Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I don’t want to have “peaks and valleys”; I don’t want to feel great one day and feel miserable the next. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want someone to make this all better for me, I want to stop being weak and hoping that someone makes this all better for me. I want to be the man I used to be, I want to be the man I know I am supposed to be. I want to wake up and face the sunshine, I want to sleep and never wake up again. I want my children to live a healthy and prosperous life; I want my children to know that their father is a good man. I want to be a man that deserves to be thought of well. I want to move past this and accept whatever lies ahead, I want to stop now and make the pain go away forever. I want to hide and cry and cower from everything, I want to stand up with sword and shield and charge into battle (life). I want to feel better. I want to care. I want to feel.
I have been growing as a person and as a father. In some ways I like who I am becoming. I like working towards a positive and healthy goal. I am working on being responsible, approachable, and dependable. I am going through a metamorphosis that has no equal to any other period in my life. I am finally becoming that which I have always wanted to be- a MAN.
A man who loves his children. A man who sees what needs to be done and does it, be it dishes or remodeling the bathroom. A man who knows where his money is. A man who promises little and delivers much. A man who loves. I am absolutely resolved to be successful in making the most of what I have left and to be the person I need/want to be.
But it doesn’t feel like it is enough. I feel guilty for being so dysfunctional when in reality I have so much going for me. I have a good job. I have a strong family and I have friends who love me more than they love their own blood. I can go outside. I can talk to people I do not know. I can see some ray of hope even in the worst of times. I’m pathetic to be so “broken” when there are other people who by comparison would kill to trade places with me. I’m selfish, I’m needy, and I’m whining about things that do not matter.
Do not matter, except to me. I am the only Scott there is. My experiences are my own; my situation is what I have to deal with. I can feel empathy for someone else, I can have sympathy for someone else, but I cannot be someone else. Even when I am “someone else”, someone who I know who “I” am not, and it is still “me”… it is still “Scott”.
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop feeling incapable to change my life. I want to stop sliding backwards faster than I am moving forward. I want to sleep. I want to eat again. I want to stop shaking. I want to stop talking in a soft monotone. I want to be happy. I want to work hard to be happy. I want this to stop. I want to hide away. I want to stop wanting to hide away. I want a break, a vacation. No work, no job, no children, no divorce, no illness, no friends, no family, no anything. I want the closest thing to “nothing” one can possibly achieve and still be part of this world. I want to hide there for a while until I regain my strength, find my courage, and steel my resolve.
I do not want to die. I do not want to lose. I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in. I do not want to be like this. I do not want to continue on in fear. I do not want to be someone that cannot be counted on. I do not want to be someone that cannot be trusted. I do not want to die.
I do want to live. I do want to be positive. I do want to win. I do want to beat this. I do want to “get better” (inasmuch as one can “get better”) I do want to carry on. I do want to prosper. I do want to see life. I do want to live life. I do want to be a champion for my children. I do want to be a champion for the loved ones in my life. I do want to be a champion for myself. I do want to be successful. I do want to live.
I want this to stop. I want to go away fro a while, somewhere safe. I want the responsibilities of the world to “wait” for me to get back… they do not have to get better, I do not want them to get worse, I just want them to wait. I promise I’ll deal with all of them once I get back. I’ll answer my backed-up emails, I’ll process all of my outstanding service orders, I’ll pay all my overdue bills, I’ll fix the leaky faucet in the kitchen, I’ll mow the lower lawn, I’ll tighten the bed liner in the truck, I’ll oil the hinges on the bedroom door, I’ll re-wire the telephone outlet from the living room into the back room (and hook up a kitchen phone while I’m at it) I’ll label the breakers in the main breaker box, I’ll insulate the back wall in the basement, I’ll start hauling firewood for the winter, I’ll do all of those things and so many more, just wait for me.
I need to feel safe. I need to feel safe. I need to feel safe.
Today I do not feel safe. Today I do not feel “right”. Today I am afraid. Today I am falling. Today I am calling my T and my pdoc. Today I know my phone call will mean nothing. Today I know that yesterday was better, and that tomorrow will be worse. Today I know that I want this to stop.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:356864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/356864.html