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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:36:03
TexasChick, I hope everythign works out. Your situation with your friend sound very icky. I myself have been in these types of situations before But only one of the people I thought was my good friend. He was such a jerk to me and acted like he didn't want anything to do with me, but in a nice way. So I never really knew if he cared. I wish I had confronted him about it but I never did so now I'll always wonder. *Standing up on a podium*: Let my actions be a lesson to you, Texaschick. Confront your friend and assert yourself. You must know for sure if you are friends or not. You must have closure. You must do this for your own mental wellbeing. You have to know the truth. The truth is out there! *steps down*
I'm rooting for you TexasChick
Posted by partlycloudy on August 10, 2004, at 15:11:56
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
I really liked you up on that soapbox! You go, girl!
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
Thank you Angela2! That's just the incouragement I need! She didn't respond to my email, which makes me so angry! I am determined to get something out of her though. If I have to go to her house and confront her I will. Of course, if she's being totally unreasonable, I will try not to let myself get dragged into that frame of mind. But I will at least try confronting her in person once. Then that's it. The worst part for me is I worry that she's avoiding me because I'm about to get fired. But I guess I'll find out eventually. Thanks everyone for your support. This has been really hard on me.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?! » Angela2, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
I finally asked S why she was ignoring my emails and she said, "Because R (our boss) said we're not supposed to do that anymore". I said, "Well, you could have told me that rather than let me keep asking over and over why your not answering me." She repeated, "Well, R said we weren't supposed to do that anymore." So I said, "You could have told me verbally rather than letting it go on and on." She just shrugged her shoulders and walked off. I am just so sick of her and upset with her I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she's intentionally trying to irk me. I just wish I had another job and could get out of here.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
In reply to Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
Here's a kleenex, TC. I know she is supposed to be your friend, but can I tell you (as your friend) that she isn't acting like one? I'm afraid I have had friends like this before. I've been incredibly upset and hurt by the things they've done and said - or not said. I'm definitely "gun shy" about making friends - it takes me a long long time, because I don't want to feel that vulnerable again. I have acquaintances that I keep an arm's length from for that very reason: I can see that the friendship would be parasitic instead of symbiotic. I'm way too fragile to open myself up to being friends with someone who is basically trying to crawl up the boss's behind, if you know what I mean.
At least you got an answer - kind of. You deserve a much better friend than she is capable of.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
Thank you PC. I just wish I could get past the hurt, but I don't seem to be able to just yet.
I've actually been printing out everyone's emails so that I can at least try to keep things in perspective. I just find it so hard to believe that someone can really be this hard hearted. I keep thinking, there's got to be some other explanation. I just can't comprehend the way she's behaving.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
If it weren't for my nephew Christopher, I'd just get up and leave without saying anything and go drive off the nearest bridge. I'm just so sick of being miserable. But of course I could never do that as long as Christopher needs me as much as he does. I know that sounds dramatic for the situation, but I guess its something that hovers there in my mind, waiting to jump out when I'm feeling especially low.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
I'm feeling better now. That old suicide idealation (sp) just busts out every so often. I just have a hard time handling rejection I guess. I'm going to a meetup.com meeting tonight. I don't really feel like it, but I'm going to try to force myself because I know its a good idea. I'll let you know how it goes. I missed last night's meeting because I went to the dentist and felt crappy, plus I had the new kitty to take care of and get stuff for. I still don't have a real litter box yet, I'm using the bottom of a cheap styrofoam cooler that I cut the top off of.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
Sorry your friend is being so cold. I know from experience how stressful and painful it is when coworkers don't get along. Especially ones that were friends.
Also, I meant to post to you about my meetup, but somehow I overlooked that part of this thread and I forgot. :(
My hubby and I were the second people to show, so we got to speak with the coordinator a bit. We hit it off right away, and had some things in common. It was a nice, diverse group, and I really enjoyed meeting them. I'll probably see some again if I actually do volunteer for this candidate as I intend.
Hang in there. Maybe try working on letting this friendship go, closure or not? Perhaps you can do some ritual like writing your thoughts on a slip of paper and putting it into a balloon and then releasing it, as you release her power to hurt you???
Take care, TC. We're here for you.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2004, at 8:07:11
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
Thank you gg. That means alot to me. And the thing about the balloon is such a great idea! I might just do that.
I went to my first meetup last night. It was great! I can't remember the last time I sat around and had intelligent conversation with like minded people. By the end of the night we were talking about a get together at a person's house this weekend. They were just the nicest group of people. I guess the first step in making new friends is just putting yourself out there. I encourage anyone to try meetup.com.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 8:27:08
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2004, at 8:07:11
You took a risk going to the meetup, at least as far as I'm concerned. Meeting new people can be fun, but also stressful. Good for you! I'm glad it went well.
Take care,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 8:46:32
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 8:27:08
Well, yesterday after work I went over to a co-worker's house (I'll call her P), the one that me and S have always hung out with. Since S has gotten mad at me I've been hanging out exclusively with P, and S has been kind of avoiding us both.
Well yesterday at work, I realized that despite what was said in the meeting, my boss was having S split the work like I asked. I was a little confused as to why but decided this was a chance to prove myself. So here I was doing my work, it was going well and I was going to be finished a day early, and it dawned on me that for the first time in a long time I was actually enjoying my work! That made me realize how much S's attitude had effected me all these months. For some reason this made me finally able to let go of the hurt. I don't know if it was because I was finally getting the satifaction of getting my job done, or just the lack of the negative comments from S, but I actually felt good!
So after work P invited me over and we were hanging out, and she said she noticed the difference in me and was glad I was able to be happy again. After about an hour of being over there S calls and wants to come over and see P. P told her okay, and after she got off the phone I asked her if she told S I was there. She said no, why, will it be weird? And I was like, well.... I thought about it and said, no I don't think it will be. We're both adults. After talking about it a while we decided she should call her back and tell her I was there. So she did, and after she got off the phone she told me S said, yes it would be weird, but she'd come over anyway. Well, that made*me* feel weird so I decided to just go ahead and leave because I had put up with the weirdness enough at work everyday. P didn't want me to leave but said she understood.
So for like two hours I was so upset and feeling sorry for myself imagining them over there talking about me. I waited as long as I could and finally called P, and she said S didn't stay very long and really didn't have much to say. She thought it was kind of strange. But I feel like I know what happened. Yesterday, when I finally let go of the hurt, I started being friendlier and more of the fun loving person I usually am, and I felt as if S noticed and was kind of jealous that everyone was talking to me and going on smoke breaks with me and not her. So I felt like that was what instigated her calling P.
Another thing that occured to me yesterday was that I didn't know what S was mad at me about. I mean, I really can't figure out what it can be! And because she refuses to talk about it with me, it just makes it more frusterating. So now I'm in this weird place between feeling good again and being frusterated because I have no idea what the heck *I* did to *her*.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening/reading. Any comments are welcome.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 9:28:24
In reply to Re: New developements, posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 8:46:32
So, let's see if I've got it right. You were happier, more sociable, more productive, beating deadlines, all around in a better place? Great!
So, why does it matter what S thinks? And what the [insert bad word here] does it matter knowing why she's mad? Just let it be her problem and don't let it ruin the rest. Repeat after me, 1100 times "IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. IT DOESN'T DEFINE WHO I AM"
Posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 10:05:13
In reply to Re: New developements » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 9:28:24
Thanks Mel. I needed to hear that. I guess its just harder to do when its all going on in your own head and you begin to question yourself.
So anyway, there's a get together after work tonight that I wasn't going to attend because S will be there, but I've changed my mind. I've decided I'm not going to let S's actions, or lack there of, dictate what I do from now on. The thing is, its weird to me to be all friendly to her socially. I feel like its all a big farse, and I hate that. But I guess all I can do is give it a try.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 16:00:57
In reply to Re: New developements, posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 10:05:13
The following is my hard headed opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest;)
I wouldn't say you should "be all friendly" tonight. That seems hypocritical to me.
But you don't want to look like you're avoiding her either. Just remember 'I'M DOING OK. SHE CAN'T HURT ME, I CAN ONLY HURT MYSELF' I know, easier said than done, but you can give it a good old college try.
So, go, have a good time, and as your paths cross, be pleasant and polite, much the way you would be to any acquaintance.
Win one for the Gipper.
Mel
Posted by TexasChic on August 16, 2004, at 11:12:01
In reply to Re: get together » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 16:00:57
It turned out she wasn't even there – she went out of town. I had alot of fun and realized, hey, all *these* people like me. Plus I was thinking about how our friendship was before this happened and I realized we really didn't have one. I mean, I seriously can't remember the last time we hung out together just the two of us. I also realized I had kind of already accepted that the friendship was over a long time ago. Of course I never dreamed it was all because I have a different way of working than she does. But hey, I'm getting my work done, it will be on time, what else can they say to me?
P.S. Today I came in and said, "Hey! How was your trip?" to her. I've decided *I'm* going to act normal so that the only one acting weird will be *her*!
Posted by JenStar on August 16, 2004, at 17:57:30
In reply to Re: get together, posted by TexasChic on August 16, 2004, at 11:12:01
Yah! I'm happy that you're taking charge of the situation. That is so cool. You sound SO much more happy and energized than from your initial posts about R. and S.
Congrats on getting the work done, and I really admire your honesty with yourself about the friendship. It's hard to deal with that, but it sounds like you're stronger for it.
Keep us updated on what happens!
JenStar
PS - how's the kitty?
Posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 7:54:53
In reply to Re: get together, posted by JenStar on August 16, 2004, at 17:57:30
Thanks Jen, I'm trying. Its still hard sometimes though (especially since I have to sit beside her 40 hours a week). But the fact that suddenly she's doing the one thing I asked of her has made things much easier, because now I can do my job. I don't know why they decided to grant my request, but I think I'm proving my point pretty well. That's probably why she's mad at me.
I've been reading some psychological self help books, and I'm realizing this whole thing is because our personalities clash, and it would have happened eventually no matter what. I realize now how controlling she is. She has the mentality of: if someone isn't doing things to her standards, she'll just do it herself - and then of course resent it. She's the same outside of work, she has to always be right, have the last word, win the argument, win the game, be the smartest, or get to make the decision. Its funny that everyone here has been telling me that but for some reason I was blind to it. But it certainly says something about me, because I seem to be drawn to the same type of person over and over. At least now I'm a little more aware.
As for the kitty, he's doing fine. I named him Kelso (from That 70's Show). He makes me laugh all the time. I was definitely meant to have that kitty.
Posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 11:48:06
In reply to Re: stuff » JenStar, posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 7:54:53
Okay, now I'm pretty sure she's doing things to intentionally annoy me! I'm almost through with my work, and she gives me her pages to proof that we haven't gotten the picture or copy for yet. I asked her, "Are you planning on turning these in like this?" (Not sarcastically, I thought she may have wanted to show the boss what she's missing, although we don't usually do it that way). She shrugs and says, "I don't know". Anytime I ask a question, that's what she says now. I said, "Well, you have to know what you are going to do." She just shrugs again. Finally I just *stood up to her* and said, "I would really rather not do these until they're finished because I don't want to have to proof them twice". She just shrugged and said, "Its up to you", but I could tell she was really pissed. Oh, and to top it off, she's been playing solitare all day.
Its so hard! I want to stand up to her, but from past experience I know my boss will side with her regardless of the situation. So I try to just go with the flow and not cause any problems. So how do I do that and still stand up for myself???
I'm trying really hard not to let her get the better of me, but I really think she's intentionally trying to goad me. Either that or now that I'm aware of how controlling she is, I'm now noticing these things. Either way, I can't wait until I get another job!! I've just had enough of all this.
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 9:14:12
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 11:48:06
Okay, my boss is back from being out of town & I've gotten all my work done and then some. But about 5 minutes after my boss came in, S asked to talk with her privately. I know this could have nothing to do with me, but I was sitting here waiting for them to come back and my boss to ask to see me privately. But they came back and sat down, then S's boyfriend called, and I heard her say she was going to go home from work. Then she walked out of the room to talk on the phone, and when she came back in she had been crying. So now, of course, my paranoid mind is working overtime, and all I can think is I'm going to get fired at the end of the day, and she doesn't want to be here for it. I guess all I can do is wait and see, but how do I calm down between now and then??
I had a good talk with my T yesterday about all this. She said S is competing with me in work life and personal life. She said I should get away from her, and this job. She said to get a new job asap, because I don't know when I'll be blind sided with getting fired. I've been trying to find another job for months now, to no avail. I just hate being stuck in this suspense.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 10:20:56
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 9:14:12
Slow down.....breathe.....relaaaxxx............
Ok, she asked you to proof something that wasn't quite finished and was non-commital with answers until you were firm (kindly and professionally, right??) which upset her.
Then she asked to talk to the boss privately.
Then she got a call from her boyfriend and came back crying.
It sounds to me like she has something rotten going on in her personal life and any friction towards you might be because you are conveniently near her. Just keep doing the work, remain pleasant and keep calm (I know, easier said than done) and you should be fine.
I'm not sure if I agree with your therapist about this. Mind you, this is only my opinion and I'm sure you tell her more than you tell us, but to me it seems to be avoiding the problem, not dealing with it.
You can keep on looking for another place that suits you more. But in the meantime you could think of this as a place to practice some people skills - dealing with unpleasant people takes a lot of practice - and then if you do end up losing the job you can think of it as a life-skills clinic that they paid you to go to!
Good luck and chin-up.
Melanie
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 10:49:31
In reply to Re: Freaking out » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 10:20:56
Thanks Mel. You could be right about it being a personal problem, but I'm just not sure. And yeah, my therapist does have much more of a background on S then I've written here.
I have done everything humanly possible to try to get S just to talk with me about this, but she refuses. So there is nothing for me to do but move on.
In retrospect, I can see how controlling she is, and how I have stayed upset ever since we've become friends. My T pointed out how I've been feeling responsibe for all our problems, including this one (until now). Plus, now that I've thought about it and see her personality more clearly, I can see what a clash our personalities are. And I really don't think I could be friends with someone who has done what she's done to me. So I am remaining cordial, friendly even, and she's being grumpy and cranky.
They usually let people go at the end of the day, or sometimes the end of the week. So I won't feel any better about this until then. And then I still won't be comfortable. The change in attitude from my boss is really what worries me the most.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 11:48:21
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 10:49:31
Ok, I didn't catch the change in your boss that you're worried about. What is different, other than the work is getting split now?
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 12:25:48
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 11:48:21
Actually, my boss may just be in a bad mood because a few things went wrong at work while she was gone. But she seems to be warming up to me a little. I've calmed down now (I took a Xanax), and I'm trying to remind myself that, other than working extra hard, I can't stop what may already be in progress. I've also been trying to subtly be more of my normal self around S, and she's been a tiny bit more responsive (but still kind of cranky). All I care about now is keeping my job, and as much as I hate being fake to anybody (it really goes again the grain for me), I know that if there were ever a time to be so, this is it. So I guess I'll grin (literally) and bare it.
Yall getting any rain down there?
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 16:36:37
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 12:25:48
Being pleasant is being fake? Doing work is being fake? Nah.
It might seem a bit fake to be pleasant to S, but it isn't to hard to be pleasant to cranky strangers is it? And when it boils down to it, she is a stranger, right? Not the person you thought you knew, right?
It's just a few showers down here. Nothing earth shattering. It looks a bit iffy around Abilene, though.
Time to go home.
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