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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
My sis-in-law has flipped out again, threatening my brother with taking their child and just running off. My brother is devastated, crying all the time. My mother can't handle it, is crying all the time, and I have no clue how to comfort either one of them. Much less myself, who's now crying myself to sleep each night over this nightmare......
Now I'm feeling blue again, and crying when I haven't cried in weeks.....does this mean I'm going to get depressed again?????
Susan
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 27, 2003, at 10:48:38
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
All I can offer in lots and lots of
*HUGS*
We're in a similar position here with my brothers ex wife.. she's been under the care of Mental health peeps for 20 years.. but weeks ago had a major breakdown.. was hospitlised, signed herself out, overdosed, in hospital, released, and then tried to stop my brother seeing his 15 year old daughter.. so he goes to court and gets a residency order (so he has legal custody of daughter for next 3 months), but now ex sis in law is texting my neice every 30 minutes with things like "do you still love me, do you love your dad more, have you forgotten me".. being 15 is damned hard enough as it is without your mother taking out all her insecurities on you.
If only our brothers had better taste eh??!
Nikki xx
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 11:06:18
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain..... » Susan J, posted by NikkiT2 on October 27, 2003, at 10:48:38
Nikki,
> All I can offer in lots and lots of
>
> *HUGS*<<Thanks. :-)
>> If only our brothers had better taste eh??!
<<You are so right! Sis-in-law came from a very dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic family, but she seemed to have her head on straight. I'm just coming to understand she has *not a clue* about herself at all, and that is what's causing this flip out, or whatever it is. She has *mother* issues and has now become a mother herself, and everything's rising to the surface. And it's ugly.My whole family would be able to deal with this better if K (sis-in-law) could acknowledge that something is wrong inside and try to get help. We would stand by her 100% of the way. We always have. But how do you help someone or stand by her when she's destroying your family? She's being downright cruel now, playing head games with my brother, who's done nothing but try to ease her into whatever life she wants to lead now.
Fear, depression, anger, desperation, self-hatred, confusion, stupidity. All that I understand.
I don't understand cruelty. I don't know how to stand by someone who's like that....
Posted by Dinah on October 27, 2003, at 11:08:45
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
Have him get a family law attorney. And it might be best for him to go through this attorney in future communications.
The fact that she effectively abandoned her child in the care of her husband, and that she relies on him to take care of her still will probably mean that she's not going to get sole custody of the baby. But prep him for that fight at least. I think there are some online groups supporting fathers obtaining custody. Why don't you do a search.
The most important thing is the munchkin's wellbeing.
Posted by KellyD on October 27, 2003, at 12:08:51
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain..... » Susan J, posted by Dinah on October 27, 2003, at 11:08:45
Ah, SusanJ, I'm so sorry. I think your reaction to what's happening is normal. All of us that suffer and are touched by these various emotional issues are always on guard to check to see if we are falling down the hole again. You have had a bit of a heavy time of late. You can only be expected to cope with so much.
I can't offer much but an "I'm thinking about you" and I swear I would come over with my 40 checkbook registers and do your checkbook for you as one less thing for you to be bothered with.. I would, I really would (please get a little smile out of that)
With supportive thoughts,
Kelly
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 12:28:58
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain..... » Susan J, posted by Dinah on October 27, 2003, at 11:08:45
Hi, Dinah.
> Have him get a family law attorney. And it might be best for him to go through this attorney in future communications.
<<He's got one. He doesn't really want to use the lawyer and is instead trying to come to some sort of amicable agreement with K. But the lawyer's there if necessary.
>
>> The fact that she effectively abandoned her child in the care of her husband, and that she relies on him to take care of her still will probably mean that she's not going to get sole custody of the baby.
<<I don't think sole custody will be a problem. D (my brother) had wanted sole custody himself, but is very willing now to go 50/50. There is a *lot* of evidence that D has always been the primary care giver and that K has never shown much interest in the baby.>>But prep him for that fight at least. I think there are some online groups supporting fathers obtaining custody. Why don't you do a search.
<<That's a good idea. He's doing counseling, and I was thinking about getting a book on how to help little kids through divorce....but I'll look online too. My brother's not a big reader, though, he learns better by people speaking to him...
> The most important thing is the munchkin's wellbeing.
<<This is what breaks my heart the most. And my brother is just aching that he's not going to get to go to sleep every night with the little boy under the same roof as him. And, if K doesn't get some help, she's not going to be the best mom in the world. I think my brother's worried about that, too.I make it seem like my brother is God as far as that little boy is concerned, but I don't mean it like that. He's definitely got his faults....I wish more than anything that both parents would stay under the same roof for him....they both provide him with love, just in very different ways....and I always thought kids needed that.....the difference, I mean.
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 12:39:46
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by KellyD on October 27, 2003, at 12:08:51
Hiya, Kelly!
>All of us that suffer and are touched by these various emotional issues are always on guard to check to see if we are falling down the hole again.
<<Terrifying. What happened to the days when I could have a good cry and be *happy* to get that out of my system? Now, it's nothin' but flashbacks into the abyss. Feeling sorry for my brother, nephew, and yes even sis-in-law....*and* feeling sorry for myself.>>I swear I would come over with my 40 checkbook registers and do your checkbook for you as one less thing for you to be bothered with.. I would, I really would (please get a little smile out of that)
<<Ah! All my world for a checkbook register! :-) Sometimes I think that's all I need to stay stable. I am happy to report, however, that my checkbook is balanced, for now, and I actually have some cash in there. :-) Talk to me the day before payday, though. Entirely different story.Thanks so much..... :-)
Susan
Posted by Emme on October 27, 2003, at 14:17:24
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
Whoa! That is one heavy load. I wish I had some sage advice for you. I know how nasty and stressful it is to have such chaos and hurt in your family. Do something nice for yourself to help you keep your balance while you're trying to support your family. I'll keep my fingers crossed that something improves.
(((Susan)))
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 11:07:50
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
Well,
Sis-in-law has now taken an interest in their 2-year-old, which she never has before. My brother does the cooking, cleaning, childcare, manages the household money, and runs his own business. K works full time and shops. Honestly.
K is now spending more time with my nephew, N, just in the past week, and says N is the most important thing in the world to her. My brother has been N's primary care provider and is absolutely in love with his son, and I think K knows this is the way to hurt him.
She rearranged her work schedule so she could go with N on a field trip yesterday to a petting zoo with N's day care center, but it rained like crazy, so it got rescheduled to Friday. Well, K went into the day care center and apparently cussed out the day care providers and made a real scene because it's "very hard" for her to rearrange her schedule to attend that field trip and now she can't go on Friday.
Ummmm, I think she shoulda taken that cancellation thing up with God, with the rain and all that...
Anyway, it's just another example of how her previously stable behavior has fallen apart.
And my brother had lent her $3,000 to put down on her own new car, specifiying it was a loan from his company, and now she refuses to pay him back. He didn't get anything in writing. She said it was *our* money. I don't know if she's just being annoying and hateful, or if she's really not very intelligent.
My brother is being waaaaayyyy too nice to her, and trying to be reasonable, treating her the way he would want to be treated. But it's backfiring huge. She's taking him for everything and he's just letting her, even though he can't afford it.
The stakes are higher than anything I've seen in my life. A 2-year-old bright, happy boy's stability is at stake, and we are trying to keep him that way. On one hand I want to reach out and offer support to K, the sis-in-law, because she must be in amazing pain to be acting like this. My brother and our family really have been her only support network...ever...and she's throwing us away.
On the other hand,she's tearing my brother apart, and I'll always be in his corner. But then, I've got to make my brother see he's got to treat K like the enemy right now (not *destroy* her, just not *help* her at his expense), but that goes against his very caring nature.
And my mother is falling apart because she can't handle the stress, and I have no desire to comfort her (whole other story) so I feel guilty about not wanting to help my mom. For God's sake she was crying yesterday and I just wanted to yell at her to shut up because her tears aren't helping anything.
Now how dysfunctional/cold/mean/hateful/selfish is that of me???????? Sheesh...Instead, I suggested to her that it might be helpful for *her* to talk to a therapist to get this all out and learn how to cope with the pain more effectively, because we do all have to be strong for my brother and N. I mean, this situation is about all I talk to my therapist about anymore...
And I so want my brother to be able to keep N full time, at least until K gets her act together. And I don't know if that's possible.
It's amazing how much personal pain can destroy you and those you love, or just those who love you. How do I make it all better? I know, there's no way I can.....
Susan
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 11:15:06
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 28, 2003, at 11:17:41
In reply to Pain, Pain, My World is Pain....., posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:19:18
> My sis-in-law has flipped out again, threatening my brother with taking their child and just running off. My brother is devastated, crying all the time. My mother can't handle it, is crying all the time, and I have no clue how to comfort either one of them. Much less myself, who's now crying myself to sleep each night over this nightmare......
I can't think of a better time to apply the Serenity Prayer. What you can do, you will do. The rest, you hand over to your Higher Power.
> Now I'm feeling blue again, and crying when I haven't cried in weeks.....does this mean I'm going to get depressed again?????
>
> SusanOnly if you let it, Susan. It's understandable that you're upset. Being upset about being upset is something in your power.
Hugs and prayers,
Lar
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 11:31:03
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain..... » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on October 28, 2003, at 11:17:41
Hey, Lar,
> I can't think of a better time to apply the Serenity Prayer. What you can do, you will do. The rest, you hand over to your Higher Power.
<<I've always had problems with that prayer....with the *wisdom* part. I don't have it. :-)And I'm afraid with this depression stuff my belief in God has suffered a bit.
> Hugs and prayers,
> LarThanks. I need 'em. It's so much easier to deal with my own pain than it is to watch my brother suffer. I don't know how to help him. I offer baby sitting, and painting his new house, but K doesn't want any of my brother's family over there right now. I've offered money, but he won't take it. I've offered to find him legal help (I don't do family law), and he did take me up on that....
Powerless. I'd give it to God if I thought He'd take it......I've been praying up a storm, but I don't have a good track record with success from prayer, I'm afraid.....
S.
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 28, 2003, at 12:00:26
In reply to Re: Pain, Pain, My World is Pain..... » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 11:31:03
> Hey, Lar,
>
> > I can't think of a better time to apply the Serenity Prayer. What you can do, you will do. The rest, you hand over to your Higher Power.
> <<I've always had problems with that prayer....with the *wisdom* part. I don't have it. :-)Wisdom comes from experience. Making mistakes and moving on. Not dwelling on hypotheticals.
Maybe this one's more appropriate:
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
YESTERDAY--TODAY--TOMORROW
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said...YESTERDAY is gone.
------------------
The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.
TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW for it is yet unborn.
-----------------
This leaves only one day.... TODAY. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities.... YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW that we break down.
It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad-- it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.LET US, THEREFORE, LIVE
BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME! ! !
> And I'm afraid with this depression stuff my belief in God has suffered a bit.
>
> > Hugs and prayers,
> > Lar
>
> Thanks. I need 'em. It's so much easier to deal with my own pain than it is to watch my brother suffer. I don't know how to help him."Accept the things I cannot change"
> I offer baby sitting, and painting his new house, but K doesn't want any of my brother's family over there right now. I've offered money, but he won't take it. I've offered to find him legal help (I don't do family law), and he did take me up on that....
"courage to change the things I can"
> Powerless. I'd give it to God if I thought He'd take it......I've been praying up a storm, but I don't have a good track record with success from prayer, I'm afraid.....
>
> S.God always takes it, IMHO. You're not letting go. Just an observation.
Lar
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