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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I don’t want to have “peaks and valleys”; I don’t want to feel great one day and feel miserable the next. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want someone to make this all better for me, I want to stop being weak and hoping that someone makes this all better for me. I want to be the man I used to be, I want to be the man I know I am supposed to be. I want to wake up and face the sunshine, I want to sleep and never wake up again. I want my children to live a healthy and prosperous life; I want my children to know that their father is a good man. I want to be a man that deserves to be thought of well. I want to move past this and accept whatever lies ahead, I want to stop now and make the pain go away forever. I want to hide and cry and cower from everything, I want to stand up with sword and shield and charge into battle (life). I want to feel better. I want to care. I want to feel.
I have been growing as a person and as a father. In some ways I like who I am becoming. I like working towards a positive and healthy goal. I am working on being responsible, approachable, and dependable. I am going through a metamorphosis that has no equal to any other period in my life. I am finally becoming that which I have always wanted to be- a MAN.
A man who loves his children. A man who sees what needs to be done and does it, be it dishes or remodeling the bathroom. A man who knows where his money is. A man who promises little and delivers much. A man who loves. I am absolutely resolved to be successful in making the most of what I have left and to be the person I need/want to be.
But it doesn’t feel like it is enough. I feel guilty for being so dysfunctional when in reality I have so much going for me. I have a good job. I have a strong family and I have friends who love me more than they love their own blood. I can go outside. I can talk to people I do not know. I can see some ray of hope even in the worst of times. I’m pathetic to be so “broken” when there are other people who by comparison would kill to trade places with me. I’m selfish, I’m needy, and I’m whining about things that do not matter.
Do not matter, except to me. I am the only Scott there is. My experiences are my own; my situation is what I have to deal with. I can feel empathy for someone else, I can have sympathy for someone else, but I cannot be someone else. Even when I am “someone else”, someone who I know who “I” am not, and it is still “me”… it is still “Scott”.
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop feeling incapable to change my life. I want to stop sliding backwards faster than I am moving forward. I want to sleep. I want to eat again. I want to stop shaking. I want to stop talking in a soft monotone. I want to be happy. I want to work hard to be happy. I want this to stop. I want to hide away. I want to stop wanting to hide away. I want a break, a vacation. No work, no job, no children, no divorce, no illness, no friends, no family, no anything. I want the closest thing to “nothing” one can possibly achieve and still be part of this world. I want to hide there for a while until I regain my strength, find my courage, and steel my resolve.
I do not want to die. I do not want to lose. I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in. I do not want to be like this. I do not want to continue on in fear. I do not want to be someone that cannot be counted on. I do not want to be someone that cannot be trusted. I do not want to die.
I do want to live. I do want to be positive. I do want to win. I do want to beat this. I do want to “get better” (inasmuch as one can “get better”) I do want to carry on. I do want to prosper. I do want to see life. I do want to live life. I do want to be a champion for my children. I do want to be a champion for the loved ones in my life. I do want to be a champion for myself. I do want to be successful. I do want to live.
I want this to stop. I want to go away fro a while, somewhere safe. I want the responsibilities of the world to “wait” for me to get back… they do not have to get better, I do not want them to get worse, I just want them to wait. I promise I’ll deal with all of them once I get back. I’ll answer my backed-up emails, I’ll process all of my outstanding service orders, I’ll pay all my overdue bills, I’ll fix the leaky faucet in the kitchen, I’ll mow the lower lawn, I’ll tighten the bed liner in the truck, I’ll oil the hinges on the bedroom door, I’ll re-wire the telephone outlet from the living room into the back room (and hook up a kitchen phone while I’m at it) I’ll label the breakers in the main breaker box, I’ll insulate the back wall in the basement, I’ll start hauling firewood for the winter, I’ll do all of those things and so many more, just wait for me.
I need to feel safe. I need to feel safe. I need to feel safe.
Today I do not feel safe. Today I do not feel “right”. Today I am afraid. Today I am falling. Today I am calling my T and my pdoc. Today I know my phone call will mean nothing. Today I know that yesterday was better, and that tomorrow will be worse. Today I know that I want this to stop.
Posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 9:59:21
In reply to Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
Wow, that was very profound. It could have been me writing that (except I'm female). The overall message I get from it though, is that you are going to keep trying – its hard, but you are not ready to give up. And that's a positive thing.
You are not alone in your struggle.
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 15, 2004, at 14:58:06
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts, posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 9:59:21
i've been having a lot of those same thoughts. i don't have kids, but i could replace that word with friends and/or family. its so hard to get through this. i haven't felt like crying until now, after reading that. its sums up so much. i'm not finding comfort in anything right now and i don't feel right or normal. why can't i be normal??
Posted by twinmom on June 15, 2004, at 15:10:32
In reply to Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
Scott -
your word gave me chills, I too have so many of the same feelings, but do not have the ability to express them as eloquently as you have.I just wanted to say thank you, thank you for expressing those things I cannot.
And you are not alone, and I hope tomorrow is better for you.
Posted by tootercat on June 15, 2004, at 16:44:35
In reply to Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
Scott,
Unfortunately (or fortunately) life doesn't stay the same for too long....We'd either stagnate or burnout....All I can say to you is that I've been to alot of the places you're at now and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train......
Keep talking to us and whoever else you need to to stay "grounded" and non isolating.Are you new to meds..I forgot? If so maybe they need some time to do more of their job?
I'm thinking of ya!
Hugs,
Tooter
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 16, 2004, at 12:28:41
In reply to Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
This is not stopping. I do not feel better. My every waking moment is “peaks and valleys”. I don’t feel great one day and feel miserable the next; I feel great one minute and feel miserable the next. I am afraid. No one can make this all better for me, and I can’t do this on my own anymore. I still want to be the man I used to be and the man I know I am supposed to be, but I don’t know how that is going to happen. I woke up and faced the sunshine this morning but it meant nothing to me at all. I went back to bed. My girlfriend reminded me I had to go to work. She doesn’t know what is going on, I haven’t told her. I said I was just really tired. She got me a cup of coffee while I was still in bed. That gesture deserved to be rewarded. I got up and came to work. She still doesn’t know.
I feel like nothing matters. I feel like nothing will be enough, that I’m not going to pull up. Then I remember I have felt great at times, and that my condition is intermittent and cyclic. Then I feel guilty for being such a whining ******* when really, I don’t have it so bad. Many of my bills are paid. I have people who truly love and care about me. I have a good job with great co-workers and a solid future. I have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world. I’m being irrational and weak. I goad myself into anger; I make myself furious that there is a part of me that is so weak. I pick on myself, taunt myself, and I feel the rage swell inside me. Now I’m angry that I’m a whiner. I look for anchors. I look for reasons. I’m better than this, and I’m better than this condition. I’m a good man, and I deserve to feel good about my life and myself.
So now I am angry. I can find some functionality there, but I know it’s a fleeting moment, and I also know that I do not want to be angry for the rest of my life. I was angry all the time back in 2001 before I had my meltdown. It was a crutch, it was not true strength. I hid my pain behind anger. My anger consumed my energy, and when my final meltdown came, I had nothing left to stop it.
So what to do? I have played “musical meds” so many times; I am starting to wonder if anything is going to work. Lexapro is turning out like all the others… I had a hellish break-in, then I had “hope”, then I had the “honeymoon” where it seemed to be working, and then the crash. I never seem to make it past the “crash” stage with a med. I get to this point, then there’s a scramble, and then things seem to level out for a while, sometimes months. Sometimes I’m “cured”, it wasn’t really BP II, it was just an untenable situation, or it was extreme stress. Then the slide starts to happen, and knowing what it signifies I seek assistance again, hoping this time we can catch it before it becomes what it is now and has been so many other times. Appointments are made, many hours are spent talking, and the game of “musical meds” begins anew. Sometimes the descent slows, even stops for a while. Sometimes I shoot like a rocket in hyperspace. Sometimes I drop like a rock. It’s never the same journey, but the destination always seems to be the same. And over the last year, I’ve been there more times than I care to remember.
But I do remember. In 8 months I have faced that darkness 3 times, and I am terrified that this is going to be #4. I feel like I’m on a diminishing downward spiral, each revolution around the spiral is a cycle. Each time the cycle is shorter, and the duration between cycles is shorter, but the direction that remains, even during high manic episodes, is down. The final point of where this is going is not something I want to think about.
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop feeling incapable to change my life. I want to stop sliding backwards faster than I am moving forward. I want to sleep. I want to eat again. I want to stop shaking. I want to stop talking in a soft monotone. I want to be happy. I want to work hard to be happy. I want this to stop. I want to hide away. I want to stop wanting to hide away. I want a break, a vacation. No work, no job, no children, no divorce, no illness, no friends, no family, no anything. I want the closest thing to “nothing” one can possibly achieve and still be part of this world. I want to hide there. But for how long, I do not know.
I cannot remember anything important anymore. Appointments, call backs, even taking notes doesn't help, I forget to look at my notes. I smoke too much and I have nicotine headaches constantly. I’m either withdrawing from the nicotine when I cannot have a cigarette, or I’m head rushing when I do smoke one. I cannot concentrate on anything. Any movement distracts me, any sound, any anything. I can’t do my bills because I cannot sit and focus for the 30 minutes it takes me to do them. I don’t want to look at them. I do not want to read another “final disconnect” notice. I do not want to answer the phone. I work in telecommunications as a CSR and I do not want to answer the phone. I do not want to do a service order. I know I will make a mistake and then have a returned order on my monthly stats. I would sooner do nothing than even try anymore.
I was right about today when I said yesterday that tomorrow would be worse. Tomorrow is worse. A self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps? I didn’t call my T or pdoc. Quite frankly, I don’t want to. But I know that I will, no later than Friday perhaps. I already have an appt with my pdoc for Tuesday at 8am. That might be good enough. I’m supposed to be reporting in on the increase in my Lexapro and assessing with him if the increase was successful or not. At this point, I’d say “not”. So he’s going to drop me back to 10mg and prescribe some kind of mood stabilizer. Musical meds all over again.
There’s really no point in writing all this except to vent off, possibly give Dr. Bob something to add to his collection, and … and what? Why am I writing this? Why am I posting this? There has to be a point of some kind, unless it’s an exercise in unnecessary and useless actions.
I cannot answer my own question, yet I feel compelled to submit this.
New prediction- tomorrow will be the same as today, but not worse. There’s an effort on my part to be positive. I still want to win. I just don’t see how anymore.
I am done, but at least I am not finished. There’s enough left of me to at least know that.
Posted by TexasChic on June 16, 2004, at 13:00:33
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 16, 2004, at 12:28:41
You are NOT being irrational or weak. This is an illness you CAN NOT control. Maybe you need a new doctor. It sounds as if you're bipolar, but he's giving you Lexapro. I'm no expert, but from what I've read, you should probably already be on a mood stablizer in conjunction with an AD. I've also heard people say that sometimes AD's make their cycling worse. And from my experience, Lexapro didn't work at all for my depression. I know how tiresome the med merry-go-round can be. But these days it seems to be what it takes to reach the right combo. Please keep trying with the meds. And please call your pdoc or therapist. I am very worried about you. Please write back and let us know how you are doing. There ARE people who understand and care!
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 17, 2004, at 9:10:57
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts, posted by TexasChic on June 16, 2004, at 13:00:33
I am "irrational", in that I am thinking I can beat this down through tenacity and pure strength of will. I know that I have a medical condition. I'm much more rational today than I have been in a couple of weeks. I'm looking at my options, and while none of them are desirable, at least I'm considering things like short-term disability as opposed to just bulling and jamming my way through this and rely on my questionable ability to keep this squared away.
Today I am "better". Today I am thinking more clearly and I am focusing on options, and the consequense each option carries. But doing "nothing" is not an option.
I have told my girlfriend about what is happening, as well as my sister and my mother. And my friend Jon. And I told the truth. Not to frighten, but to be honest and to know that if (and I do mean "if", not "when") this gets worse, they will know what's happening, and if need be, know what to do.
I will survive. I will make it. I will get back on top of this and I will prosper again. I'm a good man, I have a good life, and I sincerely want to enjoy it.
Sorry for the scare. I haven't been my usual optimistic self. It's not a facade when I am happy and positive, that's really the "real" me. It's been really hard to hold on to that person recently, but I'm going to try harder and I'm going to consider all of my available options and then move forward with whatever (positive) choice I make. If I fall, I'll just get back up and try again. I have a lot of reasons to keep trying.
-Scott
Posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2004, at 8:45:54
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts » TexasChic, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 17, 2004, at 9:10:57
Good for you. It sounds as if you have the strength and willpower to keep trying. Just the fact that you told the people closest to you rather than keeping it inside is a sign that you truly have not given up. I'm glad you wrote back and let me know you are okay, but don't be sorry for expressing your thoughts. That's what this place is for! I was just afraid that we (me included) were all so impressed with the poetry of your words, that we may have been missing a plea for help. I'm truely glad you are having a better day now. I think all of us here at babble understand about the good and bad days better than most. Here's to us (I'm making a toast with coffee) to all having more good days than bad.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 18, 2004, at 9:36:31
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts, posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2004, at 8:45:54
Oh trust me, I know I need help. And a lot of it. Today I am flying so high that I feel like I could single-handedly rebuild the ruins of Ancient Greece with a hammer, a chisel, and a lot of marble. I'm going a million miles per hour and I am the happiest man on the face of the earth. I had sex 4 times last night and again once this morning. This is the other side of the depression I was going through just a few days ago. And while I like this a WHOLE lot better, I know what it is and what it is doing to me and what it really means... I'm not "better" because I'm in a good mood, I'm actually just as messed up as I was a few days ago, except now the only danger I'm in is driving 140 mph instead of hiding in a dark closet with a .45.
I'm 100% GO GO GO DO DO DO today. I finished all of my morning work by 10 am, usually that takes me until 11 at least. I'm looking for other projects to do. I'm so bored that I feel like I could scream, because I have to have SOMETHING to do (and the company is cracking down on Internet use, otherwise I'd respond to ever single thread on Babble).
I know this isn't right. It's funny, 3 days ago I wanted a lightining bolt to come from a clear blue sky and strike me dead, and today I want that same bolt to TRY and take me out! I'd wrassle that thing and tie it into a knot and then plug it in to my fuse box in the basement and run my house on free power for a year. HA!
Yeah, I know I'm not where I need to be right now. My pdoc is going to be taking an awful lot of notes on Tuesday.
In fact, I think I'll write them for him, right now. :)
How can I slow down? I don't want to be like this. I mean, it kicks butt over a few days ago, but I don't want to be like this. I feel like I could fistfight a biker gang and win. I feel like I could star in 20 porno movies and do all the "scenes" in one day. I feel like I could cut my winter's firewood this afternoon. Rationally, I know I can't do those things and I really shouldn't even try, but I WANT to! I want to go bungee jumping RIGHT NOW! But then again, hitch hiking to Montreal sounds like a lot of fun. And don't even get me on a motorcycle. My Volvo is bad enough. Go go go do do do... the rapid and extreme cycles of Scott, right here for your viewing pleasure!
I just want to be normal again. To smile for a reason, and cry for a reason. This last few weeks has really beaten me up.
Gah. I want a cigarette.
I'm not drinking any coffee today, that's for sure.
My thoughts are becoming more scattered. I'm going to go and hope that I find a work-related project to focus on. I go to lunch in an hour. I think I'll pay my bills. I get to see the kids tonight, so I need to calm down between now and then.
Yep, it's been a hell of a week, eh?
Posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2004, at 13:02:44
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 18, 2004, at 9:36:31
The way you describe it, it sounds the same as my brother describes his restless, out of control feeling he has at times (except for the sex stuff because its my brother – ewww). I've thought he was bipolar for years now, but he hasn't been officially diagnosed. But I knew what he described was not depression and anxiety like I have. I could tell it was something different. The last time I talked to him he said his doctors were starting to consider bipolar now. Its about time they caught up with my diagnosis!
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 21, 2004, at 15:37:01
In reply to Re: Freeform Thoughts » Scott in Vermont, posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2004, at 13:02:44
I'm doing a whole lot better today. I've calmed down a lot, and I can actually think (horray) without having the constant buzz of a million thoughts racing at once and holding down an nearly irrepressable urge to do "something" (meaning doesn't matter what, just have to do SOMETHING).
I have an appt with my pdoc tomorrow morning. I'm going to tell him everything and see what he thinks.
This is the end of the thread.
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