![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 268 to 292 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2014, at 22:25:57
it isn't that i'm not really enjoying evolutionary biology. it is more that i'm really not enjoying evolutionary biology. partly it is that i haven't clicked very well with the people. mostly it is that i just... don't like it particularly.
i think i'll skip the next 4 lectures on that. rejoin when we move to muscle and nerve tissue. I will learn to deal with *ssh*l*s at some point... but not right now. it isn't '*ssh*l*' particularly. it is more... that for some totally bizarre reason they look to educational theory rather than psychology learning theory to justify their teaching practices. and then... that is what they do. cherry pick data to justify their doing whatever it is that they want to do. mostly my problem is that if you make a request of them... instead of being 'sure no problem' - which other lecturers seem to manage okay... instead of that... they decide to throw their weight around / dig in their heels. why? because... they can. that really does seem to be it... i'm sick and tired of little comments about how they should tell us special information since we bothered to turn up (complete disregard for people who may be sick, people who may simply learn differently etc) then told to lighten up (because laughing at other's is hilarious). of obnoxious noises being placed in lectures to 'wake us all up' (offensive to those who are following along and only obnoxious to those who would probably have done better not to come'. babysitting videos... where the audio is illegible. listening to bbc documentaries on how everything is evolving to the epitome of evolution - people. or listening to the Simpsons because Gould got a mention... I've really had enough. I've sent off the relevant emails... And I guess what will happen now will be that people will close ranks.
I need to stay away. Do the readings in my own time. It really will be better next year. They don't give the best science kids the idiot teachers. Fairly sure. We may even get teachers capable of carving out a manageable take home chunk of content for each lecture with clear lecture objectives. The coursebook for next year... Seems to consist in a little more of that. Instead of... This crazy thing they do of assuming that we know the model case (humans) and teaching us deviations for different animals... When the class where people learn about humans is a limited entry course running this semester - so nobody has that information as previously existing.
I have trouble with aspects of my test... We are asked to draw things and seems to me that at various points I did in fact draw the relevant thing... But got no marks for it. No model answers went up. We didn't get the multi-guess portion back. Feeling a lot like they threw them down the stairs... Feeling a lot like tech.
I guess it is. I guess that is what has happened now. As techs have started offering degrees... Universities have started running that calibre of a degree program. Comperable courses. The techs like it too because they can say that what they are teaching is at degree level. Which of course it is. Since the universities have really started to offer scrambled time wasters... Pretty pissy, I am, for sure. Partly it is the time of year. Partly it is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, for sure. But then partly it is also about things not being presented particularly coherently or logically (that sh*t takes work - so much more effective to spend ones time hunting down copyright approval to play the Simpsons in class because that joke is totally crucial for the exam). Fed up...
Constant reminders that I have in fact made the right decision to do OY1 next year. Another prepratory year would be counter-productive. Even if I don't do well enough next year... I won't regret not having taken another prepratory year. Pretty sure I need to stay the f*ck away from physiology as my major. I think cell / devo and molecular genetic type courses (more 'hard science') will be okay... But the 'I like to fish' people... Well... I guess I'll stay away from sport science too, because I guess it will only be a lot more of that over there...
Deep breath. Parallel stream... Parallel world... Stuck in the kiddy pool area for Bio like how I was stuck in the kiddy pool area for Chem last semester. With the 'gate keeper' people designed to waste your time / indulge you in wasting their time to keep you the hell away from the people who actually get work done... It is kinda heartbreaking to see the actual kids... Growing up. Some of them feeling about as pissed off about all this as me... Better at sucking it up... Probably mostly because it is through the course of this year... That they have come to see the kiddie pool they found themselves in... And they have developed suitable motivation to get the hell out.
That is probably it.
And that is probably why people who do go on to do well... Think that those who don't do well are lazy and / or stupid. And... Are disparaging about that. Because they remember how those people got in the way and prevented their learning and did the whole crabs in a bucket thing... And so they are so f*ck*ng happy to have distinguished themselves from that group and they really will do everything in their power to keep their place / to keep other people in their place... Because they remember the f*ck*ng horror of being put in the wrong f*ck*ng group.
Stay away. For sure. I don't like where my head is at with this.
One more week. And I don't even have to go.
I suppose I should focus on gratitude. I am grateful that I didn't get a place in the foundations program this year. If I had have got a place... I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have lasted the year in that. I would have wigged out at some point and... And then what? I don't know. Or if somehow miraculously I did manage to make it through that year... I would be in the awful position of wondering whether I needed the year I'm doing now to prepare me better...
The thing is that this year... The preparation thing is... Dubious. It is a dubious relation. Some aspects are extremely relevant. But there is a lot of b*llsh*t. And there is a whole f*ck*ng ton of the 'things most people find easy' to try and make the 'things most people find hard' to be easier. Only... For me... I'm built the other way around. So a lot of the things that are supposed to 'help' are hinderances for me. If people had an ability to listen to what I'm saying things would run differently for me...
- Organic lecturer. Is good. Thinks clearly. I can follow along. It will be hard... But I don't have problems with her teaching or whatever. She did dig in her heels a bit about powerpoints... But she said she will hand them over if I put in a disability request. So... I think I might...
Biology people... F*ck knows. That lecture I went to was great. 3/4 of the way through the class... A place where things tend to get 'itsy bitsy' because the students will be too scrambled to notice - right? 6 steps in chlorine regulation (and then rather a ton of information on cystic fibrosis and he said he didn't expect people to learn the history dates of discovery for various things which suggested he did expect people to learn everything else). but there it was... clear and precise. a managable chunk of content (depending on how seriously you crammed the cystic fibrosis stuff or took your chances a little more with that). anyway... it made me smile. because it seemed fair. and... a managable 'bare minimum' thing... anyway... whatever...
I feel bad for skipping a week of classes because i am a good contientious student. i've only missed 4 classes all year. but... i gotta do what i gotta do. i'm sure there is a bunch of people who... uh... like to fish or something who think he's terrific. i guess it is important to keep those people... the other uni across the bridge offers a whole degree in marine biology... we wouldn't want to not offer a degree comperable to them...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:05:47
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 16:44:37
it is just little things... little things that drive me nuts.
like with our biology drawings.
we had a model in the front of our lab manual, so first lab i used it as a template. and then i lost marks for my drawings because of various things that they wanted us to do that were different from the template / different from the commentary on the template at the start of the manual. e.g., to put the phylum and class on the drawings and not just include genus and species. to put the magnification in a certain place rather than including it in the title.
apparently our drawings are better now... probably because of the grading feedback which told us (incrementally over several labs) what it was that they wanted from us. i am not sure how much there is a standardized 'and this is how it is supposed to be formatted' like there is for APA format... I hope to god the situation isn't that every biology class wants you to do them a bit differently - and that students ability to divine? the template the demonstrators have in mind from the actual class... despite the lab manual... is how grades are determined in labs.
which is better than throwing them down the stairs?
i guess some kids would have been good at getting the demonstrators to tell them what to do in the lab... i guess that is it. giggle and flirt and smile and you might get helpful bits out of them.
i think we got the big rat last week because we got the sh*tt**st fish specimens the week before... and (apparently) because our drawings improved a lot over the course of the semester. my gripe is: my drawings would have been of precisely that quality all along if only the template and instructions in the lab manual were an accurate portrayal of what it was that they f*ck*ng well wanted from us.
this kind of thing... is the kind of thing that drives me nuts... and tech was full of it. in this instance... i could try and say something about how the lab manual doesn't match what seems to be expected of us and how students would probably do better in labs if they updated the lab manual accordingly... and it would result in countless emails going through cycles and cycles of mostly bad reasons why nothing should be done... things like how nobody even reads their lab manual anyway etc etc etc...
the 'real reason' seems to be... so they feel that they taught us something. over the course of the semester... look at how our biology drawings improved! my gripe is that: they were only so bad in the first place because they weren't clear in their expectations of us.
i think that that happens a lot... students don't know what is expected of them. more than half the problem is that the teachers they tend to get are the teachers who either don't know what is expected of them either or teachers who have qualms about it such that they think their job is to make things harder than things need to be or teachers who are so dumb that they don't f*ck*ng well get it.
:(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:22:05
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:05:47
and of course health is full of crap like that, too.
it has just properly occurred to me that the 'health science' pathway will be full of people who want to marry doctors.
while they throw everyone together for lectures, the labs are streamed according to program. they say it is because of timetabling and that there is no difference in the content of the labs.
the issue isn't the content of the labs... the issue is being in labs full of girls who are there because they want to marry a doctor. giggle flirt. oh i can't do this it is far too hard blink blink can you do it for me? cold shoulder to anyone who tries to opt out of that game... it is going to make it next to impossible for me to learn from any of the guys who are half-way competent... i will have to hope i meet some decent girl friends next year... only problem with that is that most girls are close enough to being just out of high school for flying under the radar of the bitch-girls (who have nothing grades-wise to lose) to be something that features very highly up their agenda... and i tend to be... salient... enough for those girls to stay away from me out of fear that they, too, will become a target...
and i tend to get targeted. because i try and learn off the most competent. and that is typically the same target as the girls have. so then they want to do this whole bitch girl competition thing... and i'm supposed to be picking up on things like 'she likes him (so i should stay away from him) but she's only talking to this other guy because she is trying to make him jealous' and all these other things... i mean... that's what labs are all about - right? being the centre of attention and making people jealous and getting people to chase you and keeping track of who is most likely to go on to be a doctor... and it is so f*ck*ng complicated... and what are we supposed to be making again? tee hee!! oh you are so smart can you just do this for me?
and yeah so there is this thing on tonight and maybe i'll feel like going to that...
and they'll grade them by...
?
throwing them down the stairs
?
:(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:32:40
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:22:05
it is because i don't have a herd. and that is what high school is all about... having a herd. so that bitch girls are less likely to target you.
i tend to get targeted because i appear to be likeable enough / strong etc but i don't have a group. i intentionally... well i prefer to sit by myself etc because of the whole sound wave thing (amongst other reasons). i mean... we have evolved beyond the whole huddling in groups around the fire thing, yeah? sometimes development tracks evo history, i guess. 18 is (in a lot of instances)... not quite there yet.
cbt: catastrophizing.
it might well not be that bad. but i am... preparing for the worst case. because it could happen.
i am thinking about how hard to push the separate room thing for next year. or a tutor person to help me (so that i don't need to fight for attention of demonstrators / so i won't be targeted). as prevention... just for the first semester...
i am starting to think it might be wisest to push for that.
because...
how f*ck*ng angry am i going to be if some 18 year old bitch girl who isn't even interested in learning decides to stabotage labs for me - because she thinks it will gain her kudos (or at least a little fear) from other people...
pretty f*ck*ng angry indeed.
the issue is mainly that i really am that fragile when it comes to chemistry lab in particular. because of the goggles... i think i'm used to the lab coats now after biology... depending on the demonstrator, too... get one who has that whole tech mentality of laughing at our doing things wrong even though he hasn't told us how we are supposed to do them right...
on the one hand... seems like i'm too fragile really... far too fragile to even be doing this. on the other hand... the things that are making me fragile will significantly drop off over the years. bitch girls are most problematic in the first semester next year (and possibly obgyn later - but at least then they will be a little bit older than 18... chattering in lectures which makes it hard for me to focus... won't be a problem from 2nd year med on... most things... won't be a problem from 2nd year med on... because they will cull out the people who aren't focused on their study. and because everyone will relax a lot after having gained a place... what makes people mostly obnoxious early on is that fear that one has to stay with the crabs and bitch girls... forever...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:55:46
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:32:40
and the crazy thing about all of this...
is that i wasn't the target of bullying at high school. i was a smoker. i had a HUGE smoking group. and that morphed into a drug group. but there was my group, yeah. and i had a few close friends over the years of high school... once i was in the home i had a good group... the druggie christians for a while there, heh. and then a wonderful group of 5 for my last few years of high school... and we drank a lot.. but they were also into drama and i was like a mascot (supplier) for school productions...
so i was one of the cool-ish kids at high school. in a bad influence kind of way...
but NOW i find myself in the midst of this b*llsh*t. when i'm 36 ffs. ffs. ffs. ffs.
i think... i'm supposed to 'step up'. to... say something bitchy or... something... something... a little snap of the jaws to tell the baby puppies to back the f*ck off / watch themselves. i think that people expect something like this from me... people do... look to me to lead...
the trouble is that in chem labs in particular i'm doing everything i f*ck*ng can to not have an overwhelmed panic attack. i can hear my heart boombing and i can see the people buzzing and i'm trying to focus on all this alien lab equipment and do things carefully so the demonstrator won't be scathing abotu what i'm doing (like putting ice on something that i was happy to leave being strained by water for a while because i was in the middle of doing something else)... and just focusing on the work is the very f*ck*ng limits of what i can do...
then comments... 'she's such a bitch... i, like, asked her what she got for number three and she totally ignored me' and so on... i just... can't reassure the puppies right now.
18 year olds are the hardest. and younger too... testing continually testing. i remember going through that phase.... not knowing how to process things myself and so throwing it at other people in the hope they would process it better for me...
until eventually... i learn how to better externalise (like here) to (mostly) process things myself. aka... i get better at not inflicting myself on others... at not being as overwhelming to them... could i read the 'back off' signals when i was their age? yeah, i think i could. that's how come i felt so depressed... raged at the horribleness of the universe... when need is too needy too greedy exceeds provision...
i think the best health care people i know.. all work part time. i think the later has a lot to do with the former. mental health particularly... but maybe other things too. who knows. i suspect there is something... soothing... about holding instruments in a long operation. peaceful. ideally. beep beep beep beep beep. everything is okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2014, at 16:25:02
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:55:46
I found... These youtube videos of a guy giving a whole semesters worth... possibly even two semesters worth... of organic chemistry. from the textbook we use. at just the right level for me. :-O I watched two and a bit lectures already and... I really do like Organic Chemistry. Which is, uh, really rather lucky, since it is notoriously horrible for some people. I just... I get the logic. And when I get the logic... Just see... It makes me really very happy. Like when the physics tutors get a problem from the 150 students (first year course for majors) and they manage to figure out how to do it... Happy like that.
I do have to revisit little bits from general... The little bits I should have learned, but are still a bit sketchy. Acidity constants... I was just so happy to find 'the same and a little bit more' as I have learned it is supposed to be... But finally... 'the same'. For *me*. Building on *my knowledge*. I actually have a little bit of knowledge. Feeling... Calm and competent. Following along. It makes me feel happy. I'm sort of terrified that he'll take them down or something... Most of the chemists I know are all fort knox-y about things like that... I also feel good about it because I like him... He doesn't piss me off the way some lecturers do... And because the students ask questions... Which help me feel less stupid... Especially when they don't get something that I don't get either... Or sometimes when they don't get something that I do... And he works through heaps of problems... I love the internet.
I think I will have enough to get both the anatomy and physiology and organic textbook when I get my grading pay on Wednesday. that will make me very happy, indeed :) It seems that there is this other embryology textbook that the biology lady uses for a big chunk of that... I might get that book, too... later... when my book money comes through... I never really thought about it but of course embryology is really important... To understand the body in that way / from that perspective. Developmental things... Understanding how things are linked that way... The process of unfolding... Genetic contributors etc etc etc.
I suppose I"m procrastinating because I should be listening to lectures on optics. Which is interesting, actually. But everything is all jumbled up in my mind because there is a lot... concave mirrors and convex mirrors and plane mirrors and lenses... refractions and reflections and calculating angles and magnitudes. I really think I really will do the physics course for summer school. I think... It is possible that... I will find it delightful, really. The same and a little bit more... For me... It will make me happy. And be more manageable. I really do think that this year has been a lot of overwhelm... And me... Learning to work again. I do think that there has been more than a little bit of that... And partly first year courses are designed to be 'fun' and a bit broader etc. Which is, uh, actually harder for me. Harder for my way of thinking. Organic chemistry really does make me happy... I can't wait for my molymod kit to arrive... to be able to build the structures... and now i know what the paddle upgrades are for... resonance structures... learning about regions... soon it will get all military analogy, huh, with blah blah blah about where to attack and move about... i wonder... the military / chess thing... is that because once upon a time guys were organic chemists... or is there something specially fitting about seeing things in that way...
?
i guess i will see...
onto thermodynamics for the next 3 weeks of physics. i'm hoping it will be the same and a little bit more from what i've done on thermodynamics in chemistry. it will still be hard, because i didn't do particularly well / understand very much of the thermodynamics stuff that we did in chemistry... but it will be interesting to revisit those equations now and see what i can do with them this time around... and i think we do stuff on phase changes too... specific heat capacities and the like... and conversions between C and K temperature scales... optics is... ALL new. as was waves. as was electricity. i, uh, don't think i remember a single thing about magnetism except that when you chop up a magnet the poles recurr... all the way down to a single electron... and there is no magnetic monopole... and to say that magnetism and electricity have been united doesn't mean that it is easier now because you only need to know about one to understand about the other... it means that not only do you have all the stuff about magnetism and all the stuff about electricity but you also have all the stuff about how they are related - about how you get magnetic out of moving electric... and of course i spent a lot of that free-associating about the mind-body relationship... and then virtual images in optics... and the eye being a lens... but what's the image for? the little man in the brain looking at the back of the retina??
Sigh.
Just a little more chemistry... Then optics it is... Focus alex.. focus...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:39:26
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2014, at 16:25:02
I think I'm starting to understand about books...
Have been trawling a few forums. Because i was starting to get demotivated. Listening to people talk about next year and years after. I need to remember that sometimes it is worth taking some time out to focus on where I want to be going. It helps me focus back on the present. Also helps prepare me for the future.
I found these youtube vids of this guy teaching organic chem at just the right level from the same textbook. Wow. invaluable. I can't wait for my molymodel kit to arrive. I will certainly work through those over the summer... He does a lot of problems in class, too, and I can pause the video and do them in real time. Drawing conformations etc.
I read quite a lot about textbooks... About how you need to find the ones that work best for you... About how you do that. I have come to the conclusion that the thing is that you outgrow them. You could start with a mega-detailed clinically oriented atlas... But it will probably seem overwhelming. You could start with the budget little atlas you can get for the Anatomy and Physiology textbook. See if you can kick that back in a week or two or three... Then try the next one... I guess ideally... You can go through ALL of them. I guess the same for medical physiology textbooks etc. Start with the 'easy' ones... Work your way up.
It does mean learning to make use of the library... And only buying ones I anticipate I'll get most mileage out of. I know I get a significant chunk of study done before the year starts. Over the summer. When everything is new and when it all seems fun and exciting and I can read for enjoyment at my own pace and focus on whatever I like for however long I like. But I can't teach myself the way that actual classes do. With their deadlines. Forcing yourself to get to class because there is a class. Forcing yourself to learn more than you ever thought you could simply because you have a test or whatever. I'm often surprised at just how different a topic or section seems in lecture compared to the book or the powerpoints, even. Different focuses... Remember different things... More reminders about the woods so I don't get lost in trees...
I have found a forum... I've been there before. Was how I met the chick I met up with for the interview at the other place. It is important for me to foster relationships... To get into good study groups with focused people who help me relax. I felt... Happy about the book discussion etc... People who like reading over the summer as much as me :)
Onto neuro and then muscular now... Done with the evolutionary. Happy for that. Have somehow or other mustered something to study it, though. Am happy I got Campbell's Bio because I will keep it. There are chunks on plants and archea etc that I would like to read one day... Have it as a reference... And some of the cell biology stuff is way cool for me. And at about the right level, yeah. The A&P book for next year... Will outgrow it by the end of next year, yeah. It is a lot like the Marieb one we had at tech... Only... I liked Marieb better, I think. Though Tortora is perhaps prettier for the cell biology. I don't know... Anyway... I expect I'll sell it on... I just... Got looking to textbooks and atlases... Thought maybe I'd invest in an atlas... Then saw that there was an atlas associated with Tortora so... Borrowed it from the library. I wonder how long it will take me to be able to do it?? I guess that is the idea... Cover up the labels (with a ruler or strip of paper) and just freaking well learn them...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:40:30
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:39:26
there is some kind of anatomy prize, aparently... i wonder if i might have a chance if i start now??
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 21:29:36
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2014, at 21:40:30
discharge without conviction.
so it didn't seem to bother my lawyer but the judge (in summarising her summary) pulled out the contractions in her case.
she did appeal to precedent where diminished responsibility was considered relevant to a boy with aspergers... who hit someone unconscious.
and then she appealed to how a conviction would negatively impact on my med school application.
the judge said she didn't know how rare my abilities to teach at uni are (of course they are not rare there are far too many people willing to do that kind of work for free). that conviction wouldn't result in my being declined entry to med school - but that i would need to declare it. as i would need to declare health issues impacting on practice.
diminished responsibility.
incoherent case.
she said... that what i did could be taken to indicate low frustration tolerance. something like that... so i was thinking about that... the letter i got from my current nurse... saying that i didn't seem to have a problem with anger or whatever...
do i have low frustration tolerance? something? i don't know... it is important to me to know how to see this...
i was thinking it was more about power. if i was my own lawyer... i would have dropped the asperger's thing. been clearer about how i had asked to see a doctor on numerous occasions and been turned away... frustration, yes... but not over being told a simple 'no'. anyway... i don't know... i guess i process it with my nurse next time i see her... only... she often says things to be agreeable rather than to be true... i don't know what to say...
i guess i just put this behind me... it just... seems one of those things... like with my jumping... something needed to change... i had done everything within my power to get appropriate help... i simply didn't know what else to do. i couldn't see any other option. what could i have done? anyone? i still don't see... if that makes me... incompetent... then so be it. if someone had have listened to my predicament... what could they have suggested as an alternative way?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 23:50:22
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 21:29:36
i didn't have ANYONE. that is the common thing to both of those. the jumping. the hitting. i didn't have ANYONE who i could talk to. to explain the situation. to get them to help me. i was completely and utterly at the end of my ability to figure out what the hell to do... i didn't have anyone to turn to to ask for help. it was community mental health ffs... if someone else was more appropriate for me to ask... then i needed them to tell me who to ask because i didn't f*ck*ng know.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 0:05:12
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 23:50:22
i think i could have done a better job of defending than my lawyer... but not a better job of the defending of me. because i would have gone off on a tangent... gotten upset... i'm too personally involved in my own case to be appropriately objective. she represented me better than i could have represented myself and i am grateful to her.
but... it was an incoherant appeal on her behalf... i mean... she presented my case in a way that was... incoherant. she is really young. it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she's first year out of law school... that i'm her first case, even. i'm fairly sure she was given my case because my case is a no brainer for a judge... the judge (after going on for a while -- to educate my lawyer mostly, i think, but also to encourage me to think about how the f*ck i have a coherant story with allowing a diminished responsibility due to aspergers defence together with citing application to medical school (disclosure statements on disability / health that impacts and criminal convictions) BOTH as mitigating...
i didn't know she was going to appeal to diminished responsibility to be fair. i thought dx may be mitigating... but tension with that and fitness to practice. signing 'i do not have a health condition that is likely to adversely affect practice' IN GOOD CONSCIENCE. It is a tension i feel... I decided for Otago that my condition isn't likely to adversely affect... Because a condition is the wrong category of thing to affect... Individual responsibility must be decided on a case by case basis not on the basis of dx category the DSM tells us so... I really wasn't expecting my lawyer to appeal to dx so crudely... Especially given teh health letter from my nurse... Which was a lovely letter... To the effect that the dx affects different individuals differently and that she has never felt threatened by me and that I am intelligent and articulate but that... Sometimes I am not the best advocate for myself.
Which was wonderful, really. I mean... I couldn't have written a better letter myself...
I don't know what case load my lawyer has... Afterwards she was all like 'you are the most organised person I've had with getting me the relevant documents that I needed'. I think... She learned... She probably should have spent more time on my case... Since I was organised and motivated...
The case just before mine... A guy... A wonderful lawyer. A bit of a show pony... But she did her job f*ck*ng well. WEnt on and on and on... Very compelling. Trying to talk to the police before hand... To get them to not oppose her reccommendation... The reccommendation negotiated between them all... Then she presented the summary of everything to the judge... Then the judge cites everything back (demonstrating understanding - or not...Depending on how the case was presented to her) and then the verdict is made... Typically... Agreeing with teh consensus. Of course.
It was a 'higher court'. Perhaps not in any official sense... Or perhaps yes. I don't know if there is a hierarchy of courts / judges within the district court. Perhaps they take turns... The judges, I mean. At hearing cases near the start (where peple are being assigned duty lawyers) where people are entering pleas... Right at the end... LIke this was. With room for a jury trial....
I'm a little sad to get kicked out the other end. What now will I do on Thursdays?
I want to find the precedent case... I want to know what happened with that. I feel... Upset that my lawyer mostly focused on that.
The judge mostly focused on: I didn't hurt the victim - only her feelings / pride. That... Insensitivity to that is inconsistent with wanting a career in medicine. I don't have anything special for society.... I can do a bunch of stuff that other people can do to... But I want recognition / respect for some of that. So...
I need to learn to be the 'bigger person' in some sense. Most especially if I want society to give me the power you get as a doc.
Something that has come up a lot in law... Power... I always thought power was a responsibility not a ... Not something you wanted. It was a responsibility. MOre a burden. But then learning about the balance of power etc. Assumption being everyone is after their own interests. I think law is hard for me because it seems more about that... (though perhaps not for judges... i don't know)... but it certainly shouldn't be for docs.
The judges were wise. I think. I have... Greater respect for the courts.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 18:12:45
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 0:05:12
i think i keep surprising the law people with just how little i know about... everything. their focus is so... different.
i've been thinking a lot about socrates. his trial. 'corrupting the young'. he was sentenced to death by hemlock. his friends visited him and said they could escape him out and help him go live someplace else. he thought that that wouldn't be the right thing to do. they tried to persuade him why it was acceptable... he rejected all their reasons. reasons about how he didn't have a fair trial (positivist reasons, i guess). reasons about how what he was doing was alright (appeal to some natural law, i guess). i can't remember all the reasons... he said that those laws protected him and raised him and he was thus bound by them. a positivist, i guess. sometimes the law... simply doesn't track morality.
the ring of gyges... a symbol of unlimited power. why be moral if you could do anything you like - and you were guaranteed to be able to get away with it. most people: you have no reason at all. that surprises me. most people are... psychopaths. huh.
i think law runs together morality and legality because... they don't really have a sense of morality. they are trained to focus on legality and morality just kind of... falls out. there is a sense of a distinction between what the law *is* and what the law *should be*. and i guess some sense that moral considerations (among other considerations) play some role in determining what *should be*. but there is no real sense of morality...
something... kantian. something... intrinsic. like the cogito. to see... to comprehend... a sense of morality as something like that. a reason to be moral even though nobody will know if you aren't. a reason to be moral even though being moral will have no good consequences at all. being moral because... it is the right thing to do. morality... goodness... a world with more morality is a better world - whether we know it or not. something... like grasping the cogito... you just see the validity / rightness / indubitibility...
i do miss philosophy sometimes.
and plato's republic. i was extremely lucky to get to TA for someone who is... just brilliant on plato's republic. and kant. to understand why kant thought the will to suicide was contradictory. to... actually grasp some of that and simply see the rightness. of course to then start to question the source of the feeling of rightness and the veracity of that and so on and so forth... but to at least grasp what it is that we are talking about.
i do miss philosophy someitmes.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 9, 2014, at 19:05:47
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2014, at 18:12:45
I got the 8th edition of mcmurray (org chem) in hardcover. If that doesn't help me love Organic... There isn't any hope for me. The 7th was beautiful... But the 8th has a black cover... And I love black. Really very. I got Tortora the other day... 13th. 14th doesn't seem to be out anywhere yet... But it has a black cover, again. Matt. With a shiny collage of histology for the title. A beautiful book, indeed. I think it is my year. It must be my year. All the black... This is the year for me.
I see why we have Tortora rather than Marieb. More clinical focus. More histology focus. More anatomy photos. And we get a pretty crappy little atlas with it... But it is an atlas. I don't know why the freak they want to start with the head... The most complicated thing... I don't know why they want to start with the most complicated thing... But whatever.. Maybe that's the way to make it feel less complicated later. Maybe if they taught thermodynamics first instead of last...
I am sad that I didn't manage to get the 13th of Campbell's Bio in hardcover... But I suppose it matters least. Campbell's Bio is more of a suppliment...
I found some stuff online. Validating. About books... Textbooks. About how it is common for people to try stuff out with PDF's but that most (university) people will buy the ones they want to spend time with. A bunch of stuff... Validating. About how you learn to spatially navigate your way around the information... Yeah.
They are beautiful books. I think... The most beautiful books I've ever owned. And I love book. I really really really really love books. It certainly isn't the only reason... But one of the reasons why I wanted to do medicine... They get the very best books. The most beautiful. The most clear (revisions really are helpful). Anyway... I could have got an earlier edition... Or a softcover... But who am I kidding... The mental thing really is important. I will love this book... I can't wait for my molymod kit to arrive so I can make everything as it is introduced...
Thermodynamics sucks. I don't get it any mroe than I did last time. I mean... Relaly... I haven't managed to learn anything more of it this time round. Not a single thing. I think... I won't do physics for summer school. I'll... Work my way through the organic chemistry course lectures that I found online.
The going nuts through lack of socialization thing... Not entirely sure what to do about that... I wonder if the philosophers would get upset with me hanging out a lot in their tearoom over summer?? They seem to have removed me from their seminar lists since I stopped going...
Posted by pontormo on October 11, 2014, at 14:44:23
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2014, at 21:29:36
Hi, alex,
I have missed the predicate for this post. What did you to, and what had happened?
what was the outcome of the hearing/judgment/ etc?
pontormo
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 16:58:47
In reply to Re: books, posted by pontormo on October 11, 2014, at 14:44:23
hi.
i went to community mental health because i wanted to speak to a doctor... to find out why they discharged me... to see whether they could refer me to someone who would help me... etc.
this mental health nurse was being all obstructive. saying i couldn't see a doctor (or make an appointment to see a doctor) because i'd been discharged. refusing to let me see one as a street walk in...
i hit her firmly on the shoulder a couple times. thought... there would be some kind of commotion and that a doc would come out to see what the fuss was about and i'd get to see one that way...
but she decided to sound alarms and call police and i got arrested and charged with summary assault. so then i had to go to court and get assigned a duty lawyer etc etc etc. and the upshot is that i got assigned a public defender (really very young) who focused on my dx (asperger's) as mitigating...
... instead of emphasising the more pertinent (though perhaps less sexy) points of how i didn't hurt her at all (except maybe her feelings) and i have no priors and am generally of good character.
anyway... i got discharged without conviction so all is well. the judge had a speel, though, since my lawyer did not, really... i suppose the speel was a bit ambiguous... but i was left with a fairly bad taste about the appeal to dx as mitigating. especially since i had worked myself into a place of not seeing my dx as something that needed to be declared as potentially problematic on medical school application...
though i suppose i have been coming to some sort of peace with disclosure... i really didn't think it was something i needed to declare on that form... but the judge raised that. since my lawyer decided to focus on how convicting me would problematise my application since the form asks for you to declare either 1) health issues that may impact on your ability to practice / train and 2) any convictions with max sentence of 6 months or more.
so...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 18:07:49
In reply to Re: books » pontormo, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 16:58:47
I'm pretty much over this year. I've learned a lot. I needed it. I wouldn't have stood a chance next year without it. But I am pretty much over this year.
It is the books that have done it. I suppose it was bad of me, picking up books for next year just as we are working up to the exam period for this year...
But I did it because my interest in this year had flagged already. I have become fairly complacent about my grades for this semester. I guess... I'll be happy with B's. I never thought I'd ever say that... But in this case... It really is true. Only then I had this little niggly fear that maybe I've lost whatever kick of motivation I need to be able to do well enough next year when B's simply will not do... Getting the books... Beautiful books... Content that is interesting to me... I have this strong desire to internalize ALL the content. Wonderfully clear content. Presented in a logical order. Little nuggets of information. 5 kinds of cellular junction. 4 or 5 bits of info to remember about each. A picture. A narrative. A summary table. Rinse and repeat... And I see that this year is... All over the place. With lecturers who get fussy about things like making their powerpoints available (and there not being simple summaries anyway), making their lecture recordings available (where they woffle all over the place covering a semesters worth of content every lecture) with content that isn't even in our textbook... That has a lot to do with why my motivation is flagging.
Next year will be better. A lot better. Beautifully presented content. Keep coming back to that lecture, I do. 6 steps to chlorine regulation and a bunch of stuff (signs and symptoms) of Cystic fibrosis. I mean... 4 lectures per week. 4 classes per week. 16 lectures content each and every week. Keep it simple. Keep it repetitive (lecture is textbook is powerpoint) Give the students a f*ck*ng chance. To learn ALL the content. To f*ck up a little on synthetic / critical thinking / extension questions. But to learn ALL the f*ck*ng content. A chance.
I guess next year is for the kids who can hook into learning that way. For the kids who stand up and clap once they realise that that is the way it is going to be done. What I'm doing this year is for the... Other kids. Mostly. The kids who haven't figured out what the books is yet... The ones who are still working on bringing a ruler to their labs. Sigh.
I have worked pretty hard this semester on my classes. Animal biology, anyway. And mechanics... Electricity... And I've done the readings (though quickly) and gone to nearly every class for law -- and law is general f*ck*ng ed (aka a load lightener) and I have strong verbal skills... So...
There are loads of chemistry problems in the textbook... And the A&P book... I really am learning to love... More than Marieb... I think... I really do think... That might just be me...
I bloody better get a place in Health Sci. I think they let anyone in... Fairly sure... I remember I got an offer far in advance of Bio-Med last year... End of November, I think... From this year: That's all I need.
Chem lab... And an histology lab for bio... That's all I need... I have another stack of grading (to get the population health book and possibly Rohen's or Netter's Atlas...) I will do my best in the exams... But I'm not going to kill myself trying to figure how many grams of propane you need to cook a 30kg pig with x heat capacity in a perfectly insulated oven at constant pressure... Or over what the f*ck the Sealord case was about... I'm not even going to... Get all upset. Truth be told, even if I put a f*ck load of work in between now and exams I don't believe it would do me any good... The law course is the 'general education' type of course that is simply horrible to me. I'd have done much better in the other case one that most people find 'boring' because it would have had clearer more manageable content. And as for physics... Well... Organic chemistry problems are hard enough for me... But I have a chance at their cumulative nature. Physics... I don't really. Not without catching up on years and years and years and years and years of maths. And I'm just... Not that into it.
I'm better to prepare for next year. Anything I learn now... Frees up time and energy for other things next year...
So.. for once in my life.. Never before at university... I'm going to kick back in lectures between now and the end of the year (only another week or so). And let them entertain me. I think... That's the point of this year for most of the students, anyway. The reason why this year isn't really much in the way of preparation for next year at all... At least I do find them interesting / entertaining, truth be told. Even if the idea of presenting a manageable chunk of content to motivated and intelligent students isn't something that really applies...
The weather is wonderful. I get a nice breeze in my windows... I have a room with a view.. I have beautiful textbooks. I have... From the Organic textbook.. The other one too, just a little bit... Some deja vu feeling... Like how I have this mental image / memory / dream from when I was kid... Being in the back of a car... Someone - mother and her boyfriend of a number of years... Driving in this street... ANd me peering out at the apartments across the road from the University... Imagining that all the university students lived in studios (not that I knew what they were) but in something like what I've got now... Longing... Thinking maybe it would be possible for me one day... Deja vu sometimes I get that feeling that that's where I am now...
I've done a bit of a walk... And I think the actual apartments i've got memories of are these super expensive historic apartments right across from the High court... But anyway... Perhaps i've conveyed the general spirit. Anyway... The organic textbook... I'm getting some kind of deja vu feeling from that too now... Something about... Weighty tomes... Being lost in weighty tomes.. What university meant to me from when I was little (I have wanted to go ever since I could remember). I'm getting some feeling of... Living my dream. Like things are meant to be. Like I'm growing into something that was meant to be.
Anyway... I guess.. I'm happy. That's pretty good, huh. I better get a place in health sci next year... It would be f*ck*ng... Awful if I dind't. I simply can't get a good grade in bio-physics... No matter what... I'm going to be one of those kids who painfully extracts a pass from others telling me exactly what to do... If I don't get into med year 2 then I'll simply have to do it... But I can't do it next year... Not the same semester as A&P. oh please god.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 20:56:10
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 18:07:49
and so... this summer is going to be filled with chemistry problems, the way that last summer was filled with maths. i think i'm better to work out of the textbook / from the lectures online / from past years exams than spending a great deal of time with the website... because you should prepare for the exams. and the exams are paper based. so there it is.
it is odd for me, working through problems. odd to think that you learn from working problems. i am more used to thinking that you learn from regurgitating the key words (sort of) from out of the text. i have to get used to drawing pictures, too. for biology. draw a squamous epithelial cell and label its main features. i need to be able to do stuff like that. diagram the 6 steps in chlorine regulation.
i feel happy with a nice little chunk of content. i get a lot of satisfaction from internalising it. from being able to recall it. and then once it is all nice and... well put... some questions that get you thinking more creatively about the content. i get a lot of satisfaction from that.
anyway... life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2014, at 16:58:24
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 20:56:10
i went back to physics today. i realised that a lot of my angst about the lecturer for it... and the lecturer for the same part of chemistry last semester... is coming from my really struggling with the content. i have come to this realisation because the chemistry guy in the online stuff makes a bunch of mistakes, too. and, because i have a better grip on the content, they don't bother me so much. they don't bother me at all, really. they actually help me a little because i think 'yes, everybody needs to be careful - heads up!'.
i'm not sure what to do. we did the ideal gas laws today. so... converting from c to k. getting moles out of grams of whatever. rearranging the gas equation... is all expected now. and of course it is far too much far too fast for me to get my head around. little bits were cool, though. i didn't know an inverse relationship was parabola shaped... i didn't realise that a parabola didn't ever touch the sides... it was cool looking at the graph... i noticed most people in class looked... destroyed. and only about 1/4 were there...
partly it is time of year. partly it is a lot of content far too quickly. partly it is... i don't know.
i have come to realise that the whole online learning thing really is much better for me. i don't see how it can't be much better for everyone. you can pause things for where you need to have a think / memorise something before moving forward. you can take however long you need to do the problems along the way. you don't have to get bored waiting for other people to do them. you don't have the pressure of needing to hurry up and still not being able to work fast enough... it is perfect, really.
lectures are motivating in a way, too. i mean... i have been doing the problems in the back of the textbook... but doing them from the recorded lectures there is a sense of other people doing them with me. more motivating somehow. i think the biggest thing is listening to someone who knows how to do it... slowing down and thinking through their reasoning as they solve it. learning how to think like they do. then eventually... being able to say what they say at the same time they say it as they work through the problems... carbon attached to FOUR DIFFERENT THINGS. with just the right emphasis. it really does help. you get a problem and it seems overwhelming and then you do... what the lecturer would do. and you get it done.
anyway... even if i put a bunch of time into physics i don't think it would help me. i put a lot of time into chemistry last semester... thermodynamics. ph stuff. then the ph stuff wasn't tested, really... but i put a lot of time into thermodynamics and the gas stuff and i didn't get any marks for any of it. so... i feel.... truly overwhelmed. like there simply isn't any point at working on it at all because no good will come of it. demoralised... well and truly. i'm not entirely sure what is to be done...
i suppose the logical thing... is for me to work hard on mechanics and waves... electricity. make sure i can do that stuff pretty well... hope that that will be enough to scrape me a pass... some kind of B would make me... happy. i'd be happy for a B for physics. at this stage... i simply can't do... much of any of it.
organic makes me feel happy... i have a really good feeling about organic... only because i'm going to get through much of the content over the summer. i wouldn't have a hope otherwise. but: to be fair: i need to think that i'll be in a class with kids who have done 3 years of chemistry. a bunch of them will have done scholarship chemistry, and cambridge curriculum. apparently little bits are new to everyone... spectroscopy... but i most certainly don't have the background that they do... it has taken me a couple days of work to work through chapter 1 of the text... meant to be revision... but it depends on how tricky the questions are, really... i think things are ticking along... it is funny, though how he has a lot of 'this should be revision from general chemistry' before he puts up a bunch of problems that nobody in his class seems to be able to do... far too much too fast for real time. unless... you know most of it already. i didn't realise just how cumulative science was...
so... i don't think it is cheating at all for me to put in time over the summer. some kids put in a lot of time during their school years... i slacked off, mostly. so i'm paying my dues now. can think of it that way. i can do it faster than they (maybe get a couple years done in a couple months) because i don't have all the other b*llsh*t they had to put up with. pesky siblings, puberty, pressure to be cool, other people working at different paces etc etc etc. and of course mostly because i can focus more on stuff that is directly relevant... i don't need to worry about learning my table of elements by heart (for example) and it is just that kind of crap that stupid high school teachers like to make the kids do (which is of course a huge part of why i couldn't tolerate science at high school)...
i do wish i was better at physics... but i don't suppose one can be good at everything. sniff. i'm not particularly good at weightlifting, either. there is a bunch of sh*t that i can't do... i wish i was better at physics. really. but, really, it is too hard for me. with the math... i need it to go so very very very (very very) much slower than it does... and it simply won't. and so... there it is.
i should have discovered the lectures for it faster. the recorded ones. worked through them at my own pace. ideally... i'd only be doing the one class... and i could spend the 2 or 3 hours listening to the 50 minute lecture... working through the examples as best i could on my own and then with the lecturer commentary and then again on my own... with the commentary... on my own... until i could freaking well do them. but i didn't... too much in the way of other classes... so...
i really do need to go into next year knowing most of it. otherwise... i don't really have a chance.
Posted by Angela2 on October 13, 2014, at 18:00:46
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2014, at 16:58:24
Hey Alex, I think it's good that you're studying up on it (chemistry?) now. and physics too. Definitely not cheating, definitely, smart.
I'm not terrible at math, but I haven't taken a math class in a really long time. Like in 10 years. I took statistics in college. First semester was a summer semester and I got an A. Second semester, I think Fall, was statistics of psychology, and I got a D. It made me wonder if summer courses are just easier than Fall. Or maybe I was just really on my game in the summer, since I only was taking 2 classes. Hmm...
I think physics is SO interesting. But then, I might epically fail an actual physics class. I don't know.
At any rate, I'm glad you're doing well.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 18:56:35
In reply to Re: books, posted by Angela2 on October 13, 2014, at 18:00:46
I don't think summer classes are any easier. That was a funny way around. I think typically people find that they do worse in stats than they do in stats for psychology. maybe you just got sick of stats! An A is pretty great going for math, though, in my opinion. I'd be freaking happy if I could simply pass!
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 20:10:42
In reply to Re: books » Angela2, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 18:56:35
Got a batch of grading this morning. Not too bad. Only 30 of them. Went for a walk... Through the domain... It is a big park, really. There is a cafe in the middle. I sat down there for an hour or so and marked about 4 of them. It was really pleasant. I just... Needed to get out. To get off campus. I remembered... The places that I'd been to with my keyworker... Different cafes around one of the nice Suburbs on one side... I remembered the music... And how the atmosphere seemed pleasant. More... Sophisticated. No sound of squeely teenage girls.
I am used to thinking that campus is my refuge. And I guess it used to be. In Australia. The Research part of campus. Because the campus was fairly split with the research schools in one part and the undergraduate part of campus up the other end... And around the research schools... Was always pretty. And quiet. And pleasant. And there were cafes and stuff... And you could go and work in them... And quite a lot of people did that.
Partly it is about... The flow of people, or something. The places you have to go... The paths you find to take... Where you end up spending most of your time. I have suspected for a while now that I'm currently in the noisiest parts... Because the classes I'm doing are more... Uh... Remedial. And the natural walkways between them and so on... Anyway... It was wonderfully peaceful around the domain. And I realise that I need to get away from campus more. Make the trek to the suburb. It is just up the hill... Or really not far on the bus... Work in some of those cafes... Be around... Calmer people.
One of the chemistry guys took me along to an Organic lab yesterday. In part I feel bad... Like it is unfair that I got that. He took 15 minutes to explain the lab and then went with me to it... And stood next to me... So I got to observe for about an hour. He said that they could put me on the end of a row... But that anything more than that was really very hard. There were 5 pods but only 4 had students in them. The last one was about half empty. The students were really focused and all seemed to know what they were doing. I guess I felt.. Intimidated. Chemistry labs are hard for me because of the numbers involved in reading the equipment. And then after a couple hours needing to do calculations in a bustly environment.
At the end we walked back through and the middle pods were... Crowded, yeah. With people who really didn't look like they knew what they were doing. Panicked eyes.
I don't really understand how that last pod got the focused people. Pod assignments are meant to be random... But maybe they do take some people out? Or maybe it was just luck or something. The way things turned out. It will make a considerable difference to me to be on the end of a row, though. Whether it is in the last pod or whatever... I would prefer a corner if possible... I need to not feel... Surrounded by squeely and yippy people on all sides...
One of the demonstrators was saying that around 1 in 4 don't seem to have opened their lab manual before class... So I got told to mark mine up with highlighters. So the tutors can tell at a glance that I have put in the work, I suppose. Apparently quite a few can't do a 'simple titration' even by the end of their second year. It puzzles me that they don't think that maybe they aren't teaching them right if they haven't learned how to do that in 2 years... They really do seem to think that either you know before you start with them or there is no hope for you. I wish they could list all the skills they are going to assume that I have already (that they aren't going to teach me) so I could make sure I learn them. Youtube... I said about maybe getting glassware since they can't give me any practice with it... Since they said kids are sick of that from school because teh teachers do it all the time because it is cheap... I think youtube is the way to go. watch that... All the people showing you how... Get a sense of the way things should be done from that. Just like dissection... Apparently they won't show us how because some kids already know and they will be bored. I don't understand why they can't have options for kids who won't be bored. Or options for kids who don't expect to be entertained. I mean... Those bored kids.. Can they do it perfect, then? 100%? I'm not saying to make everyone suffer through... Just to offer a class for people who think they could stand to learn something...
Anyway... Whatever... I give up. You need something to reward the kids / parents who paid a fortune for their kids private school education, I guess. The schools who had enough money to purchase equipment like Ph meters and element plates that have a magnet that stirs solutions and so on and so forth... The schools that have teachers good enough to offer lunch time science classes or whatever so the kids could spend plenty of time with the equipment. Learning how to use it all properly. So then when they get to uni they can simply use the equipment to do what they are supposed to do. Instead of not knowing how they are supposed to do anything... Because the lab is designed to not bore the rich kids / parents instead of teaching the kids who don't know. But it is what it is. I can't save the world. I need to just worry about me, for now.
I need to spend less time with mother. I had a conversation that was... HOrrible, really. Triggering. Yeah. I talked to her last week and that was okay. Then she made me promise to phone her this week at a certain day for her birthday... Which I didn't really want to do, but then thought that it seemed important to her so whatever... Anyway... When I got her she was exhausted really from everything. Super excited. Her friend... Old... Was in hospital for a while and now just transitioned into a home. So mother was spending nearly every morning with her while she was at the hospital. She's like that, you see. When people are sick and can't get away then she's absolutely bloody stoked. Because they can't get away, you see. And she can be all... virtuous feeling. so she's on and on and on (wonder where i get that from) about how she was feeding her because otherwise she wouldn't eat (gosh damn i remember that) and so on... and it makes me feel... dirty and horrid, actually. i hope her friend is enjoying it... she might be, i suppose.
and now she's still super excited because she gets to spend her mornings at the home. which is full of people. and so she's full of stories about these people and so on and so on and so on. and of course she's bored and lonely and it gives her something to do with her day. which is great. but she's full of this sense of... virtue. righteousness. that she's doing these things... that other people should be all thinking that she's so very noble etc for going and spending all this time with her... but she's not doing it for her friend, really, she's doing it for herself. because she's bored and lonely and getting a kick out of it. she said something about how she was telling the nurse that she hoped that the other people there didn't mind how mother was so chatty to them all etc etc etc... that the nurse should tell her if they just wanted to be left alone... and i was like 'can't you tell? can't you tell from people whether they seem to be enjoying chatting with you or whether they seem to want you to leave them be?' and i realised...
she can tell. and when she gets that sense that you want her to leave you be -- she really homes in. especially if there is something that she's doing in particular that is upsetting you... she'll sort of grab that and magnify it. and then be all fascinated with what you are going to do with that / how you are going ot react...
and the point of getting a nurse to tell her is that then she hopes to have a conversation with the nurse about how she's virtuous and righteous and friendly and so on and so forth and the other person is a grumpy meanie and so on. even though she knows the nurses are run off their feet... she was saying about how her friend was doing something in a toilet or shower or whatever and she was helping and then she needed help so she sounded the alarm and then the nurse didn't come... she didn't come... and i was like 'are they busy - or are they loafing about in a nurses station?' and she was like 'they are really busy'. and i'm thinking to myself... and there you go... making more work for them... oh but mother is 'helping'. of course she is.
and she is f*ck*ng exhausting. and i can't deal with it. especially since she's what i had when i was growing up... she's the model i had in teaching me how to cope with my own sh*t...
i have my hands full with dealing with hightened physiological arousal myslef. tendencies that ... repulse and disgust me. that i loathe... that... magnify with certain kinds of stressors. chemistry labs worry me... those good kids... i want to be able to calmly fit in there.. and i'm not sure that i'm capable. right off the bat. think i'll freak a bit... become horrid lab partner for one of them. do i deserve a lab partner who knows what they are doing? i'm not entirely sure that is so...
i don't know what i'm saying. but i do know i want to focus on wanting to be better... and i can't cope shoved in the middle of a herd... i am afraid that i'm just like her. but i do think that somehow or other i've got better insight into and can perhaps gain better control over some of this sh*t... i also think that i am different, somehow. that while i might have some tendencies to be like her... i am different, somehow. my emotions... have turned out not to be anywhere near as bad for me to deal with and her emotions were. getting her emotions out of me.. that was a huge f*ck*ng issue to start with... and talking to her.. she doens't have basic ideas of how things like the weather or food or whatever affects mood etc... she's determined it is 'because god wills it so' (she went through a phase of that for a number of years) or... her anxiety... she talks about it like it is an external demon that afflicts her that she has no control over...
i will refocus on my exams... and get this grading done. i will.. physics... it is 'simple physics'. not simple for me, clearly, but simple. it is stuff that will recur. it is worth learning it as best i can. especially if i'm not planning on doing any more of it. i will need to work hard on my moles to mass etc over summer... because that kind of stuff will be required for organic labs. in a noisy environment, too...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 2:34:21
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 20:10:42
It was a real rabbit warren... This... I guess what I thought was another building. Through heavy double doors... Past a bunch of lockers at what sort of looked like a dead end in the passage way. Twists and turns. Some screens... Seats and benches behind them for quiet study... Glass doors that look like they are part of a lab leading into lockers... With a group study room off to one side. Then through some doors... Past the second year labs... Then the first year ones (with the rowdy rabble) right at the end. As far away from everything else as possible.
I think the place might be quite well designed, really. A few prominant swipe card only access... So that curious people are put off trying doors. Chemistry gets the perk of being able to put chemical hazard signs up around the place... I imagine other places are similarly rabbit warren like that. But unless you have a class scheduled in a 2nd year room you wouldn't discover all the paths and alleyways and so on... You simply wouldn't think to go certain places. I mean, even getting to the physics help room... You go into a lab then around the corner into a place that gets you wondering whether you really are supposed to be in there...
And that's the way things have to be. I understand that. Just one more year of it... And I guess... I know where some of those chemistry spaces are now... I might be able to get some quiet(ish) study done around there...
The lab... I feel kinda bad... He gave me the prelab blurb that they get... When chemistry is usually really very closed about their manuals. You have to hand over your ID and they check you are enrolled before you are allowed to purchase... He said that I could observe that lab because it wasn't being assessed... Only of course it was assessed. I only saw half of it... And I wasn't really following along, truth be told. And I can't understand it... And I most certainly can't actually do it without the actual solutions... But I feel bad about having it. I wonder... Should I offer to give it back?
Perhaps... Perhaps it doesn't matter. The 'unfair advantage' thing, I mean. Some kids got years of playing with expensive lab equipment at their expensive High School. Who has the most advantage, you think? Wanna swap mothers, anyone???
Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 17:31:25
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 2:34:21
so...
the physics class is 'basic concepts in physics'. they do keep on about how physics isn't just about your ability to plug the values into the equation and do the calculations... but that is because i think they are concerned that they have some lazy maths students who are hoping to breeze through from their mathematical competence.
it makes them inclined to try and put tricky little tricks in there to trip them up. which means... the maths is totally out of my league. i mean... there is no way.
one of the lecturers... said that they weren't trying to trip us up... they were trying to reward tiny little glimmers of physics understanding... and there are a bunch of conceptual questions. e.g., 'what is the physical principle behind fibre optic cable' (total internal reflection) and so on... there are a bunch of conceptual questions like that...
i'm sitting on 22.86/30 percent thus far. test worth 10% on the latter stuff that i'm least good at... and then exam worth 60%. i think the thing to do... might be to forget about the equations... and instead... try and understand the concepts. so i can get the concept questions. and... to draw pictures. models. so... when i can't get the calculation out... because i didn't know algebra let you do that rearrangement... or because i didn't understand the rearrangements enough to see that equation chain would let me get out the value i needed... then maybe i can get 1/2 a mark or maybe even 1 mark (out of 2 or 3 marks) for... drawing a picture that shows i know something about the situation...
drawing the reflections... or the harmonics... or whatever... i don't know... i guess it can't hurt. even if the stuff isn't entirely relevant (i'll make it as relevant as i can)... it will make it more likely that they will try and scrape me up a pass at least... than if i don't have anything at all on the page. i mean... you can't give people marks for nothing...
it makes it feel more manageable, anyway. to focus on the textbooks... the concepts. the story. there is plenty i need to learn... and it is relevant... to the eye... and so on. metabolism... motivation... working up to it.
i have never felt so stupid.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2014, at 22:05:49
In reply to Re: the solution, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 17:31:25
Feeling glum today... The weather has taken a turn...
The Truman Show is on TV tonight... I feel like I'm living in something like that, sometimes. Not that I'm TV entertainment for others... But that there might be some government people somewhere who are structuring things in my life in certain ways... At times I'm well aware that it is some kind of feeling of significance that is borderline delusional. Coincidences that... Simply have to be.
Followed a year through OY1 from this forum... It is... Nicer... To read about people whose grades are a bit lower... There was some stuff on strategy for parts of the UMAT... How you do the object completions that simply made no sense to me before. And some helpful stuff on how everyone seems to hate chemistry labs... How certain parts of certain courses are harder than others... And something of an outline of Chemistry... We do stuff on rates that isn't in the textbook. We did stuff on rates at the start of this year.. God dammit... I hated the stuff on rates. Sigh. I will need to revise that / actually figure out how to do it... And I've been revisiting the Ka to PKa conversion with the negative log scale and so on... That stuff will recur for sure. And it is pretty much expected to be revision for the kids who have done it already... And it will simply swamp those who haven't... The more I get done over the summer the better the grades I'm likely to earn, for sure.
Still... Ill motivated for my courses at the moment... I think it is because I don't see much in the way of correspondance between time / effort spent and actual payoff. Because... The lecturers present things more circuitously... Questions that... Aren't fair, really. And for law... It isn't about ideas... The ideas that I've been focusing on... Rather... It is pithy summaries of the ideas - most of which I simply can't countenance... Together with strings of facts about names and dates. It is mostly about applying the later to some kind of coherant story... Not about... Digging out the truth. If that makes sense... I just... Can't.
The Anatomy and Physiology textbook I've got... It really is growing on me a great deal. A lot of clinical content stuff... The only gripe I have with it is that the text description isn't well arranged with the in text figures / diagrams. I can't read the text and follow through the picture at the same time, you have to flip the pages about... I guess that is the advantage to having an anatomy book on the one hand and an atlas on the other... I guess it will help that they will give us diagrams again in our lab manual... It has becoming clear to me that the text goes into a lot more detail than I need to know (but that a few marks are devoted to rewarding people who have read it) and so... Read it for fun, I will. That is, uh, what it seems to be there for. The second semester the only course that matters is A&P (only need to retain a B+ average overall - which can be done with minimal work, really) and so those A+'s are... Hard earned. Very competitive. The exams are beautiful. It feels like... Learning medicine properly. Everyone says it is really well organised and presented and interesting... Looking forward to it a great deal.
Been looking at exams... Parts of chemistry are making me happy :) Even the stuff on rates... Looks really rather a lot like the questions from last semester... Population health... Seems to be (in part) a bit of a test of language comprehension... English language competence... Knowledge of the NZ health system... Questions that rely on your getting the difference between 'means tested income' and 'means tested benefit'... Harder for those who struggle more with the language, for sure. Those who don't know anything about benefits (ie harder for those who have lived sheltered lives, perhaps)... Stats / critical reasoning sort of thing... I think it will be fun, really.
I sort of feel bad for not being more focused on this year... But... On the other hand... It is important to focus, sometimes. I shouldn't have done law, really... But I did it for fun, I suppose. Biosci... My lab grades consistently improved over the course of the semester. And (I've managed to learn) the first is never actually assessed (though they don't tell you that)... So the first lab... To do with setting up the microscope and getting your magnifications etc... Is all a trial run. And you get feedback on what you have done for your next one (that really is assessed). I really enjoyed the dissections. I... Enjoyed labs a lot, really. Stimulating... Yeah. Needed down time... Yeah. But I really enjoyed them. Medsci... Multi choice quiz based on your prelab mostly. The dissections... Not assessed. It is just chemistry labs... And everyone hates them... And the average mark for them (including all those kids who didn't open their lab manual before class) is 13/17. And so... The thing to do is to NOT let them consume too much time beforehand... Suck it up... Copy / follow along. Amongst all the panicked eyes... (not enough demonstrators for the students is what it amounts to, I think)... Just get through them. Aim to be... Average. Average will do.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 4:44:21
In reply to Re: the solution, posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2014, at 22:05:49
I think i'm becoming a real science student... I spent most of the day printing off past year exams. Cutting them up into sections. Collating questions by topic so I've got something of a test bank of questions by topic.
Patterns do emerge. Of the 'diagram x for even years and diagram y for odd years' variety. Or the same content, really... But with every 2nd key word ommitted even years and every 3rd on odd years or whatever... Patterns like that.
You wouldn't want to count on it... But it helps you focus your study (On ALL that content) for sure. To be able to draw those things. To be able to label them up. To be able to fill in the key words on descriptions of them.
Anatomy and Physiology turns out to be a hell of a lot less anatomy and a hell of a lot more physiology than I had supposed. And physiology turns out to be... Graphs. Graphs and equations. Damn. Lots on the heart. Lots on the lungs. Lots on penises. I guess they try and do reproductive systems early while the kids are still obsessed... I see why everyone goes on about it being an interesting class. Sigh.
Chemistry... I have a better sense of parts to the exam. So... Topics for the course, in other words. But later and earlier stuff mashed about a bit... Across the different sections. Stuff on rates. Oh. It was nice of them to have introduced stuff on rates last semester... Even though I didn't follow a lot of it. I can go back over that stuff... Rates isn't in the textbook so I'll need to do something. And there are some other calculations I need to go back to and figure, as well...
I feel a bit like it is cheating... Only... There is a test bank at the library and the tests are available to enrolled students. They do tell us that we should use them to study... We have to log in to view them and they tell us that they are for us to use to study... That we are not to pass them on or whatever. So... It is legit.
I guess the real use of it comes from... Having them now. Instead of having them later... Too late to make good use of them.
It isn't complete... One of them only had 2 up there... The rest are restricted. And the exam is only content from 2nd half -- so don't know what we get for 1st half...
Anyway... I do feel like every opportunity is there for me... I really hope I don't mess this up...
New interview structure... Mini ones... Because they are cheaper than panels so they've introduced them for nursing and optometry and everything... And so the people who interview you... Haven't read your blurble. Don't know your grades. There isn't any continuity or getting to know you between questions... So... I'm less likely to f*ck up by being honest. LIke what happened with the last. Where... Even though they said I interviewed well I didn't get waitlisted. In other words... They decided from my interview that I was a definate no. And really... It doesn't get to be a worse interview than that...
Is one way of seeing it.
ANyway... I hope I don't fail physics. I am kinda scared about that. I think... I think they really won't like to fail students... Sigh. Sigh. I just want these classes to be over with already...
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