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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 10:23:58
Okay, slight backround. Ive been married for 10 months (second marriage) kinda rushed into it. I met and started dating my current husband 4 months after I left my first. Anyway. first thing, I went to see a T for the first time (i talked about this b4, sorry for being redundent) and he says that he believes me to have a mild form of BP. (my pdoc had me on meds for BP, but never told me i had it) So, my T wants to teach me how to tell when I am going into an episode of either depression or mania so I can prevent it. (have no idea how he will do that) but anyway. I apparently had what he called a hypomania episode -I began chatting on the internet (yahoo)and at first I just wanted to see what other guys thought of me. I have insecurity issues and need the re-assurance that I am attractive. (dont know why I am like this) but, I sent some pics of myself to local men and they all said i was hot and wanted to meet of course. So, I was enjoying the attention from these men and feeling sexy etc..Finally I met one guy (really as a friend) and we had 1 drink together and talked on the phone some. But he wanted a relationship and knew I couldnt give him that and he, nor I, wanted an affair, so we said goodbye. That was that. Well, my husband found out that i had been chatting and flirting sexually with these men and even found out that I met the one guy for the drink. Needless to say he is very upset, and feels he cant trust me anymore. And I understand. But I dont know why I did what I did other than for the attention. I really dont think i would have gone through with an actual sexual affair, it wasnt about that for me. But my husband thinks it was and now feels I did do it or will again. After going through all this (still going on) I realize how much I hurt my husband and realize that I love him and dont want anyone else. I just dont know if he can truely get past this and ever trust me again. It seems he is obsessed about it now, he cant think of anything else. I think it was a hypomania episode, but it really is uncharactristic for me to be like that. But he thinks its a cop out. Is this a forgiveable thing that I did???????????
S
Posted by sunny10 on April 25, 2005, at 11:43:59
In reply to Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 10:23:58
does he ever ogle women in front of you?
Is he a flirt with your friends-in-common, or when you go out to a restaurant, does he flirt with the waitresses?
I'm asking these questions because in order to help you figure out whether you have done something "unforgiveable", it is important to know the personality of the person who needs to be able to forgive you....
Does that make sense? For some, even a full-fledged three year long sexual affair is "forgiveable". For others, flirting is unforgiveable... It all depends on the parties involved.
If you can let us know what he's like, maybe we'll be better able to respond with stuff that actually helps you determine this stuff...
I personally feel you are forgiveable... although I also know that I would be hurt if my SO did this to me. I would probably have a hard time trusting him for a while, but with honest communication about WHY he would feel the need to do such a thing, I would be willing to work it out for the sake of our relationship.
-sunny10
Posted by broken on April 25, 2005, at 11:47:27
In reply to Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 10:23:58
Is it a forgivable thing? I'd say yes, ofcourse it is. Is it going to be forgiven? You know that better than anyone here.
From my point of view, if this happened in my marriage... If my wife wants to have a drink with another guy, that's cool. (Yes, our marriage is "different" than alot of others) If she tells me about it first, no problem. If she kept it a secret, it would be a huge problem. My question to her would be "Why couldn't you tell me unless you planned on something I would not approve of?"
The trust in my relationship would literally take months if not longer to re-establish. My pet peave is lying or hiding the truth. You screw up, tell me, we'll work it out somehow. Lie to me, and we might work it out, but it's going to take 10x longer for me to get over than it would if I had been told instead of finding out on my own.
Your husband may be totally different. I am just giving an example of my feelings and reactions if I were in that situation. I'm not "accusing" you of any kind of a lie. If it were my wife, I would certainly perceive her as hiding the truth.
Broken
Posted by Larry Hoover on April 25, 2005, at 11:47:31
In reply to Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 10:23:58
> Is this a forgiveable thing that I did???????????
> SYes, but not on your terms. It must be on his terms.
I strongly suggest couples counselling. You will probably hear about this behaviour far, far more than you will be comfortable hearing about it, but that's the nature of the game. He has to find a way to forgive you, (acceptance, in other words), and that can only come after he processes his grief. He has definitely lost something.
And you must figure out exactly why you did this, or you will have learned nothing. And, that must include confiding those reasons to your husband.
This will not just go away, unless your marriage does first.
Lar
Posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 12:18:51
In reply to Re: Yet another issue................. » woolav, posted by Larry Hoover on April 25, 2005, at 11:47:31
I appreciate everyones imput so far. Sunny, he isnt a flirt, he's very sweet for the most part. (he did hurt me a few months ago by having drinks w/ 3 girls he worked with and never calling me when he should have been home from work--I was so upset, I called the police bc i figured he must be dead) then he just told me that nothing happened, it was a mistake and he wouldnt do it again. So, I moved on. I dont know what really happened that night. But, I think thats what triggered all this for me. I felt very betrayed and i guess i wanted to get back at him. I dont know if thats the reason or not, but thats what i think happened. I just took it too far...
S
Posted by sunny10 on April 25, 2005, at 12:56:27
In reply to Re: Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 12:18:51
then it sounds like some of Lar's couples counselling is in order for you BOTH. You both have some feelings that deserve to be "over-analyzed" if need be...
I had forgotten about the night out with the girls at the office...
Broken is right, honesty and communication are EVERYTHING in a relationship. You have both practiced at deceiving and non-communication.
If you love him, propose couples counselling. In some ways it is good that the relationship is relatively young. It is easier to change the way you live with and communicate with each other when it's all rather new, anyway...
Best of luck- let us know how your conversation with hubby goes!
-sunny10
Posted by woolav on April 26, 2005, at 9:00:52
In reply to Re: Yet another issue................., posted by sunny10 on April 25, 2005, at 12:56:27
well, i think we are going to try to work it out. he was ready to give up on the marriage because he believes that i will not be happy with him and always seek something more. But that is not true. When you come close to losing someone you realize how much you love them. I am seeing my T next week and am going to ask him about this or see if he knows a marriage T. I told my husband to give us the chance to work this out and so far I think he will. He says he loves me.
Thanks for reading my posts and I will keep u updated.
S
Posted by sunny10 on April 26, 2005, at 13:03:35
In reply to Re: Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 26, 2005, at 9:00:52
Posted by woolav on April 27, 2005, at 12:57:39
In reply to Re: Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 26, 2005, at 9:00:52
Now my husb thinks/believes that i had an affair. I didnt, but i dont know if he can get past it. I posted a msg under psycho babble just now,that may explain more about why this all happened. But I think that my marriage might be over because of it..I think (know) its due to my own self destructive mental issues. Its as if I wont allow myself to be happy. I guess thats why I hate myself and wish i were dead. I dont want to hurt my daughter bc she needs me..but I dont seem to be getting the help i need from my docs and if I cant get it there. i dont know what will become of me....
it just keeps getting worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Larry Hoover on April 27, 2005, at 14:40:48
In reply to Re: spoke too soon.............., posted by woolav on April 27, 2005, at 12:57:39
> Now my husb thinks/believes that i had an affair.
Is there really that big a difference? Some people call what you described "emotional adultery". You went outside your marriage for something that properly belonged inside your marriage.
I'm not trying to label it. I'm trying to imply the sense of betrayal and loss your husband seems to be experiencing.
He has a right to his feelings, and they seem to be rather strong.
I saw your other post, and medication and/or psych issues may be worth some serious consideration, but ultimately the whole thing comes down to how you're going to manage this. I strongly urge you to take some leadership, and get thy and thy husband's *ss to counselling, pronto.
If you haven't told him today just how much it means to you to make this right, tell him now. And if you have already told him, tell him again.
Best,
Lar
Posted by alesta on April 27, 2005, at 19:19:32
In reply to Re: spoke too soon.............., posted by woolav on April 27, 2005, at 12:57:39
> Now my husb thinks/believes that i had an affair. I didnt, but i dont know if he can get past it. I posted a msg under psycho babble just now,that may explain more about why this all happened. But I think that my marriage might be over because of it..I think (know) its due to my own self destructive mental issues. Its as if I wont allow myself to be happy. I guess thats why I hate myself and wish i were dead. I dont want to hurt my daughter bc she needs me..but I dont seem to be getting the help i need from my docs and if I cant get it there. i dont know what will become of me....
> it just keeps getting worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i totally agree with larry and other responses..first, let me say that i'm not judging..i know we all do the best we can. with that said, i feel that you need to take the focus off of yourself and your feelings, and place the focus on your husband's feelings..you're facing some consequences right now and you need to "suck it up" a little bit here right now..be strong, you can handle this..and, if you love him, do *everything* in your power to help him deal with his feelings, and possibly saving your marriage in the process. maybe you could ask him what he needs from you..and that you will do anything to make things right. good luck. with a little compassion and outer-focus on a positive outcome, things may work themselves out. try and be positive.:) giving in to all the "oh, this is so horrible" thoughts are going to make things many times worse. be well. :-)amy
Posted by sunny10 on April 28, 2005, at 10:47:15
In reply to Re: spoke too soon.............. » woolav, posted by alesta on April 27, 2005, at 19:19:32
Posted by alesta on April 28, 2005, at 19:02:04
In reply to Yet another issue................., posted by woolav on April 25, 2005, at 10:23:58
hi again sandy :)
i hope my other post to you didn't seem harsh at all. it took a lot out of me to write that for some reason...don't think no one cares about you. i thought maybe a new mindset would help. i'm sure everything will work out for the best..can i just give you a hug?:)
{{{{{{sandy}}}}}}}
Posted by world citizen on April 29, 2005, at 2:26:06
In reply to Re: spoke too soon.............. » woolav, posted by Larry Hoover on April 27, 2005, at 14:40:48
Larry, Dr. Bob didn't understand that I was referring to Music Therapy issues and he bumped me over here. Oh well. I gave him a very courteous "what for" response.
As long as I'm here... I've been reading some of your responses and REALLY like what I read (hear). I really need to process some stuff and wonder if you'd be so kind as to give me your feed back.
My main focus is attempting to stay in the present because this is where my life is unfolding. I get very scared ( not an uncommon reaction for someone with PTSD) and have to make myself start being grateful for all the many, many blessings God has been so kind as to give me. Larry, I'm in dire need of encouragement of the positive and someone to help point out where I might be lying to myself.
If this sounds like a short-term project you'd like to lend your understanding and clear thinking to please let me know, okay?
I don't know, maybe there are others here that would want to offer assistance, but you are going to be more aware of my history, as sketchy as it's been, and would be in a better position to see more clearly due to the fact that you are somewhat more aware from what you may have picked up from over at Alternative Remedies. I have a habit of unintentionally imposing on others just because I feel so intensely. (this is also what makes my singing so powerful, I'm told)
I met this guy at the park where I do my walking. He is in a very similar place as myself in terms of wanting to stay present and authentic. I REALLY enjoyed talking with him. I think my "honesty" scared him off more effectively than if I would have chambered a round in a shotgun within his earshot! I was tested not too long ago and my intellence was "officially" in the very superior range-my verbal skills (I think it was comprehension) was in the 99th percentile. I'll also add (truly, in all modesty) that my looks are well above average too! This combination should be a winner, huh? I scare most men to death! They talk about "baggage"! Dude, I dont' have "baggage" what I have would be considered FREIGHT!!!!! I'm trying SOOO hard to overcome so much! I'm so, so grateful to God for my music! Sometimes I take my little boombox over to the park and just sing my a** off! I have to! It's the only way my heart has to conncect with others!
I'm just so freaking intense-but I laugh alot too, you know? I think the more honest we are the more we can find humor in commonplace events (not unlike Seinfeld!).I'm on a very significant threshold and would greatly appreciate your input. (I wonder if Dr. Bob is going to boot me somewhere else. Maybe he has a Lonely Hearts category or something;>)
I'm going to the club on Saturday night to hear a different configuration of the band I sang with on Monday. (THEY WERE SOOOO FREAKING GOOD!!!) There is an elderly lady that I know that needs to get out of her isolation and she LOVES jazz so I've asked her to go and she can hardly sit still now:>)!!! I'm just going to focus on staying "here" and singing. Oh yeah, this indicates my commitment to my musical unfoldment-I bought "the Ultimate Jazz Fake Book". It's time!
World Citizen
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