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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
You know...work is like a bitter-sweet thing. The pay is nice, but the work is very hard. I find with depression and anxiety, I feel *very* physically sick, in pain at work. It's like every nerve is being burned alive...with no energy, no drive, no happiness...nadda. Being a long-weekend, I'd feel very guilty if I called in sick, because this place I work for hired me when no one else would, and as I said, pays me very well for it. I am sure others feel this way, no?
Jay
Posted by B2chica on September 3, 2004, at 12:53:52
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
YES.
i feel almost-no i do feel guiltily lucky to have this job. it is great, i normally love it and do well at it. My boss has been unbelievably patient and Very supportive through ALL this last year. Especially during my hospitalization. I couldn't be luckier (guilt pours out of 50 gallon drum into me here...)
lately i can't hardly function at all. i come here and stare blankly at my schedule trying to figure out what i do next. stare at my computer taking about 10 minutes just to figure out what to look at or start on.
it takes me at least 10 times longer than it used to, to do Any type of task.When i'm here i just want to go home. i want to sleep in my bed. i want to journal and just dwell on my "issues". as if they don't already bog down 89% of my brain's harddrive space. In My head i'm running 100gig harddrive space and lately 70 gig are mental health issues, 20gig are "spacing out/zoning/disappearing to who knows where" issues, and 10 gig is for school, work, spouse, house, family, painting, friends, and ADL. seems sligtly unbalanced ya think?(sarcasm here).
then i have a whoping 2gig memory in my head but 1.9gig is being used by "Mental health issues" and 100mb for Everything else!I used to LOVE work, now, i dread it. I've been late to work all week and i know my boss has noticed. i made aslight comment about my being online a lot as well...(busted on babble) yet, what am i doing right now???
yesterday i decided i think i'm subconciously wanting to get fired. I guess cuz i'm too chicken sh@$ to quit, this way if i get fired "there's no responsibility on me for that". (ha-at least that's what i'd tell myself)
i'm just very non-functioning. i've always been a borderline person, always wavering. and i'm on the border yet again...i'm functioning enough for people here to not really notice, at home enough to not really notice, and with friends just enough so they don't notice. i guess i'm just so used to covering up no one sees all the cracks in my foundation and that i'm minutes away from becoming lost forever.at least when you have a broken leg i know to get a cast, i can use more of my other limbs to compensate and i know in about 6 months i'll be back to normal.
With my mind, i can't compensate other than slowing down in life and i have NO idea when or IF i'll be back.
I remember my boss did get on me a while back about something and i emailed him back telling him i was still struggling and that he'd probably just be disappointed cuz my mind still wasn't back to "normal" and to be honest i don't think it ever will be.
That's the truth. at this point i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i don't see that i will ever function at that level again.
maybe, maybe someday with LOTS of therapy, and drugs, and life adjustments...but not now...not in any near future.sorry bout the rampage of words.
boy do i understand jay.
b2c.
Posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 12:56:01
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Hi Jay,
I felt that way for over twenty years and if I could do it again I would've taken a lower-paying job with opportunity for advancement and gone to school at the same time, because I think the job itself added to my depression. Now I seem to be incapable of doing a job I don't enjoy. I worked that whole higher-pay for lower-job satisfaction thing right out of myself. Now I need to get an education, I think that's going to be a big new satisfaction for me. Thanks for letting me butt in Jay. Take care, I'm sending you energy *******Jay*******
Posted by Angela2 on September 3, 2004, at 13:13:58
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Jay,
I think that going to work can be a very difficult thing especially if it's boring, makes you stressed. What gets me through it is knowing that I'm doing the right thing. When my aunt found out I was going back to school she said "you're a good girl." Just that statement alone means so much to me because I know I'm doing something society rewards. And that to megives me the motivation to be able to get through it. I don't know if this helped at all, but I just wanted to put my two cents in because I thought that maybe it would make some sense.
A
Posted by partlycloudy on September 3, 2004, at 13:26:37
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Jay, I know what you mean so well! I am grateful for this job I have; know that I can't work at my best capacity; pretty regularly spaz out and weep at my desk, and I am doing the lowest level job here. I mean, I fill the fridge up with sodas before I leave. I sort the mail and answer the phones. I have downsized myself so my job stress gets lower and lower along with my paycheck.
I just spent an hour crying here. I am no more capable of keeping it together at this nothing job than I was in retail management. Right now it is beyond me. Probably it will always be beyond me.
I don't know if I can go to work next week, I hurt so bad.
Sorry, this post was supposed to make you feel better but instead I just added my own pathetic whine...
Posted by AuntieMel on September 3, 2004, at 13:48:09
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Others feel this way, YES!
Before I slipped down this far, I was very functional in a very fulfilling job. I'm at the same job, but I have a really, really hard time focusing. It drives me Nuts!
Posted by Charm on September 3, 2004, at 14:53:40
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Hi Jay -
Go to work, Babe!
Yes, I do know just how you feel. That's why I felt so compelled to respond to your message. Not that I would wish it on anyone, it still a comfort to know that others feel the same way I do. Even though I have a relatively cushy job some days I have felt so lethargic, tired, unmotivated and so unhappy. I really just wanted to go home, sit on my couch and watch TV (basically tuning out reality).
Jay, adding Wellbutrin and Adderall to my prescriptions have really helped with my motivation and energy. I'm not saying that they have totally cured it, but it has made a great deal of difference for me. The improvement happened even though no other factors in my life have altered (no therapy, same work mates, same family, same pets, etc.)
I hope that somehow you are able to find something, be it therapy, medication, social support, the right life partner, etc. that will make the job and the days more bearable.
I wish you the best,
Charm
Posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 17:05:33
In reply to Re: Dreading going to work...ughh... » jay, posted by partlycloudy on September 3, 2004, at 13:26:37
Partlycloudy,
It's not a "nothing job" you have. I'm just starting a job that pays less than half what I used to make; some people would say it doesn't require much, but I can honestly say that unless everyone does their job properly, things fall apart very rapidly all the way up the line.
Retail management can be pretty stressful all on its own, right? You're probably doing your job now to satisfaction, even though you're not feeling like you are... you did what you had to do to get yourself into a place where you're not being overly stressed, criticized and disappointing yourself on the job (is that right or am I way off base?). If that's the case then you're probably on the right track you know. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know how to survive, you've learned the hard way, you're a survivor. That takes courage.
Posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 17:09:18
In reply to Re: Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 17:05:33
PC: Just for your info, I turned down a higher-paying job today so that I could have less stress and a regular schedule. It's so nice that this thread was started, because I was feeling really conflicted about what to do.
Right now we just can't deal with any extra stress. Make yourself a priority. Do you know what I mean? ((((PC))))
Posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 21:07:41
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
Jay,
I worked for years in a job where I just was breaking down at every turn. It's just a lousy situation especially when you are being paid well and feel like you can't leave because of it (the golden handcuffs). I ended up switching to a lower paying job in the mental health field, and I am much less stressed at work now. I was fortunate to be able to do that financially b/c staying where I had been would've been impossible. Is it the job itself that is getting you down or the people you work with or just the day to day grind?
Good luck with things.
Allison
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