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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Geez, I just wrote a long post, and I somehow deleted it. I'm not sure if I have the energy to write the whole f@*#ing thing over. The upshot of my message is that my husband died, and I do not feel like going on. I feel vulnerable, scared and lonely even though I've had lots of support. I feel like the doctors neglected the seriousness of his illness for too long and because of it he's dead. What should I do, sue? I don't think I have the energy or strength. I'm tired. I don't want to go on. I'm scared. I have about 40 ambein, 50 xanax, a few pain pills and alcohol. I also own a gun. I've left a voicemail for my minister, but I didn't say I was suicidal. I'm not Christian. I do not believe in hell. I was in such a state of shock for awhile after he died, but it's wearing off now. I need help, but in a way I don't want it because I don't want to go on. I just want to be secure and loved like I was with my husband. I believe God will embrace me if I die. My husband is on the other side along with some other wonderful people. They will greet me. It would be so much easier to die. I know I would leave many, many people in pain, and I hate that. I hate it, but I don't feel strong enough to live. I know I need help. I have a counselor, but I don't think he takes emergency calls. His voicemal says if it's an emergency to call 911, like I'm really going to do that. I know I am loved, but it's not enough. I need what my husband gave me. I need him. I need his love. I am not strong enough on my own, and I never was. This weekend I could take my life. I'm on the edge.
Posted by BayLeaf on February 6, 2009, at 20:46:11
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
I wish I could do more than this, but I can't right now:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Please read it.
Posted by obsidian on February 6, 2009, at 21:28:30
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
oh cass,
your pain and despair come across so very clearly and while I can't feel it as you experience it, it sounds excruciating. I hear you saying that you feel so painfully alone, and that you have suffered such a tremendous loss that you are also so very understandably angry about. I wish I could bring you even the tiniest bit of comfort at this time. Please Cass, reach out to someone outside of this cyber world. Please be kind to yourself, please stay in this world.
((((((cass))))))
Posted by no_rose_garden on February 6, 2009, at 21:33:18
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
((((Cass)))
I can't imagine how you feel with all that's going on. Do take care of yourself and give yourself big hugs.When I want to do it really bad, i hate knowing that it will make other people sad.
PS I hate when I accidentally delete my messages ack!
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 21:34:49
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
((((((Cass)))))))))
I'm so sorry for you pain. You know your husband would NOT want to see you do that. Be strong for your husband. You are strong-you just need to focus right now.
First, call a relative to remove the gun from your house. Immediately.
Second, call a crisis counselor: I'm not sure if you are in the U.S., but if you are, call: 800-784-2433 or 800-273-8255. I had called these numbers in the past for support when taking care of a family member in crisis. They are great resources. You can simply Google the numbers and get more.
Third,you do not want to hurt the people who love you. Think of how devasted they would be.
While it seems hopeless right now, there are things you can do. Your life is not destined for despair. I am so sorry about what happened to your husband, and don't you know he would want you to EMBRACE LIFE-NOT GIVE UP??
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 21:40:52
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Cass - get the gun out of your house right now. Do not delay.
Even if it be the neighbor or the police; preferrably a friend or family member.
Invite your best friend over and VENT, VENT, VENT.
Again, think of how devasted your loved ones would be.....you have more control than it appears right now. Take the first couple of steps, and it will be uphill from there.I would also call your minister back and tell him/her its an emergency. That might be your first line of defense.
Inside you lies the strength you need at this time.
Posted by TexasChic on February 6, 2009, at 21:46:59
In reply to Re: Suicidal » Cass, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 21:40:52
Your post has me crying! I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain! But if you give up now, you're not giving yourself a chance for things to ever get any better! Please give yourself a chance to go through the grieving process. I hope you find someone to talk to IRL. You really need to let someone know how you are feeling. Please keep us posted. There are people here who care.
-T
Posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:12:31
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by TexasChic on February 6, 2009, at 21:46:59
I spoke to a friend this evening, but I didn't tell her I was suicidal. I hinted pretty heavily. I told her I was very depressed and that I wanted to go to bed and never get out and that I didn't want to "be." She was extremely sympathetic, and we talked for awhile, and she said she was going to call me in the morning. I'm not going to have anyone take the gun out of my house. I just can't do that. I read the link that garnet posted. I'm just not sure what I'm living for. For what? Is this like a race where I just need to make it 'till the end? What's the point?
Posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:13:36
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:12:31
I mean I read the link that Bay posted.
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 22:38:10
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:12:31
"I'm not going to have anyone take the gun out of my house. "
-------------
Cass, please reconsider about the gun. When you are not well, moments of unplanned behavior may emerge. Ask the people here - some dissassociate; some have temporary lapses of judgment; some total unexpected breakdowns.
My son's Aunt was ok one day, then her doctor switched her meds to Prozac the very next, told her family/friends "she wasn't feeling right" -"I'm not feeling myself" - no one thought it was serious.
She shot herself in the face the very next day. Her four year old daughter found her in the morning. I bawl my eyes out thinking of what that little girl had to endure finding her Mommy like that.
It is not worth taking the chance.
Posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:55:25
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 22:38:10
Luckily, no little girl will find me. I don't have children. In fact, my dog won't even find me because she'll be at my friend's house this weekend. I honestly wouldn't even want my dog to endure the trauma of seeing or hearing anything like that. As for being on meds, I know antidepressants can make things worse. That's why I haven't gone on one. They've made me feel really bad in the past. If I do it, it's not the meds, it's just that I've been here long enough.
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 23:10:10
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:55:25
Cass, those meds have made me feel very badly as well. They aren't the answer to all of our problems, but sometimes they can help us seperate our emotions from our motivations to enable us to think and function while we get things together.
I hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions, since you seem to want to talk.
What happened to your Dear Husband? Why did you bring your beloved dog to a friend's for the weekend?
Posted by AuntieMel on February 6, 2009, at 23:40:10
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Hey, I know what it feels - to just want to stop the hurt.
I can't promise that you will *ever* stop hurting.
But you won't know that if you give up now.
Tomorrow may suck. And the day after that. But time does have a way of dulling the sharp edges of it and then you can maybe look around and find hope.
No promises. No guarantees. Just lots of chances. Don't throw away those chances.
Posted by Bobby on February 7, 2009, at 0:33:28
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Man--that's heavy Cass. I'm so very sorry. You've been around here on Babble for quite a while(maybe as long as I can remember?) and I'd sure like you to continue posting/lurking for a lot longer. I'm not real sure----but I'd think that you're feelings are normal after such a tradgedy---but I AM real sure going through with them is not normal. I hope you get some much needed help and support--maybe from folks who have lost their loved ones. And it's not that I need the veggie recipes----it's just that it's comforting just to see your name every once and a while. There have been way too many losses here as it is----please spare you life----and please get some company to watch you until the right reasons come back.
Posted by BayLeaf on February 7, 2009, at 8:59:47
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:55:25
when you've had a bad experience with meds its had to beleive they can help. i tried a lot of diff ones before anything worked. when it did, i honestly felt a weight lift from my shoulders and a gray film get scraped off life. it amazed me that a stupid little pill could hit some place in my brain and change anything. but it did.
i once promised someone that before i off'd myself i would try EVERYTHING. you gotta admit, it's a pretty big decision. perhaps you could at least promise yourself the same thing? try everything first?
i've been so depressed i couldn't get out of bed except for toilet obligations. I didn't even eat for days. Couldn't work for a year. Too depressed to apply for SSD.
Meds fixed me up. Not to say I never have a bad spell, but they help me find reasons not to off myself.
Then i found stuff that makes me feel better...filling the void in life is really important, like serving meals at our homeless shelter, or making pets happy, or seeing sunsets, or writing curse words in frosted windows.
Hang on. Bay
Posted by SLS on February 7, 2009, at 11:10:05
In reply to Re: Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 22:55:25
> Luckily, no little girl will find me. I don't have children. In fact, my dog won't even find me because she'll be at my friend's house this weekend. I honestly wouldn't even want my dog to endure the trauma of seeing or hearing anything like that. As for being on meds, I know antidepressants can make things worse. That's why I haven't gone on one. They've made me feel really bad in the past. If I do it, it's not the meds, it's just that I've been here long enough.
If I say anything that is hurtful to you, please disregard it. I just don't know what to say - but I want to say something if it will help you want to live for even one more day.
I really have nothing that I can possibly add to the empathy and compassion that others have offered to you. Your pain and anguish are unique, and yours alone. No one else has lived through - is living through - the exact circumstances that you are now. You are entitled to think and feel suicidally. Who wouldn't? I must say, however, that an individual losing their spouse is not unique. It happens every day. Many people do get through it - especially the ones who are fortunate enough to seek professional help. I suspect that, for right now, you really might not feel that you want to get through it. But your human desire to live is still strong. You wouldn't be posting here looking for reasons to continue living if you had no drive to survive your overwhelming loss.
You could investigate the possibility that you might actually want to try to carry on. You can seek bereavement counseling. Their might be bereavement groups locally. They would be free, and you would be with others who are in similar circumstances. Again, everyone has their unique pain and circumstance. But to be able to share it with others and recieve unconditional support as well as helpful feedback can make things much less heavy and overwhelming.
If you have financial resources or insurance, you could find someone to proceed with one-on-one counseling. A local cinic might provide a sliding-scale or a charity care program if you are short on funds. It would be the most valuable gem that you could ever investment in - YOU!
I feel like writing and writing and writing. Babbling. Your internal and external environments are going to be very difficult for you to navigate alone. We are here, so you won't have to.
I often make things sound too easy and too optomistic. I invite you to yell at me, call me names, curse at me, or anything else that will help me to understand you.
Even though I don't know you, I am sitting here praying that you will choose to live another day.
Take care of yourself.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on February 7, 2009, at 13:37:05
In reply to Re: Suicidal » Cass, posted by SLS on February 7, 2009, at 11:10:05
I just found this and Cass don't know you either. Your hurt and torment must be horrible. Is someone with you? Have you contacted a doctor. Maybe a short term solution. Also don't know the circumstances of what happened to your husband . It doesn't matter I can't imagine how you feel. But please post and agree rant and rave anything that will help. My heart goes out to you. Love Phillipa (((((Cass)))))
Posted by Poet on February 7, 2009, at 14:07:40
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Hi Cass,
I wish you'd reconsider giving someone else the gun to keep under you're feeling better. I know right now you can't fathom ever feeling better, but depression and grief are fogging your thinking.
Try hard to hold on until Monday and call your counselor first thing. Call a friend and tell them that you are suicidal and could s/he come stay with you for the weekend.
Please post and let us know how you are doing.
Poet
Posted by fayeroe on February 7, 2009, at 16:21:05
In reply to Re: Suicidal » Cass, posted by Poet on February 7, 2009, at 14:07:40
Cass, I just found this thread. I am so sorry that you are so much pain right now. I can only imagine how it is to lose a spouse.
I have found two numbers that you can call and someone will talk to you and try to help you sort things out.
1-800-784-2433 and 1-800-273-8255Please talk to us again. Pat
Posted by zenhussy on February 7, 2009, at 19:27:40
In reply to Suicidal, posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Cass,
posting here shows you still have that life spark inside. it might feel dim but you are still alive and still reaching out. that is good.
what you have been through lately sounds awful. what you have described, despite having support around, sounds very very much like grief and depression all swirled up together. please read (or reread) this: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/grief.htm
there is no shame in seeking help. please consider calling any of these hotlines (USA):
1-800-273 TALK (7255)
1-800-784-2433
1-877-870-HOPE (4673)
Canadian/International numbers:
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
Posted by Phillipa on February 7, 2009, at 20:06:18
In reply to please post !!--you're in heart and thoughts » Cass, posted by zenhussy on February 7, 2009, at 19:27:40
What a great post. Cass hope you read it. Love Phillipa
Posted by BayLeaf on February 7, 2009, at 20:59:26
In reply to please post !!--you're in heart and thoughts » Cass, posted by zenhussy on February 7, 2009, at 19:27:40
Posted by BayLeaf on February 8, 2009, at 7:29:39
In reply to Re: yes, please post - worried (nm), posted by BayLeaf on February 7, 2009, at 20:59:26
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20040914/msgs/391750.html
Posted by zenhussy on February 8, 2009, at 11:26:36
In reply to A lovely thread from archive, posted by BayLeaf on February 8, 2009, at 7:29:39
"I seek to be in the present moment more because I know that's where joy is"
you felt that 4+years ago and you can feel that again. you have to live in order to get to that place.
please post. please call someone and express that it is AN EMERGENCY that you not be alone.
you're far too valuable to lose Cass.
Posted by SLS on February 8, 2009, at 16:09:57
In reply to Re: A lovely thread from archive---Cass, posted by zenhussy on February 8, 2009, at 11:26:36
Hi Cass.
:-)
Still praying for you.
Still waiting for you to post.
- Scott
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