![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by woolav on March 23, 2005, at 9:18:57
Hello. I am confused right now and want to get some advise from my friends here.....I am married (8 months)and love my husband, but he hurt me (not intentially i think) but just made me re-think alot of stuff. And, now I have made a friend with this guy and I talk to him without my hubby knowing..I dont plan to have an affair, so i dont know why i am talking to him at all. except his is nice. and he knows im married and says he wouldnt do anything to damage my relationship. But i want to talk to him and i feel bad when i do bc i know my husband wouldnt like it.obviously. I dont know what i am doing and I am confused........help..
S
Posted by sunny10 on March 23, 2005, at 9:59:15
In reply to Am I wrong?????????????, posted by woolav on March 23, 2005, at 9:18:57
In what way did your husband hurt you?
In what way is this male friend "nice"? Easy to talk to, just like a girlfriend, or does he fulfill a need for you (make you feel smart, attractive, lovable, etc)?You cannot possibly know whether or not you are "wrong" to foster a friendship (male or female) unless you dig into the "why" of your friendship.
You don't have to have sex with someone else to "cheat on your relationship". I have cheated on past relationships just by sharing bad feelings that I was harboring against my boyfriend with a female friend. I was untrue to my relationship because I did not discuss the things that were bothering me about the relationship with my boyfriend nor was I trying to improve what was wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the gender of your friends shouldn't matter- it's the nature of the friendship that matters. Your husband should be your best friend. If it feels like he is no longer your best friend, maybe you could talk to him about that. Maybe explain to him how he hurt you and that you understand that it may have been unintentional, but it will bother you until the subject is addressed.
It is completely natural that the "honeymoon period" is over. That you feel a little differently about each other. But it is my opinion that we should all "begin as we mean to go on". Honesty is the best policy.
I have to admit here that I have just done this with my significant other last week. I did it badly; I completely overwhelmed him and we were uneasy around each other for a couple of days. But then I started feeling better simply because I knew that I had given our relationship my best effort. I knew that what would be, would be. Maybe I chased him away forever by overwhelming him, I thought. But, then again, that was me being me. If he couldn't deal with my emotions, he wouldn't be the right one for me in the long run; I reasoned.
Suffice it to say that I was the one who started to relax about the big bruhaha. And, wouldn't you know it? When I started laughing and joking around with him, sharing my day (good or bad) with him at dinner, et cetera, he did, too. And now we are back to being easy with one another- we just understand each other a little better (trust me, when I started unloading, so did he- so I learned things about him that I didn't understand, too). True communication is never one way.
You may find that your husband is as confused as you are right now about the state of your relationship!!
Okay, enough of my long-winded opinion... You can take what you need from what I've said and toss the rest. No one is ever completely right... I can only offer MY experience; no one else's.
Posted by woolav on March 23, 2005, at 22:06:42
In reply to Re: Am I wrong?????????????, posted by sunny10 on March 23, 2005, at 9:59:15
Thank u for your thoughts. i really appreciate it. I saw my friend today and i think we would have been a good pair, it makes me cry to think that i could think that in the first place. I soo dont want to hurt my husband. I am worried bc i kinda rushed into marriage and i should have taken longer to make the right decision. I think i am messed up right now. and i thought it was getting better with my meds, but now this. whats wrong with me....
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:05:23
In reply to Re: Am I wrong?, posted by woolav on March 23, 2005, at 22:06:42
humans make mistakes. Maybe your husband ISN'T the ONE. But maybe he is and marriage is just more work than you anticipated.
And here's the cynical part... You know how I told you about the "overwhelming talk that made things better"? Well, it didn't work out the way I'd hoped.
My SO is using drugs. Cocaine killed his brother and he is still using it himself. So much for conversation about "our" future...
Life is short. Try not to spend a lot of time wondering what the heck you're doing. Talk to your husband. See if he feels the same way as you. Brainstorm with him to figure out whether after 8 months there is still a future for the two of you.
Maybe he'll turn out like my SO, but maybe he won't. You'll never be sure where you stand in your marriage unless you can communicate.
I guess I happen to be learning that I don't have a future with my SO. I'm really sad and I'm really stuck living with him until the end of our lease in Aug. 2006! Sigh... as you see, life is short, and you don't want to wind up throwing years away by pretending things are fine so a fight doesn't ensue like I am now forced to do...
I really feel for you. The cynical side of me is screaming "run, run for your life", but I realize that your husband and my SO are different men and no two are exactly alike. All I can say is talk to him. What exactly have you got to lose?
Posted by woolav on March 24, 2005, at 10:59:51
In reply to Re: Am I wrong?, posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:05:23
wow, you are great at explaining things and helping. I am sorry about your situation, but at least you know its not going to work. I want my marriage to work and at first thought it would be forever, but as you know I obviously am having second thoughts if i am talking to this other man. I sat and cried last night because of it all. not that i am in love with this other guy, i hardly know him. but it hurts me to think that me of all ppl would even think of having an affair. My husband is very insecure and ive told him i dont like that because i feel like he is controlling, but i dont think that will ever change. And if i talk to him about how am i feeling with the marriage, it would hurt him, its not as easy as it seems without hurting feelings. Im hoping that maybe talking to this guy and stuff will help me get past this. Like get it out of my system i guess..if that makes sense. Well, thanks for responding.
take care
S
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 11:40:27
In reply to Re: very wise, posted by woolav on March 24, 2005, at 10:59:51
sometimes what we jealous people DON'T hear leads us to speculate that things are WORSE than they actually are.
Maybe he would actually be LESS controlling if he knew you were willing to always be open with him.
Now, likely this won't occur to him WHILE you are in the midst of the discussion, and his feelings will be hurt- but your feelings are already hurt, aren't they? And he will begin to appreciate your honesty and willingness to make the relationship work so that the next discussion will be easier...and he will learn to trust that if you have needs, you will come to him to have those needs met; not go to someone else which is what he thinks now...
Communication can't FORCE a rlationship, but it will sustain and nourish that relationship which is good. All relationships take work. It's up to you HOW much work you're willing to put into it (and him, too. I was willing to put work into mine, but my SO apparently isn't. And it takes two to tango...)
I guess, in a nutshell, what all of my over-explaining boils down to is that no communication=no relationship...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.