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Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long))

Posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:41:05

In reply to Re: For SAW » Susan47, posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 2:09:16

Dear Susan

I have been wondering what to write after your request to know more about what I went through. I have been asking myself what I was thinking and feeling at the time and the memories or experience has become quite fragmented. Be that as it may, it was real to me, to others I was just looking for attention. I am not sure to this day what I was looking for. I just know that I was very, very tired.

I went through a traumatic marriage ending in divorce before my baby was a year old. The divorce and years of abuse left me so traumatized that I crashed. Completely. During the crash, I made some unwise choices that aided my breakdown and my ultimate decision to lie down in my baby’s cot and seek some freedom. One clear memory that I do have is the smell, that sweet, sweet smell of my flesh and blood and of how much I love him and how much I was failing him!

I did survive, and that was the turning point at that stage to a degree of wellness. I retreated into denial and I retreated into an aura of “I am stronger now and don’t need medication or therapy”. That was 5 years ago.

This year has been particularly stressful thus far and I noticed closer and closer to my wedding in May, that I simply wasn’t handling the stresses of my life very well. I nearly lost my new husband because of it. I blamed all sorts of external things until about 2 months ago when I realized that I had relapsed into a very sever and major depression. With my husband not being very amiable to depression, I was running away from admitting it to myself and to him. But having been through all this before, I knew I didn’t want to end up closing my eyes on my now 6 year old child’s pillow on his double bunk bed! And so I reached out to him, and he still tries to understand, and he still supports me. (In any event, the bed doesn’t smell nearly as nice as the cot because the dog sleeps with him!)

I have been on Effexor for the last month and have responded relatively well. I am still tired and lethargic and feel “lazy” quite often. (Hence the post about channel hopping on the TV). I have developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well, and that is not quite under control yet.

I do find myself feeling a lot of empathy for what I read on the boards and would like to be a part of the closeness. I have been following your support to others and your own posts since I joined and feel a lot for you, or for what you are going through and like I said last week, look forward to making a new friend.

Have enjoyed sharing with you.

Take care Susan





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