Posted by Cass on February 6, 2009, at 20:38:23
Geez, I just wrote a long post, and I somehow deleted it. I'm not sure if I have the energy to write the whole f@*#ing thing over. The upshot of my message is that my husband died, and I do not feel like going on. I feel vulnerable, scared and lonely even though I've had lots of support. I feel like the doctors neglected the seriousness of his illness for too long and because of it he's dead. What should I do, sue? I don't think I have the energy or strength. I'm tired. I don't want to go on. I'm scared. I have about 40 ambein, 50 xanax, a few pain pills and alcohol. I also own a gun. I've left a voicemail for my minister, but I didn't say I was suicidal. I'm not Christian. I do not believe in hell. I was in such a state of shock for awhile after he died, but it's wearing off now. I need help, but in a way I don't want it because I don't want to go on. I just want to be secure and loved like I was with my husband. I believe God will embrace me if I die. My husband is on the other side along with some other wonderful people. They will greet me. It would be so much easier to die. I know I would leave many, many people in pain, and I hate that. I hate it, but I don't feel strong enough to live. I know I need help. I have a counselor, but I don't think he takes emergency calls. His voicemal says if it's an emergency to call 911, like I'm really going to do that. I know I am loved, but it's not enough. I need what my husband gave me. I need him. I need his love. I am not strong enough on my own, and I never was. This weekend I could take my life. I'm on the edge.
poster:Cass
thread:878610
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090116/msgs/878610.html