Posted by B2chica on September 3, 2004, at 12:53:52
In reply to Dreading going to work...ughh..., posted by jay on September 3, 2004, at 11:49:28
YES.
i feel almost-no i do feel guiltily lucky to have this job. it is great, i normally love it and do well at it. My boss has been unbelievably patient and Very supportive through ALL this last year. Especially during my hospitalization. I couldn't be luckier (guilt pours out of 50 gallon drum into me here...)
lately i can't hardly function at all. i come here and stare blankly at my schedule trying to figure out what i do next. stare at my computer taking about 10 minutes just to figure out what to look at or start on.
it takes me at least 10 times longer than it used to, to do Any type of task.When i'm here i just want to go home. i want to sleep in my bed. i want to journal and just dwell on my "issues". as if they don't already bog down 89% of my brain's harddrive space. In My head i'm running 100gig harddrive space and lately 70 gig are mental health issues, 20gig are "spacing out/zoning/disappearing to who knows where" issues, and 10 gig is for school, work, spouse, house, family, painting, friends, and ADL. seems sligtly unbalanced ya think?(sarcasm here).
then i have a whoping 2gig memory in my head but 1.9gig is being used by "Mental health issues" and 100mb for Everything else!I used to LOVE work, now, i dread it. I've been late to work all week and i know my boss has noticed. i made aslight comment about my being online a lot as well...(busted on babble) yet, what am i doing right now???
yesterday i decided i think i'm subconciously wanting to get fired. I guess cuz i'm too chicken sh@$ to quit, this way if i get fired "there's no responsibility on me for that". (ha-at least that's what i'd tell myself)
i'm just very non-functioning. i've always been a borderline person, always wavering. and i'm on the border yet again...i'm functioning enough for people here to not really notice, at home enough to not really notice, and with friends just enough so they don't notice. i guess i'm just so used to covering up no one sees all the cracks in my foundation and that i'm minutes away from becoming lost forever.at least when you have a broken leg i know to get a cast, i can use more of my other limbs to compensate and i know in about 6 months i'll be back to normal.
With my mind, i can't compensate other than slowing down in life and i have NO idea when or IF i'll be back.
I remember my boss did get on me a while back about something and i emailed him back telling him i was still struggling and that he'd probably just be disappointed cuz my mind still wasn't back to "normal" and to be honest i don't think it ever will be.
That's the truth. at this point i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i don't see that i will ever function at that level again.
maybe, maybe someday with LOTS of therapy, and drugs, and life adjustments...but not now...not in any near future.sorry bout the rampage of words.
boy do i understand jay.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:385999
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/386029.html