![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 12:28:31
I wasn't avoiding the board, I've been busy this morning. My apologies.
Damn it, this is what I hate about Babble. This is why I should have never come back here. I'm the monster on the movie screen, you're the terrified audience. B2 is the siren in distress. I hope B2 makes it. I really do. If there was anything I could do to help her make it, I would.
I won't make that same effort for myself. I'm sick of effort, and I'm sorry that so many people are freaking out over my absolute acquiescence to what I feel is an inevitable end of a long journey. Let's face it, not everyone makes it. Bipolar disorder has the highest suicide attempt rate going. Men have the highest success rate for completion vs. attempt. The odds were stacked against me from the beginning. Sure, some can say I'm just hiding behind empty numbers to justify a self-fulfilling desire. Perhaps. But my point is, the numbers are there, and they didn't get to be that way because we have flat feet.
I'm done. And I'm NOT going to do it myself. There's no smoking gun in my future. No empty bottle of pills, no warm tub of water and straight razors... I'm not going to make a single deliberate and overt action to bring about my own demise. I just may make it out of this by pure default. But I'm not making any promises to anyone about anything for any reason. I'm not taking my meds and I'm not going to to see anyone and I'm not going to take care anymore. Let whatever happens, happen.
But B2 needs help.
Isn't hypocrisy great?
Posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 13:14:16
In reply to I'm here, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 12:28:31
Scott - I don't like posting here. It's the whole lab rat/publishing thing. Would you either email me at emilysimon2003 at yahoo dot com, or post your email addy? There are things I'd like very much to say to you, but I can't do that here. I'm harmless and I promise not to be of any help what so ever. :-) I think GG and KK will vouch for that!
Thank you. emmy
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 13:19:46
In reply to Re: I'm here, posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 13:14:16
Check your email in about 5 minutes.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 27, 2004, at 14:29:18
In reply to I'm here, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 12:28:31
Still love you dude, and I do respect your decisions, no matter what.
pc
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:54:00
In reply to I'm here, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 12:28:31
I'll learn to mind my own biz, promise. You do what you need to do, and if you want to vent here and talk suicidal, I'm staying out of it it's none of my business. Thank you.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 16:01:36
In reply to I apologize Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:54:00
No no no! That's not what I meant! I just meant take it easy! calm down, have a cup of tea. You're more upset about this than I am, for gosh sakes. Don't beat yourself up Susan, empathy is a strong emotion. I'm not mad at you, no one is. Hell, people are probably mad at me for getting you all worked up.
It's ok to care. Just care about yourself a bit more, ok? Please?
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:09:20
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott » Susan47, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 16:01:36
I'm a hard person really. I'm not that worked up, and if I am it's a surprise to me. Having said that though, I'm admitting that you triggered me when you talked about tying up loose ends, and you sounded really energetic and focussed about doing that. Did you know that many people are the most hopeful, happy, energetic and focussed just before they ... because, ironically, tying up the loose ends gives them something to live for. Having said that,
If you really want to do away with yourself Scott, we all know you will. I just didn't think you'd be happy with that (isn't *that* hilarious?) seeing as how you posted here beforehand. If you've really given up all hope, would we be hearing from you? I don't know. I'm going to go tie up my hands now lovey, have a nice day. Thanks for caring about me, too, Scott.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:17:49
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott » Susan47, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 16:01:36
See, this is a good lesson for me. Now I don't know where Scott is mentally, emotionally, or anything else. And I have to throw up my hands and say, "I cared, and if that was wrong, pffft". Because if I can't do that, I might as well give up too because I'll be thinking I'm too much of a failure at life, and I really really don't want to do that. So pffft.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 16:50:22
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:17:49
Susan you did the best you could and it was pretty wonderful. You do care and I am touched by your reaching out to another human being in such a sincere and loving way. No one any where can ever fault you for that.
I was right there with you. I felt the same way you felt. it was hard.
It's not an all or nothing kind of thing. We are all so wonderfully human and there's a time to speak up and state what you feel and you did that...I am right there with you. Remember that please. It's always hard when we care so much and are left hanging out there with our feelings public. but you did, said and felt the right thing.
We just didn't want to lose you too when you felt bad about yourself.
I think we all need a cup of tea.
What is going on?
is it the coming full moon?
So please rest easy now. You are wonderful and caring. I like that about you.
talk to you soon.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:07:30
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott, posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 16:50:22
Jai,
I like the same things about you. I'm having hot milk. And I want to crawl into bed and ease my aching bones but I can't, I have to do dishes no matter how much I hate them. life. And Thank You. (((jai)))
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 18:21:42
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:07:30
Your absolutely right about one thing, this has become ridicilous. I will say that I'm not embarassed, I'm terribly frustrated and I'm also very frightened. And I blame myself 100%. I didn't have to come back to Babble. I came back with honest intentions to get information about my new med mix. Then, I expressed my frustration about the failure I felt about my new mix, and that sparked my posts on Writing. My writing became darker and darker, and it connected with B2. We started talking in the open outside of our writing, moved it from Writing to here, and then this happened. My fault, end of story.
I have always said that I want good things for Babblers, and anyone that has read my earlier posts might vouch for me on that. I hope for nothing less than life for everyone here. We deserve nothing less than that. We didn't ask for this. We didn't go out of our way to create the lives that we lead right now. None of us want to be bipolar, or unipolar, or psychotic, or anything. We want, in the part of us that shines within us deep down, to be well. To be normal. And we know what normal is, be we're not it. Normal is the opposite of what we do or think. Of course I'm speaking in broad and sweeping generalities, but the message is clear enough I think. I came here because I wanted guidance, I left because I couldn't keep my foot out of my mouth. This apparently is my third strike in 6 months.
When I said "Dr. Bob, I was kidding"... well come on, you know damned well what I was saying. I'm scared as all hell that he'll call my ISP (which is my job) and then the fragile house of cards I'm maintaining will collapse and then I won't have any options left. It'll be HR and mandatory evaluations, probably an involuntary leave of absense (which is medical leave coverage, that equals about 2/3 of my base pay) which would crush me financially. At least where I am now, wasting away, I can stop. I still have options. I still have some degree over the choices and decisions I have. Am I miserable? Hell yes I am. Do I wish a truck would hit me in an intersection and take all this away? Yes. Why? Because it would be instant and there's nothing that happens afterwards. Losing my job, going to the hospital, etc, a LOT happens after that. I don't want to deal with all that. I've said it a hundred times... I CANNOT do this myself! I have TRIED! I can't. I wish I could. I really do. I'm probably the most suicide-proof person in the world. I just can't do it. If I could, I would not be writing this right now and I sure as all get out would not be here. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it. I want it soooo bad. But I can't, and I know I can't, so there's no reason to continue to go on about it, it's not going to happen like that.
I hope I've clairified myself and my intent. I blame no one but myself, no one is responsible for Scott in Vermont but Scott in Vermont, and if I have frightened anyone, all I can do is offer an apology. I need to reconsider the reasons I post here.
I'm going to print this post. I really, really need to think about why I post here.
Posted by JenStar on August 27, 2004, at 19:14:34
In reply to No apology necessary » Susan47, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 18:21:42
Scott,
Hey. Life is precious. If you're not wasting away from a horrible painful (physically painful) disease like cancer, there is always the chance that life will get better. In fact, there is always the CERTAINTY that life will get better. Statistics...our good friends!The only time I think suicide is the "right" answer is if a person is gripped with awful, mind-piercing physical pain that really will never improve. When I think about THAT possibility, I feel GLAD that I have the 'insignificant' problems that I do.
I'm not saying that your problems are insignificant. They are not. But life is cool! I love it! Don't you love it?
You're not a monster on the screen. You're our tragic hero, and I'm rooting for a happy ending for both you and B2.
There's no foot in your mouth (or if there is, join the club...I think I and many people here taste our soles on a regular basis! Yummy. Possibly I'm doing it now...I do it so often it's actually hard to tell anymore!)
Is it possible that you DO want Dr. Bob to make a call? Or for someone to make a call? Or for your self to make a call or some kind?
There's nothing I can do over email except say that I believe your life is worthwhile and I hope you keep it. And that I hope you keep coming to Babble.
The turmoil and misunderstanding here on Babble are kind of fun in a way, aren't they? I don't mean "fun" that people feel hurt or misunderstood...but "fun" in the sense that we get to learn more about how we operate and how others operate, and that after the turmoil, there is usually a deeper understanding of each other.
I hope you're well. Don't leave Babble! We're tough. We can take a little upheaval. I hope you can too.
Take care.
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on August 27, 2004, at 19:19:16
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:17:49
Susan,
you're not a failure! You're an empathetic person. You tried a few literary devices (so to speak); a few phrases over email designed to try and help. Now you're getting feedback from others on how it worked. People are ALWAYS going to diverge on words -- some will like the way something sounds, and we'll all interpret things differently.But it's only WORDS -- it's so hard to communicate over email. I think (from knowing you thru the multiple messages we've exchanged) that you have a deep empathy for others. I can see that you are trying different verbal and written techniques and styles to help. That's never bad!
Don't give up. Have that tea or milk, get some rest, and come back here later. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
JenStarPS - Unfortunately I have some deadlines @ work & can't post as much as I'd like. If you hear from me less frequently, it's not me trying to be cold or unfriendly...just busy. :)
take care.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 22:01:46
In reply to No apology necessary » Susan47, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 18:21:42
It's very very honest. I think you're a lovely person; you're very deep and you have such a wonderful ability to care about all of us here on Babble even though you're going through hell. I really want the best for you. Please don't worry about anything you've said on here. I've been a complete ass lots of times and I know I will be again, because I live. Pfft. ((((((Scott))))))
Posted by octopusprime on August 28, 2004, at 2:03:37
In reply to No apology necessary » Susan47, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 18:21:42
scott,
i understand you are going thru a divorce proceeding and child support orders. this is all very new and complex to you.
while i have never been divorced myself, i have held a few people's hands thru divorce and child support proceedings.
it is a terrible awful thing you are going thru right now. and i don't wish to minimize that. it's probably one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing you will have to go thru in your life.
but it is TEMPORARY. i can't emphasize that enough. TEMPORARY.
i hope you can find the strength to make it thru this terrible time, for your children and for the people that love you.
i hope you can find hope.
i know you are tired of fighting, i hope you can see that is a symptom of depression that is all too common for people in your situation.
you work for a big company, yes? you have an employee assistance program? i know you fired your pdoc and your therapist, but i wish you could talk to somebody. i wish you could talk and try to start again. i know it is so hard.
but i know you can live again. i know you can start again. i have faith. i will be thinking of you.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.