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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NutsInc on September 11, 2013, at 0:25:40
Hello,
Newbie here. I have a fair grasp on knowledge regarding mental illnesses and medications, but something threw me for a loop lately.
I started dating someone with OCD a month ago. We will call them A. This was diagnosed by a GP. While I can understand the daily issues of having it somewhat by reading and hearing stories, I don't have it myself.
I'm not sure if I understand A very much. A was open to discussing it, but explained their exact "type" vaguely, IMO. It's not cleanliness so much, nor counting-- but repetition of numbers. A has stated that they often cannot make eye contact with me as well as stating some things like not being able to come over was due to "OCD and tiredness". As in, being out of A's routine.
While I understand, it's impossible for me to not only feel rejected, but I also wonder if it's sadly worth my emotions getting harmed (selfish, but I've been burned in the past and have blatant trust and acceptance issue). I also wondered if A has received the right diagnosis.
A is 30 years old and has never had a serious relationship. A admitted quite openly to me that in college, they would have drunk hook ups to satisfy their sexual needs while intentionally avoiding the emotional aspects. A did not want their OCD to be noticed (which thus far, it is not, IMO, and A is not currently on medication due to sexual side effects, and has not been for over a year).
I have my own issues-- namely GAD and major depression, SSRI/SNRI/TCA unresponsive. I cannot take MAOIs because I take a stimulant for narcolepsy, which also helps with the depression somewhat, and oddly, the GAD immensely.
I was as open as A was, and I also know quite a lot about medicine, so A is mostly receptive to discussing it.
Mostly... Until it potentially involves us and I mention it. For example, I believe A is suffering from depression, and they mentioned it first. I'm not certain A understands the fatigue and depression connection. A also admitted to have a previous perfectionist view/expectation towards a partner and their appearance as well as sex. I'm not certain all of these are previous, closed issues, which would obviously be an issue for me if not handled.
I've mentioned to A that if they wanted to begin treatment again, I would be understanding of the sexual side effects and we could easily work around them. Because of my knowledge about A's previous perfect partner "need" and my loosing 100 pounds and having loose skin, sex isn't the best with these thoughts in my head anyways.
To be honest, A isn't greatly physically attractive themselves. I am attracted to A physically, but more so mentally. I hate to actually say this, as it's not a dogma I subscribe to, but physically, I "could do better". It's not a concern of mine, and again, I am attracted to A.
A mentioned that someone they dated right before me would text them, and A would blow them off, hoping they'd get the hint. This made me soon wonder if I was also getting this lovely hint.
I also drank a bit too much one evening and said a few obviously "desperate" words. Since these things have happened, I feel a different vibe, and greatly so.A is now more closed off. A does not call or text me as often now compared to before. A also seems to direct all conversations and dates towards sex. To be honest, I kinda feel like an attractive blow up doll! It's funny, but not exactly a great way to feel. A may have sensed this when I intentionally became "vaguely busy", or wanted to make sure we were on the same line, as A brought up the Exclusive Talk.
However, I don't feel like anyone's partner. I think A may have done this to safeguard any potential competition, but I think it may be unfair of me to mention this to A. I've already been seen as too intrusive, so I'm scared of scaring A off. A used to text me 15+ times a day; Now it's only 1X, with me often initiating the conversation.
I have not seen A in 4 days, and have little conversation with A. We did have an almost breakup. I have no idea what A said that upset me 4 days ago, but I told them it would be best if they left. We have since spoken; A does not recall it either. We had plans that weekend, so I called A to see what was up. A said they were going out of town to see a college friend, which A mentioned before, saying they did not want to go, would be bored, and the whole weekend was "mine". Of course, I know I kicked A out, but things have changed again. The boring trip became a "night out", which I'm fine with, but I was angry because I had my child go with my mother to be with A.
So of course I felt like crap. My "vagueness" became induced jealousy and I asked A if they'd mind if I went out to dinner with someone; It was just dinner and I didn't have my mother take my child all weekend to sit at home. Immature, I know.
A did not get back to me until the next night. Said they were tired, etc. I said I did not go on a date and I would be there when (really if) they wanted to talk. The next night, I still did not hear from them. I was VERY frustrated by this point, so I called and left a voicemail that said: I think I knew the MO they used, and to be honest, it was cowardly; That I didn't need such hints so I'd do A a favor and blow myself off, no problem, good luck; If my assumptions were incorrect, then correct me; If so, just say yes or no.
A sent me a text saying they were "processing everything; Enjoyed spending time with me; Chose to be exclusive with me in the hopes of it leading to something serious; They did not like to deal with my yes/no absolutes; was not sure if it was a yes or no ultimately but would hang out again; It was not about sex, even dating was fine; ease into things without pressure or expectations... Social labels were paperwork and came with time."
I see where A is coming from, but I don't think I pressured them into anything. Is it just me, or is A attempting to revert back into their old hook up patterns? I said I agreed, friends is fine with me if nothing else, and it's about getting to know one another.
A then wanted to have FaceTime (video chat) and needed to masturbate, and I could watch if I wanted. Lol... I said I was tired and it was late, and they'd be quicker without me. A said they hadn't seen me in days, was A's fault, and just wanted to see me. I video chatted and A begged me to get undressed, but I said friends don't do that... (I did not say if that's something A considers pressure, oh well.)
I need outside perspectives. IMO, unknown to A, it's almost like they have very very mild Autistic traits (emotions, eye contact). And well... I still feel like a pretty blow up doll. I think I have the right to want some label-- I never asked for one, and it was A who made the dating exclusive, not I.
I'm very confused. I often question if A may use this attempt as another MO to get laid. I mean, what makes me so special to have a potential serious relationship with A if no one else has? Timing?
I know it's detailed, but I need advice on how to respond from now on before I do. I left a text message unanswered because I feel very unappreciated (and like a damn toy).
Thank you.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 12, 2013, at 3:26:35
In reply to Worth it? OCD and relationships, posted by NutsInc on September 11, 2013, at 0:25:40
> Newbie here. I have a fair grasp on knowledge regarding mental illnesses and medications, but something threw me for a loop lately.
Welcome! I hope you get some responses from the posters. I wouldn't want you to feel rejected here, too.
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2013, at 4:42:32
In reply to Worth it? OCD and relationships, posted by NutsInc on September 11, 2013, at 0:25:40
Hi. I'm probably not the best person to ask for relationship advice... But it sounds like you are wanting more emotional intimacy (you keep saying you feel kinda like a blow up doll) and you are worried that he is into old patterns around wanting a sexual outlet but perhaps nothing much in the way of anything else.
I guess... One idea might be to take things slow. Physically, I mean. Say that for you it is about the emotional connection and say that feeling emotionally connected (so that you won't be left feeling like a blow up doll) takes time. I think it does for most girls.
Some guys are more into connecting with *doing* things rather than having deep and meaningful conversations about their feelings. Going for hikes or walks or whatever. Is there stuff (aside from sex) that you like to *do* together? Does it help you feel more connected to him to do stuff together that you both enjoy?
If he feels like you are pressuring him into giving more than he feels willing and / or able to then he might just kind of squirm away. I'm not particularly proud to admit that I do that with people sometimes. If I don't feel that they give me the space that I need then I back off and if they still don't give me the space that I need then I don't want to have much more to do with them. If you don't text him... Then you leave him in the position of your not having texted him. If he misses you... He can text you. If he doesn't miss you... Isn't it better to find that out earlier rather than later?
I don't know.
Posted by NutsInc on September 12, 2013, at 5:16:34
In reply to Re: welcome!, posted by Dr. Bob on September 12, 2013, at 3:26:35
> > Newbie here. I have a fair grasp on knowledge regarding mental illnesses and medications, but something threw me for a loop lately.
>
> Welcome! I hope you get some responses from the posters. I wouldn't want you to feel rejected here, too.
>
> Bob
>Dr. Bob ,
Hah, you're funny. I'll admit... When I checked for replies yesterday and saw none, I was thinking 'Oh no. Guess it was too babbly to go through, or they're a closed group and I'm a new newbie'. The irony...Thanks,
N
Posted by NutsInc on September 12, 2013, at 8:22:45
In reply to Re: Worth it? OCD and relationships, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2013, at 4:42:32
> Hi. I'm probably not the best person to ask for relationship advice... But it sounds like you are wanting more emotional intimacy (you keep saying you feel kinda like a blow up doll) and you are worried that he is into old patterns around wanting a sexual outlet but perhaps nothing much in the way of anything else.
>
> I guess... One idea might be to take things slow. Physically, I mean. Say that for you it is about the emotional connection and say that feeling emotionally connected (so that you won't be left feeling like a blow up doll) takes time. I think it does for most girls.
>
> Some guys are more into connecting with *doing* things rather than having deep and meaningful conversations about their feelings. Going for hikes or walks or whatever. Is there stuff (aside from sex) that you like to *do* together? Does it help you feel more connected to him to do stuff together that you both enjoy?
>
> If he feels like you are pressuring him into giving more than he feels willing and / or able to then he might just kind of squirm away. I'm not particularly proud to admit that I do that with people sometimes. If I don't feel that they give me the space that I need then I back off and if they still don't give me the space that I need then I don't want to have much more to do with them. If you don't text him... Then you leave him in the position of your not having texted him. If he misses you... He can text you. If he doesn't miss you... Isn't it better to find that out earlier rather than later?
>
> I don't know.
>
>Alexandria,
Thank you. Sometimes I guess we simply don't know for sure. I didn't mean that having sex is all we do. What may seem to me may not be true. We have a lot in common; I think that's why it's more of a mental attraction for me. I guess to sum it up I'd say his depression is what tires him (in addition to working 60 hrs/week). He's been incredibly open. Until I invaded his zone with my emotions...! I also sabotage things-- and rarely recognize when I'm doing it. I'm so fearful of rejection lately (was never before; nothing significant happened in my life except I'm much more attractive now-- Doesn't add up) that I get out/back off if I even sense it. And I could be/ often am totally wrong. I am certain he knows all of this, so enough said.Point being: I need more attention. And I'm not a very needy person. This is new to me, but I have not changed. It's merely that he's uncertain of basic guidelines, TBH! He actually appreciates it when I give him advice. Such as, "I know you're new to this. When dating someone new/less than 3 months, you don't call a woman up on a Thursday and ask if she wants to go out the next day. She will feel 1 or 2 things. 1: You want a semi booty call only. Or 2: You had other plans which didn't pan out, so you're admitting to back-burning her, even if you did not". Kinda funny.
The whole stupid 'playing it cool' worked. I know people need space-- I'm one of them!
I find the fact that he assumed we were exclusive (but not 'in a relationship') strange. I had not asked in any way at all; I never suggested a label. While its nice to know where one stands I'm not sure why I feel, hmm. Hard to explain, so try to understand my weird analogy if possible:
I feel as if I'm say... a book in a library. And he just got his library card. Before, he would only flip through magazines. Now he thinks he's ready for a book. Lucky me (hah) is his first potential novel. And he's got me, the book, on reservation, just so no one else can borrow/reserve (date) me. I'm just sitting on the shelf. On reserve. He still reads me, but a lot less than before. I'm a difficult read (no pun intended) so he's not sure if he wants to keep borrowing me. But other people glance and smile at me in a very interested way; They want to read me as well. As a book, while I'm not ready to be 'bought' and removed from the library, I like to be taken down from the shelf more often than I have been by him *lately*. And I can't ask/tell him (I could, easily) as I'd 'rush/pressure' him... It's already led to me being put on this shelf to begin with, being too hard to read for now, so he'll just peruse through me (no sexual pun intended) at his reading speed, which ATM is not enough for me. This is a response to my actions; I'm the ding bat who became too hard to read too soon.
I think he wants to borrow me for a long time (Not in a selfish way, and again, not sexual) before checking me out of the library on an extended basis, as we all like to do with something that may potentially be long term.
I realize that a) Other people can borrow me, regardless of what he thinks or knows. I wouldn't err, allow the third party to umm, dig into my index the same time he is, haha. b) I can leave anytime I want. But why would I? To only run away, as he's done nothing wrong. If it got to the point where I literally had to demand attention, I'd gladly leave, of course.
Slow down, of course. He will try to read my index, hehe, so even coming up with a plausible reason for why he no longer can-- which doesn't sound like I'm "demanding"-- would be difficult to do. And he asked me out yesterday for this weekend. It was late, I was sleeping, and I never got back to him. It's still early so good. I think I'm going to be nonchalant and get back to him without an answer. Or, more likely, not respond with the hopes of him asking me out ***NOT via text ***. Maybe this is normal and I'm old fashioned. Dunno.
The book has been treated like crap, has fragile pages and needs to be handled carefully. Oh, and it is actually that time of the month when my shelves are being dusted. :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2013, at 17:34:02
In reply to Re: Worth it? OCD and relationships » alexandra_k, posted by NutsInc on September 12, 2013, at 8:22:45
Maybe say that you want to have an open relationship and date other people as well. He might accept that. Or he might say that he doesn't want that to happen. What can he do to stop it? In which case you get to say that you want to spend more time together.
Posted by SLS on September 13, 2013, at 8:38:22
In reply to Re: Worth it? OCD and relationships » alexandra_k, posted by NutsInc on September 12, 2013, at 8:22:45
Have you expressed to A your feelings?
What do YOU want?
I'm not sure that there will be any winners if you both continue to play mind games. Is it possible that it is you who is playing games and A who is being honest?
What do YOU want?
You seem to be more focused on A's needs than on your own.
- Scott
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