![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 43 to 67 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 29, 2013, at 23:31:19
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2013, at 23:10:47
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:06
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2013, at 23:10:47
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:34
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:06
ty
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 4:40:49
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:34
[McWilliams, Nancy, (2006)'Some thoughts about schizoid dynamics' Psychoanalytic Review. 93:1 p.1-24.]
:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 4:40:49
Oops about the link. This seems to be the best I can do:
McWilliams, Nancy, (2006)'Some thoughts about schizoid dynamics' Psychoanalytic Review. 93:1 p.1-24.
(If you could remove the other link / replace it with the above reference I'd be grateful)
So... Perhaps that is where the introverts went. Perhaps the 'gifted' people, too (thinking of that in line with Dabrowski's over excitabilities).
McWilliams reads like... Someone on the outside looking in. Doing a good job of it for someone on the outside looking in. But someone on the outside looking in, regardless. Mostly because... There are things you wouldn't think to remark upon or notice or say unless you were on the outside. What is remarkable of cringing away from a noisy, crowded situation? One where you can't hear yourself think? It is only when you realize that certain other people are attracted...
My living situation is a bit better now with the new person having moved in. The leader. Part of it is about validation of certain things being odd or weird or annoying... Like with the dishwashing detergent. And she just sort of claps her hands together and sorts it out. No fuss. Like... The way it is supposed to be done. By someone whose job it is. And there we go. And partly it is about... Her not being a dumb-*ss. The people I am living with are lovely... But they are not the smartest. The 19 year old is going on 13 and, well... The others aren't much further ahead in intellectual or emotional years (I'm not sure why people get it into their heads that if they are dumb and can't tolerate being alone it means they have admirable social skills)... It just means... I can't even have a light hearted conversation and have people follow along half the time... But things are a bit better now... Validating in some way. And she is big and loud and salient... But she has that centered calmness which makes the loud okay. Unobtrusive. And there it is.
I'm going to go in a bit... Get my sh*t together... Collect myself up and go to the gym... I'm going to squat 1x5@20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 5x5@42.5. And I'm going to mess around with my handstand / back bridge / animal walks. Then I'm going to come home... Have a nice hot shower... Make coffee... And spend 50 minutes on my thesis. 10 minute break for more coffee... And then another 50 minutes. And then I'll see how I feel... The point being... I'm going to get out of bed today. And I'm going to get a chunk of work.
I'm very close to sending off more stuff... I think that is why I've collapsed rather. Because I KNOW 'It isn't finished yet. What is the point of all this stuff you have said? What is your argument for that point?' Why do I feel like I'm worthless if it isn't all done even before I start? Wasting peoples time... It isn't supposed to freeze me. Just make me appropriately respectful of it. But I don't quite understand to get them work of the appropriate standard at the appropriate time. I... Don't trust myself. Which makes me... Untrustworthy. :-( I suck. And people have told him to be careful with me - and he IS being. I mean, really, he really really is. So now it is all my insecurites and messed upness in my head. I know that. But it doesn't help me out sometimes.
That article helped. And... Sometimes... I guess sometimes what I need is to know that I really really can just stay there curled up... And the nurses aren't all like 'there she goes manipulating people again' or whatever... And so when I get up to go to the bathroom people are like 'see, she's okay' or whatever. Sometimes I just need the space to collapse. And then I don't need to be collapsed. It is that awful stuck feeling you get of holding on just a little bit because you can't properly collapse... That draws teh whole f*ck*ng thing out. Perhaps. I think. ANyway... Work today... Work today... I'll send stuff soon and then this will lift... And then ti will be time for round 3...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 17:40:19
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
on the one hand 'it is always something'. i hear that, loud and clear. 'it is always something with you'. 'if it isn't one thing it is another'. i don't suppose it is any voice i've internalised from the outside. just like how my 'good' voice isn't any particular voice i've internalised. it is more a curious blend of different aspects that i've simply picked up over the years. i get this other voice too. no i don't think cbt will help. but thanks for asking.
so yesterday afternoon sometime a girl rocked up. and so they have put her in the room next to me because that is the only room they have left now. only it is not just her. there are two girls in there. and they are trying to be quiet. i can hear them trying to be quiet. i can hear them say things like 'hey lets be quiet' and stuff. and they are talking quietly. incessantly. they don't stop.
half past twelve i moved into the lounge to get sleep. moved back around six as people started to wake up and being noisy... then they started up again around eight. noise noise constant stream of noise. i can't hear myself think. all i do is hear their innane prattle about whatever the f*ck they are talking about... massive thought interrupting device.
so i'm sleep deprived... and i'm feeling angry. and i'm feeling violated and invaded. and who knows whether they have moved in permanently or what. and i start fantisising about getting a gun and shooting them because i think that is what it would take to make them stop (I would never - but i do feel extremely angry).
and hyper... from lack of sleep. my mind is going nine hundred billion miles an hour and anyone talking makes me really really really f*ck*ng mad. i walked into the park before. and there are people. mostly in pairs. chatting and talking. and i manage to get myself positioned into the quietest place there is... then along come some really f*ck*ng noisy people and they scan around for where to put themselves.... and they put themselves right next to me. who has work spread out all around who is obviously TRYING TO THINK. they put themselves their noisy f*ck*ng selves right up as close to me... when there is the whole f*ck*ng park. of course they do. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS????? and if i say something... like 'oh hey, if you want to listen to music how about you get some headphones' to the person listening (quietly!) to music on their phone... or 'i'm sorry is my working getting in the way of your talking' to people who come righ tup next to me (of course they do!) in the library... people look at me and... smirk. like they are teasing me or something. like they are funny.
and i start thinking about peeling off part of their skin one day at a time with a potato peeler or something... something... so they understood how i really felt about tehir presence.
what the f*ck is wrong with me?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 23:24:24
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 17:40:19
On the good side it motivated me to check out a particular street that basically seems full of student accommodation tower blocks. For both of the universities and then ones that are privately owned. All have reception so I could just go in and ask to take a look...
There was one particular building that the accommodation advisor was trying to encourage me to check out. I think because if I sign a 12 month lease I can (only just) afford a studio room. Otherwise... It is shared apartment kind of a set-up with communal bathroom / kitchen between 2 or 4 or 6 or... In some instances a whole floor of like 12 or something...
The building managers seemed keen to show me nicer options, at any rate. Bigger rooms with less people. And the rates were cheaper than they were advertising online. I guess they are trying to make a buck from short-term international students where possible...
Anyway... I applied for a studio apartment room that I was told would be available from mid-November. Because the accommodation adviser lady was suggesting it - she seemed to think I might (perhaps) even prefer it to university accom since I can't afford a studio room in university accom. Apparently we hear back about university accom mid-october... So hopefully I can figure it out... Since I'll need to sign a 12 month contract to get the studio room at the rate that is affordable...
There were lots of rooms that are about as cheap as what I've got now. Smaller, yes. But... I didn't see anybody hanging about the place. Seemed empty during the day. I guess because people are actually in class or whatever... The problem with where I'm living is that people just hang about at home all the time... Making their f*ck*ng noises...
I suppose they might get noisy in the evenings...
I... Can always go back and check, I suppose. I wonder if we are close enough to campus to pick up their wireless...
Would you believe I am in the public library and this guy has been going around for the last 5 minutes ringing this f*ck*ng loud obnoxious bell because... They are going to be closing in 15 minutes. Am I really the only person who thinks that there is something wrong with this and there must be a better way? Why doesn't it seem to bother anybody else?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:45:55
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 23:24:24
I found this youtube clip of stephen j gould. the interviewer asked him how he managed to be so productive. i mean, the guy churned out an article every month and a book (as a compiled collection of articles) every year or so over years...
he said his secret was that you had to do it for yourself. that you couldn't do it for the fame. because if you did it for the fame then there would be a certain point where you would realize that you were famous and then you would stop. that you had to do it for yourself.
i think i have a pretty good grip on internal motivation. when it comes to seeking out information. reading. researching. when it comes to things like squats. i am having trouble getting it for my writing, though. mostly... i feel like coughing up writing is a chore. it isn't done for me. it is done to satisfy funding bodies etc. i... don't see how it is something that helps me.
so... what am i missing?
if i could get this... it would solve everything...
there is something else, too... i have been reading... and finding all kinds of things... and i've been thinking about this difference between 'pop stuff' (i guess it is stuff that i'd be a little... embarrassed?... to reference) and 'proper serious academic stuff' (done by certain people and / or people of certain positions and / or certain publishers)... and... what is the difference?
i think part of the difference is meant to be 'scholarly' vs 'sloppy'. what is that difference? i guess more scholarly stuff summarizes a lot... like how i'm just learning about the considerable value of a really well done literature review. how it manages to usefully chunk a whole heap of stuff... how it does a lot of work for you... saves you a whole bunch of time... scholarly books cover a lot of ground in that way... summarizing whole fields... and in some instances the progression of a certain line of research spanning multiple fields... that is just work. it takes work to read and to understand what is often complicated and to summarize accurately at the appropriate level of detail.
what is in doing that for me?
i guess it is in all the stuff you leave out... the whole process of doing that... you learn... heaps. heaps. much more than if you just read the stuff faster and didn't properly comprehension check. maybe that is what writing does. keeps you more honest. note to self: if you REALLY want to understand / know... this is the way.
part of the difference... i'm starting to see... is in the use of analogy. it is relatively easy to make cursory analogies. or to make sweeping ones. it is something else entirely to slow things up. each point of similarity - instead of noting a similarity and moving on really examining it. similar exactly how - dissimilar exactly how? i guess... coming closer to understanding the thing on its own terms rather than trying to extend / apply a different category to it. e.g., i found this book on autism and it was saying that the issue was one of bandwidth limitations like a slow internet connection for social skills. in one way... it is an illuminating metaphor. it got a wonderful smile out of me. it conjured up all kinds of images. and then the analogy got extended in all kinds of interesting and clever ways... but... uh... while it was delightful to read... uh... i'm not sure i was really coming to learn about autism.
i found this other book that was trying to integrate evolution, development, cultural change, and something else i forget... with 7 principles... ditto. creating and nourishing the brain somehow... but,uh, how much was actually learned about any of those fields? i'm not entirely convinced...
the dry boring stuff is... uh... more informative. i guess.
intellectual honesty. i think that is tied up...
and of course things seem clear until you try and write up what was supposed to be so very clear. then things start to seem confused. not so clear after all. intellectual honesty, again. this is what makes writing valuable and worthwhile. the idea is that the writing process reveals the unclarity that was present. this is why you write for you. to come to a better understanding. i need to grasp this properly.
i'm... lazy. mentally lazy. sigh. without external things like tests / assessments / the prospects of an A+... sigh. do it for me... i get it for squats. why not this? come back to me...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:57:21
In reply to internal motivation, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:45:55
the summarizing...
one highly respectable person once told me that that was half of what we do.
i'm seeing that now... and how if you do it right, you need never do it again. i see articles and books by certain people... and they have little summary speels of this and that and they just repeat the summary speel they have already written. if you are involved in a certain line of research then the summary speel probably gets updated every year or so in light of more recent developments... maybe you end up with more condensed / expanded versions for different purposes...
over time you can accumulate fields / research groups / people's contributions / points people have made on the significance or importance of this or that and the dangers of these other things over there...
and of course you develop your own take on the importance / significance of this or that finding for this or that theoretical point...
but it is about connecting with something greater than yourself. being a part of something. incorporating aspects of others. hoping others go on to incorporate aspects of you...
i do have a lot of... confusions. something along the lines of 3/4 understandings... i guess... i should have internal motivation to summarize for myself... see the full picture. then (and only then) once the summary is out...
one gets to stand back from it.
and...
THINK.
then what one thinks might actually matter.
only... one can get lost in trying to do a literature review properly... even a book review...
something something about a map that was so accurate and highly detailed you couldn't unroll it for fear of upsetting the farmers.
sigh.
whatever is to become of me?
(i suspect there is some reciprocal process between standing back and thinking (using that thinking to inform which aspects of the summary are important) and writing the summary (and using that to inform the thinking part of the process)
round and f*ck*ng round.
intrinsic value. f*ck yeah.
spinning circles. seems to me.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 23:26:02
In reply to Re: internal motivation, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:57:21
today was a weird one...
i woke up to an email saying that i had been waitlisted for my first choice of accommodation (the shared apartment with the university) but that there was space available in other options if i wanted to nominate a different first choice...
i met with a social worker who was going to go with me to work and income...
she turned out to be alright. better than alright, actually. tiny little old lady. brilliant, she was.
they are going to see about getting me on the invalid's benefit. which means... i can afford the deluxe studio apartment (entirely self contained) with the university. the doc needs to write a letter in support... there is a whole jury f*ck*ng panel who decide 'yes, easy' or 'wait a f*ck*ng minute' then hold up the works by making me get re-assessed by one of their designated dr's. i... don't anticipate too much of a problem, actually. turns out p-doc did specialize in actually treating autism over in England... and he is a public doc rather than being some private assessment that i paid megabucks for myself.
i said my first choice was the deluxe studio and they said they would email me an offer on monday.
so...
it is possible... that everything could work out... really well. that i actually am being given a f*ck*ng chance by the universe.
please
oh please
oh pleaselet it be so. and let it turn out that... i'm good at science.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 18:41:08
In reply to yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 23:26:02
I feel bad now. ambivalent. scared.
A dx is a mixed blessing... One of the positive aspects is that psychologically people often feel a sense of ... relief?... that something has been explained. understanding?... that things somehow make sense now. i don't really get those things. i've very aware that a diagnostic category (current ones at least) are little more than short hand abstractions from behavioural symptoms (that you already knew you had - or that are shaped by the provision of dx) with little inter-rater reliability and even when inter-rater reliability is better very little internal consistency and even when internal consistency is better very little external validity. providing a diagnostic category makes symptoms harder (it clarifies or condenses them into expected patterns which might perhaps give clinicians the illusion of clarity but messes up the clients subjective experience)... perhaps...
so the positives don't really do it for me.
negatives... are assumptions or inferences that other people make. clinician's, sure, but also members of the public. for instance... lack of empathy. lack of social skills. Simon Baron-Cohen is not a very popular man outside his academic circle... The TOM deficit model has been incredibly influential, though. I mean, really. For a crap load of work in scientifically oriented philosophical psychology anyway... mental module with a dysfunction - it is meant to be paradigmatic of all going well for Evolutionary Psychology business as usual.
another positive... is some of the benefits.
i feel bad here. squeemish. i feel bad about possibly getting assistance for something that i'm dubious about having. my dubiousness is coming more from my views on anti-dx across the board... but... i feel like there needs to be some authenticity here for me. i... couldn't accept psychotherapy from people who required me to fill in an ACC form that I'd been sexually abused. I... Wasn't prepared to fill in that form. I have had a bunch of experiences... And I know that many others would have few to no qualms describing them as cases of sexual abuse. But I've been influenced a great deal by Ian Hacking's work on "Multiple Personality and the Sciences of Memory" and other works where he talks about the evolving conception of abuse... Child abuse in particular... And about how children seem to be most significantly harmed... When we categorize certain acts as being abuse. This is a hard one for people to understand... I am not really up to explaining it much better right now... Sometimes I will say that I have been sexually abused... But mostly... I don't. A lot of other people got a lot worse... I just... It is sometimes important to me that this not be part of my self concept. And making me commit to that on a form... Seems to me to rule out that option / possibility for me. Insofar as I care (at least sometimes) about consistency.
But then part of that was my unwillingness to work with clinicians who didn't see the above my way. AKA ones whose agenda was for me to identify with the victim. To feel that in their presence / with them. Who is this helping again?
If I take on board this 'autistic spectrum idea' I'm only going to get weirder in my behaviour. Just this year... At that first university... I found myself getting weirder already because I decided that I could be 'weird one'. That I didn't mind that. I was prepared for people to see me as an intentional loner in a university full of extroverts. (Of course there were other introverts too - but they were prepared to play the extrovert game as best they could. I decided... I'd rather not try). Rather not... Cannot... Do I need to committ myself to one of those? I... Don't like to feel broken.
It means that other people will take my complaints more seriously. In the sense that they will be more likely to understand that certain things REALLY F*CK*NG WELL DO AFFECT ME. Whereas before they didn't listen. Things like DON'T TOUCH MY F*CK*NG MILK. Become something that others can understand is important if they can put ti down to my having a mental illness. Perhaps knowing that someone has a mental illness sometimes... Means you have more empathy for the fact that they are different in some respects from you. Perhaps putting it down to mental illness makes it psychologically acceptable insofar as it is clear that it is THEIR problem - that you aren't the defective one for not having that / for not properly empathizing with their sentiment.
I feel... That this is a mixed blessing indeed...
On the one hand... Considerable f*ck*ng relief if I actually can get to live by myself... If other people can understand that the noises etc really do significantly affect me. Render me unable to function in fact. On the other hand... Some stigma... Avoidance... I feel that this is bound to come up in my medical school interview...
But here is the thing: I get told I interview well. Not because I intentionally seek out information as to how I did - but this is feedback that others have voluntarily offered to me. I do get social butterflies / nervousness. I'm able to come across as shy and a little nervous but also quite chatty and friendly (I mean it is a couple hours - it isn't so bad to play the role). It is because it is a role you play... I can teach well, too. I mean, I'm not amazing, but most people aren't. To tell you the honest truth I think I'm an average / mediocre teacher. Most people significantly over-estimate their own abilities. E.g., most people think their driving skills are above average but that can't be true. I think that honestly I'm an average teacher. Maybe a little below average actually (insofar as I'm more of a researcher than a teacher and they tend to give me classes to teach like logic that ain't really my area even though the feeling is that any phil major can teach that). But I'm competent. I've never had any complaints against me. I can do appropriate eye contact for interveiews. For teaching. My eye contact goes out the window when I'm talking with community mental health for sure - it always has done. Becuase they ask very intimate very invasive questions and there is no f*ck*ng privacy in the public health system.
I... I have been thinking a bit... For a while now... About how I seem to have a fairly male brain. How all the girlfriends I've had... Have all had fairly male brains. Physicists. Philosophers. Most of my girlfriends... Joke about how they are autistic and lack social skills... But they alwasy seemed mor esocially embedded than me... With guys... I'm... One of the guys. Sort of. One of the guys around guys who aren't openly disrespectful of women (around me at least). In the gym... They defer to me when I want ot use my f*ck*ng squat rack... I think I'm sort of a cute little mascot or something. They thrive off my energy... All I need is for them to play energizing music... But... I'm not flirty or anything. I like it how... Guys always make me feel safe. Looked out for. I find them reassuring. Comforting. Girls are... Crazy. Hot then cold. Chattery. Nervousness... Skittish... Freaks me out. I try to be more like a guy.
House... Is... Well... I think he is a normal human being to tell you the honest truth. He reminds me a lof of one of my mates... Who ended up getting a score in the top 1% or 2% or something equally insane on the GAMSAT and got a FULLY FUNDED scholarship to do med at some place in Aussie... He wants to be a neurosurgeon. He is funny... You get him ranting about something... Especially to do with something something about some variable he can't plug very well into his model beign important... And he has this vein that bulges rather worryingly on the side of his forehead. He said it worries him, yeah. Everyone in his fathers side... Stroke gets them eventually... But he is a good guy. Autistic? In a sense, sure. But still... More socially embedded than me.
I have trouble staying in touch with people. I miss them sometimes... But I... I hardly ever login to Skype. And when I see my friends there I kind of run out. Even though... I do like them and they are my friends. I don't know why i get scared and avoid them. I'm like that with facebook, too. hundreds of people i've met over the years from uni's all around the world... p osting updates abotu conferences and where they are going to be... so you can arrange to meet up for drinks or whatever so you... so long as you are never far away from a good uni... you are never far away from friends...
i'm a hermit.
i... do get lonely.
i am afraid that people think that if i get this studio then everything will work out magically okay. i'll finish my thesis. i'll get amazing grades. i'll get into med. i'll do well in it...
i'm afraid that things will be harder. that there will be.... always something. e.g., that i'll get the apartment then collapse with lonliness. or that i'll get the apartment and then find that i can't do the math for chemistry etc. that i can't get the grades. or...
i need to put these thoughts out of my head.
in particular: once i move I"VE MOVED REGIONS. ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE HELPING ME NOW... IF I CAN JUST GET THIS ACCOMMODATION AND GET MYSELF MOVED>>> THEN (and only then) CAN I SEE ABOUT GETTING SUPPORTS IN PLACE FOR NEXT YEAR.
I will do the very best I can do. I promise that.
Will I be poster-child for austistic spectrum girl? If I have to be. If i tmeans i get to do less cr*pp*ng about in teams... If it means I get a little less groped in practicals... Alright then.
Only... I think my empathy skills are just fine. In terms of breaking bad news etc. People will have to teach me to give less of a sh*t about patient confidentiality if they want me to fit in etc...
I think... The universe is laughing... People are laughing. There is a stereotype of 'can't function outside the university' and... It is actually true of me. This gives people... Glee. Then people around me look (pretend to me) cross... And say 'autistic spectum' and then people... Their eyes light up .. Oh. You see them go. Its a DISEASE.
YOU CAN'T HELP IT
I think the moral might be:
These people who have this ability to focus and get on with the job (to work independently) they CAN'T crap about in teams getting nothing done quite the way other people can.
conversely (what most people already know to be true)
These people who have this ability to slot in with a bunch of people and have all of them like that person and relax and feel comfortable around them so they can function at their best... CAN'T do anything without being surrounded by a bunch of people.
Different ways of being...
Like how...
I said about how they don't want me living in shared accom because I would be COMPLAINING incessantly about people being noisy and dirty and moving my things about in the fridge.
But how they don't want other people living in studios because they would be COMPLAINING incessantly (or quietly committing suicide) out of lonliness and their not being surrounded by friends.
Different.
Not better or wose.
Except... Society tends to swing in roundabouts...
And There is some kind of a payback (because of the glory days of the way things used to be) where the solo players... Are currently pathologised.
Do i want to be a spokesperson for that?
If it maximises my chances of me getting to be me (and other people letting me be) then okay.
I just... Do have reservations about whether this will in fact bring out the best in me.
_____
It is going to be a journey. I think back to my first year of my degree... I'm about to start ALL OVER. I'm ... Excited. In awe. I'm in f*ck*ng awe that I can do this. I can actually do this. How f*ck*ng lucky am I???????????? If I get to live self contained within walking distance of my 8am classes and 5pm labs... With a gym membership included and I can walk home and shower... I'm in f*ck*ng heaven. They even have Olympic lifting platforms.
This all seems too good to be true.
I am scared. Please come through for me p-doc
(google says he is doing his 'one year working in the public service being supervised to confirm competence') thing. Indian doc - but he was working in England before. English is very good - any issues really are about local accent. And speed... But... He's been here for a month. So... How prepared really is he to support my invalid's benefit application? This is... The holy f*ck*ng grail of benefits. Because... It gives you independence. And they leave you a f*ck*ng lone instead of harrassing you every 5 minutes for evidence of this that and the other thing... If I get this... I will have to be poster f*ck*ng girl indeed.
Sigh.
I feel dirty.
Am I willing to be (potentially) poster child for Autistic Spectrum girl? Just in case... It comes to that... It might... I will need to figure it out / decide. And see how the admissions process goes of course. Here's a point: They can't discriminate against you. There are certain aspects / areas of medicine that certain types do in fact seek out... Pathology... Surgery... There is room. Otherwise... There is non-clinical research, of course. I know I'll be at home there.
I am very afraid that I will turn out to be... Okay, honestly... The worst case is... That I work really very f*ck*ng hard and pull B's.
Actually no, that isn't it. The worst case is that I don't get this studio. and then... i'll never know whether i could have done it or not.
the point to impress on them is...
have you seen an edition of 'jobs for philosophers' these days?
(yes there really is such a f*ck*ng thing)
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN'T FUNCTION OUTSIDE THE UNI
so i need to pick something else...
health
there is always money in health...
science.yes?
Posted by Twinleaf on October 11, 2013, at 20:56:22
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 18:41:08
As someone who has been on the faculty of a med school., I remember being very interested in the tremendous number of researchers. They had very strong interests in their particular fields, worked independently, but had only limited teaching responsibilities ( a few lectures a year at most). What they did have to have was real research ability and publishing skills. Would something like that suit you? (Many of them had combined MD - PhDs).
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 11, 2013, at 20:56:22
I'm not entirely sure, but I think it may suit me, yes.
I don't properly understand how science publications work with the teams / highly collaborative thing they do. In a sense science seems a lot more social than philosophy. A lot more division of labor with people having their circumscribed part to play.
One thing I've learned fairly recently... Is that there are a lots of fundamental skills that I never developed. Important stuff. Time management etc. There are a lot of things that I would do very differently if I could do a Philosophy degree all over again. I'd make much more use of support services with their seminars on database searching and Endnote using etc etc etc.
I think science students are more organized / timetable managed than arts / social science students. The number of contact hours is staggering to me... I think that this external structure will be good for me. No -- I KNOW that this external structure will be good for me. I can be highly productive (can get in the zone) flowing from one task to the next task etc etc.
'Write thesis' as a daily activity... Doesn't quite do it for me. People are making suggestions now... Thinking of working in 25 minute blocks or whatever... But it is a bit sad that I'm struggling to make things work at this stage of things... That I didn't develop good work habits early on. I'm fairly sure science will teach me good work habits. I know medicine definitely will - but I don't know if I'll get a place...
I know someone who works as a pathologist. Clinical. She does diagnostic screenings on tissue. Mostly looking down a microscope and saying whether the sample is normal or problematic given patient file notes / demographic data etc. She loves it. No patient contact. She started teaching... And she loves it. She loves the students. I guess a certain type is attracted to that kind of work...
I just see a whole range of opportunities. Ranging from the highly social (e.g., being a general practitioner in a rural community) to the highly a-social (e.g., pathology, or being the math guy for publications) and of course all kinds of things in between.
I guess... One of the things I liked was the idea of having a schedule, yeah. Go here at this time and do this and then be there at this time for that... I think I'd like that... That kind of bustle. Moving around (physically) hopefully some of that (compared to sitting in front of a computer all day). Variety. Patients a couple days. Lab a couple days. I'd... I'd like variety like that. I don't know how my autopilot goes during sleep deprivation... I don't know...
Philosophy is just 'and go and work on whatever you want and when it is done send it off'. Which is... Aimless... Perhaps it is something differnet to others. .. I don't know.. I've missed the boat somehow..
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
I think I would like to be a surgeon, honestly. But I don't really know. It seems very checklist focused these days. Routine. Minimization of risk. Take the human element out of it. Simplify it so a dumb-*ss person, I mean robot, could do it. Scripted. Like cognitive-behavior therapy - yes?
This seems to be why people want to go work in developing nations or warzones. The leash is a bit longer. The skill requirement is a bit higher. The potential to actually make a concrete difference to the lives of individuals is that much higher.
Though I've heard if you actually give a sh*t about the latter then public health is the way to go. If you actually care about numbers... Getting the medication to the people... Basic basic stuff.
I...
I'm not going to have a family. My work is my life. Or procrastinating work is my life. Playing little computer games for the comfort of some kind of repetitive stereotypic f*ck*ng thing that I get out of it...
Surely there must be a way to channel some of it... To enable me to be... A productive human being. I... Don't know what.
I've recently been influenced a great deal by this guy:
http://calnewport.com/blog/category/features-rethinking-passion/
Get good at something rare and valuable. Get so good they can't ignore you (that is what is hard - the world conspires for you to be yet another replacable part in the f*ck*ng assembly line). Use that as leverage for a life... That is good.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
> Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Good advice, Twinleaf. I love your caring, kindness, sincerity, and tolerance.
- Scott
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 20:52:30
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » Twinleaf, posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
Thanks , Scott! I do think Alexandra has a lot going for her, and would love to see her able to identify the right goals and be able to fulfill them.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 0:51:34
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » Twinleaf, posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
yes, thanks to the both of you :-)
this is why i'm so excited!! i get to start all over again... discovering heaps and heaps of things that i never knew even existed...
fields and subfields and subsubfields and individual research groups.
i expect i will end up doing something... that i probably haven't even heard of yet.i need to get a bunch of grading done
(for which i am truly grateful)
then finish my thesis
(hold onto that)while getting things sorted out for next year.
honestly... if this accommodation comes through for me (if the invalid's benefit gets moved through for me ----- quickly!) then i'll be so happy...
i hate feeling unsettled. as i am now.
if this works out... it will be very similar indeed to my past set-up in aussie... i... i really hope this works out for me. i... this would be a lucky break for me. i don't feel like i've had one of those in a while.
it means a lot to know you guys are here. thank you.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 22:46:08
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 0:51:34
This is starting to turn out to be one of those 'and here we go again' situations.
Social Worker suggested Invalids Benefit because she didn't think about it properly. She got my hopes up because she didn't think about it properly. She gave me options I didn't think I had because she didn't think about it properly.
P-doc doesn't want to say that I need to live alone anymore. When he said that before he didn't really think about it properly. He'll write a note with the dx he thought on a referral to a GP but he won't fill in the invalid's benefit form saying how my situation isn't likely to improve over the next year or so.
So now I've got an offer for accommodation ...
That I will probably end up not being able to afford. And the affordable accommodation... Its too f*ck*ng late. They offered it to someone else. I had to nominate ONE choice.
Yet again: Community mental health manages to f*ck me up worse.
Overbridge... Maybe they put them so f*ck*ng close on purpose.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:01:41
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 22:46:08
it is my fault for trusting them.
when will i learn
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:14:24
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:01:41
i think she is trying to fix it now.
but of course she can't.
it's okay, she goes on holiday in a couple days so she can forget all about it.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2013, at 0:28:12
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:14:24
I'm alright.
It doesn't mean anything, yet.
I emailed accommodation and asked them whether it might be possible to get a place in the affordable option if I don't accept this other offer by next Wednesday (when it expires)...
I have an appointment with WINZ again for Monday and they might (maybe) pay the deposit to secure something...
Social Worker reckons some advocacy people might help me... And that she has a letter from p-doc for a GP... (I'm suspecting this is Bull Sh*t but I suppose it is possible that it might not be).
I...
Don't entirely know what to say.
I've been watching "The Big Bang Theory". It is quite good. Sheldon is... Well... I'm not quite that bad. I draw the line on fancy dress. I'm not quite that bad. But there is a lot of truth. See... He should get to sit in his seat. Because it means so much more to him than it does to anybody else... Except.. Well.. Even I can see that I suppose it is kinda crazy that he puts that much thought into most things he does..
This damned Asperger's thing...
I think it makes the most sense of... How I don't really have any friends... How the gift giving thing upsets me. And things like going to peoples places for dinner. There is something about the whole schema of social nicety that escapes me. Reciprocity. That I'm kind of... A sexual, I guess. Not flirty... I think of myself as a person more than a female in particular. I... Whatever.
I...
I just really really want this.
And I guess the point is not to have a melt down. Not just yet. Have a little faith in the universe. That everything will turn out okay. It might still. Might turn out best case. Might just turn out acceptable case. But anyway... Things haven't turned to sh*t just yet.
1) Grading.
2) Get supervisor some more work and raise the whole Skype oral defence issue that I've been avoiding (that was actually scheduled for yesterday with administration though I don't suppose he knows that).I kind of want a hug.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 2:41:44
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2013, at 0:28:12
((((((((alex))))))))
:-)
it will probably be okay.
p-doc has gone to conference. it is probably someplace good because no conference lasts for two weeks.
social worker didn't manage to catch him on Friday (as she thought she would be able to do) - so it isn't at all that he bailed on me.
he wrote some lengthy letter for me to give to my GP apparently (not sure why...) so we have that. and we might be able to get the other doc to fill in the form since she has supported 1 month then 1 month then 3 months of the sickness benefit saying 'need to live alone' each time. and i might be able to get a letter out of psychologist in support if next time i see her i ask if we can focus on finishing up the assessment and i tell her i've come to peace with autistic spectrum and why.
apparently p-doc has requested my file notes and is waiting on them... i was sure he wouldn't have much last time... he is planning on more properly checking. i am remembering stuff now... my plunket book said that i was still being fed by mother and not using a knife and fork and whatever age... i just interpreted it as my mother being over-bearing as always. but maybe... maybe there was more going on. same with her leaving out clothes for me and making me wear those. perhaps it was because there were worse problems if she didn't do that...
maybe she wasn't as overbearing / invasive as i remember her being... maybe it is that i'm weird in needing a lot more space than most. maybe she didn't shut me in my room... so much as i went and hid there all by myself.
:-/
anyway...
saw a consumer advocate person today and my next appointment with work and income will be with her and the regional manager. he's the person who got my letter before about blah...... that ended up resulting in my getting on the sickness benefit in the first place. i think the idea of this... is community support. the idea is... that the more people who feel this is appropriate for me / that i should have this... the more likely it is to go through. the problem is.. the nature of my disorder means i'm not embedded. so.. not properly in the position to ask for help. because.. people don't actually give a sh*t about me asking for help. they give a sh*t about those other people asking for help for me.
ur.
i am cautiously optimistic.
it basically hangs on 'why can you study full time but not do anything else'? because if you are sick enough for the invalids benefit you are meant to be too sick for work or study. that is the point. in my favor i'm currently on the sickness benefit and i'm studying a course at a MUCH higher level than the course i plan to study next year. so... oddly enough... i think this sheldon character on this television show is helping people... they are getting a sense of... i could study or even teach but i can't... do anything else, really. not without melting down. i think... they do get that. and... they are sort of empathetic about it. maybe it is the relationships thing... realizing that i probably won't get lonely living all by myself. that i won't get married or be in a relationship or have kids... all there is is this. i think they will help me.
i find out next monday. best case... the deposit to secure the accommodation goes through then. then i think... it might be possible i can move outta here in a couple weeks. into other uni accom (cheap summer rates) even if not the actual place i'll get to stay in for next year...
i'm...
fragile. scared. but cautiously optimistic.
i'm okay.
Posted by Poet on October 15, 2013, at 14:45:35
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 2:41:44
Hi Alex,
I love The Big Bang Theory, especially when Sheldon says, "I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested." And knock knock knock, Penny, knock knock knock, Penny...
Here are some safe cyber hugs ((((((((Alex)))))))) and a cyber slap to everyone making your therapy, medical and housing situation so difficult.
Keep being cautiously optimistic.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:20:57
In reply to Re: sorry » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on October 15, 2013, at 14:45:35
thanks, poet. hugs back for you if you want. penny has my upper arms, but they look better on her.
i think things are going to be okay. i've figured it out. it is about the community support, thing. i think things will be okay because i seem to have some.
i still feel very ambivalent about this diagnosis thing. the problem is... i have to embrace it if i want assistance. otherwise i get nothing. feels a bit like emotional blackmail. i feel kind of dirty for succumbing. on the other hand, there is probably another way of seeing this...
i have a friend...
(i guess that could mean a lot of things)
he should be a close friend because we are part of the same group. have been friends for around 6 years. things have always been a bit strained between us, though. i thought it was because we were too much alike with respect to social anxiety so neither of us relaxed particularly around the other. part of it is that he does the social bonding with gossip (and bitching about certain others) and he likes playing social games like 'what is the scariest thing you have ever done' or 'who sung this popular song that anybody who is anybody must know' - and i can't do any of that, it makes my social anxiety worse...
anyway... we are currently co-located. have been... well... he was actually in wellington when i was there, and he moved up to this region shortly before myself... he did med before philosophy (is the one who told me i was doing this backwards)... and he has moved back into working on... something very close to me indeed. so really things are primed for us to have a working relationship. only... i've been avoiding him. fairly much the whole time i've known him. because of the anxiety thing... he gave a talk the other day and i missed it. anyway... i told him about the dx (dr appointment running over was why i missed his talk - but saying just that sounded lame). and got... a nice email back from him.
this sounds odd... but i think we might be capable of being better friends now. because... he thought that i was judging him in reacting negatively to his ways of coping with his anxiety but really i wasn't... and now... the dx makes that understandable to him. he can put it down to my incapacity.
i feel...
ambivalent.
but it seems to be helping.
actually... a huge part of it... where i used to live... there was a window that opened out onto this garden area. and people used to go there to drink after work. and i was in my room having a meltdown one day and i could hear him (he has a distinctive voice) and a bunch of people from work and they were like 'where is alex?' and he was like 'oh, she never hangs out with us' in a condescending way... it really upset me... later... i thought that perhaps it indicated that he was upset / sad or something that i didn't... later still... i realized he was hurt / upset because he thought i was out with other people who i liked more or something... but of course i wasn't. i was having a meltdown in my room. this... perhaps this is what it explains. that my social distance / aloofness / downright absence much of the time... wasn't at all that i thought i had better things to be doing or whatever... a lot does make sense now...
i got waitlisted for biomedical science. bastards. perhaps they are messing with me since i've applied to enroll then not actually taken up the enrollment for 3 semesters now... perhaps if i accept the accommodation on monday they will take it more seriously. i will go grovel to them next week (see if i can provide more information in support of my application). perhaps i pissed them off because i said i wanted to do a course of study that was half-way between both of those two options... but things turn out to be rather more complicated because they are restricting entry for the courses... if i don't get a place in bio-med i can always do the year of health science which involves psychology and epidemiology and sociology rather than physics and biochem and genetics... the other papers are the same (the crucial ones for med entry the following year) but i was starting to look forward to the challenge of science...
they administrator withdrew my application for physiology... so i think they are messing with me, yeah (i was going to apply for special permission entry to the restricted courses. ur... i think i am something of a pain. i hope i'm sort of somewhat amusing...
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