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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 0:35:39
Especially around boundaries? (hi Susan!)
I just went to take the trash out--ok, ok, I'm not asleep--and noticed a motorcycle parked in my space. I have been parking in front to avoid walking past my smoking neighbor's house on the way into mine, but I like having the option of parking in my space should I want to. So I walked past the guy's apt. who I thought parked it there and agonized about saying something--we've only ever said five words to each other--we've just not seen each other more than once. But unfortunately I'm literally among low rent people at the moment, and I'm including myself, so I don't mean to offend anyone.
There is a certain jungle mentality going on and I've started out on the wrong paw. I had to go to the landlord about the noise because the people right next to me wouldn't respond to my knocking on the wall at 3am, and there has been another passive aggressive war going on about their smoking, which has been really hard for me to confront. I finally did a few days ago and learned that I had violated the Law by going to the landlord about the noise, and created enemies among the trailor park heirarchy. Knowing that I was even more loathe to talk to this man, but I crept up the stairs and called out--thankfully his door was open. I asked if that was his bike and he immediately said he'd go move it. I said he didn't need to, but said I would very much appreciate if next time he would ask me first.
He said he never sees me around, as if this was enough reason to use my parking space. I didn't know how to respond, except to say that depending on the circumstances I do use the space. I said again that it was fine for him to stay there tonight, but just to ask me first next time. He repeated that he never sees me, I guess meaning he doesn't see me to ask me. Maybe it's beyond him to consider coming to my front door, a couple of hundred feet away, and knocking on it--thinking instead he has to rely on us running into each other in order for him to ask me.
There was another guy here who apparently defended the party I complained about and I thought at first it was him, but it wasn't. He actually seemed nice enough (albeit holding a cigarette), but it was just so d*mn uncomfortable.
How do normal people deal with such things? My option would have been to say nothing, work up inordinate amounts of hostility, and be hypervigilantly on the lookout for his motorcycle in my parking space. So I tried to deal with it in the moment as best I could--standing there in my Paul Frank boxer shorts, all snotted up from this cold and pale as a sheet.
Just wondering why it is so hard to deal with the life stuff and know what is appropriate, without the mental fallout of eternal self harrassment.
Posted by Tabitha on October 25, 2003, at 1:46:32
In reply to Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 0:35:39
you did good. Taking the trash out was simple functioning-- but confronting neighbors is a very difficult thing. You dealt with it in a timely and reasonable way. If he gave you attitude and odd excuses-- well that's his problem.
Posted by octopusprime on October 25, 2003, at 2:18:30
In reply to Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 0:35:39
> How do normal people deal with such things?
kara lynne i want to tell you a marginally related story.
i lived in a lower rent complex than my current abode at one time. people squatting in apartments, stealing hydro, no hot water for six months, me doing neighbourly favours by picking up people when they were released from jail, the works.
one day i parked in a neighbour's parking spot, because a construction vehicle had parked in my spot. when i went to look for my car the next day, my car was towed! i almost got eaten by a coyote trying to get it back.
your reaction to the situation sounds eminently reasonable compared to my neighbour who decided to feed me to the coyotes. and apparently my neighbour was "normal".
cheers!
octopus(ok, not almost eaten, but i got way closer to a coyote than i really care to get.)
ps - the noisy neighbours should be happy you didn't call the police, which is fully within your rights. good luck working it out! don't let them make you feel bad.
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 25, 2003, at 9:27:29
In reply to Re: Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by octopusprime on October 25, 2003, at 2:18:30
Out of interest.. do you class all smokers as people not worthy of your respect?? And are you upset that people are smoking in their own homes??
Just interested..
Nikki x
Posted by fallsfall on October 25, 2003, at 13:44:40
In reply to Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 0:35:39
is....
Don't take the trash out.
I don't do well with these questions either. There is a section in DBT that deals with this. If things ever calm down in my life I'll look it up for you - or they might have "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" in your library or bookstore.
I'm sorry you weren't asleep and that this had to happen the "night before".
It is so hard for me to be crossing my fingers while I'm typing. Would you hurry up and finish that test?
Posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 15:23:05
In reply to Re: Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by NikkiT2 on October 25, 2003, at 9:27:29
The smokers here do not care that when they go outside to smoke, it permeates my house, the walls, my clothes. The battle lines are being drawn and I appear to be the only one not smoking--that's why I mentioned above that the guy was holding a cigarette last night.
I never said smokers were not worthy of my respect; in this instance they appear not to have any respect for me.
Posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 16:24:21
In reply to The moral of the story : Kara, posted by fallsfall on October 25, 2003, at 13:44:40
But thank you so much. I could really feel the people who were supporting me supporting me during it. That's some powerful stuff.
I find out in 20 days.
Posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2003, at 0:04:34
In reply to fallsfall, you can uncross your fingers now!, posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 16:24:21
OK. Fingers uncrossed. But...
20 days is a long time to hold my breath...
Hope you partied tonight.
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 26, 2003, at 3:57:05
In reply to Why is simple functioning so hard?, posted by kara lynne on October 25, 2003, at 0:35:39
I didn't mean for my message to sound so harsh.. it wa sposted in a rush when I was doing some work, so it came out very businessy and not very friendly!!
I was seriously just interested!
Do you have to share outside space with these people?? If they're smoking outside your windows or what ever, I agree that is very selfish of them..
Guess its a sensitive subject for me.. The lease holder of where we live (though we own our flat, we don't own the land it sits on!) is trying to get smoking banned in the building.. and I just feel that it is very unfair that he is trying to ban me smoking in a flat my husband and I OWN!! But then he's told us we've got to redecorate as well, and have the outside of the house done (which our share alone will be £1800), but doesn't seem to worry where we might get the money from!!Grrrr... I can't wait to move!!
Nikki x
Posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 13:53:19
In reply to Re: Why is simple functioning so hard? » kara lynne, posted by NikkiT2 on October 26, 2003, at 3:57:05
Thanks Nikki,
It's a touchy topic I know, but much easier to sympathize when you say it like you did in this post. It took me so long to say anything to them because I felt so awkward doing it in the first place; challenging people's comfort to smoke where they live. On the other hand they are controlling my comfort level, and I am having to endure a good amount of second hand smoke every day. Not to mention (as I already did) I can't use one room entirely because the walls and everything in it stink permanently of stale smoke.It is not entirely avoidable; smoke travels, and there are I think 3 smokers that live directly next door to me. But the teenage guy was sitting very close to my window (outside of his apt.) knowing full well what he was doing. He is full of punk bravado and asserting his right to...assert. I had had to talk to the landlord about them making noise at 3am and he didn't care for that, so he was trying to make a point. When I finally got the nerve up to talk to him he began to be reasonable, but his girlfriend was tugging on his arm and glaring at me like she was going to punch my lights out if I said one more word to them. I was really going to try to work it out with him, offer to buy his cigarrettes, or a couch for him to move further away from my window outside where he sits. He is technically outside of his own apt., but it's 3 feet away from mine. And there is only one tiny window in the room here where I sit at the computer, and the weather has been abomidably hot.
I'm feeling pretty defeated about it today. I think he may be trying, but my apt. still smells like smoke and I am terribly allergic to it, so I feel low grade sick all the time I'm here. I think they're going to end up 'winning'. I also feel outnumbered, and like the other tenants have formed an alliance by having lived here longer. I can feel the hate, if you know what I mean...and I hate it.
So that was a long winded way of trying to give you more information. I don't know what your landlord's intention is or why he's trying to make it a non smoking building, unless there are other people around who might be affected by it. That's a tough situation.
My objection is a purely physical, not moral one.
Posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 13:54:01
In reply to Re: fallsfall, you can uncross your fingers now! » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2003, at 0:04:34
20 days is a long time to hold my breath..
Tell me about it!
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 26, 2003, at 16:38:45
In reply to Nikki, posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 13:53:19
I cna understand if its coming into your apartment.. I know how much the barbeque smoke from downstairs having barbeques (below our window and about 3ft out from wall, so all smaoke sucked in our window) annoyed me in the summer.. and thats nothing like this.
I do believe that as long as what ever you get up to stays within your home, its OK to do.. but if it affects others, then its not fine. The house we live in is 4 storeys divided into 3 flats (top flat is two storey).. Its a Victorian property and really thick walls and heavy oak floors (plus soundproofing between us and upstairs flat). Neither of the other two flats are lived in by the owners of them.. we're the only owner / occupiers. No ones complained about us smoking as far as I know, and the guy thats trying to ban it doesn't even own the house, just the land (lease hold property).. *shrugs* He's also trying to enforce that we re-decorate (its been 4 years) even though we have aq damp problem on outside wall taht is in process of being fixed, so we'd have to redecorate after that anyway!!! We have £2000 worth of work to get done on outside, £2000 to get damp problem fixed, and its gonna cost us £3000 to get inside sorted out. Its gonna take alot for us to find that money (probably gonna have to increase our mortgage to get it), yet this guy thinks we have money to just throw away!! grrrrr!!!
*laughing* Sorry.. went off on a rant there!
I think your neighbours are being very inconsiderate.. but I know how scary aggresive teens can be.. People laugh at me when I say they are the people I'm most scared of.
Wish I had more advice for you.. sorry
Nikki xx
Posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 20:58:40
In reply to Re: Nikki » kara lynne, posted by NikkiT2 on October 26, 2003, at 16:38:45
I've never heard of a landlord enforcing a tenant to redecorate. How can he do that?
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 27, 2003, at 8:00:44
In reply to How do you make that cool pound sign?, posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 20:58:40
I guess as I have a British keyboard, I get the £ as standard.. I do have $ aswell, but recently found my € which I'm very impressed with (Though anti UK using the Euro!!!)
We have this agreement thing, its not a tenency agreement as we don't have this place on tenency, but a lease hold agreement its called. And in there it states we have to have the outside re-decorated every 7 years (its now been 8, but thats because we have so many problems to sort out first!!) And the indoors have to be done every 4 years.. All very well for people with loads of money.. but not for us!!
Any more problems with the nightmare teens?? I really do feel for you..
Nikki x
Posted by kara lynne on October 27, 2003, at 14:29:45
In reply to Re: How do you make that cool pound sign? » kara lynne, posted by NikkiT2 on October 27, 2003, at 8:00:44
Hmm, I've never heard of anything like that agreement in the states. But that doesn't mean much because I've never owned any property.
I guess the guy figures if he tries not to smoke in my face he can make as much noise as he likes. I heard them all come in at 3am last night, shouting to each other like it was 9 in the morning. Some people just don't consider being considerate, I guess. I go too far in the other direction--like knowing how thin the walls are here I practically whisper all the time. It's not a good balance.
I've just learned I'm in possible evacuation territory due to the fires though, so more pressing issues are looming. If someone did this intentionally...
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 27, 2003, at 14:41:16
In reply to How do you make that cool pound sign?, posted by kara lynne on October 26, 2003, at 20:58:40
I'm going to answer the literal question, here.
Turn num lock on, hold down the Alt key, and enter 0163 on the number keypad.
There is a character map, which has all the codes, in Windoze at:
All programs>>accessories>>system tools>>character map
Scan the table, and if you find the gizmo you want to put into any document, just highlight it, and look for the code at the bottom of the little window.
If you want to enter the gizmo in a document, all you need to do is put your cursor where you want the gizmo, do num lock, Alt + code.
£@®
Posted by fallsfall on October 27, 2003, at 15:47:56
In reply to Re: How do you make that cool pound sign? » kara lynne, posted by Larry Hoover on October 27, 2003, at 14:41:16
¢ Cool! I used to play with something similar on my mac in the old days. ¿But Courier font doesn't have the cool boxes...
Thanks Larry, you made my day
Posted by kara lynne on October 27, 2003, at 19:13:47
In reply to Re: How do you make that cool pound sign? » kara lynne, posted by Larry Hoover on October 27, 2003, at 14:41:16
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 28, 2003, at 11:06:59
In reply to Larry, you are sooo sexy (nm), posted by kara lynne on October 27, 2003, at 19:13:47
....that sentiment doesn't do me much good, when you're so far away.... ;-)
£@®
This is the end of the thread.
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