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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
hi, again, guys,
boy..what a time i'm having...i don't even know where to start..all this happiness and exuberance around here..i feel so disconnected. i am not in that place right now. and i am sure there are quite a few others not in that place, too. sometimes it feels like you're the only one not at the party, you know? it's ok. i know.i am back where i started, a year ago...on the street. with my boyfriend...he is around me a lot more lately...which bothers me greatly, because for the past, say, half a year he had *no* time for me. none. i finally got used to it after a painful emotional transition..became unbonded..ready to move on..and now he is right here..everything i say...he rages at me. i cannot express how that feels...i am on eggshells all the time..have started talking to myself to comfort myself with the anxiety he produces in me. i plug my ears sometimes but can't now b/c he threatens to leave me if i do that..and i can't be all alone out here. i am getting into a strange mental place, sort of, to deal with that. i feel like i am in the presence of the devil himself sometimes.
i don't care at all what ppl think of me anymore..if they walk away..they walk away. this is where i am destined to be right now. i must have spiritual lessons left to learn, or teach. i have some ego that still needs to be stripped away. i need to operate in the essence of caring, rather than pride. exist in a realm of emotion, not intellect. i know i sound a bit out there right now...i just feel so in touch with the depths of my soul right now. or maybe i'm just trying to attach some meaning to all this pain and hardship. one thing i do know...i am experiencing this for a reason. all of this..my whole life. god, i wish i knew what it was. i feel like i may have ptsd...again. i can't relate to anyone..there's a glass wall, it feels like, between me and others.
i called my mom today...crying on the phone...asking her to please help me...that this year has been hell and for one reason or another i can't seem to get on my feet...i told her the other day after she was judging me and where i am right now that at least i was still here..still trying. that some ppl in my situation might've killed themselves by now..and do, every day. i just wanted her for once to have some compassion for how hard it's been for me..instead of just judging me. and blaming me. oh, i could do some blaming of her if i so chose...but what good would that do. i don't operate that way anyway. she didn't even remember my birthday, when i called her the other day. neither did my boyfriend.
the anniversary of my brother's death is approaching..june 1st. funny how anniversaries make you think. i think he may have been one of the only true friends i ever had. although he was a bit more distant than i was. not always there. although before he died, for my birthday, he gave me a card he must've carefully picked out, with just a heart on the cover and inside it, just his writing. he wrote "happy...um..barf-day" or something silly like that. he signed it "your loving bro". it was really sweet. my ex saw it and threw the card away. that's all i really had of him. funny how this time of year makes you think about suicide more than others. i don't have the guts to take my life though. it's not an easy thing to do.
i needed to let ppl know what i'm going through...i'm sorry..i can't be upbeat and all that..the stress is getting to me too much. i am feeling like i might start withdrawing...i just don't feel the same right now. i've actually been sitting here looking at pictures of jesus (or, rather, ppl's interpretations concerning what he might have looked like).
thanks so much for getting through this post...i needed to write it. i need to be known by you guys, for some ungodly reason lol. it was hard to write this. and scary. i am afraid it might cost me. if so, i can accept that. i want to reveal my spirit to you all.
still trying to love,
amyp.s. i just reread what i wrote and have the disconcerting feeling that some of you are gonna think i'm a nutcase. :) i actually just kinda skimmed proofing it cause i'm afraid i won't have the guts to post it otherwise.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 25, 2006, at 12:33:02
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
First of all - Happy Birthday ((((((((Alesta))))))))
I'm so sorry you're in the position that you find yourself. You have a strength and endurance that is just beyond my comprehension. I'm truly in awe of you.
My family has been my constant. Constant source of disappointment, that is. The one place where we want understanding, compassion, sympathy, and help, is often the place where we won't be able to find it. I no longer confide much in anyone I'm related to, because it breaks my heart to be so misunderstood. Somehow it seems that we have to relate to other people (like us here at Babble, maybe?) who have been "there", wherever "there" is.
Aimes, keep safe, keep protected, keep going. I know that you can keep going, because you're a strong woman.
ClearSkies
Posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 12:48:20
In reply to Re: serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger*** » alesta, posted by ClearSkies on May 25, 2006, at 12:33:02
> First of all - Happy Birthday ((((((((Alesta))))))))
>
> I'm so sorry you're in the position that you find yourself. You have a strength and endurance that is just beyond my comprehension. I'm truly in awe of you.
>
> My family has been my constant. Constant source of disappointment, that is. The one place where we want understanding, compassion, sympathy, and help, is often the place where we won't be able to find it. I no longer confide much in anyone I'm related to, because it breaks my heart to be so misunderstood. Somehow it seems that we have to relate to other people (like us here at Babble, maybe?) who have been "there", wherever "there" is.
>
> Aimes, keep safe, keep protected, keep going. I know that you can keep going, because you're a strong woman.
> ClearSkiesclearskies...you know just the words to say, my sweet friend :)...and you are so always there for me. your kindness is beyond appreciated..as it means so much. ((((((((clearskies))))))) maybe we can be family to each other..aye? i think this is one of those posts i'm gonna print out and carry with me. thank you, my dear friend.:-) and bless you.:):):) do have a great day please!:-)
sending love,:)
amy
Posted by ClearSkies on May 25, 2006, at 12:52:39
In reply to Re: serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger*** » ClearSkies, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 12:48:20
Hmm. If you print out a post, does that make me pulished? lol
ClearSkies
frustrated writer of shopping lists, unpublished....Alesta, we're here for you. If you aren't heard, then post again! I admit to not reading everything that's here, sometimes for my own protection, but I try to reach out to others as this special place has done for me so many times.
CS
Posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 13:05:41
In reply to Wow - » alesta, posted by ClearSkies on May 25, 2006, at 12:52:39
> Hmm. If you print out a post, does that make me pulished? lol
lol, that's cute! :)
Posted by llrrrpp on May 25, 2006, at 13:36:57
In reply to Re: Wow - » ClearSkies, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 13:05:41
hi Amy,
I don't know you at all, and I haven't had experiences like yours, but reading your post I felt very close to your heart. I think it's because you still know, somewhere, who you are, and what you can do. And you are strong at the core, it's just that there are too many poisons in your life right now. The people who you wish could support you refuse to see you for who you are and what you can do. But YOU still know who you are. That's why you can write with sincerity and honesty and make yourself vulnerable.You don't sound like a nutcase at all. You sound like a brave person who is carrying a great burden and doing the best job you can. I hope you can find some way not to carry that burden forever. The more you talk about it and share it with the right people, then we can help you carry.
Take Care,
ll
Posted by kid47 on May 25, 2006, at 13:44:53
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
Hey. Sorry to hear things are pretty rough in your world. When I read posts.....I get.....like probably everyone at babble.....certain impressions of people. Here is my take....for what it's worth. You are real smart, articulate, insightful, funny,caring, diplomatic, wise (duh) and just all around pretty darn swell. Like most of us here, you likely suffer with some sort of aberrant brain chemistry, which you didn't ask for, don't want, and wish would just go the hell away!! Now I know this isn't much of a revelation, but I think because of the insidious nature of mood disorders, eventually we can forget that we are some of the most human of human beings (whatever that means). I think when we have been lucky enough to emerge from the blackness and confusion, our reward (or maybe punishment) is an exquisitely developed sense of the suffering around us...I think these trials by fire, in some ways, might enhance our sensibilities. Although I guess I'm not really sure whether being crazy makes us this way, or being this way makes us crazy. I guess the point to this tirade (if there is a point) is when your world is crashing down around you, please remeber you are most definitely not alone. That there are others like yourself that feel very connected to you....even though you may not always be aware of them. I wish I could do or say something to at least makes things a little easier for you, but I don't think I possess that ability. I do try and remember that sadness, hardship, joy, love, fear, laughing, crying, hope and hoplesness are all part of the package. Please don't ever take for granted or underestimate what a truly amazing spirit you are.
Peace and Happiness
kid> hi, again, guys,
> boy..what a time i'm having...i don't even know where to start..all this happiness and exuberance around here..i feel so disconnected. i am not in that place right now. and i am sure there are quite a few others not in that place, too. sometimes it feels like you're the only one not at the party, you know? it's ok. i know.
>
> i am back where i started, a year ago...on the street. with my boyfriend...he is around me a lot more lately...which bothers me greatly, because for the past, say, half a year he had *no* time for me. none. i finally got used to it after a painful emotional transition..became unbonded..ready to move on..and now he is right here..everything i say...he rages at me. i cannot express how that feels...i am on eggshells all the time..have started talking to myself to comfort myself with the anxiety he produces in me. i plug my ears sometimes but can't now b/c he threatens to leave me if i do that..and i can't be all alone out here. i am getting into a strange mental place, sort of, to deal with that. i feel like i am in the presence of the devil himself sometimes.
>
> i don't care at all what ppl think of me anymore..if they walk away..they walk away. this is where i am destined to be right now. i must have spiritual lessons left to learn, or teach. i have some ego that still needs to be stripped away. i need to operate in the essence of caring, rather than pride. exist in a realm of emotion, not intellect. i know i sound a bit out there right now...i just feel so in touch with the depths of my soul right now. or maybe i'm just trying to attach some meaning to all this pain and hardship. one thing i do know...i am experiencing this for a reason. all of this..my whole life. god, i wish i knew what it was. i feel like i may have ptsd...again. i can't relate to anyone..there's a glass wall, it feels like, between me and others.
>
> i called my mom today...crying on the phone...asking her to please help me...that this year has been hell and for one reason or another i can't seem to get on my feet...i told her the other day after she was judging me and where i am right now that at least i was still here..still trying. that some ppl in my situation might've killed themselves by now..and do, every day. i just wanted her for once to have some compassion for how hard it's been for me..instead of just judging me. and blaming me. oh, i could do some blaming of her if i so chose...but what good would that do. i don't operate that way anyway. she didn't even remember my birthday, when i called her the other day. neither did my boyfriend.
>
> the anniversary of my brother's death is approaching..june 1st. funny how anniversaries make you think. i think he may have been one of the only true friends i ever had. although he was a bit more distant than i was. not always there. although before he died, for my birthday, he gave me a card he must've carefully picked out, with just a heart on the cover and inside it, just his writing. he wrote "happy...um..barf-day" or something silly like that. he signed it "your loving bro". it was really sweet. my ex saw it and threw the card away. that's all i really had of him. funny how this time of year makes you think about suicide more than others. i don't have the guts to take my life though. it's not an easy thing to do.
>
> i needed to let ppl know what i'm going through...i'm sorry..i can't be upbeat and all that..the stress is getting to me too much. i am feeling like i might start withdrawing...i just don't feel the same right now. i've actually been sitting here looking at pictures of jesus (or, rather, ppl's interpretations concerning what he might have looked like).
>
> thanks so much for getting through this post...i needed to write it. i need to be known by you guys, for some ungodly reason lol. it was hard to write this. and scary. i am afraid it might cost me. if so, i can accept that. i want to reveal my spirit to you all.
>
> still trying to love,
> amy
>
> p.s. i just reread what i wrote and have the disconcerting feeling that some of you are gonna think i'm a nutcase. :) i actually just kinda skimmed proofing it cause i'm afraid i won't have the guts to post it otherwise.
Posted by B2chica on May 25, 2006, at 13:56:37
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
((((((alesta))))))))
i can't say anything more profound that what's already been said but know i care. and i'm sorry you are going through such cr@p right now.
we Do expect our families to be there for us, but that's not always the case. and some people just don't understand that...but we do.
babble has become my family. and i'm very grateful for that.and FWIW Have a Very Happy Birthday.
cares
b2c.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 16:27:29
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
Awwww, amy darling, what a trial your life has become.
{{{{{{{{{{Amy}}}}}}}}}
> i don't care at all what ppl think of me anymore..if they walk away..they walk away. this is where i am destined to be right now. i must have spiritual lessons left to learn, or teach. i have some ego that still needs to be stripped away. i need to operate in the essence of caring, rather than pride. exist in a realm of emotion, not intellect. i know i sound a bit out there right now...i just feel so in touch with the depths of my soul right now. or maybe i'm just trying to attach some meaning to all this pain and hardship. one thing i do know...i am experiencing this for a reason. all of this..my whole life.
Hold on to that thought. Hold on for dear life. Yes, there is reason in it all. You will know things that rich men can never learn. You will know what *really* matters. What human beings need. You will have that knowledge. And you will never fail to offer back to others what you know you need. You will have that wisdom.
Hold a mirror to your heart, and feel your own spirit. You cast a warm shadow over all you touch, amy.
This too, shall pass. And all will be well.
Amy, there's more than enough love here for you, too. There's always room for another, in our hearts. A mother doesn't love her first child less, when she has another. Miraculously, our hearts can expand as far as we want them to.
You're not spoiling the party, here, ame. We'll just set another plate at the table. Lots to go around. And you can come back for seconds, any time you want. 'Kay?
I'll give you seconds, right now.
{{{{{{{{Amy}}}}}}}}
Love,
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 16:41:46
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
Posted by TexasChic on May 25, 2006, at 18:16:22
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Alot of women think they're better off with a crappy guy than all alone, but its just not true. You deserve so much better. Have you thought of going to a women's shelter?
I know what you mean about your family. I've found there is no relying on mine for anything. They all forgot my birthday too. But I found that I can rely on ME, and that's all that matters. You just have to find it inside you. Believe me, if I can do it anyone can.
I hope things get better for you soon. I'm sending good vibes your way. (That's my version of praying for you).
Oh, and Happy Birthday!!!
-T
Posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2006, at 19:05:41
In reply to Re: serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigge » alesta, posted by TexasChic on May 25, 2006, at 18:16:22
Amy you are a wise and wonderful person I hear it in your posts and you do deserve better. YOu are kind of lost right now. But you will find your way. Hang in there and Happy Birthday my friend. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on May 25, 2006, at 21:59:56
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
((((((((((((Amy))))))))))))))
Happy birthday Amy.
It sounds like you're stuck in a bad situation. I think you deserve much better than what your boyfriend is giving you. You deserve to be loved at all times and not the object of rage, but I understand that you feel like you must stay with him. It must be scary living out on the streets, especially alone. I trust that you will make the best decision for *you* Amy. Only you know what you need right now. Just know that there is help out there for you.
I'm sorry I haven't been there for you all the time Amy. I tend to get self absorbed a lot of the times, but I'm slowly learning to take notice of others more. You don't need to feel bad about writing about your experiences here. Vent away. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by wildcardII on May 26, 2006, at 9:06:50
In reply to Happy Belated Birthday, Amester!!!!!!! :-) (nm) » alesta, posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 16:41:46
Posted by alesta on May 27, 2006, at 20:26:27
In reply to serious, long 'update' post ***possible Trigger***, posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
i just wanted to say real quick that i'm ok..i'm off the street...i'm at my mom's....not allowed to be on computer...but wanted to let y'all know..my god, maybe there's an end to this hell...this particular aspect of it, anyway...thank you guys so incredibly much for writing. again, sorry for the brevity here...
love,:-)
amy
Posted by alesta on May 27, 2006, at 20:40:32
In reply to Alesta, posted by kid47 on May 25, 2006, at 13:44:53
kid47, you are an absolute gem. that is one of the kindest posts i've ever read...and just when i needed it...how'd you know?:-)thank you for showing me such kindness and kind words, kid...btw, i think you and i are kind of alike in a way...or maybe it's just me.:) anyways, maybe if i end up in missouri we can have a cup of java togther...or a brewski...your choice. :0)
you are quite beautiful yourself, kid. and, of course, intelligent...
love, and wishing you a "perfect day"! (lol!) :-)
amy
Posted by Phil on May 28, 2006, at 4:14:53
In reply to i'm doing better....:), posted by alesta on May 27, 2006, at 20:26:27
Great news!!
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2006, at 8:37:56
In reply to i'm doing better....:), posted by alesta on May 27, 2006, at 20:26:27
> i just wanted to say real quick that i'm ok..i'm off the street...i'm at my mom's.
Oh, shiselick. What a relief!
I know there are many people on the streets. I work with street people, a lot. But it's different, when it's somebody you care about.
I'm really glad your mom stepped up. I hope that, too, turns out to be a blessing. That it was your mom.
> ...not allowed to be on computer...but wanted to let y'all know..my god, maybe there's an end to this hell.
Of course there is! All will be well, in the end, Amester. If it ain't well, it ain't the end. A'ight?
> ..this particular aspect of it, anyway...thank you guys so incredibly much for writing. again, sorry for the brevity here...
>
> love,:-)
> amy{{{{{{{{{{{{{{amy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Lar
Posted by Kath on June 1, 2006, at 15:52:00
In reply to i'm doing better....:), posted by alesta on May 27, 2006, at 20:26:27
(((((((((Amy))))))))))) happy belated Birthday. I'm so glad things are looking up. Hope things keep improving & that you keep feeling better.You sound very sensitive & so often that translates into having a lot of pain in life. But sensitive people are pretty darned special.
xoxo Kath
> i just wanted to say real quick that i'm ok..i'm off the street...i'm at my mom's....not allowed to be on computer...but wanted to let y'all know..my god, maybe there's an end to this hell...this particular aspect of it, anyway...thank you guys so incredibly much for writing. again, sorry for the brevity here...
>
> love,:-)
> amy
Posted by alesta on June 26, 2006, at 15:02:05
In reply to Re: i'm doing better....:) » alesta, posted by Kath on June 1, 2006, at 15:52:00
hi kath...i'm sorry i never thanked you for your kind reply! i hope you are doing okay. you are real sweet and thought you could use a few extra hugs today!
(((((((kath)))))))))
have a great one!:)
aim
Posted by Kath on June 29, 2006, at 16:54:30
In reply to kathy dear :-) » Kath, posted by alesta on June 26, 2006, at 15:02:05
Hi A - I can always use hugs!!
I'm just reading this today. I've been away camping & got back last evening.
Hope you're well.
:-))) Kath
hi kath...i'm sorry i never thanked you for your kind reply! i hope you are doing okay. you are real sweet and thought you could use a few extra hugs today!
>
> (((((((kath)))))))))
>
> have a great one!:)
> aim
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