![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:32:09
Sabrina,
I read your post to Scott and B2 above, and wanted to know more about the sleeping pills and wine, what put you there, was it postpartum depression? When did this happen? You don't have to reply of course; I like the way you wrote about the incident, it feels very real.
Posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 2:09:16
In reply to For SAW, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:32:09
It was one of the most real things in my life. I will post a story soon called COT STORY FOR SUSAN - keep an eye out.
Regards
Sabrina
Posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:41:05
In reply to Re: For SAW » Susan47, posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 2:09:16
Dear Susan
I have been wondering what to write after your request to know more about what I went through. I have been asking myself what I was thinking and feeling at the time and the memories or experience has become quite fragmented. Be that as it may, it was real to me, to others I was just looking for attention. I am not sure to this day what I was looking for. I just know that I was very, very tired.
I went through a traumatic marriage ending in divorce before my baby was a year old. The divorce and years of abuse left me so traumatized that I crashed. Completely. During the crash, I made some unwise choices that aided my breakdown and my ultimate decision to lie down in my baby’s cot and seek some freedom. One clear memory that I do have is the smell, that sweet, sweet smell of my flesh and blood and of how much I love him and how much I was failing him!
I did survive, and that was the turning point at that stage to a degree of wellness. I retreated into denial and I retreated into an aura of “I am stronger now and don’t need medication or therapy”. That was 5 years ago.
This year has been particularly stressful thus far and I noticed closer and closer to my wedding in May, that I simply wasn’t handling the stresses of my life very well. I nearly lost my new husband because of it. I blamed all sorts of external things until about 2 months ago when I realized that I had relapsed into a very sever and major depression. With my husband not being very amiable to depression, I was running away from admitting it to myself and to him. But having been through all this before, I knew I didn’t want to end up closing my eyes on my now 6 year old child’s pillow on his double bunk bed! And so I reached out to him, and he still tries to understand, and he still supports me. (In any event, the bed doesn’t smell nearly as nice as the cot because the dog sleeps with him!)
I have been on Effexor for the last month and have responded relatively well. I am still tired and lethargic and feel “lazy” quite often. (Hence the post about channel hopping on the TV). I have developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well, and that is not quite under control yet.
I do find myself feeling a lot of empathy for what I read on the boards and would like to be a part of the closeness. I have been following your support to others and your own posts since I joined and feel a lot for you, or for what you are going through and like I said last week, look forward to making a new friend.
Have enjoyed sharing with you.
Take care Susan
Regards
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 9:42:21
In reply to Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)), posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:41:05
Sabrina, here's your first Babble hug:
(((((Sabrina))))) You have done so much self discovery in the last year - that is so admirable. I'm on Effexor too, and the last vestiges of lethargy lifted when we added Wellbutrin to my cocktail. It also took me a long time to get up to speed on the Effexor.
I look forward to getting to know you better - I know we have much in common already.
pc
Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 9:50:43
In reply to Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)), posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:41:05
Sabrina,
I can understand why you laid in your son's cot. If I had a chance to be a mother to my infant son again, maybe if I laid in his cot instead of being afraid of his baby sweetness, thinking he might be evil, maybe I would have been stronger at the time. I don't know if there is anything that has the same emotional punch as a mother's feelings for her baby. Especially when she's depressed. It's just an unbelievably overwhelming way to exist. So so bittersweet.
When my last two were babies I used to wonder, should I continue? And if I don't, should I take them with me? What have I done? I didn't have any right to bring two more people into the world when I'm this messed up. And I was really messed up. And other being around me denying that was really unhelpful. There are a lot of people in our lives who will try to minimize what we're feeling and that creates frustration (I'm talking for myself, no one else) and a real feeling of helplessness, like, "What's the matter with me that I can't be better, stronger, happier, hopeful?".
And having babies and children at the same time is so so hard. Honestly, I think so many more mothers and fathers go through this than we realize. I don't know, would it make a difference if we knew we had so much company? But support groups, forget it. It means having to put yourself out there and who feels competent to do that when you're depressed?
I feel for every parent who loves loves loves their child but doesn't feel good about his/her life. Therapy and the right antidepressant helped me very much, (which in the end also helps my children) and if there's any way to get those things, I think that's a really good start.
I have to end this but I hope we can talk properly one day, I realize I've been rambling and haven't really communicated with *you*. Ciao!
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 1:25:42
In reply to Re: Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)), posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 9:50:43
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 1:26:38
In reply to Re: Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)) » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 9:42:21
Thank you so much pc, your post made me feel so special.
Sabrina
Posted by Susan47 on September 1, 2004, at 22:48:30
In reply to Re: Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)) » partlycloudy, posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 1:26:38
I re-read your original post on this thread and I'm always amazed at how many people on Babble, you being one, have such an eloquent way of expressing themselves. Your post is full of genuine feeling and the best humanity has to offer (empathy, kindness, vulnerability). Big Hug to you lovey. (((((Sabrina)))))
Posted by SAW on September 2, 2004, at 1:28:41
In reply to Dear Sabrina, posted by Susan47 on September 1, 2004, at 22:48:30
Thank you (((((Susan))))) - you have made my day!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.