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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 1:17:33
Is this the destruction of my life or a new beginning?
In the past week:
-took a leave from grad school (cost me $25k to $50k for tuition not used); plus possibly undergrad school have to pay back all the grants and loans for this semester; total loss could be $75000 for this decision.
-my undergraduate degree depends upon the successful completion of my thesis which I cannot do - I wrote 1 and 3/4 pages since December. It is now February.
-lost my health insurance (just today)
-just quit my job - this week - cannot get myself to go there
- just received shut off notices from gas and water companies
- my furnace is dying; it's 5 degrees outside and my furnace only heats the house to 57 degrees
-Mortage payment just went up by another $200 a month and have to sell house; demand for escrows of $1700 due March 1st plus mortage paymetn
-the engine in my car is leaking oil and the exhaust is fallng off; now the hood openor broke and I can't close it or I can't get inside to fill with oil every other dayMy mind and body are both falling apart.
I have done this so many times, started over. I don't think I can do this again.
Posted by Garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 2:19:54
In reply to Life falling apart, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 1:17:33
Maybe I should just buy a bottle of Bushmill's--the 30 year version?
It's been a while!
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2009, at 19:11:55
In reply to Re: Life falling apart, posted by Garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 2:19:54
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))
Sounds like you could desparately use some hugs. I sure hope you have some IRL support people.
Any ONE of all those things would be enough to stress someone out bigtime.I also hope you might have some support phone-lines that you can call.
If there was a magic wand, I'd sure wave if over your situation. So very sorry that this is such an awful time you're going through.
Please keep in touch to let us know how you're coping.
:-)))) Kath
Posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 20:09:47
In reply to Re: Life falling apart » Garnet71, posted by Kath on February 6, 2009, at 19:11:55
Thanks Kath. I've had the opportunity to be with friends for dinners and happy hours the last 2 nights - something I could not venture out to do before I was xxRI free.
Posted by Garnet71 on February 7, 2009, at 14:48:51
In reply to Life falling apart, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 1:17:33
I forgot to add this to the list:
- My son doesn't really understand what's going on with me
My son is taking engineering classes and is actually asking ME for help with some of his math homework problems...lol
I tried to explain to him what's going on; athough he's supportive, he doesn't understand.
I can't just tell him to 'get lost' when he asks me for homework help
I hate that my mental issues affect his life now and in the past.
Posted by Kath on February 7, 2009, at 20:37:25
In reply to Re: Life falling apart » Kath, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 20:09:47
> Thanks Kath. I've had the opportunity to be with friends for dinners and happy hours the last 2 nights - something I could not venture out to do before I was xxRI free.
~ ~ Well that sounds good. I'm glad you have some friends who you can do things with & can support you AND that you're feeling up to joining them.
Not sure what 'xxRI free' means?
:-)) Kath
PS - sorry your son doesn't get it. I would have thought that if he's studying engineering, he would be old enough that he would be able to relate to all your problems causing you stress & perhaps seek help with his schoolwork elsewhere. But maybe you haven't told him all the problems. Does he live with you? I hope you can realize that you have enough to deal with on your own & can encourage him to seek help from teachers, fellow students etc. I find being a parent really hard & I'm sure that my difficulties in having healthy boundaries with my 24 year old son result in part from guilt about the past.
Kath
Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2009, at 0:52:55
In reply to Re: Life falling apart » garnet71, posted by Kath on February 7, 2009, at 20:37:25
Think garnet means it's better for her to not be taking those sorts of AD medications - SSRIs, SNRIs.
Posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:35:46
In reply to Re: Life falling apart » garnet71, posted by Kath on February 7, 2009, at 20:37:25
Thanks again, Kath. BTW, you remind me of someone I know from SC.
My son is 20. He understands, but he doesn't. It's hard to explain. He has ADD and allergies against everything, and although he won't ever admit it, he has self-esteem issues. I've just come to the realization that I have a hard time with boundaries when it comes to people who have health issues, or any sort of weakened state. I'm glad you brought that up.
Oh-xxRI - I just decided to use that instead of using SSRI, SNRI, etc. It seems more appropriate than always specifying or not specifying any.
Thank you for your comment Kath
Posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:51:23
In reply to Life falling apart, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 1:17:33
I'm having thoughts that I should have married my X - the guy who was abusive. I've worked so hard in my life and cannot bear to let it fall apart like this. If I had married him, at least I wouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless and could have finished my education without the stress of working, enduring a 3-4 hour commute to school everyday, and doing it alone. Maybe my sanity would be saved-I think I could have coped with him by redirecting my focus and detaching my emotions from him. I am ashamed to admit this, but at the same time, it's on my mind and has to be said. Is it better to think something and not say it? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
He is not in my life anymore. In fact, he moved a few states over for his job. I couldn't change my mind now if I wanted--I have gained some weight and wouldn't be his arm candy/trophy woman anymore. I also am no longer as desirable since I just dropped out from ivy league school. Nice person, huh? I could have used him and left him later---after all, he used me and sucked all the life out of me. I guess thinking that makes me not such a nice person either. Maybe not. I've been used and abused my whole life.
Maybe I should just give up fighting and play my role as the abused girlfriend or wife, and just accept it after 38 years. Feeling pretty low now. I just don't think I can fight anymore. Fighting the never ending obstacles and adversity. I'm exhausted.
Posted by Phillipa on February 8, 2009, at 12:13:07
In reply to Re: Life falling apart, posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:51:23
I do relate with that. Phillipa
Posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 2:14:37
In reply to Re: Life falling apart, posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:51:23
> I'm having thoughts that I should have married my X - the guy who was abusive.
Thats like me saying I'm gonna go back with my X because I liked it when he beat me. Garnet, if nothing else I would think intellectually you would know better.
I went thru the same thing,(I wasnt addicted to mine) should I have stayed until I saved money, should I have stayed until this,that, and the other thing. You got out in the nic of time. I think everyone in a divorce situation goes through that. But this is different. ITS OVER. HES AN ADDICTION. Please look at this way, Okay? Move on.
I've worked so hard in my life and cannot bear to let it fall apart like this. If I had married him, at least I wouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless and could have finished my education without the stress of working, enduring a 3-4 hour commute to school everyday, and doing it alone. Maybe my sanity would be saved-I think I could have coped with him by redirecting my focus and detaching my emotions from him.Garnet, for a woman of your intelligence, that last sentence is,lets just say, unenlightened.
Please, you know thats a load. Let me tell you about a conversation I had with my Dad just prior to my divorce. "Dad? I just wanted to let you know I'm divorcing JoeBob. He wasn't too surprized, JoeBob kept drinking and carrying on after we had twins. He brought them home drunk once, and he was cheating, which was fine because the thought of s*x with him made me want to vomit. And I'm gonna do it a year from today.(my twins were around 3yrs old).My Dad said why a year? I told him I had no money, no security, etc,etc,etc. He told me to go home THAT DAY and tell him. I did. Did it hurt me financially and every other way? yes. But....I had my dignity. And I survived. It became a challenge to rebuild my life with out a man. And I did it and it felt damn good. My dad was right.
I am ashamed to admit this, but at the same time, it's on my mind and has to be said. Is it better to think something and not say it? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
Its always better to let it out if you feel safe doing it. If you may get replies that will harm you, save those topics for a therapist. Better yet, join a group that addresses what you went thru with this nutcase. Its easier when others have been there. I think those are free so no excuse!!!!
>> He is not in my life anymore. In fact, he moved a few states over for his job. I couldn't change my mind now if I wanted--I have gained some weight and wouldn't be his arm candy/trophy woman anymore. I also am no longer as desirable since I just dropped out from ivy league school.
Garnet, he's a twisted narcisist who cares only about himself. What concerns me is that you are buying into this crap! That last paragraph, why do you beat yourself up like that? Do you want to be arm candy? Or do you want to be loved unconditionally for WHO YOU ARE??? You are no longer desirable to who? HIM? He's literally nobody. I'll never go to an ivy league school. Its possible I could gain 15lbs. I've been in a deep depression for 2 years. Do you think less of me? Please don't become like the very thing you escaped from. You are a real person with real feelings and sooo much to offer. Not ARM CANDY!!!! You deserve so much better. Remember that. In the mean time hang out with the girls, YOUR SON who is not going to be around forever!!! Gosh, use this time to re-connect with your son!!! Forget about men for a while. I think its interfering with your recovery IMHO.Your friend,
~Jade ;-)
Nice person, huh? I could have used him and left him later---after all, he used me and sucked all the life out of me. I guess thinking that makes me not such a nice person either. Maybe not. I've been used and abused my whole life.
Hey, if you coulda gotten out of that with everything and the shirt off his back, I'd have ZERO problem with that. But you are not married, and any contact at this point is just you trying to reconnect. Leave it alone. Like its Cra*k.
>
> Maybe I should just give up fighting and play my role as the abused girlfriend or wife, and just accept it after 38 years. Feeling pretty low now. I just don't think I can fight anymore. Fighting the never ending obstacles and adversity. I'm exhausted.Sorry, I missed this part. You will not give up the fight,and you will not play a role. WAKE UP!!! You are a strong woman, who needs a break. So take it. Stop this "I should just be the subserviant masochist". You are an extremely intelligent woman, probably very attractive, young, and you hit a road block, or maybe you slammed into it. I don't know, but if I made it through the sh*t I did and survived, you can survive this. Yes its a setback. Welcome to middle age. Its a challenge for you to renew, pick yourself up WHEN YOU ARE READY, and start a new life that excites you. There is not one path that has to be taken. I'm sure you've read the "Road Less Traveled" maybe time to get it out again. I haven't looked at my copy for a while.
In my family the women have a slight mean streak, we also love so unconditionaly that our loved ones become part of us. This is the best part of life and the most painful. Get out your mean streak and direct it where it belongs please. Not at you or your son (this is going to hurt him if you keep obsessing about a man that hurts you) If you can't do it for youself do it for him. Be furious at the piece of sh*t that deserves it. Stop internalizing it. I want to go hurt this guy myself now. Run, dont walk to a meeting, go to the meetings, and live your life!
I'm sorry for the ramble Garnet, but this guy is really starting to get on my nerves. And you are letting him keep you down by giving away one more second of your time. Get help please. No guy (sorry all men on board) is worth all this. You need to address this obsession before you can move on in MHO.
I just want you to be rid of this leach and get your life back, because I care, okay?!
Posted by garnet71 on February 9, 2009, at 3:59:46
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » Garnet71, posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 2:14:37
Hey Jade!! I'm still up. I just found the little piece of paper on which I scribbled my endocronologist appointment; it is today at 8 am, in a couple of hours here.
Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! But you know, I am not dwelling over N guy at all; I was being hard on myself for not preventing my life from falling apart (again). There could have been so much I could have done to prevent this, and it is probably more of a natural state of grieving than anything else. I had quit a very good paying job with great benefits, to complete my studies which entailed daytime classes. Had I not quit, my pension would be vested right now, and I would have lifetime medical benefits. It's not about him, it's about me.
Needless to say, I have not not answered his texts/calls/emails for a few weeks now. It takes a lot of self-discipline in doing so; if I talk to him, he would offer to pay my mortgage payments and give me pseudo comfort-not out of benevolence, but out of manipulation, sadism, and for ostensibly self-serving purposes. I had done this in the past and have paid dearly for it-emotionally. If I fall prey to that again, he would punish me by devaluing me in passive-agressive, stealthly ways..it's complicated. Although I had never given up my independence for THAT, I was tempted at times-when things were very good with us (when I was fullfilling his fantasy, his ideal soul mate). I have vowed not to make that mistake again and am standing firm--no matter what happens.
But yeah, the last statement there was very, very lame and indicates a bit of self-loathing. Instead of directing anger at myself, I've recently had 'luck' with processing it via more healthy means. Sometimes, however, old habits are hard to break.
I've met some great people here, but after spending a month or so hanging around, I've come to the conclusion this forum is neither a safe nor a healthy place for me to be.
Thanks for your concern and thoughtfulness. You are a strong and spirited woman!!
Posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 6:19:39
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » JadeKelly, posted by garnet71 on February 9, 2009, at 3:59:46
> Hey Jade!! I'm still up. I just found the little piece of paper on which I scribbled my endocronologist appointment; it is today at 8 am, in a couple of hours here.
>
> Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! But you know, I am not dwelling over N guy at all; I was being hard on myself for not preventing my life from falling apart (again). There could have been so much I could have done to prevent this, and it is probably more of a natural state of grieving than anything else. I had quit a very good paying job with great benefits, to complete my studies which entailed daytime classes. Had I not quit, my pension would be vested right now, and I would have lifetime medical benefits. It's not about him, it's about me.
>
> Needless to say, I have not not answered his texts/calls/emails for a few weeks now. It takes a lot of self-discipline in doing so; if I talk to him, he would offer to pay my mortgage payments and give me pseudo comfort-not out of benevolence, but out of manipulation, sadism, and for ostensibly self-serving purposes. I had done this in the past and have paid dearly for it-emotionally. If I fall prey to that again, he would punish me by devaluing me in passive-agressive, stealthly ways..it's complicated. Although I had never given up my independence for THAT, I was tempted at times-when things were very good with us (when I was fullfilling his fantasy, his ideal soul mate). I have vowed not to make that mistake again and am standing firm--no matter what happens.
>
> But yeah, the last statement there was very, very lame and indicates a bit of self-loathing. Instead of directing anger at myself, I've recently had 'luck' with processing it via more healthy means. Sometimes, however, old habits are hard to break.
>
> I've met some great people here, but after spending a month or so hanging around, I've come to the conclusion this forum is neither a safe nor a healthy place for me to be.
>
> Thanks for your concern and thoughtfulness. You are a strong and spirited woman!Thank you and your welcome!! I hope you find a place where you feel safe, and that I was of some help to you.
~Jade ;-)
Posted by Kath on February 9, 2009, at 16:19:00
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » JadeKelly, posted by garnet71 on February 9, 2009, at 3:59:46
Hi Garnet,
I hope I didn't say anything to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
I wish you all the very best.
:-) Kath
Posted by garnet71 on February 10, 2009, at 14:12:58
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » garnet71, posted by Kath on February 9, 2009, at 16:19:00
> Hi Garnet,
>
> I hope I didn't say anything to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
>
> I wish you all the very best.
>
> :-) Kath
--------------------Kath, sorry I didn't see your post earlier. Of course you did not say anything to upset me.
Not mentally healthy for me because I already overanalyze everything, and being here just encourages it...also distracts me from the million things I have to do..unfortunately, I do so much on my computer that it's tough to avoid checking/spending time at websites that take away from my productivity.
Safe meaning I've come across just a couple of things that trigger me here..nothing that necessarily reflects on any particular individual...I thought I was done with triggers, but have found out that's not the case. Maybe its just something I should deal with rather than run away from? Still have not yet made up my mind about that. This has no bearing on the forum itself (which is a great resource for people)-it's my personal issue.
Thanks and best wishes to you too!!
Posted by Kath on February 10, 2009, at 15:15:11
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » Kath, posted by garnet71 on February 10, 2009, at 14:12:58
Thanks for explaining. I can what feels like 'waste' hours on the computer!!! Feels yucky afterwards!
All the best to you, Kath
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