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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by ClearSkies on July 25, 2006, at 21:45:14
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex » ClearSkies, posted by Joan797 on July 25, 2006, at 20:47:29
> that's all I ever do, except once every 3 or 4 months I feel sorry for him and do it the ol fashioned way, and it's awful every time.
I think there is a next step there. There are several choices:
Status quo. You know what you have and fear change.
You insist on counselling for yourself and decide to change your marital status.
You insist upon conselling for both of you before any seperation of your relationship can happen.
You take a lover for the It Takes Two, Baby part that is not working.
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2006, at 22:13:31
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex » Joan797, posted by ClearSkies on July 25, 2006, at 20:32:58
Gee Clear Skies we agree!!!!!!Love Phillipa and Joan I can relate truly I can.
Posted by Bobby on July 25, 2006, at 22:54:13
In reply to I cry during and after sex, posted by Joan797 on July 25, 2006, at 19:55:26
at least that's my experience. :)
Posted by Racer on July 26, 2006, at 0:53:44
In reply to I thought all women cried during sex, posted by Bobby on July 25, 2006, at 22:54:13
Posted by llrrrpp on July 26, 2006, at 7:43:05
In reply to I thought all women cried during sex, posted by Bobby on July 25, 2006, at 22:54:13
tears of joy?
;o)
-ll
Posted by wishingstar on July 26, 2006, at 15:47:19
In reply to I cry during and after sex, posted by Joan797 on July 25, 2006, at 19:55:26
Hi Joan, I dont have much intelligent to add, but I just wanted to say that I can relate. I am young (in my 20s) and unmarried, but I am in a long-term relationship in which I only have sex maybe once every 3-4 months. I too am not particularly attracted to my partner anymore, and I really believe this is the (biggest) cause. It's hard for such an intimate act to NOT feel violating if you really dont feel positively for the person. Of course that is not true for everyone - some people have no problem with casual sexual relationships, and that's perfectly fine - but for me, and maybe you, it just doesnt work the way I wish it did. I know the feeling of doing it just because you feel like you need to (as you mentioned in another response). Like I said, no great advice.. just that you're not alone. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about it.
Posted by Declan on July 26, 2006, at 21:26:09
In reply to I cry during and after sex, posted by Joan797 on July 25, 2006, at 19:55:26
Bad sex is much worse than no sex.
We don't really need sex anyway, but we do need intimacy and surrender.
Sometimes we (your partner?, me) mistakenly think that sex will give these to us.
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2006, at 21:45:58
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex, posted by Declan on July 26, 2006, at 21:26:09
Declan true. Love Phillipa
Posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 7:28:45
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex, posted by wishingstar on July 26, 2006, at 15:47:19
The last time what triggered it was he said, "I was beginning to think you didn't want me" because it had been so long. That was exactly the truth. It's so very disheartening to me to come to the realization that after 20 years, I am no longer in love, no longer desire him in anyway, and am questioning myself if I ever did. And if not, what a huge waste of my life.
Posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 7:35:16
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex, posted by Declan on July 26, 2006, at 21:26:09
I am not one of those people who think that sex and love do not have to coincide. I have a friend who said "what does sex have to do with love, who said they had to go together"....but see, I think they do.
And then of course there is the fact that it is painful. But the little gyno chicky said that all these bumps and growths on the inside are "very common, many women have them, and yes, sometimes they make sex painful" well thank you Shirlie Temple, glad to know that in your glowing youth, you don't have to deal with this, I think I'll take my fibroids elsewhere.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 27, 2006, at 15:31:01
In reply to I thought all women cried during sex, posted by Bobby on July 25, 2006, at 22:54:13
Posted by Bobby on July 27, 2006, at 17:29:15
In reply to Re: Better than laughing (nm) » Bobby, posted by AuntieMel on July 27, 2006, at 15:31:01
It's a thin line.
Posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 23:26:18
In reply to I cry during and after sex, posted by Joan797 on July 25, 2006, at 19:55:26
Please don't make light of this, I find it very hurtful. This is a serious issue to me and perhaps I have taken it to the wrong board, but it isn't funny to me. To see someone making light of my issues makes me feel stupid for bringing them up. I realize your comments are not directed at me, but it's like standing up at a AA meeting and saying "You hear the one about the drunk and the prostitute?"
Posted by Gabbi~G on July 28, 2006, at 0:41:47
In reply to Re: Please Don't Bobby, Etc., posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 23:26:18
I understand the topic personally and think it must have taken a lot out of you to bring it up.
It's about grief really, to me, that's what it felt like, grieving, but I never knew what for exactly.
I'm sorry you were hurt by the continuing jokes, I'd have felt the same way.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 28, 2006, at 1:11:23
In reply to Re: Please Don't (((Joan))) » Joan797, posted by Gabbi~G on July 28, 2006, at 0:41:47
I'm sorry Joan,
I made light of this sensitive topic. I'm sorry you're hurting. I should have been kinder.-ll
Posted by Bobby on July 28, 2006, at 9:52:14
In reply to Re: Please Don't Bobby, Etc., posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 23:26:18
I'm sorry Joan. I shouldn't have jumped in on this post. I certainly didn't mean to make you uncomortable. Please accept my apology.
Posted by Declan on July 28, 2006, at 14:42:06
In reply to Re: I cry during and after sex » wishingstar, posted by Joan797 on July 27, 2006, at 7:28:45
It might be some dubious formula of words, but I think that life is largely wasted and largely pointless and that OK.
To have spent 20 years in a marriage and fall out of love is absolutely normal.
What is bad is to end your life with someone hating/despising each other.
And that happens often enough.
Posted by Joan797 on July 28, 2006, at 23:55:36
In reply to Re: Please Don't Bobby, Etc. » Joan797, posted by Bobby on July 28, 2006, at 9:52:14
Actually I did laugh at your joke at first, but it just seemed to continue on and get fed...
Having said that, I have to say this, you didn't do anything I haven't done or thought about doing in the past, so forget it. I know you didn't mean any harm and didn't direct it towards me. I just wanted the joking banter to stop........Guess I singled you out, and I'm the one who is sorry. Bygones are bygones, and I don't hold any ill feelings.
I'm over it now, it's not a big deal, and lets just forget it, in fact, I'd like to forget I ever posted this thread in the first place.
Life goes on, and so shall I.
Joan.
Posted by Joan797 on July 28, 2006, at 23:56:47
In reply to Wasted Life » Joan797, posted by Declan on July 28, 2006, at 14:42:06
Pathetic is what it is.
Sad and pathetic to stay here when I so obviously should leave.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 29, 2006, at 0:35:19
In reply to Re: Wasted Life » Declan, posted by Joan797 on July 28, 2006, at 23:56:47
> Pathetic is what it is.
> Sad and pathetic to stay here when I so obviously should leave.Don't leave Joan,
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I wish I could help. It sounds like your ob/gyn is not sympathetic, and that this is really affecting your life. I wish you could find some relief- is it possible to see another ob/gyn, or talk to your GP about fibroid issues?The desire to have sex every once in a while, just because it's something that married people do, and not because it's something that you are looking forward to will definitely make it more difficult to get the sexual response that makes things comfortable physically and psychologically.
In terms of physical discomfort, there are a lot of lubrications that lots of couples use for fun, or out of necessity. definitely worth trying out and playing around with. Also some topical treatments that contain (hormones?) which may help restore thinning tissues.
In terms of psychological discomfort-- often a good snuggle and a deep conversation is more satisfying than a mindless sexual encounter. If it's physical closeness you desire, you can try cuddling with your spouse, or your kids, or even massage therapy, ballroom dance etc to get the physical touch that humans need. The main thing is to feel safe and nurtured. It's funny how holding hands with my husband can touch my heart as much as anything else in the repertoire. The main thing is to allow myself to "feel" it-- to pay attention to the warmth of his palm, and the scratchy callouses, and the length of his fingers compared to mine. If you push away even the simplest physical contact with your spouse, it's really difficult to feel safe when you have sex. (kind of like jumping off the high dive when you've been stomping in puddles for most of your life).
Anyways, these are my ramblings. hope some of it made sense. (((hugs for you, Joan))). I don't want you to leave. Please stay
yours,
-ll
Posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 7:58:01
In reply to getting close » Joan797, posted by llrrrpp on July 29, 2006, at 0:35:19
I meant leave my marriage, not leave this website.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 29, 2006, at 9:56:51
In reply to Re: getting close » llrrrpp, posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 7:58:01
Ahh- got it. well, regardless of what you need to do with your marriage, I truly hope that you will stay on psycho-babble.
-ll
p.s. have you and your husband done any kind of couples therapy? Is it your sense that the relationship is beyond repair? What is the reason why you've grown apart- Is it just a symptom of a mental illness concern on your part (i.e. once you get your personal depression treated it may resolve some issues in the marriage). Sorry to pry, I just want to get a better sense of what's going on so that I don't say anything stupider than I usually do.
Posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 20:50:24
In reply to Re: getting close » Joan797, posted by llrrrpp on July 29, 2006, at 9:56:51
My teeny bopper gyno (she looks like she's 12) has explained to me in a not so sympathetic way that everything I am going through is simply just pre-menopausal stuff that is "like soooooo normal for women who are like, you know, getting older" and exploratory surgery found tumors but they don't need to be removed until the pain is "unbearable" which makes a tough old bird like me want to prove that I can handle the pain.
As far as the husband thing, I can sum it up in two sentences.
I'm a 41 year old woman who has grown in mind and body and is continuing to learn and seak new information with an open mind.
My husband is the most unyielding closed minded insecure person I have ever met, and uses mind manipulation to control me and belittle me into submition.
Don't dare say what you feel darling, for you might be considered a bitch.
Posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2006, at 21:43:43
In reply to Re: getting close » llrrrpp, posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 20:50:24
Joan I've been through menopause and that's when depression and anxiety became unbearable. I married a man l3yrs younger than me. I warned him that I would be some much older than him in a few years. And now he's seeing it. His fault not mine. I deserve to be retired now not trying to find another nursing job. Been there done that. I want to travel and enjoy life. So I don't know what to do. This is not my first marriage should I have stayed with a cheater and hoped he became impotent that this stage of life. All I want is snuggling. Love Phillipa
Posted by llrrrpp on July 30, 2006, at 1:30:10
In reply to Re: getting close » llrrrpp, posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 20:50:24
you deserve better than a man who is trying to keep you down. (((((Joan))))
Can you ask to see a more mature gyno, or at least one who has some more common sense?
Anyways, any sense of what you're going to do next?
anyways, think about the surgery- don't try to tough it out just to prove a point. Be kind to yourself.
and I guess the same advice goes for separating from your husband.
-ll
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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