Posted by Garnet71 on February 8, 2009, at 5:51:23
In reply to Life falling apart, posted by garnet71 on February 6, 2009, at 1:17:33
I'm having thoughts that I should have married my X - the guy who was abusive. I've worked so hard in my life and cannot bear to let it fall apart like this. If I had married him, at least I wouldn't have to worry about becoming homeless and could have finished my education without the stress of working, enduring a 3-4 hour commute to school everyday, and doing it alone. Maybe my sanity would be saved-I think I could have coped with him by redirecting my focus and detaching my emotions from him. I am ashamed to admit this, but at the same time, it's on my mind and has to be said. Is it better to think something and not say it? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
He is not in my life anymore. In fact, he moved a few states over for his job. I couldn't change my mind now if I wanted--I have gained some weight and wouldn't be his arm candy/trophy woman anymore. I also am no longer as desirable since I just dropped out from ivy league school. Nice person, huh? I could have used him and left him later---after all, he used me and sucked all the life out of me. I guess thinking that makes me not such a nice person either. Maybe not. I've been used and abused my whole life.
Maybe I should just give up fighting and play my role as the abused girlfriend or wife, and just accept it after 38 years. Feeling pretty low now. I just don't think I can fight anymore. Fighting the never ending obstacles and adversity. I'm exhausted.
poster:Garnet71
thread:878398
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090116/msgs/878872.html