Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 18:21:42
In reply to Re: I apologize Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:07:30
Your absolutely right about one thing, this has become ridicilous. I will say that I'm not embarassed, I'm terribly frustrated and I'm also very frightened. And I blame myself 100%. I didn't have to come back to Babble. I came back with honest intentions to get information about my new med mix. Then, I expressed my frustration about the failure I felt about my new mix, and that sparked my posts on Writing. My writing became darker and darker, and it connected with B2. We started talking in the open outside of our writing, moved it from Writing to here, and then this happened. My fault, end of story.
I have always said that I want good things for Babblers, and anyone that has read my earlier posts might vouch for me on that. I hope for nothing less than life for everyone here. We deserve nothing less than that. We didn't ask for this. We didn't go out of our way to create the lives that we lead right now. None of us want to be bipolar, or unipolar, or psychotic, or anything. We want, in the part of us that shines within us deep down, to be well. To be normal. And we know what normal is, be we're not it. Normal is the opposite of what we do or think. Of course I'm speaking in broad and sweeping generalities, but the message is clear enough I think. I came here because I wanted guidance, I left because I couldn't keep my foot out of my mouth. This apparently is my third strike in 6 months.
When I said "Dr. Bob, I was kidding"... well come on, you know damned well what I was saying. I'm scared as all hell that he'll call my ISP (which is my job) and then the fragile house of cards I'm maintaining will collapse and then I won't have any options left. It'll be HR and mandatory evaluations, probably an involuntary leave of absense (which is medical leave coverage, that equals about 2/3 of my base pay) which would crush me financially. At least where I am now, wasting away, I can stop. I still have options. I still have some degree over the choices and decisions I have. Am I miserable? Hell yes I am. Do I wish a truck would hit me in an intersection and take all this away? Yes. Why? Because it would be instant and there's nothing that happens afterwards. Losing my job, going to the hospital, etc, a LOT happens after that. I don't want to deal with all that. I've said it a hundred times... I CANNOT do this myself! I have TRIED! I can't. I wish I could. I really do. I'm probably the most suicide-proof person in the world. I just can't do it. If I could, I would not be writing this right now and I sure as all get out would not be here. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it. I want it soooo bad. But I can't, and I know I can't, so there's no reason to continue to go on about it, it's not going to happen like that.
I hope I've clairified myself and my intent. I blame no one but myself, no one is responsible for Scott in Vermont but Scott in Vermont, and if I have frightened anyone, all I can do is offer an apology. I need to reconsider the reasons I post here.
I'm going to print this post. I really, really need to think about why I post here.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:382984
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/383116.html