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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
Every day is a steep uphill climb. I have started on Provigil this week and find the results vary day to day. Sometimes I feel better, mostly I am sweaty and quite anxious by the end of the work day. Underlying the Provigil is my sturdy depression. At the moment it is the most stable aspect of my days and nights.
I haven't been able to drag myself to the gym for a few weeks, and I don't care.
My husband has been out of town all week, the fridge is empty, and I don't care.
The big accomplishment of the week was moving the cat's litter tray back to her very own bathroom after last weekend's houseguests left. Luckily the cat was aware of the move.Working also continues to be uncomfortable and anxious. I'm unable to deal with anything but the most mundane of tasks without losing my concentration. I am getting very good at photocopying. I still have not decided what action to take about staying or leaving, as I promised myself I would let this cloud (pardon the self pun) of gloominess pass first. it's not ready to move on yet.
Yet I have my oases. This place, of course. My family, who rallies around me via email and phone calls (if I deign to answer the phone, caller ID is a mixed bag for someone good at isolating themself). My husband feels concerned and powerless to help; his unwavering support and compassion makes me cry just to think of. My regular contact with special Babble friends helps to ground me and I cherish their companionship. I can recognize that there are people who care for me and love me. But this is not a shield against the abject melancholy that enrobes me.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 7:48:46
In reply to Still struggling., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
I can't match the eloquence of your writing, so I've just got a hug.
Here's another. (((((PC)))))
gg
Posted by AdaGrace on May 6, 2005, at 8:29:07
In reply to Still struggling., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
I can't keep up with your med changes. Is this actually good? I don't know. I don't even know if what I am taking is working, so who am I to talk. I must say that I agree with gg...you said it very eloquently. You have a very expressive personality. I admire that greatly. I also admire your strive for peace and tranquility, no matter what the obstacles are. You are trying PC, that is what matters. The moment I start to try, I am sure I will feel better. However, at the moment (actually this moment has lasted for about 8 months now) but at the moment I choose not to try. I choose to wallow in my self doubt, self pity, self loathing, and self destruction. It's comfortable here in this skin. Comfortable, yet terribly damaging. This I know. Depression I know and understand. It seems like the cloud stays over your head. I know what you mean about that. All I can say is I hope you see some sun soon. I have faith that you will. You are a much stronger person that you think, and I really think you will get out of this slump soon. One thing I find that helps me lately, the only thing, is having something to look forward to. whether it be a night out, a new purchase, or a day off, it seems to help to have hope. Right now, I can't seem to get up and get going on anything. Even the things I like to do. Plants are dying because they haven't been planted or even watered. I've trimmed the entire garden. Actually butchered is more like it. But there those limbs lay in the yard. Not picked up. I'm thinking of just mowing over them. Mulch? Perhaps so. Hope the new Deer can handle the sturdy tree limbs. Maybe it would be good therapy.....chopping things up. Sorta like that therapy where you have a pillow and you beat the h*ll out of it or something with it. Oh PC! I feel better just writing this post to you. I really do. I hope my twisted sense of humor brings a tiny, small, wee, grin from your face. Now, get your *ss up and go to the gym. Do a few curls for me. I haven't the energy to lift my fat girth with the excess 10 pounds I've gained. Except to go to the snack table and have a "Little Debbie".
Posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 9:02:58
In reply to Re: Still struggling. » partlycloudy, posted by AdaGrace on May 6, 2005, at 8:29:07
When I started on this journey of psychotropic medications and therapy, my depression, anxiety and panic were tangled up with what you are looking at now: self doubt, self loathing, and self destruction. I think I have 2 out of 3 behind me, and the self destruction is on its way out of my life. It does make the depression easier to live with when your view of yourself isn't complicated by the negative self-speak you're still experiencing. Good days are easier come by when you know that you deserve every one of them.
I do like the image of you running rampant with your John Deere over garden debris. I don't tend to feel much anger any more (it takes too much energy). It was all directed at people in my past with whom I no longer have any contact whatever, so letting go of the anger was a great relief.
As for my medications, they are not too complicated at the moment: Cymbalta 60mg, Provigil 100mg moving to 200mg next week, Xanax .5mg as needed, and Propanolol 20mg for blood pressure control. Plus a gazillion supplements to help sustain sobriety.
A trip to the gym isn't going to happen while I still feel this way. I have no agressions to release, no angry or hurtful feelings to take out on the machines. Apathy is what's left at the moment. A great sadness, weariness and a wish for a return to my bed for say, 48 hours or so.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 9:04:17
In reply to (((((PC)))))) » partlycloudy, posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 7:48:46
I think I felt that hug over the internet, gg. Either that or my bra is pinching my back again.
thanks
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:15:51
In reply to Still struggling., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
(((Partlycloudy)))
Boy do I empathize about work. I'm doing ok right now, but my ability to work seems to have nothing whatsoever with my will or anything under my control.
Hoping sunnier days will be along before too very long.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 13:14:31
In reply to Re: Still struggling. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:15:51
Crying again. I can't do this any more. I want it to stop.
Posted by anastasia56 on May 6, 2005, at 18:09:47
In reply to I went home., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 13:14:31
i've been there and in my experience anyway, it doesn't get better staying with that job.
wishing you a peace-filled weekend.
ana
Posted by anastasia56 on May 6, 2005, at 18:12:17
In reply to Re: Still struggling. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:15:51
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 18:56:53
In reply to did you do your resume exercise? (nm) » Dinah, posted by anastasia56 on May 6, 2005, at 18:12:17
The stuff that was due in December and didn't get done because Daddy died is still undone.
Posted by KaraS on May 6, 2005, at 19:25:07
In reply to Still struggling., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
> Every day is a steep uphill climb. I have started on Provigil this week and find the results vary day to day. Sometimes I feel better, mostly I am sweaty and quite anxious by the end of the work day. Underlying the Provigil is my sturdy depression. At the moment it is the most stable aspect of my days and nights.
> I haven't been able to drag myself to the gym for a few weeks, and I don't care.
> My husband has been out of town all week, the fridge is empty, and I don't care.
> The big accomplishment of the week was moving the cat's litter tray back to her very own bathroom after last weekend's houseguests left. Luckily the cat was aware of the move.
>
> Working also continues to be uncomfortable and anxious. I'm unable to deal with anything but the most mundane of tasks without losing my concentration. I am getting very good at photocopying. I still have not decided what action to take about staying or leaving, as I promised myself I would let this cloud (pardon the self pun) of gloominess pass first. it's not ready to move on yet.
>
> Yet I have my oases. This place, of course. My family, who rallies around me via email and phone calls (if I deign to answer the phone, caller ID is a mixed bag for someone good at isolating themself). My husband feels concerned and powerless to help; his unwavering support and compassion makes me cry just to think of. My regular contact with special Babble friends helps to ground me and I cherish their companionship. I can recognize that there are people who care for me and love me. But this is not a shield against the abject melancholy that enrobes me.
I too am struggling with the melancholy. It seems to have a will of its own. I hate the fact that I can't control the tears. I well up at the slightest provocation. A corny tv advertisement is often enough to set me off. Hopefully when you find the right combination of medications, the melancholy will be gone. One thing you might ask your doctor about is switching to a different beta blocker. They can cause or increase depression. Some may be less likely to have this result than others though.Hope you feel better soon.
Kara
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 6, 2005, at 21:16:14
In reply to Still struggling., posted by partlycloudy on May 6, 2005, at 7:21:03
You are such a lovely person.
I can hear that you are struggling and the pain can be overwhelming.
you go home crying.
this hurts my heart as I really care about you.are we all dancing at the end of a chemical chain reaction?
My voice joins all the previous posters in saying...
*******we love you*******
oh PC a group hug is in order.I hope your life gets better.
My heart and thoughts are with you.
Jai Narayan
Posted by partlycloudy on May 7, 2005, at 10:25:04
In reply to for PC hopefully to brighten your day...:), posted by Jai Narayan on May 6, 2005, at 21:16:14
i decided to give my notice to leave work on monday.
my husband is very supportive.
guess i should tell my therapist.
i'm not very stable right now but i wanted to say how much everyone's kind and supportive thoughts are appreciated.in my future i can see some more personal development. go back to the gym, try dance lessons again or just dance around on my own, make my jewellry. find some peace of mind and happiness. i want to cry tears of joy some day.
i am so grateful to be able to try to do this.
Posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2005, at 12:39:27
In reply to thank you everyone, so much, posted by partlycloudy on May 7, 2005, at 10:25:04
You have put a lot of thought into this decision.
I hope a break can let you build up some strength to get better.
Posted by Damos on May 8, 2005, at 16:44:44
In reply to thank you everyone, so much, posted by partlycloudy on May 7, 2005, at 10:25:04
Aw PC I'm sorry things aren't going so good. Please know you're in my heart and my thoughts.
Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2005, at 18:12:48
In reply to thank you everyone, so much, posted by partlycloudy on May 7, 2005, at 10:25:04
I think that's great, PC. You obviously weren't all that happy where you where.
The possibilities are endless out there. If I'm ever lucky enough to quit, I going to go back to school.
Posted by sunny10 on May 9, 2005, at 9:01:34
In reply to Re: thank you everyone, so much » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on May 8, 2005, at 18:12:48
I am so glad you have the opportunity to leave that job.
Definitely dance.... I'll be dancing with you in my mind!
-sunny10
Posted by alesta on May 9, 2005, at 14:10:37
In reply to thank you everyone, so much, posted by partlycloudy on May 7, 2005, at 10:25:04
love you, PC.:) your post was a little hard for me to answer..hits close to home..but i can say that i really want you to know that i love and care for you. you are so wonderful. you are always there to lift me up. you are a blessing to us. i hope you find peace and happiness. i will always be here for you...rain or shine..:)
take care,
amy
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