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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:11:03
I wrote (HERE'S THE TRIGGER) before and (END TRIGGER) after I talk about it, so you can skip over it if you want and it still makes sense. I hope that helps. I just had to tell somebody about it.
I had an appt with my pdoc today, she was supposed to give me a note for approval to go back to work. I stopped at the mailbox on the way, and saw my last 2 checks to them had bounced (because of how I screwed up my checking account the last couple of weeks). I was planning on writing a check today since I get paid on Friday, but I knew they probably wouldn't go for that now.
So I went up there and told them the deal, and after much talk amongst themselves, they said they just couldn't see me without paying and with those two bounced checks. I told her how I was supposed to get a note saying I could go back to work on Tuesday, and she said they couldn't do that without seeing me.
I do understand where they're coming from, when I was waiting I heard another woman that couldn't pay and they were telling her the same thing and she was saying, "But how am I going to get my prescriptions?" All I could think was, this world just sucks.
I went ahead and made an appt for Tue, and hopefully I can work it out with work. My biggest fear is having to talk to my boss. I don't know why but I've built it up to this big scary thing in my head. So I'm hoping I only have to talk to HR.
I honestly I hope the pdoc extends my time off. (HERE'S THE TRIGGER) I just can't stop crying and I keep seeing these images in my head of slitting my wrists. I would never do that because of what it would do to my family, but I can see the allure.(END TRIGGER)
I just feel like I'm a hopeless case and I'll never be able to take care of myself like a normal grown up person. I keep having people tell me I have some exceptional skills and should have no problem getting a job, but I've been applying nonstop for 3 months now! Out of literally hundreds of jobs I've applied for, I've had one interview and two requests for additional information that didn't go anywhere.
And, this is a complete change of subject but, I get so mad when I think of how much work I have done at my current job, above and beyond what is asked for, and I have my other coworkers telling me I know more than anyone else there. But the PsychoBitch just has beat me down for no reason! Its just not fair! For a reasonably normal person, I would make an excellent employee.
I'm just so sad and drained and utterly hopeless right now. I know these feelings will pass (or at least get pushed to the back of my brain so that I can function), but it really sucks when you're right in the middle of experiencing them.
-T
Posted by Angela2 on August 27, 2008, at 11:34:15
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore (trigger), posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:11:03
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 27, 2008, at 11:42:38
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore (trigger), posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:11:03
It is truly so not fair sometimes life. I am sooo Sorry you are having to deal with this bull. You are doing your best to get ahead, and it does not help when these kind of things get in the way for sure. I could go on and on about this, but I won't. I only hope that you can find a way to make it through this too. If I could I would give you a hug. Most I can do, is post and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay strong, and hoping things take a turn for the better.
Peace
Chelle
Posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:59:37
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do anymore (trigger), posted by WaterSapphire on August 27, 2008, at 11:42:38
It helps to know that somewhere out there in the world there are people rooting for me.
-T
Posted by daveuk08 on August 27, 2008, at 12:09:44
In reply to Thanks you guys., posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:59:37
Me to,TC,
You`re dammed if you do,and you`re dammed if you don`t.
(((((((((((TEXAS CHIC))))))))))))))Dave.
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 27, 2008, at 12:30:50
In reply to Thanks you guys., posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:59:37
I am definitely rooting for you.
Being sick and not able to work, I am rooting for
you because it just ain't fair that anything should get in your way. I am rooting big time...WOOT WOOT WOOT!
Praying hard too right now for you. If I ever get well enough to work again, I would sure like for things to go ok too. Money does not grow on trees.
I wish health insurance was free for everyone and that the copays for psychiatrists and therapists was not a deterrent to getting care. HUGS HUGS HUGS
Posted by Phillipa on August 27, 2008, at 12:49:02
In reply to Re: Thanks you guys., posted by WaterSapphire on August 27, 2008, at 12:30:50
Oh I hear you all. In the same position if not good insurance won't see you if you have something chronic insurance is either sky high or you can't get it and who has the money to pay for everything the truly wealthy? T hope it goes well. Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on August 27, 2008, at 17:34:40
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore (trigger), posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:11:03
Texas Chic
Well if I had a business I would hire you just like that (snapping my fingers).
It is crime that your p-doc handled it that way. You can borrow mine. He insists if I can't pay he will see me for free and I feel bad. And I don't go. But then I don't need a note for work. Hm I wonder if I could get you one.
There are good p-docs around though. But I know that doesn't help you. If I was Poet I would give yours a cyberslap. Yours deserves it and sounds like your boss does too.
Here is a hug (((((((TexasChic)))))))))
I know it is hard not to get down. I have been a bed potatoe for two days. I do have a hurt neck but still I am down.
Maybe KK will go with you to talk to your boss. You know how persuasive she can be. In any case,
I am sending good vibes with you and will be with you in spirit when you see your voice. You have the support of Babble behind you girl!!!!
rsk
Posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 17:52:54
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do anymore (trigger)TC, posted by rskontos on August 27, 2008, at 17:34:40
Your words of encouragement really do help. I'll have to keep reminding myself, I have the support of Babble behind me. That sounds funny when you write it out like that. I'll have to be sure and not say it aloud (I do have a tendency to talk to myself in public).
I've been thinking since my last post, and I realized I wasn't upset about the money. It was that I've been wondering if I can get my time off extended or not, and I've been telling myself today I will find out. If I knew for sure I couldn't, then I could start preparing myself mentally for going back to work. But with there still being that little bit of hope, it just messes up my thinking. I guess its the obsessive thing, I need to know what to obsess about.
-T
Posted by obsidian on August 27, 2008, at 21:24:54
In reply to Thanks everybody., posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 17:52:54
just wishing good things for you...
((((tc))))
-sid
Posted by Kath on August 28, 2008, at 14:46:16
In reply to Thanks everybody., posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 17:52:54
((((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))
Oh how I wish it could be a real one.
I'm sending golden light your way & love,
xoxo Kath
PS - sometimes things just seem to be TOO much, right?
Posted by TexasChic on August 28, 2008, at 22:26:13
In reply to Re: Thanks everybody. » TexasChic, posted by Kath on August 28, 2008, at 14:46:16
Thanks you two, I'll imagine you all by my side when I finally have to go back in. My own little hallucinatory support group.
I think I'm getting a little more adjusted to the thought of going back to work. But although I may feel a little less anxious, I feel more depressed. I guess I'm just starting to accept the inevitable. Of course my emotions go back and forth constantly, I may be a mess again tomorrow.
I'll still be pretty freaked out the first day (probably Tuesday) and will probably throw up before I go in, but I'm at least starting to think of the good points about it. Like the people I'll be happy to see, and how it will feel good to actually be working again, and just interacting with other people after a month of almost total solitude. But I also know how fragile I will be and don't know how I'll handle it if things get hairy. Also, we'll be starting our busiest time of the year, so... here comes the maniac hours.
Well, Tuesday I have the doctor's appointment first thing in the morning, so I'll find out then whether or not my time off can be extended. If not, I'll just go in to work that day. I keep expecting my boss to call me between now and then to say, so are you coming back or what? Just the thought of that makes my chest hurt. I guess I better go take a Xanax, talking about how less anxious I am seems to have made me anxious. Go figure.
-t
Posted by Kath on August 29, 2008, at 10:47:21
In reply to Re: Thanks everybody., posted by TexasChic on August 28, 2008, at 22:26:13
(((((((((((TC)))))))))
I will be there - invisible to all!!
I don't know about you - for me, it helps to know what I'm going to say (or sort of what) if people ask or say certain things. Would this help, regarding if your boss phones?
Also, would this help with regard to the first day back?In one way, thinking about it might be stressful, but it might save you from being taken off-guard if you do end up going back Tue.
People sometimes can be pretty nervy:
"So what was wrong with you?" etc. If you know ahead some of your 'reply sentences', it might help it be less stressful?
Yer in my thoghts.
:-) luv, Kath
Posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 12:15:22
In reply to Re: Thanks everybody. » TexasChic, posted by Kath on August 29, 2008, at 10:47:21
Actually, I've been wondering about that exact thing! I would really like some suggestions for a few different scenarios.
1. Authentically concerned co-worker:
Where have you been?
Are you okay?
Were you injured?
2. Nosey/catty co-worker:
What was wrong with you?
Did you have a nice vacation - must be nice.
(Fake) is there anything I can do for you?
3. Boss:
So are you ready for the upcoming busy workload?
Do I need arrange for additional help, I need to know now.
I care about you, keep me updated on how you're doing.
I don't have time to tiptoe around you, are you sure you're ready to take this on?
This doesn't change anything about you being on suspension. [or whatever its called] I still expect your performance to improve. Do you think you can handle that?
Any suggestions to these would be greatly appreciated.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 12:23:00
In reply to Re: Thanks everybody. » TexasChic, posted by Kath on August 29, 2008, at 10:47:21
I think what makes me the most nervous, and what made me the most nervous before I took off, is that I'm supposed to meet weekly with my boss and her boss to discuss whether or not I am improving.
What gets me all panicky is when I think of that, all I can think of is the time I met with her and her boss, and he said there was a person that who has been in my position for a shorter period than I have that is doing better than me. He's talking about one of two people who are graphic artists but do not have the same job as I do. So how could my performance possibly be compared to this person? (I've actually had to show these two how to do some very simple procedures, which lets me know they are still at a much lower level than I am when it comes to Graphic Arts). Of course I tried to ask at the time but he cut me off saying he wasn't going to get into all that.
The reason this particular event makes me especially panicky is because its a prime example of how little he actually knows about my job and the fact that he is obviously going by what my supervisor is telling him. Meaning what I say will never matter. So when I think about these weekly meetings that instance just replays over and over, of me trying to defend myself to someone who couldn't possibly understand and is obviously just siding with my boss.
Then there's the conversations with her where she'll criticize me for things that don't really make any sense (she's especially good at talking in circles - if you know what that is), while I'm sitting there just trying to maintain my dignity.
These conversations are what scare me the most about going back because they always frustrate me and leave me feeling like an idiot because I'm not good at the quick comeback like they are. Later on I'll think, well that question didn't even make sense! But because I had no comeback (because it confused me) I had no answer, which in their eyes proves their point.
I hope that made sense. I just needed to get that out so I could get it straight in my own head.
-T
Posted by Kath on August 29, 2008, at 12:43:55
In reply to The #1 thing that sends me into panic mode., posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 12:23:00
Dear TC,
I'll reply to both your posts. I just don't have time right now.
I'll definitely come up with some ideas of what to say - the way you wrote it out is perfect!
Makes it so easy to respond to.I hope you get lots of feedback on it.
luv & hugs, Kath
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on August 29, 2008, at 15:05:08
In reply to What do I say to people when I go back to work???, posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 12:15:22
T...
It sounds like the same-old same-old. I have sort of been in your position at a job, where I was made to feel very small, like nothing was ever good enough. That also sounds like what is a big part of hurting your mental health. It's like these people enjoy mind-f*ck*ng you around. For the most part, just remember that people who prepare to criticize and chastise you are doing it for their own "wanting to feel special" reasons. Those who cut others down are usually as dense and insensitive as f*ck. It's like some sick S&M thing...they make themselves feel better by being overly-critical.
I know you have little choice right now, but you should really keep your options wide open. Even if you have to take a less-better-paying job, the savings in mental health may be worth it.
Still rootin' for ya..
Jay ;-)
Posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 15:40:41
In reply to Re: What do I say to people when I go back to work??? » TexasChic, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on August 29, 2008, at 15:05:08
Thanks Jay. You're right about taking a lesser paying job for my mental health's sake. One thing I found out on that one interview I went to was that the jobfinder webpage I went through had it set up where it told them how much I was looking to make. I remember checking that option months ago when things weren't quite so dire, but I had completely forgotten about it. So thanks for reminding me, I'm going to go check both places I have my resume posted and make sure they DON'T have how much I'm looking for. I may end up with some offers that are 1/2 what I'm making now, but I would rather weed through those than take the chance of scaring someone off.
-T
Posted by fayeroe on August 30, 2008, at 17:30:27
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore (trigger), posted by TexasChic on August 27, 2008, at 11:11:03
TC, I am sorry that I didn't see this post earlier. It really sucks to be put off by your T. I understand their point of view but it seems that your mental health is just as important, if not more.
I hope you're feeling much better today.
xoxoxo Pat
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2008, at 20:40:02
In reply to What do I say to people when I go back to work???, posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 12:15:22
Hi TC,
I'll give it a try - keep in mind, these are just ideas - obviously I don't know any of these people, but it might give you a jump-off point to think of what you might feel comfortable saying:
> 1. Authentically concerned co-worker:
>
> Where have you been?- "I've been off for a while" probably followed quickly by something to move the conversation along to a more comfortable topic... ex "I've been off for a while, but now it's catch-up time" followed maybe by something else, depending on how involved you are in working with the 'asker'. "......but now it's catch-up time - which reminds me - how has that such-&-such project going?"
Maybe think of various 'follow-up' parts to add for different people. (All this depends on how much time/thought/energy you want to give to it.)
If you keep talking for a bit, you might be able to get their mind OFF of you & onto something else.
> Are you okay?"Yup, I'm okay, thanks for asking.." once again, quickly followed by something to move the conversation along & make it clear in a friendly way that that's all you want to say. Some people might try to pull the conversation back, so you might want to sort of role-play a conversation with yourself, seeing what you can come up with.
I'd be glad to help you in any way I can TC. Even to us posting back & forth with me being your fellow-worker, if you decide you want to.
> Were you injured?
"Oh no. Nope. Thanks for asking" & once again, moving the conversation on in a friendly way.
> 2. Nosey/catty co-worker:
>
> What was wrong with you?This reply would depend on lots of things. On your personality; on theirs; on your relationship with them; on your sense of humour; on theirs.
"You want the epic - or the condensed version? Seriously, thanks for asking. Everything's good now. But I DO have tons of work to get done, so excuse me, but I gotta boogie."
"Oh, nothing I want to dwell on, but thanks for your concern - that's nice of you to ask. Hey, I was wondering about..." (whatever - maybe something to do with the company, etc)
> Did you have a nice vacation - must be nice."Yeah - well I've had nicer ones....now I've got lots of work to get done, so I guess I pay for it now..." (smile) "....anyhow, I really have tons to do today, so excuse me - gotta make every second count"
"Yeah - really!" (smile) "Anyhow, my work awaits me now in piles, so 'scuse me, but...." etc
> (Fake) is there anything I can do for you?
"Apart from helping me attack my workpile?" (smile) "Thanks - really - but ya know, I'm sorry, I have really got to tackle my workload or I'll be here all night!" (smile while walking away, or if they're at your desk, smile & turn to work & get RIGHT into doing it)
You might well need to use a version of the "broken record" technique, which involves saying basically the same thing in different ways, over & over again.
Diversion could be really necessary, so you might want to have LOTS of ideas of diverting things to say; diverting topics.
> 3. Boss:
>
> So are you ready for the upcoming busy workload?"Yup I sure am...." if appropriate (like if she likes to be looked up to): "...so what do you see as being the highest priority?" or "...what would you like to see me tackle first; I was thinking such-&-such but wanted to get your opinion..."
It depends on what she's like & how 'real' you want to be or how much 'sucking up' you feel like doing, etc.> Do I need arrange for additional help, I need to know now.
"Thanks for thinking of that Barb; I need to know what the workload is first before putting you to that trouble." (that's just ONE thought...obviously she might turn what you say against you....you have a way better idea of what she's like.)
>
> I care about you, keep me updated on how you're doing.Depending on what your puke-barometer is....
"Thanks Barb; I will certainly keep you updated &
I appreciate your support."> I don't have time to tiptoe around you, are you sure you're ready to take this on?
"No tiptoeing required..." (smile) "I'm back onboard & looking forward to......" - whatever you might say positive about your job?
I suspect that you're NOT feeling ready - so that's a hard one. How are your feeling about it?
> This doesn't change anything about you being on suspension. [or whatever its called] I still expect your performance to improve. Do you think you can handle that?This is a hard one TC. I wonder how involved HR is in the whole thing. At one point, it seemed like they would be quite involved & very supportive & trying to ensure fairness.
I also am not sure how the time off work was presented to your boss? I'm sorry; I can't remember.
"Oh yes, I realize that. That's my goal certainly."That's a difficult one! I don't know what she's like enough to have a good idea for that one.
I'm here this coming week, and on Saturday, DH & I go away for a week.
love & hugs & support coming your way.
xox Kath
Posted by TexasChic on August 30, 2008, at 23:30:26
In reply to Re: What do I say to people when I go back to work???, posted by Kath on August 30, 2008, at 20:40:02
Thanks you guys! Kath, those were some great answers! The normal polite people will get the hint if get all avoidy and change the subject. Its only the nosy rude ones who would still push to know.
But I went to my T today and she told me some stuff that made me feel much better! She said that the doctor can write my requirements for going back to work, like working half days for a week, and then 6 hours, and then not working over 8 hours a day for a certain number of weeks. The T said there is absolutely nothing my boss can do to change that.
Also I brought in my write up to show her and as I was reading it to her, which was the first time I had looked at it since I got it, it just struck me as so incredibly stupid and vague and overly wordy. And my progress for every single item would be decided soley by my boss's opinion. No other form of measurement. So my T said this could be a time to practice being assertive. She said I should address each point and push for specifics, and ask for examples of how to accomplish this or that. Of course I could really care less at this point about trying to clear things up, but it would be good practice.
So all of that made me feel a lot better. Just knowing I won't have to go back and immediately start working 12-14 hour days is such a relief!
So that's it for now. I'm just gonna try to chill until then. Its funny, when I was talking to my Mom the other day, she actually told me that, "Just try to chill while you have to be there." I just about died laughing. She's just not a person you would imagine saying 'chill'.
-T
Posted by Kath on August 31, 2008, at 20:51:34
In reply to Re: What do I say to people when I go back to work, posted by TexasChic on August 30, 2008, at 23:30:26
So glad about your appointment & all the stuff T came up with.
That's nice TC that your Mom was supportive & said "chill"!! :-))
So do you know when you actually go back?
It sounds like you're feeling a lot more relaxed about it & going back gradually sounds great. Also pushing for very specific 'measuring sticks' for each point from your boss!
Way to go! luv, Kath
Posted by TexasChic on August 31, 2008, at 22:32:40
In reply to Re: What do I say to people when I go back to work » TexasChic, posted by Kath on August 31, 2008, at 20:51:34
I go to the doctor Tuesday morning, but I'm not sure if I'll go in after the appointment or wait until Wednesday, or maybe even later. I'm just going to talk to her and tell her how I feel and ask her what she thinks. This particular doctor (or nurse practitioner, I'm not sure which she is) has always been more generous than I expect. Like I expected her to give me two weeks off and she gave me a month! And she keeps telling me to take my Xanax even though it makes me sleep all day and feel lazy. So we'll see what she says.
I have to admit, I am ready to work, I have been for a while. Its just my old boss I don't want to go back to. But I miss the productive feeling of working hard and accomplishing goals. I could do with a bit of socialization too.
I don't know, I have mixed feelings, I've been a little bummed today. But I missed about a week of my Strattera, which is the med that made me so sick for the first couple of weeks, and I started taking it again last night. So I don't know whether or not I'm going to have to go through all that nausea again. I feel only a slightly nauseas right now. I'm hoping there was enough still in my system that maybe that will be it. So keep your fingers crossed.
As for work, guess we'll see how it goes Tuesday at the pdoc. I'm just going to leave it up to her. I have too many mixed emotions to know exactly what I want to do.
Wish I'd here from some of these jobs already!!!
-T
Posted by Kath on September 3, 2008, at 17:25:16
In reply to Re: What do I say to people when I go back to work » Kath, posted by TexasChic on August 31, 2008, at 22:32:40
You're in my thoughts.
I don't go on the computer every day; wondering how the appointment went.
Hubby & I leave on Saturday for a week away.
luv, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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