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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sfmom on October 30, 2003, at 21:15:27
My daughter and I spent the night at my parents' house last night to give my husband a "night off" from having to take care of her and, basically, me too. This morning while giving my daughter (two years old) breakfast, I asked her to take smaller bites of her toast because she had put a too big piece in her mouth. My dad said that if I didn't stop acting this way around her (anxious) that she was going to end up like me!!! I didn't really say anything in front of my daughter but did tell him that that wasn't what I needed to hear right now. But it just stuck with me and made me feel worse all morning. So I finally called my dad and told him how much what he said hurt me. I told him that I know I'm sick right now and am doing everything I can to get better (meds, individual and group therapy). My biggest fear is not being able to protect my daughter and yes, I am also scared that this "illness" will affect her. To my amazement, he said that he has to call it like he sees it and that I SHOULD worry about passing on my anxiety to Rosalie and that if that's a problem for me, he'll just have to distance himself from us!!!! My parents have been a great help to me but I honestly don't even want to see my dad now. How could someone who loves me be so unsupportive? I know it's not fair to expect him to understand what I'm going through but I do expect a little more than this! Any advice on how to talk to him about this would be appriciated, but really I just need some affirmation and support please.--Lyssa
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 30, 2003, at 22:21:42
In reply to Need a little affirmation please., posted by sfmom on October 30, 2003, at 21:15:27
mom,
your dad was way off base!!
please understand,,this is his shame not yours..
no one ever created illness in someone else by being protective...
his demons are from missplaced guilt..
not from hating you...
he wants better for his kids than he had,,,
he wants your baby to grow up different..
we all want that for our kids...
j
Posted by Elle2021 on October 31, 2003, at 2:54:22
In reply to Need a little affirmation please., posted by sfmom on October 30, 2003, at 21:15:27
That was a very unkind thing of your dad to say. I have had my family say stuff like that to me too. It hurts. It's because they don't understand what depression is or mental illness in general. If he feels he has to distance himself from you then, well I guess thats his choice, but it won't make you magically better for him to continue with rude comments. Hope you feel better, and remember that what your going through isn't your fault. God bless.
Elle
Posted by fallsfall on October 31, 2003, at 7:49:25
In reply to Need a little affirmation please., posted by sfmom on October 30, 2003, at 21:15:27
Parents are like that, yeah they are.
I think that sometimes parents with healthy children and grandchildren say things like that, too. Either they figured out too late that they should have done things differently with us, or they think that it is still their job to run our lives, or they haven't realized that we've grown up already. I've seen suggestions about calmly (yeah, right...) telling the parent that you are the baby's mom, and that you are trying very hard to do the right thing for your baby, and that you will listen to his (uncritical) opinions, and then you will make your own decision on how to raise your child. You love him and respect him, but you are the mother and you are a grownup.
I think that if the grandparents can't learn to suggest and then let it go rather than to order you around, that it can end up being a negative experience to see them. Right now you don't need any negative experiences.
Sure, you have depression, and that does color the way you interact with the world. But you are NOT your depression, and I would bet that you are making many, many very sound decisions for your child every day. Realize that you aren't perfect, but you aren't a complete failure, either. You will make mistakes. You will scream when she's done nothing wrong, you will zone out when she is doing something messy, you will want her to take naps just because you want one. Healthy mothers do these things, too.
If you love your daughter and let her know, if you keep her relatively physically safe (she's going to fall and get bruises and cuts - she's 2, but you do need to keep her fingers out of those electrical sockets), if you give her mostly what she needs in terms of food and shelter, if you make sure that either you are providing her with environmental stimulation - or that you are making sure that someone else does (her dad? a neighborhood play group? the park?) then she will be fine, and you are a very good mother.
I think that an awful lot of your concern is a standard parenting concern - And I have not seen you post anything that would make me think that you aren't a good parent (there may be things you wish you could do, but we all have limits. Accept your limits and just make sure that if there is something that you can't give her that she is getting it somewhere else.)
I think that if you feel more confident as a mom, then it will be easier to tell your dad that you are the mom and you have it all under control.
P.S. Just because you need someone to help "take care" of you, doesn't mean that you aren't already taking care of your daughter.
Posted by sfmom on October 31, 2003, at 9:59:28
In reply to Re: Need a little affirmation please., posted by fallsfall on October 31, 2003, at 7:49:25
I had a long talk with my husband last night and told him what had happened with my dad. He said that he understood what my dad was going through because he had had some of the same feelings (and thankfully kept them to himself) and what really helped him out was a flyer I brought home from my panic group that really validated his feelings while helping him to understand this "illness" a little better. I'm going to send a copy to my dad, but still don't want to see him right now.
Thank you so much for all of your support. I am so glad I found all of you and don't know what I'd do without you. You are a group of truly wonderful, supportive and beautiful people. You have made a difference in my life at my lowest point and where other people couldn't reach. THANK YOU!
Posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 17:40:27
In reply to Need a little affirmation please., posted by sfmom on October 30, 2003, at 21:15:27
That sounds like something I say to my boyfriend! And he is 26 years old. Obviously, his mother didn't tell him to take smaller bites when he was growing up! I think he was off saying that to you anyway. What you said sounded like something any normal loving mother would say to any two year old child. It sounds like you have no problem with anxiety there. Maybe in other areas, but telling your child to take smaller bites is not a big deal. I think what you need to do is ask your dad to be more supportive rather than accusative of you. It sounds like he is just coming at you and accusing, rather than supporting. Just, be sure that you let him know that it may be frustrating for him, as this is his granddaughter. But she is your daughter. Tell him that it takes a village! Good luck! Karen
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