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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
hi,
does anyone share my feeling that it is harder to get to know people online? i feel much more effective in person for some reason..i just don't feel like i have much of an impact online..for some reason i thought it would be the other way around..maybe appearance matters more than i thought it did..i thought people liked who i was all this time, and now i'm wondering if they just liked the way i look. or maybe it is just hard to bond and get to know people online (for me). i really wanted to enjoy the online experience (this is pretty much the first group that i've ever been a part of), but now i'm finding myself disillusioned and depressed by it, and attached to the people here..i kind of wish i wasn't. i just feel empty. maybe i'm expecting too much..i'm stuck in my house due to having a broken down car that my bf won't pay $35 to fix (that he drove), and so i can't work, have no money, no cable tv, no books to read, hardly any food, no coffee, no distractions at all! i'm going to go crazy..it has been like this for months now. and on top of the emptiness i'm yelled at continually. ugh..i'm losing my mind, here..sometimes i could use some sort of pick-me-up from this monotony and drudgery..i've experienced many forms of hell in the last 13 years..nonstop..no breaks..so when i hear about people who had depression for 6 months or a year or something and focus on it like it was so terrible that they had to go through that i'm wondering how they would handle a continual 13-year nightmare of the worst kind (and i'm not even including my brother's death, my step-father's death, my father's emotional break from me or my childhood with my demon of a mother--my qualifications for hell are very strict, and these things don't come close). i keep hoping the world will end soon. behind my positive veneer lies the history of a hellishly tortured life..thanks for listening.:)amy
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:04:05
In reply to harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
Hi Amy. I've always found it easier online. But then again I'm ugly.
I think it may be a matter of the phases of the board and the people on it. There seem to be a number of people right now that aren't feeling up to par. I know when I'm feeling poorly it's harder to respond. I'm sure that's true for others as well.
Posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 16:26:50
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » alesta, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:04:05
aw, dinah, i think you're beautiful..thanks for clarifying the board situation..i didn't realize that this was an unusually bad time for everybody..guess i ain't helping the status quo.:)is that full moon gone *yet*...?;) take care, sweetie..
amy:)
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:29:45
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » Dinah, posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 16:26:50
For those who experience it.
I'm generally the opposite of SAD. It's summer that depresses me.
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 18:47:16
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » alesta, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:04:05
Dinah!!! I'm SURE you're not ugly! I bet your inner beauty and intellect and kindness shows through whatever facade you have. I bet you're lovely. :)
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 18:53:24
In reply to harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
hi Amy,
I'm sorry things are so rough! I hope it gets better. I guess for me it's easier to open up and share personal things on-line faster, but it's also easier to "drift away" because the computer is the medium of communication. I still really "like" some of the on-line people, even if I don't know them personally.In real life I feel sometimes awkward about meeting people b/c of looks, gestures, body language, etc. (Like Dinah, I consider myself "ugly" even though I'm probably NOT...but honestly, I'll never be a supermodel!) Also in real life there is the added burden of doing things together physically and "hanging out" -- I mean, this is FUN -- but you have to get thru the intitial friendship stages of awkward silences and sharing and whether to hug or not and who picks up the bill for coffee and all that...and it gets great, but it takes time to get there. All that is bypassed on line! Of course, the physical friends can take care of a dog and hug you when you're sad and bring you a lasagna when you're sick and all that...and you can do all that for them too. I think it's ncie to have a mix of the two!
Anyway, I guess I think that online friendships can flourish if we work at it and put in the reading & typing time.
I hope your life gets easier. And I hope you get the friends you want here. :) I'm available for online friendship! :)
JenStar
Posted by ron1953 on October 1, 2004, at 19:55:27
In reply to harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
Amy:
Relationships with real people are much closer and rewarding than online friends. I like the people I know here but I'd like them better in person. I separated after 30 years of marriage 16 months ago. I had no friends and realized how important it was. I found a men's group and besides the emotional support, they became sort of an extended family and a couple of them have become good friends who I do things with or just hang out. It's necessary to have friends. I was suicidal when I joined the group a few months ago. Now, I'm considerably better. You need to get out and meet some people. How you do it is not as important as that you do it. Find a support group or other women's group. Volunteer at a local hospital. The possibilities are endless. It won't be easy but I guarantee it will pay off. While you're doing these things, we will be here to listen to and support you. Notice that although I have flesh and blood friends, I'm here, too.
Though I haven't been through what you have, I understand the feelings of despair. The fact that you're not keeping busy in any way is giving you too much free time to obsess about all of the things you listed. The obsession-depression cycle is a vicious one, and only you can stop it. First, there has to be a way for you to get the $35 to fix your car. Besides making friends, you can get books for free at the public library, you can take walks, which will definitely help you feel better. You can look for free therapy through government agencies. But you must make it happen. Nobody's going to do it for you. You will do it sooner or later. Why not sooner?
I don't usually like to give such advice and I realize that in your depressed state, it may not be helpful. It's the best I have to offer. Please try to take care of yourself.
Posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 22:23:26
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » alesta, posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 18:53:24
thanks, jenstar (like that name;))! your upbeat, enjoyable-to-read post did perk me up a bit. i appreciate your open, caring response!i hear you concerning all the energy real-world friendships involve..they can be very rewarding, but also a lot of work..yeah, a mix sounds nice.
> Anyway, I guess I think that online friendships can flourish if we work at it and put in the reading & typing time.
good point!i agree..
> I hope your life gets easier. And I hope you get the friends you want here. :) I'm available for online friendship! :)
thanks! well, i'm available, too! :) it was nice meeting you, jen (star).
take care,:)
amy
Posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 22:38:26
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » alesta, posted by ron1953 on October 1, 2004, at 19:55:27
hi, ron, :)
thanks for your caring response..it is definitely helpful..those are great ideas that i'm going to refer back to when i get my car fixed..i could still go for walks now, but it is just so much work to get out of the house right now..no meds, vitamins, and barely eating right now..i never thought i'd be totally poor..it's weird..things just snowballed downhill in that department..everything seems to snowball in life, in a way..but anyways, i appreciate your taking the time to write that, and for caring..it is uplifting. :)
take care!:)
amy
Posted by Jasmineneroli on October 2, 2004, at 0:25:15
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » ron1953, posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 22:38:26
Hi Amy:
You've certainly been through terrible stuff! I can understand why you feel so overwhelmed and down right now.
Maybe you can do just ONE thing each day. Like tomorrow, go for a walk. Can you go for a walk and get a newspaper to read? They're usually very cheap.
And the next day, get on the phone, for any reason at all..just call a store and ask them if they have something in stock......especially a store that sells something you're interested in...I dunno, music, for instance. Get into a short conversation with a stranger who works at a music store for a few minutes. Feel like you're making human contact.
It's all about inches and tiny rays of light/hope.
You are so kind and caring to people at Babble, I can't imagine that you haven't made connections - however superficial.
Take lotsa good care of yourself.
Jas
Posted by ron1953 on October 2, 2004, at 1:57:24
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » ron1953, posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 22:38:26
Amy
OK. It's a good sign that you're receptive to suggestions. The food thing is important. Have you applied for public assistance (food stamps, etc.)? If not, you can apply online in many states. There's no shame in this - ya gotta eat.
Walking is real simple: put your shoes on and put one foot in front of the other. You're gonna be OK. Just get some of these things moving as best you can. Please keep us posted and feel free to ask for help or advice.Ron
Posted by alesta on October 2, 2004, at 6:16:52
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » alesta, posted by ron1953 on October 2, 2004, at 1:57:24
jas and ron,
gosh, y'all are so great! i don't think you know how heartwarming reading your posts is..i'm really at a loss to express it..you guys have all made a difference..remember that. anyway, i'm going to work on the public assistance thing..my bf who i live with is acting nicer after i've mentioned this..i think b/c he thinks i'll leave..i would really rather he help me out a bit with the car and stuff so i can get a job soon, but if that doesn't work i will take your advice. i think he might be coming around..it's funny, i guess i really do need somebody to tell me what i need to do when i'm depressed in order to get moving..that is exactly what i needed..thanx y'all. this thread has really helped. thank you!!
take good care,:)
amy
Posted by Fi on October 4, 2004, at 14:52:27
In reply to harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
You wont know me- I have been on the boards off and on for ages, but not much lately. I think it is harder to bond online. Its amazing that we manage any amount of bonding, when you think how little we can actually communicate in these short written messages. No visual or voice contact, background etc etc.
I have found it positive and also really hard using the boards. The little touches of understanding are great, but the distance of it all (and lack of certainty if anyone will reply, and when) can make it tantalising and too distant when you are feeling really rough. I tend to rely more on helplines at that point- I need to speak to a real person.
Your life sounds rotten. There may well be small things you can do gradually to make things a little better, but I realise that this may seem a huge challenge when you are really down. Its important to do something. Its good you are doing some surfing- that could help provide something to read or distract yourself. Or ordinary TV? Or small manageable amounts of things around the house?
But I realise that its harder in the US than the UK to manage without a car (or someone else who has one).
So I'm glad you do have the boards, and I also understand how that can just give a tantalising little bit of contact. But its still a bit of a help.
Take care.
Fi
Posted by ron1953 on October 5, 2004, at 2:03:53
In reply to harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by alesta on October 1, 2004, at 15:53:08
Posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:26:52
In reply to How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? (nm), posted by ron1953 on October 5, 2004, at 2:03:53
thanks for asking, ron.:) well, things are still characterisitically shitty..i was so bored yesterday i went to bed in the afternoon..i woke up this morning around 1 am to my bf screaming at me..anyway, i somehow got my point across so that he would pick me up a couple things i need at the drugstore (i've been asking him for 3 months) ..he finally agreed and i think is going to get my car situated..i think if i just keep my eye on the prize, i'll be working soon..so i'm kinda happy in that way..but i'm also really sad b/c he did something really demeaning to me this morning that i can't talk about..i'm crying right now..i get this way sometimes but the feeling passes really quick..i hope it does this time..it helps to just get it out..man, when i get the opportunity (money, job, car fixed) i am bolting the he#$ out of here..i just hope i have the willpower to do it..this guy is really starting to get good at wrecking my self-esteem..i really don't want to dwell on this sh#$, though..if i focus on the bad stuff going on, i get so much more depressed..most of the time i try to think of other things..unless i really need to vent. so, in summary, i'm getting there, ron, i just know it!take care, :)
amy
Posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:47:57
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day), posted by Fi on October 4, 2004, at 14:52:27
hi, fi! :)
> You wont know me- I have been on the boards off and on for ages, but not much lately. I think it is harder to bond online. Its amazing that we manage any amount of bonding, when you think how little we can actually communicate in these short written messages. No visual or voice contact, background etc etc.
this is so true!!
since i've been here consistently for a couple months and switched over to the social board, i feel much more supported by people here when i really need them..they touch my heart more..but as a whole, the boards do not provide enough social contact for me, either..hopefully if i can do "Open" eventually that will help..but by that time i'll be working and maybe won't need as much extra social contact, although i don't open up much to people in work situations due to social anxiety..i hope meds help that..i will always come back here, though..
> Your life sounds rotten.
this may sound strange, but thank you for saying that! it helps to have others recognize how bad my situation is. i'm hoping this long stretch of misery will end soon..the time has come! :-)
i'm glad to meet you, fi. and i wish you luck in dealing with whatever hard times you may be experiencing right now. :)
take care,:)
amy
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 5, 2004, at 7:01:40
In reply to Re: How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? » ron1953, posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:26:52
> things are still characterisitically sh[*]tty..
Sorry to be such a prude, but please don't use language that could offend others.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 7:16:27
In reply to Re: please be civil » alesta, posted by Dr. Bob on October 5, 2004, at 7:01:40
Posted by ron1953 on October 5, 2004, at 9:31:48
In reply to Re: How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? » ron1953, posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:26:52
Amy:
Glad to hear good news, especially your plans about your abusive boyfriend. I was concerned about it and nearly ready to bring it up with you. Fortunately, you're smart enough to know you don't need to live with crap like that and that your planning to ditch the SOB. Keep on truckin'!
Ron
Posted by boomarang on October 5, 2004, at 10:16:42
In reply to Re: How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? » ron1953, posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:26:52
amy,
i am the type of female who sits in front of the tv smiling idiotically at romance movies.the die hard romantic in me says 'i can't wait until she is with someone who deserves her love and will love her the way she deserves'.
you seem like such a caring, thoughtful person...I just want to see a happy ending. I know it is out there for you.
Posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 11:36:07
In reply to Re: How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? » alesta, posted by boomarang on October 5, 2004, at 10:16:42
that is so, so sweet boomarang :) (don't mean to get mooshy, here :)). thank you for wishing me happiness in my future relationship! btw, i'm glad you mentioned that you're female! whenever i see an androgynous name, i always pick the wrong gender..guess i have a nack for that, lol. just like i assumed waki and zeugma were female, i thought you were male. go figure! :) anyway, well, i wish i was as optimistic..i've been so used to mentally being alone in this relationship, that i don't think i would mind being alone..i just don't feel so confident that i'm going to find someone who's right for me. for one thing i'm very sensitive and passionate, and this makes even good relationships painful. but thank you so much for the sentiment..you're a doll.
:-)take care, :)
amy
Posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 12:07:04
In reply to Re: How's it going, Amy. Mind giving a update? » alesta, posted by ron1953 on October 5, 2004, at 9:31:48
hey, again, ron! whew! sugar high! :) if this computer freezes up one more time on me i'm gonna kick its *ss..hey, thanks for keeping up with me, dude. hope things are goin' well with you. keep on truckin'--good philosophy.:) take care, man!
:-)
amy
Posted by Fi on October 5, 2004, at 14:48:25
In reply to Re: harder to bond online? my sucky life...(bad day) » Fi, posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 5:47:57
Its not the same as with 'real people'. Kind of inbetween. Helplines and health professionals are somewhere in the middle. Support groups next up. Good friends/family where you share support and a laugh are best- but hard to track down!
I'm not wonderful on social contact either. I hope you get work soon- if you work with nice people, I find that it provides some useful contact with people. Not so alarming as at a party or something. Tho there are limits- you're really lucky if it goes beyond a chat at work to becoming a real friend. Tho maybe with me that's as I work in London, and lots of people move on.
Anyway, I do so understand what you mean about the boards.
I'm just getting over my 11th short spell of depression in the last 19 months (at least they only last a couple of weeks). Back at work so getting my social contact there.
So lots of luck with whatever you do, and ta lots for the feedback
(I dont need/expect a reply to this).
Fi
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 6, 2004, at 16:42:12
In reply to oops. sorry. didn't even realize i wrote that.. (nm), posted by alesta on October 5, 2004, at 7:16:27
This is the end of the thread.
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