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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karolina on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:27
I'm sorry I haven't been around lately and have not responded to posts, I feel really bad and I want to be better about doing that, since you guys are always so nice to take the time and write something to help me out.
My boss at work is making me feel really uncomfortable, but I don't know if I am overreacting to it or not. He asks me questions that are in no way related to work, like 'Do you have a boyfriend, well why not, don't you want somebody to make out with?' And today while I was letting him know that I took a message for him while he was out, he just kept staring a hole through me and finally I just was like 'what!?' because it started creeping me out. He said 'I could stare at you all day, as beautiful as you are'...It made me feel disgusting. I have very low self-esteem and sometimes I wonder if people just give me compliments because they feel sorry for me for how bad I look and can see how ugly I feel. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now...but I am very sensitive to being called beautiful, I think it's too strong of a word to compliment with and I especially have issues with it, because when I was raped... the guy (who was a former good friend of mine) kept telling me over and over again 'you're so beautiful' along with other horrible four-letter words, talking dirty to me and calling me a b*tch. While that was happening, I had never felt so ugly in my life, so now it's like I feel sick whenever someone else has used the word beautiful to describe me.
Anyway my boss also always finds some way to touch me, just walking by or even when he stands next to me - which feels way too close. He'll like rub my shoulders or touch my back and stuff like that. Also today he told me to come into his office and sit with him just one on one to discuss business stuff but instead he ended up avoiding the subject of work and commented on my tan, asking if I was tan 'all over my body'...
Maybe I am just being over-paranoid. But he's married and has a baby at home! I felt so slutty and guilty as I left. I have to dress conservatively for my job, so it wasn't even like I was wearing a mini skirt and a low cut tank top or something. Am I overreacting? Or should I be concerned? Thanks,
-Karolina-
Posted by Karolina on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:27
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
When I first walked in today, he also had asked if I had been 'thinking about him'...I haven't seen him in awhile since he's been on vacation, but the way he said it had a very seductive tone to it...
Posted by susan47 on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to one other thing he said, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:07:36
If you're in Canada I would recommend you get in touch with Human Rights, there's a number somewhere if I can find it, I don't know if I've even got the name of the department right but I know there's an advocate and you NEED one right now. It's sad what happened to you, I was raped more than once (can you believe it, I mean how stupid could I have been???) ... and yes I know how it feels to be hated for being yourself ... and a man using his hate against you, to hurt you .. me .. whatever, I know. But this guy is another one of those, and I think you know a predator, a Predator, by now.
Get help. You don't deserve this. This man is raping you psychically and the physical act may not be far behind. If what you're saying is accurate, you have reason to be concerned.
IMO.
Posted by susan47 on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to Re: one other thing he said, posted by susan47 on July 28, 2006, at 1:28:14
Not to mention that what he's doing is illegal and he can be sued. You can sue him for doing this. Do you have a union?
Posted by Racer on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
That's sexual harrassment, and it's against the law. You do have rights, and I strongly suggest you contact someone in your human resources department RIGHT NOW to do something about this. I won't even detail all the reasons it's wrong, but it's something HE is doing TO you. It's not something you've caused.
Susan is right about predatory behavior, though. I don't think anyone is complimenting you because they can see you lack self esteem. I do think, though, that a lot of predators target victims they believe won't fight back. I'm told that fighting back helps with getting over past traumas, too.
And do something now. I had a similar situation, and lost my job over it. I didn't speak up for myself, and didn't know what to do, so he could have me fired when I didn't respond.
Posted by caraher on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
(((Karolina)))
It's sad that you could even question whether your worries are appropriate. What he's doing is outrageously illegal and immoral and you need to follow Susan and Racer's advice, blow the whistle on this behavior and put his harassment to an immediate end!
I'm so sorry you're going through this as well as having been raped. Your instincts are trustworthy and your fragile self-esteem should not be cause for further undeserved suffering. Be strong!
Posted by pegasus on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
Hi Karolina,
This is definitely sexual harrassment, and it is all about him deciding to behave this way, not about anything that you are doing. Some things that are often recommended to people who are in this situation:
- Start keeping a journal of everything he says and does that makes you uncomfortable. Write down the dates and times, and what he said and did.
- Tell your human resources department at work. They will want to know about this, because the company can be sued and they will be very concerned about their liability (if they're smart).
- Tell someone else, like a friend or coworker. It might be helpful to give them a copy of your journal. If you tell someone else about it, then when it comes down to disciplining him (or taking legal action should it go that far), you'll have more evidence to back you up. The key is to tell this person when it happens, not a while afterwards. That is evidence that the situation was making you uncomfortable at the time.
- Tell your boss that some of the things he says make you uncomfortable and you'd like him to stop making personal comments to you. When he touches you, tell him that you don't like to be touched. This one is hard, and I know it can make you afraid for what he might do in resonse (since he is your boss). But that's the whole point of why sexual harrassment is wrong and illegal.I wish you a lot of luck with this situation, and I'm really glad you posted here. If you can't do the things that are recommended, I understand that it's hard. Don't feel bad about that. I just hope you can do enough to help you feel more comfortable and safe at work.
peg
Posted by ElaineM on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
Karolina: I can't believe you have to deal with this too! It seems you have stuff coming at you from all sides. What you've described is very serious. You don't even need to question your gut reactions, like with your T. This stuff with your boss is glaring, and clear-cut. Do not feel bad about any of your feelings, what you wear, what you feel about yourself -- anything! He is completely out of line. Listen to everyone here (peg's post is great)! Do what you can to protect yourself!
Don't feel bad if you can't. Or at least not everything at once -- maybe just start with the journal idea even. Is this a full-time job, part-time, summer?
I wish I could do something for you. ((((Karolina))))
I'm so sorry this is happening, ELaine
Posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 1:08:28
In reply to Re: inappropriate behavior? *triggers* » Karolina, posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 9:58:44
(((((karolina))))) Everyone said what I think about your situation.
Posted by Karolina on July 29, 2006, at 21:32:01
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
Thanks so much you guys for your responses. It felt better to write out how I was feeling about his behavior and all of your responses made me feel better as well.
My boss is kind of a flirt with everyone at work, so that's why I thought maybe I was overreacting to some of his comments. Luckily I don't see him all the time because I usually work more with the 2 managers that work under him. Yesterday he was more busy with meetings and stuff but he was still around some of the time and twice he had put his arm around me walking through the office saying 'let's go for a walk'...it was weird. It made me feel nervous, and also embarassed because the other employees asked me later if I was in trouble or something. He also would walk by and brush his hand across my hips which I didn't like either.
I am really scared of him. He is so intimidating. I remember like the first week I started working there he got really frustrated because I wasn't doing something right and like got really angry with me and made me cry, then later on that day he came and talked to me one on one apologizing saying 'You're too pretty to cry, you're gorgeous, etc' and I remember it making me feel weird and pathetic, like he was trying to flatter me and make it up to me, after being so mean to me.
I am just too scared to go try to file a complaint against him right now. I am so scared he'll get really angry with me and fire me for it. Hopefully next week he won't be around very much and that if he is, I can try to avoid him when possible.
Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. If it gets any worse or if he tries to make a move on me somehow - then I will definitely take action against him. Right now I am just a little too scared and worried that I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. But I'll keep you guys posted.
-Karolina-
Posted by Karen44 on August 4, 2006, at 0:18:58
In reply to inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on July 27, 2006, at 23:03:28
> I'm sorry I haven't been around lately and have not responded to posts, I feel really bad and I want to be better about doing that, since you guys are always so nice to take the time and write something to help me out.
>
> My boss at work is making me feel really uncomfortable, but I don't know if I am overreacting to it or not. He asks me questions that are in no way related to work, like 'Do you have a boyfriend, well why not, don't you want somebody to make out with?' And today while I was letting him know that I took a message for him while he was out, he just kept staring a hole through me and finally I just was like 'what!?' because it started creeping me out. He said 'I could stare at you all day, as beautiful as you are'...It made me feel disgusting. I have very low self-esteem and sometimes I wonder if people just give me compliments because they feel sorry for me for how bad I look and can see how ugly I feel. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now...but I am very sensitive to being called beautiful, I think it's too strong of a word to compliment with and I especially have issues with it, because when I was raped... the guy (who was a former good friend of mine) kept telling me over and over again 'you're so beautiful' along with other horrible four-letter words, talking dirty to me and calling me a b*tch. While that was happening, I had never felt so ugly in my life, so now it's like I feel sick whenever someone else has used the word beautiful to describe me.
>
> Anyway my boss also always finds some way to touch me, just walking by or even when he stands next to me - which feels way too close. He'll like rub my shoulders or touch my back and stuff like that. Also today he told me to come into his office and sit with him just one on one to discuss business stuff but instead he ended up avoiding the subject of work and commented on my tan, asking if I was tan 'all over my body'...
>
> Maybe I am just being over-paranoid. But he's married and has a baby at home! I felt so slutty and guilty as I left. I have to dress conservatively for my job, so it wasn't even like I was wearing a mini skirt and a low cut tank top or something. Am I overreacting? Or should I be concerned? Thanks,
>
> -Karolina-Karolina
There is absolutely NO DOUBT that your boss is engaging in sexual harrassment. Doesn't matter if he is a flirt or does this with others. He can be sued along with the company you work for. Have you talked to an attorney??
Karen
Posted by Karolina on August 5, 2006, at 10:26:31
In reply to Re: inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karen44 on August 4, 2006, at 0:18:58
Hi Karen thanks for your response.
I haven't talked to an attorney yet.. I think I am just too scared about everything right now, plus I really need this job and I don't want to get fired somehow, or have all the other employees start to gossip about what's going on and stuff. But you're right, it really is harassment and thank goodness right now he is away on a business trip. but if he still behaves the same way towards me once he's back, then I do plan to take action.
-Karolina-
Posted by Karen44 on August 11, 2006, at 23:02:53
In reply to Re: inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on August 5, 2006, at 10:26:31
> Hi Karen thanks for your response.
>
> I haven't talked to an attorney yet.. I think I am just too scared about everything right now, plus I really need this job and I don't want to get fired somehow, or have all the other employees start to gossip about what's going on and stuff. But you're right, it really is harassment and thank goodness right now he is away on a business trip. but if he still behaves the same way towards me once he's back, then I do plan to take action.
>
> -Karolina-Good for you; nothing like being proactive to start feeling better about oneself.
Karen
Posted by joslynn on August 14, 2006, at 16:09:41
In reply to Re: inappropriate behavior? *triggers*, posted by Karolina on August 5, 2006, at 10:26:31
Does your company have an employee handbook that explains their sexual harrassment policy? If they don't, they are stupid! I work for a small company, under 100 people, and even we have a policy spelled out.
This is absolutely sexual harassment.
If I were you, I would take your posts, and make a little file. Put the details, along with dates when the comments were made/when he touched you etc., if you can remember.
If it happens again, continue to keep your log. Then you can show that to HR.
This is the end of the thread.
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