Posted by alesta on May 25, 2006, at 11:51:46
hi, again, guys,
boy..what a time i'm having...i don't even know where to start..all this happiness and exuberance around here..i feel so disconnected. i am not in that place right now. and i am sure there are quite a few others not in that place, too. sometimes it feels like you're the only one not at the party, you know? it's ok. i know.i am back where i started, a year ago...on the street. with my boyfriend...he is around me a lot more lately...which bothers me greatly, because for the past, say, half a year he had *no* time for me. none. i finally got used to it after a painful emotional transition..became unbonded..ready to move on..and now he is right here..everything i say...he rages at me. i cannot express how that feels...i am on eggshells all the time..have started talking to myself to comfort myself with the anxiety he produces in me. i plug my ears sometimes but can't now b/c he threatens to leave me if i do that..and i can't be all alone out here. i am getting into a strange mental place, sort of, to deal with that. i feel like i am in the presence of the devil himself sometimes.
i don't care at all what ppl think of me anymore..if they walk away..they walk away. this is where i am destined to be right now. i must have spiritual lessons left to learn, or teach. i have some ego that still needs to be stripped away. i need to operate in the essence of caring, rather than pride. exist in a realm of emotion, not intellect. i know i sound a bit out there right now...i just feel so in touch with the depths of my soul right now. or maybe i'm just trying to attach some meaning to all this pain and hardship. one thing i do know...i am experiencing this for a reason. all of this..my whole life. god, i wish i knew what it was. i feel like i may have ptsd...again. i can't relate to anyone..there's a glass wall, it feels like, between me and others.
i called my mom today...crying on the phone...asking her to please help me...that this year has been hell and for one reason or another i can't seem to get on my feet...i told her the other day after she was judging me and where i am right now that at least i was still here..still trying. that some ppl in my situation might've killed themselves by now..and do, every day. i just wanted her for once to have some compassion for how hard it's been for me..instead of just judging me. and blaming me. oh, i could do some blaming of her if i so chose...but what good would that do. i don't operate that way anyway. she didn't even remember my birthday, when i called her the other day. neither did my boyfriend.
the anniversary of my brother's death is approaching..june 1st. funny how anniversaries make you think. i think he may have been one of the only true friends i ever had. although he was a bit more distant than i was. not always there. although before he died, for my birthday, he gave me a card he must've carefully picked out, with just a heart on the cover and inside it, just his writing. he wrote "happy...um..barf-day" or something silly like that. he signed it "your loving bro". it was really sweet. my ex saw it and threw the card away. that's all i really had of him. funny how this time of year makes you think about suicide more than others. i don't have the guts to take my life though. it's not an easy thing to do.
i needed to let ppl know what i'm going through...i'm sorry..i can't be upbeat and all that..the stress is getting to me too much. i am feeling like i might start withdrawing...i just don't feel the same right now. i've actually been sitting here looking at pictures of jesus (or, rather, ppl's interpretations concerning what he might have looked like).
thanks so much for getting through this post...i needed to write it. i need to be known by you guys, for some ungodly reason lol. it was hard to write this. and scary. i am afraid it might cost me. if so, i can accept that. i want to reveal my spirit to you all.
still trying to love,
amyp.s. i just reread what i wrote and have the disconcerting feeling that some of you are gonna think i'm a nutcase. :) i actually just kinda skimmed proofing it cause i'm afraid i won't have the guts to post it otherwise.
poster:alesta
thread:648366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/648366.html