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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
I was a cutter for 13 years. I stopped 12 years ago and I am on the verge of going back. All I can think about is harming myself. I know people get triggered here so I won't describe what I want to do, I just want to harm myself and I know concretely how I want to do it. It will not result in death or an emergency room, just pain.
I did something I shouldn't have done - I had a one-night stand. I'm being judged very harshly by my friends who were present, as well as my shrink, who equated the selfishness of having a one-night stand with child molestation (normally she's not such a pathetic counselor, but I suppose we all fall down on the job sometimes) (don't worry, the man I had the affair with was 35 and there were no children involved, she was just being punishing while I sat there and cried).
I haven't told my husband about the affair. I think he would leave me. The friends I would normally go to for support are the ones judging me so harshly. And yes, they've had affairs while being married also, so what makes them so much better than me I'm not quite sure.
I am struggling so hard, I feel like I'm at the tipping point. A few nights ago I didn't sleep at all. I had 6 milligrams of Ativan and 4 drinks over the course of the night and I still didn't sleep. (I know, don't mix. I know. But I have a 12 year track record I'm trying really hard to keep in tact right now and that night it felt like anything that would keep me from self-injury was good enough).
I have a solid plan for tonight:
1. Stay late at work
2. Pick up my husband at the barber shop and take him home
3. Do the grocery shopping
4. Grill hamburgers for dinner
5. Check my computer and look for reassuring messages from this post.
6. Watch Six Feet Under on DVD with my husband
7. Look at the pretty pictures of myself that a photographer took last month.
8. DO NOT HARM MYSELF.I've had so much Klonopin in the last two days I'll be lucky to stay awake through Six Feet Under.
Three nights ago I was in this same place, working out my concrete plan not to harm myself and I was cooking dinner (step one: make a complicated meal and do the dishes) and cut my thumb pretty badly, badly enough to need stitches. I didn't go to the ER of course. I have a lot of scarring even though I haven't harmed myself in 12 years and walking in with any cut on that same arm I'm going to get questions. Normally, my psychiatrist's business card would be my "get out of jail free" card. "Here, call her, she'll tell you I'm fine." But right now I am not fine, and she knows it, and so I'd get the psych consult and maybe I would go home and maybe I wouldn't and there in the emergency room my husband would learn I had had a one-night stand the previous weekend and now was being hospitalized because I couldn't be trusted not to harm myself. Yah, no thank you. So I've got my thumb all wrapped up and I'll have an ugly scar when it all knits back together however it feels inclined to knit back together. I did not cut myself on purpose. I was thinking about my concrete plan to keep myself from doing it. But I was also on Ativan, and drinking, and harming myself was all I'd wanted all day. I have stopped the drinking, at least for the past few days. The Ativan, too. Neither was working alone or together. The Klonopin seems to be helping some.
I'm also on Lexapro and Lamictal for bi-polar 2. I am not in a manic phase. The sex was about having fun, not mania.
Please, some encouragement, some support. I'm feeling so punished, and so judged, and so close to the edge with no where to go.
Posted by wildcard11 on March 30, 2006, at 16:33:58
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
you are not alone. i'm glad you asked for support. you keep strong to your plans and i am usually always up late. you babble me if you need to talk or vent, especially if any *bad* thoughts get too close to reality. you are a wonderful, special person and deserve to forgive yourself. that is what really matters, no one else right now. put you first...
Posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2006, at 20:24:50
In reply to (((waterfall))) trigger above » waterfall, posted by wildcard11 on March 30, 2006, at 16:33:58
If you are bipolar I really think your shink did you a disservice by not listening to you. And her job isn't to judge you. right now it sounds like you need a med adjustment. You are exhibiting all the signs of an impending manic episode. Call a crisis hotline and explain. And if you go to the hospital you don't have to disclose the affair. A professional will help you sort it all out and figure out a plan on what to say. And flush the pills. And Babble me too. There is a poster cant's remember posting name that had a similar thing happen to her. And she worked it all out. And please don't cut. I know how this lets the pain out . Love phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on March 30, 2006, at 20:34:54
In reply to (((waterfall))) trigger above » waterfall, posted by wildcard11 on March 30, 2006, at 16:33:58
Hello, Waterfall
We haven't met before although I've read your posts. You have a good plan to keep safe tonight. We're here for you as part of that plan! Babble has been a safe and caring place for me when I'd needed it.
Please be kind to yourself.ClearSkies
Posted by SLS on March 30, 2006, at 21:59:53
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
Hi Waterfall.
I haven't judged you to be anything other than human.
In the future, you may need to be more selective what you disclose and to whom you disclose. You can choose to set boundaries for each of your relationships. It is unfortunate that the people you looked to for support ended up being so toxic at a time when you were so vulnerable.
I hope you are more merciful with yourself than those who would judge you.
Learn from your experiences, grieve for your losses, and revel in your triumphs. Be the best Waterfall you can be - not for anyone else but yourself.
One step at a time.
- Scott
Posted by madeline on March 31, 2006, at 7:09:33
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
You went 12 years without hurting yourself?
That's GREAT! How did you do that? You must be very very strong indeed!
I know things are tough right now, but try and remember the coping skills that you used during those twelve years.
Here is a wonderful link that may help you to get back in touch with those skills that you used for those 12 years.
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/kharre.html#quest
Good luck and stay safe.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 7:35:37
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
What is wrong with cutting oneself? (Please note I'm not referring to anybody in particular)
I do, and it really helps me. If I didn't, then I would be much worse off.
If cutting helps us to feel better, then why is that so bad?
Posted by wildcard11 on March 31, 2006, at 8:50:51
In reply to Trigger....stuff..... » waterfall, posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 7:35:37
it seems waterfall does not want to start that again for herself...what is best for you may not be for her. i think we all have ways of releasing pain, some we are okay with and some that we dislike. she appears to dislike the cutting...i used to handle things one way but didn't like it so i changed, others it works better for. i'm sorry you hurt too (((Meri-Tuuli)))
Posted by madeline on March 31, 2006, at 9:11:12
In reply to Trigger....stuff..... » waterfall, posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 7:35:37
I think yours is an important post.
It is important for people to realize that cutting is a coping mechanism, a lot of people use it to feel better and it HAS helped a lot of people.
But what I would suggest is something very easy.
Simply start referring to it as "harming myself" instead of "cutting myself".
You cut a cake, or sheetrock, or your toenails. You harm yourself.
Here is a wonderful resource that may help you to understand a little bit better what I'm talking about.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 10:15:34
In reply to Re: Trigger....stuff..... » Meri-Tuuli, posted by wildcard11 on March 31, 2006, at 8:50:51
Hi!
> it seems waterfall does not want to start that again for herself...what is best for you may not be for her. i think we all have ways of releasing pain, some we are okay with and some that we dislike. she appears to dislike the cutting...i used to handle things one way but didn't like it so i changed, others it works better for.In my previous post, I wasn't referring to ANYBODY specifically -- I thought that was clear. I was just wondering, in a philoshopical sense, what was wrong with SI and what were other peoples' thoughts on it, ie why they like to do it or why they don't like to do it and their reasons. Maybe it would be better placed in a new thread so as to not interrupt Waterfall's thread. It just got me thinking, because I view SI in a postive light, although I understand that others don't and I was hoping to understand why other people view it in a bad light.
For me, personally, I find SI to be a useful coping mechanism that works. And I don't think it is dangerous.
> i'm sorry you hurt too (((Meri-Tuuli)))
Thank you!! I think that was my first virual hug (if those brackets are meant to be a hug!!!)
Posted by wildcard11 on March 31, 2006, at 10:27:45
In reply to Re: Trigger....stuff..... » wildcard11, posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 10:15:34
i understood what you were saying ;o) and yep, those were hugs just for u!!
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 10:29:56
In reply to Re: Trigger....stuff..... » Meri-Tuuli, posted by madeline on March 31, 2006, at 9:11:12
Hi!
Thanks for the good link.
To be honest, I don't actually call it anything in my head, because I don't talk about it to anybody!!! I think I mentioned it to my GP and then I called it 'self injury'. I only refer to it as cutting because I think that was what waterfall called it in her first post. I actually prefer 'self injury'. Cutting sounds too harsh for my liking!! Having said that, I think if I were to say anything to myself I would prefer 'I am going to cut myself' rather than 'I am going to harm myself' because harming yourself (to me) sounds much more serious that cutting yourself. I know that when I cut myself I don't do myself any harm, I do myself some good.
But if I were to harm myself, I would think that would be serious.Make sense?? I hope so.....
> I think yours is an important post.
>
> It is important for people to realize that cutting is a coping mechanism, a lot of people use it to feel better and it HAS helped a lot of people.
>
> But what I would suggest is something very easy.
>
> Simply start referring to it as "harming myself" instead of "cutting myself".
>
> You cut a cake, or sheetrock, or your toenails. You harm yourself.
>
> Here is a wonderful resource that may help you to understand a little bit better what I'm talking about.
>
> http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/kharre.html#quest
>
Posted by TofuEmmy on March 31, 2006, at 17:43:11
In reply to Re: Trigger....stuff..... » madeline, posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 10:29:56
I think it's one of MANY ways we can cope with anxiety, emotional pain, etc. But it's an unhealthy way for lots of reasons, not the least of which is...
It can leave LIFE LONG scars which you will have to hide, or explain...to your lovers, husband, doctors, children, the nosey stranger on the next beach blanket, etc. for your whole life.
Another way to cope is drinking and/or drugs. Sure, it helps relax and takes our minds off our problems. Yup. But is this healthy? Nope. Is it also habit forming, like self-injury is? Yup.
If it's possible to consider working towards decreasing the SI and find healthier coping methods which work for you, IMO your life would improve.
Take care of you! :-)
emmy
Posted by waterfall on March 31, 2006, at 20:05:43
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:27:38
Thank you everyone for your support. I told my husband about the affair. He was as understanding as one could expect. Actually, he was very supportive, as hard as that is to believe. I guess he knows and understands me. Pities me, sometimes, I think. I got in touch with my psych and she's prescribing a major tranquilizer - Seroquel - for the time being. I didn't self-injure so my 12 year record is intact. Yay, me!
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 19:42:51
In reply to Re: Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 31, 2006, at 20:05:43
Congratulations
I think that was pretty brave to tell him. AND to do what you needed to do to keep your 12 years.
(((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))
PS - I find it disturbing that your psych reacted in what I think is a negative way to the affair!!!!!!!!!
Kath
> Thank you everyone for your support. I told my husband about the affair. He was as understanding as one could expect. Actually, he was very supportive, as hard as that is to believe. I guess he knows and understands me. Pities me, sometimes, I think. I got in touch with my psych and she's prescribing a major tranquilizer - Seroquel - for the time being. I didn't self-injure so my 12 year record is intact. Yay, me!
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 19:49:36
In reply to Re: Trigger....stuff..... » wildcard11, posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 10:15:34
My daughter cut for years & along with giving up alcohol, drugs, compulsive sex & relationships as ways of coping, wanted to give up cutting also.
She has done a lot of emotional healing since, but during the transition she found that pressing an ice cube against her inside arm between wrist & elbow hurt like hell & helped her not cut. No scars; risk of infection etc.
Just passing it on for what it's worth.
(((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))
yes, hugs - Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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