply to Re: excepptttttttt---- » dispatcher, posted by gardenergirl on May 31, 2007, at 16:39:58
and I think that really, the next time, I should just make it all one LOOOONNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Rant so that no one should feel like they have to open another post of mine. Please don't. Don't feel obliged. If my posting more than three in a row on a thread where I'm usually all by myself bothers you, then I suppose You Certainly Shall Do Something about it.
Good thing I like y'all in spite of yourselves, and me in spite of myself too, I should add. Are you offended? I sincerely hope not, because no offense was Ever intended.
Posted by susan47 on August 18, 2007, at 2:23:58
In reply to I hate the way I am, posted by susan47 on May 23, 2007, at 16:30:15
to that part of my soul that can't say goodbye, cannot shut it off, shut it down, say I love you, I want you to love me too, but I want you to be safe, and whole, and secure in the life you have but I also want to be a part of it, of knowing you, because I think you are a person I need in my life, even if I can never see your face in real life ever again, which would kill me if I knew that; if I knew I would never see your face in front of my eyes again, if I knew I'd never be in your presence ever again, if I knew all that now, I wouldn't want to live. I want to say goodbye to the part of me that needs you. I want to kill it off, I want to make sure I can still be whole though, a whole human being, a person in my own right, someone who's as Good as you are. Because I know that about you, I know that you are truly Good to your core, the essence of your Being is Pure, Good, Whole in bodyspiritmind. You are so lovely ... I love you so much ... I want to Live.
Posted by Toph on November 19, 2007, at 17:32:23
In reply to Hello, posted by susan47 on August 18, 2007, at 2:23:58
Sorry I missed this thread for I would certainly have weighed in earlier on the topics of writing vs. rules, sarcasm vs. civility, etc. In the end, I'm glad that the Administration chose tolerance for differing styles of expression much as we must show tolerance for those with obsessive compulsions for order.
I'm glad you want to live Susan.
Posted by susan47 on November 24, 2007, at 1:53:24
In reply to Re: Hello » susan47, posted by Toph on November 19, 2007, at 17:32:23
I just read "Hello" again for the first time in many months and I'm all swollen and lumpy in my throat, my eyes are buggy and my heart is healing.
Posted by susan47 on December 25, 2007, at 18:09:19
In reply to Re: Hello » Toph, posted by susan47 on November 24, 2007, at 1:53:24
How I could attribute aspects of a person to them that they may not have. Sad how I could get hung up on that, thinking things that are not true .. necessary to put things into perspective now. Such an outpouring of emotions. My goodness.
Posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 12:53:47
In reply to Hello, posted by susan47 on August 18, 2007, at 2:23:58
I'm not what I wanted to be, and that's not okay.
I wanted, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be happy. I don't remember wanting to be with anyone, except my parents, my family. I never really imagined my life without them. I never thought about boys as being attainable. I always had a crush on some guy. It was always silent, and painful, and I never did say more than hello to any one of them, if even that. The first guy that I had a crush on, I also lost my virginity to him.
How strange to think I had a virginity, that I was once virginal.
It's not real, though.
My mind was never virginal, from the time I was little I had thoughts and feelings that were Huge, absolutely huge, and I learned somehow to shut them all inside, to shut them up because whenever they came out they were ridiculed or trampled on .. really. I mean, can you imagine a parent that would do such a thing to his child, to her child? And I have to realize these things were truly and really Done to me, and I took it all inside and shut it away .. and my self-shame just grew with each passing year. I learned to be ashamed of myself, I learned to feel ugly, and stupid. Even though, I don't really believe in my deepest soul that I am. I still learned to feel that way. I learned how to feel bad.
Feeling bad was a stranger to me at three, and even at seven I think I still knew I was capable of making other choices, choices to love myself and stand up for myself, choices to be brave and strong and fearless in my own right, but somehow,
somehow.
God, somehow it was all beaten out of me, and never recognized by anyone, and even now just thinking and saying it, writing it makes me tight in my throat, in the back of my throat there's a tightness being released coming up in tears, and flooding my cheeks.
Posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:00:48
In reply to my life, posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 12:53:47
I'm reading back, and it sounds like sexual abuse. I don't understand, because that never happened.
Something happened though.
Something did happen, or I would not be this way. I remember, as a small child, not feeling this way about myself, I must have been really young. I don't know, tell me, what happens to an infant left to cry all night, every night? When she has a major operation with anaesthetic, when she's dying at three weeks? I don't get it. What happened, was it before then or after then that I knew I was whole and complete, and good and worthy? When? When did it happen? God, I want to go back to before any of it, and be whole, and then god, dear loving lord, Lord of my Soul, Lord of my Heart, please god, let me children be complete and loving to themselves, let me have somehow been a Good Parent .. God, I was such a lousy mother. God I want to have been a good mom, because more than anything, I know how important Love is, to Life.
I love you.
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could have been different.
I wish I could have been better.
I have to let this go.
I have to let it go, now.
Please god, allow me to feel complete and whole. Loving to myself.
I love you.
Posted by susan47 on March 28, 2008, at 9:29:45
In reply to Re: my life, posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:00:48
> I'm reading back, and it sounds like sexual abuse. I don't understand, because that never happened.
> Something happened though.
> Something did happen, or I would not be this way. I remember, as a small child, not feeling this way about myself, I must have been really young. I don't know, tell me, what happens to an infant left to cry all night, every night? When she has a major operation withOUT anaesthetic, when she's dying at three weeks? I don't get it. What happened, was it before then or after then that I knew I was whole and complete, and good and worthy? When? When did it happen? God, I want to go back to before any of it, and be whole, and then god, dear loving lord, Lord of my Soul, Lord of my Heart, please god, let me children be complete and loving to themselves, let me have somehow been a Good Parent .. God, I was such a lousy mother. God I want to have been a good mom, because more than anything, I know how important Love is, to Life.
> I love you.
> I'm so sorry.
> I wish I could have been different.
> I wish I could have been better.
> I have to let this go.
> I have to let it go, now.
> Please god, allow me to feel complete and whole. Loving to myself.
> I love you.Without, without anaesthetic, darling.
And mother told to take her infant home,
no point in keeping her here at the hospital,
she was either going to make it or not,
and she was better off with the mother,
and mother carried the infant home.
What her feelings must have been .. I just don't know I can only imagine. Despair, a nightmarish feeling of love and loss, a desire for the innocent happiness of yesterday ..
Posted by susan47 on April 15, 2008, at 23:44:49
In reply to Re: my life, posted by susan47 on March 28, 2008, at 9:29:45
Whew. What a lot to say, when one is unleashed and stoned.
One day soon I will be unleashed and NOT stoned.
Yes.
It has to happen that way.
It just has to.
For me, for my children, my family and friends, even.
I can't sink much further than this. I just can't. I have to put the Ego away forever. It has to disappear.
I've been a slave to this f*ck*ng ego, no father can hurt a child without that child also having an Ego that allows itself to be hurt.
Yes? No? I think that might be going too far.
Just a tad, a bit too far, darling.
Yes.
Too far. A mind that doesn't know when enough is enough, Enough, GOD DAMN IT! I realized just now, what all the caps mean in my writing, they are my FATHER SHOUTING, Damn it! Damn it damn it all, I just realized this.
And my ego once again plays a song, taps a dance with itself.
It.
The I, where is the I in it?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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