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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on October 25, 2004, at 22:42:40
Left empty winter home of my mother's, near my childrens' homes. At least, she used to be my m-o-t-h-e-r, I think?
I've returned to old place, where have lived alone for 8yrs.
Will go to DBT for therapy and group Weds, but not looking forward to it. I'm only in my first month, but already growing tired of it; leaving unconcerned about my blank mind.
Haven't unpacked (just pull things out if need); stuff strewn about randomly; looks like meth home; managed pay bills online; sent in my early ballot; not eating; ignoring phone calls (except from children); bored; don't 'care' about home or body; brushed my teeth first time in too many days; don't go anywhere; dishes in sink from 1+ weeks; look forward to silly things like a TV show or a cigarette.
Where'd clean me in clean rental go?I grieve my father's passing (now 8 months) daily.
I know what decompensation feels like, and that's not how I'm feeling.
AWAKEN IN PANIC ATTACKS with rapid heartbeat, hyperventilation; lasts hours. Cannot (haven't in years; may be trazodone) recall dreams or nightmares.
Finally got, how I've been doin' last couple weeks (time period sketchy), posted to you, and, to me.
Not seeking attn or crying wolf.
Beautiful, well-intentioned, would tell me if I had a boo*er on my nose, to the point, artistic, dreamers, planners, searchers, sneakers, cautious, believers, risk takers, guides, hold your owns, tks for any ... cf
p.s. I am not seeking attn or crying wolf, really!
Posted by boomarang on October 25, 2004, at 23:38:22
In reply to Been Too Long At The Fair (Raitt), posted by corafree on October 25, 2004, at 22:42:40
i can tell you are not crying wolf. The world you are living in right now is very real.
Is the life you are leading now the life you need in order to grieve and take stock of your inner voice. Or is this time frame not a solace for you but rather a negative period that is drawing you deeper.
your honest answers will show you the way. You can give yourself permission not to answer the phone and have outside contact while you work this thro. When you are done you will know when it is time to return to the world. This choice does not make you a bad person. You are doing it for you.
Another option is to pull yourself out while your feet feel stuck to the sticky quaqmire. This option is used when you feel you are not progressing with option one and actually putting yourself in harms way by continuing that lifestyle.
be well,
sara
Posted by corafree on October 26, 2004, at 2:46:51
In reply to Re: Been Too Long At The Fair (Raitt), posted by boomarang on October 25, 2004, at 23:38:22
We haven't met, but somebody up there is watching over me, because you sent me the words I needed to hear.
I am printing out what you have said, enlarging the letters, and thinking it over, as it's hard to see yourself.
There have been some bad situations occur one after the other, I mean just in the past 2-3 weeks.
It's then I wish my father were here especially and realize again how much I am still grieving.
I would like to believe, I'm giving myself a break. On the other hand, as you've honestly expressed, I've given thought as to whether I am subconsciously trying to join Dad.
I don't give up easily.
I've talked to a person of deep faith; tearfully, I stared deeply into his eyes so nothing could come between our gaze, and asked him if my dad wanted me to come to him. Not a second passed, as I saw and heard him speak 'oh, no dear.'
I won't give up, not tonight, tks to you. cf
> i can tell you are not crying wolf. The world you are living in right now is very real.
>
> Is the life you are leading now the life you need in order to grieve and take stock of your inner voice. Or is this time frame not a solace for you but rather a negative period that is drawing you deeper.
>
> your honest answers will show you the way. You can give yourself permission not to answer the phone and have outside contact while you work this thro. When you are done you will know when it is time to return to the world. This choice does not make you a bad person. You are doing it for you.
>
> Another option is to pull yourself out while your feet feel stuck to the sticky quaqmire. This option is used when you feel you are not progressing with option one and actually putting yourself in harms way by continuing that lifestyle.
>
> be well,
> sara
>
Posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2004, at 7:51:56
In reply to Been Too Long At The Fair (Raitt), posted by corafree on October 25, 2004, at 22:42:40
Please go to your DBT (do you have both individual and group?). Even if you don't want to go. Therapy will be your way out of this hole.
I know all about the week's+ worth of dishes in the sink. I will send you some details of my life in the past - I have been where you are. But things are STARTING to get better for me. I have actually invited my parents and sisters to come for dinner on Saturday to say goodbye to my son (he's going to Japan for 3 years with the Army!!). That means that I *do* have a kitchen counter, and that I have vacuumed dog hair in the past month and think I can run a vacuum again before Saturday. This is a MAJOR achievement for me. So it IS possible to move past where you are now.
Keep on plugging. Go to therapy religiously. Do what you can. Forgive yourself for what you can't do.
Falls.
P.S. I can't send you the email right now, so if you don't get it by tomorrow morning, PLEASE remind me to send it to you! My brain is like a sieve, if I don't send it it is because I'm braindead, not because I don't want you to have the info. OK?
Posted by corafree on October 26, 2004, at 13:37:52
In reply to Re: Been Too Long At The Fair (Raitt) » corafree, posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2004, at 7:51:56
Maybe I do forgive myself, and tks for reminding me. But, I'm at the point where I'm not willing to forgive any more therapists. I keep telling them (like in math, when I was young) it is not making sense to me. I mean what are the reasons for the reasons, type thinking? My T was irreverant with me. I told her I was sad and she said 'you need to toughen up'. I've called to discuss this and she's said she would call back, but has not. I'll speak with her today if it's the last thing I do. With as much invalidation as I received since my Dad passed away, I just can't take any more. Nothing seems to come to me out of our individual sessions, and what does I don't remember, and the groups, well there are only three members, and only one is very sharing. So, when confused and want to talk, I do, but I would like to think that peers would help one another in the group. I keep thinking maybe I have ADD. Why isn't it sinking in? Maybe I just can't go, like a detached train car, w/o a hand. My therapist should be that hand and she's not. Going to call her today, now. tks cf
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