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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 15:58:11
I'm sitting here in knee high boots, a top that reveals everything and a purple wig - there is a 'tarts and vicars' party going on downstairs, for my housemate's birthday.
I can hear the music and people down there, but I just want to curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep.I wish I could will myself down there, just for a few hours. I've been 'happy' all day, fighting off the thoughts of the hook in my ceiling and the multistorey carpark down the road. However much I fight, they are always there.
I don't even wan to get drunk this evening (its UK time), I haven't got the energy.
Posted by Dinah on October 16, 2004, at 16:25:09
In reply to I feel so lost, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 15:58:11
Try to keep fighting. And maybe take down the hook? I find that it's easier to remove the object of my ruminations than it is to stop the ruminations.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by Poet on October 16, 2004, at 16:36:13
In reply to I feel so lost, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 15:58:11
I'm so sorry that you are so down that you don't feel like going to the party. I regularly get drunk when I'm depressed which is pretty often lately. Though if I was a tart, I'd be drinking alone. At the party I'd be forced to dress as a vicar as one look at my chubby cheese like thighs would cause a quick end to the festivities.
Hope that made you at least smile.
Hang a stocking on that hook. Better yet, take it down and plaster up the hole in the ceiling. Don't destroy the carpark, just don't walk or drive near it. I have a bridge that I have to avoid, so I understand the lure that high places can have when you are very low.
I'll get drunk for you. I'm in the US so it's a bit early, but what the heck. Pdoc can't yell at me for drinking again, I'm not drinking for myself, I'm helping a friend out. Hope that got another smile.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on October 16, 2004, at 16:41:20
In reply to Re: I feel so lost » cubic_me, posted by Poet on October 16, 2004, at 16:36:13
It sounds like a lovely costume. I wish we could all come over and go with you to the party for a bit for support. I'm sorry things are so tough. Hang on to what keeps you from the car park and the hook. Whatever it is, it must be very important, cause it's worked so far!
(((((cubicme))))))
gg
Posted by Fi on October 16, 2004, at 16:44:52
In reply to I feel so lost, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 15:58:11
I am so sorry, and I have been there several times myself. Its 10.45pm as I write this (in UK), and I am thinking of you and wishing you well. Whatever you decided, the party will be over in a few hours at most.
If its still Sat eve when you read this:
Its OK not to go to the party. Nothing awful will happen if you dont. Tomorrow morning you can apologise to your housemate and explain you werent feeling well, and ask her how it went. If she's up to talking! Just dont make breakfast noisily in the morning (or do things like fry bacon!) If you were here, you wouldnt want someone to come to the party if this made her feel awful, and would understand.
The pressure is all from yourself. And yes, I know how strong that can be. You've got as far as getting ready, then you really just cant face it. Then you start beating yourself up good and proper, and it starts being a huge issue. Going seems harder and harder, and not going seems a more and more timid action.
It doesnt matter really- its just a party. Dont make it a big deal.
If you really want to give it a shot, how about going for a much shorter time than the 'few hours'. 20 minutes and one drink max? You can change your mind later. Do it soon, tho, before people get too drunk! For that reason and to reduce the torture, give yourself a deadline for deciding, so you dont spend every minute till the last guest leaves torturing yourself.
After that, change out of your party stuff and move on if you dont want to go. And move on. I battered myself mentally about several parties, and felt a failure if I didnt go, or went but really late and tense (tho often felt better once got into it).
But I was never good at accepting at the time what I am mentioning to you- its really no big deal. I cant ever remember anyone complaining about me not going to their party (given there are usually lots of people and what is one more or less..) For them, its also all over after the party is over- its not something they will be ruminating about or blaming you about!
So lots and lots of luck, whatever you decide. Be kind to yourself.
If it helps, I have spent the whole evening watching TV and snacking (plus a doze). I could have gone out and done something, but didnt bother. I am not feeling remotely guilty!
Fi
Posted by Fi on October 16, 2004, at 16:49:16
In reply to I feel so lost, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 15:58:11
Personally, I find ringing the Samaritans helps a lot when I am in that sort of state. Rather than just having the thoughts going round and round.
Sometimes they are engaged, so it needs more than one try. If you want to use them, phone is 08457 909090
Fi
Posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 17:15:42
In reply to PS re getting through this time » cubic_me, posted by Fi on October 16, 2004, at 16:49:16
Thankyou so much everyone, for just being there, and caring. It means so much. I'm sorry I haven't the energy (or the privicy) to write to everyone - the party is in our shared house, and there are so many people that they have spread to my room and beyond.
I went downstairs a few times, once I'm there it's ok, but socialising seems so pointless. My costume is causing much amusement, so I don't have to say much for people to be interacting with me! I have to make sure my boobs stay in my kinky bra and my fishnet stockings don't fall down, so that keeps my mind occupied...!
A few of my friends haven't arrived yet, nor has my boyfriend, houseparties here usually go on til 3 or 4am, but I definatly won't be partying til then.
Don't worry about me doing anything to myself right now, I'm not quite at that point, just the thought is going round and round in my mind and driving me mad, as is wanting to cut and not being able to cry :(
It's lonely here
Posted by Fi on October 17, 2004, at 7:48:22
In reply to Thankyou so much, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 17:15:42
A post to the list is fine- you dont need to send individual people.
Having an outfit that needs frequent 'am I decent?' checks is a novel way of coping with a stressful party!! Nice one...
A shame people spilled over in your room. Next time you'll need to put a chair under the door handle!
I think parties and other occassions where everyone else seems happy can be especially lonely times. Being happy seems an alien universe. And they are in one big group, with just you left out (tho there may be others putting on a brave face, you cant tell).Bet it was different this morning for the partygoers tho!
Well done getting thru the party time. People are easier to get to know as social contact/friends in smaller nos, soberish and quieter setting!
Good luck with today! I was once hiding in my room during a housemates party. Next morning, I was up several hours before the others and ended up washing the floors with an old face flannel! The floors all had a thick sticky coating from beer, and we didnt have anything else to clean floors with.
Hope you didnt do that!
no reply expected.
Fi
Posted by Poet on October 17, 2004, at 17:47:20
In reply to Thankyou so much, posted by cubic_me on October 16, 2004, at 17:15:42
Posted by cubic_me on October 18, 2004, at 7:10:20
In reply to You're welcome, hope the party perked you up (nm) » cubic_me, posted by Poet on October 17, 2004, at 17:47:20
The party was ok, I did go downstairs for a couple of hours. I snuck in to my bed (still fully dressed in aformentioned outfit) at about 2.30 but people were here until 4am. A few people slept in my room, but I didn't mind too much - I just pretended I was drunk and went back to sleep.
I'm feeling about the same today, but at least I can spend the evening all on my own, doing my own thing.
This is the end of the thread.
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