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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 17:03:43
In reply to re: another past life for us/ lil jimi, posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 12:22:56
hi kara Lynne,
> Ah! Thank you for making clear the obvious. Of course that's what you might infer from the events--talk about top stressors. And it is still so fresh, really.
>Hey, You're Welcome!
i try to offer the comfrimation that others can see and recognize your plight there ... and, babe, you got a doozy! ..... .... hang in there!... xxx .... .... (yes, those are kisses) ...
> I don't quite understand the 6/9 months thing--does that mean grieving past 6 months makes you a candidate for meds? ( I can never get behind these time slots we're supposed to have for our emotions...) Well whatever the rationale it led you to something that works for you, and that's all that matters.
>thanks ... that's how i see it too ... ... i have never heard anybody specify grieving times like that ... ... very irritating, yet now very minor, really ... ... just one more weird thing.
> I don't think your fears are the slightest bit silly; I don't see how someone wouldn't have been impacted dramatically by the timing of those two things. I do think it's unfortunate though, that you have to be left with so much unresolved fear. Is there someone--a mentor, friend, fellow Buddhist that you could talk about this with?
>actually that remains an option for me ... ... i have friends at the buddhist temple where pema norbu visited ... ... i have intentionally put that off for the time being ... ... i suppose that my misgivings do amount to fear, but i hadn't thought of it that way .... yet.
and i have a friend over on the Faith board who has offered to do a channeling about this for me ...
> "ever feel like you are supposed to be learning a lesson about something and the universe is screaming it at you but you don't get it?"
May I say... everyday??
>okay. ... it is a kind of weird feeling, you know?
> But I get this sense lil Jimi, and I wish I could articulate it better, that the meaning for you ultimately is a very positive one. That on the other side of this fear lies a joy in what the actual connection might mean. I hope I'm not overstepping-- please slap me if I am. I just think there is something very beautiful waiting for you, in another reflection of the mirror.
>you, dear friend, could not overstep with me.
wonderful of you to offer such insightful, heartfelt, empathetic, beautiful sympathies ... .. ... thank you so much ...
... ... those are my feelings too, that there's a secret silver lining to my depression's dark cloud ... ... and i must learn from it ... ... .. ... it's just that it seems like it is so ... ... obvious and staring me in the face ... ... yet totally elusive ... ... for now> Thank you for indulging me my stress factors-- my misdocumented drama, my inadequate dx (that sounds so funny--even my diagnosis is inadequate!). I am off to...ta da...the ear doctor, so he can look at my lanced eustachian tube.
>Oh! ... Do take care of those ears! ... ... indulging you is easy ... .... you read me great!
> Thank you for writing.
hey, i thank you for reading ... me ... so well.
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 17:07:48
In reply to re: another life passed for us, posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 16:26:22
Posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 17:51:46
In reply to ah, yes, of course ... thank you much, Kind Heart! (nm) » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 17:07:48
We could start a Buddhist soap opera: Days of Our Past Lives...
Whaddya think?
Posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 18:03:11
In reply to I got it! lil jimi..., posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 17:51:46
> We could start a Buddhist soap opera: Days of Our Past Lives...
>
> Whaddya think?
>
>Excellent .... great potential ... ... writers could magnify and amplify the dramas between/among the characters with their recurrent issues through the ages ... ... great opportunity for flash backs ... dream sequences ... ... deja vu(s)
... ... i'm imagining multiple-time frame villians !
... terrific!... ... and of course, the spin off:
... ... "Nights of Our Past Lives"
... .... for the adults
Posted by lostsailor on August 13, 2003, at 19:46:13
In reply to re: I got it! lil jimi... » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 18:03:11
Posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 19:54:32
In reply to re: I got it! lil jimi... » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 18:03:11
"Nights of Our Past Lives"
Ooooh, I love it!
Posted by gabbix2 on August 13, 2003, at 20:04:00
In reply to re: I got it! lil jimi..., posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 19:54:32
who went to a hot dog stand and asked the Vendor to make him one with everything?
Boooo!!
smack me.
Posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 22:54:17
In reply to .....Did you hear..about The Buddhist, posted by gabbix2 on August 13, 2003, at 20:04:00
> who went to a hot dog stand and asked the Vendor to make him one with everything?
>
> Boooo!!
>
> smack me.
>
>Awwww.... ... ... Thank you!
... ... why don't we get more jokes around here?
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 11:52:09
In reply to re: another life passed for us » yesac, posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 15:55:05
Hi everybody!
I must say this thread's getting very long!! It makes me feel special - kind of ridiculous, but I like it when a thread I start or am integrally involved with gets to be so long!
I feel pretty good today, actually. Yesterday I felt pretty terrible. I saw my therapist and that was fine, but I just felt terrible. Went to Walmart and felt tremendously annoyed with the large crowds and the lack of chick peas and low fat sliced cheese and egg whites (it's not a super walmart so they only have a few aisles of food). I was gonna be so pissed off if they didn't have Equate brand Cetaphil - luckily, I got the last one. They didn't have my yarn again, and neither did Michael's. I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish my blanket. I might end up having to special order the yarn for heaven's sake!
Anyways, I was going to call my psychiatrist this morning to see if I can see him sooner than next Tuesday, but then I didn't have time before I left for work and I don't really want to do it from work. I still would like to see him sooner, because I am just so tired of waiting, thinking that if I give a drug another few days maybe it will do something. I mean, it's been 9 weeks and it hasn't done sh*t, so why should a few more days matter? I might as well just get off it right now. I hope I can see him tomorrow or at least Monday. I really want to discuss what to do next, because something needs to change.
How are you guys doing today?
It's really hot and humid here.
Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:15:10
In reply to Anyone here today?, posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 11:52:09
Hi yesac,
Glad you're feeling better today. Large crowds and lack of chick peas would annnoy anyone.What med are you on now? Nine weeks seems like a pretty good trial--although some might argue. But even a dosage adjustment might help. Maybe you can sneak in a call to the doc from work--otherwise Tuesday isn't too far off.
I feel worse as the weekend nears. For some reason it makes me think of my ex more, what he's doing, who he's with. I'm trying to bring the focus back to myself, but I don't like it there. I wish I had more weekend options, or friends to hang out with. Real friends.
It's suffocating hot here. I still haven't unpacked, and I realized one of the reasons is because I don't completely want to be here. I think subconsciously I still have my bags packed (although you couldn't pay me to move again right now). The people next to me are a bunch of cigarette smoking 80's relics--- the 18 year old sounds like he's talking through a megaphone.
I feel like I'm living in a trailor park.
Aaahh.
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 13:15:13
In reply to re: .....Did you hear..about The Buddhist » gabbix2, posted by lil' jimi on August 13, 2003, at 22:54:17
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:01:56
In reply to Anyone here today?, posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 11:52:09
hi yesac!
i'm here! ... ... good to read you!
> Hi everybody!
>
> I must say this thread's getting very long!! It makes me feel special - kind of ridiculous, but I like it when a thread I start or am integrally involved with gets to be so long!
>
> I feel pretty good today, actually. Yesterday I felt pretty terrible. I saw my therapist and that was fine, but I just felt terrible. Went to Walmart and felt tremendously annoyed with the large crowds and the lack of chick peas and low fat sliced cheese and egg whites (it's not a super walmart so they only have a few aisles of food). I was gonna be so pissed off if they didn't have Equate brand Cetaphil - luckily, I got the last one. They didn't have my yarn again, and neither did Michael's. I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish my blanket. I might end up having to special order the yarn for heaven's sake!
>
> Anyways, I was going to call my psychiatrist this morning to see if I can see him sooner than next Tuesday, but then I didn't have time before I left for work and I don't really want to do it from work. I still would like to see him sooner, because I am just so tired of waiting, thinking that if I give a drug another few days maybe it will do something. I mean, it's been 9 weeks and it hasn't done sh*t, so why should a few more days matter? I might as well just get off it right now. I hope I can see him tomorrow or at least Monday. I really want to discuss what to do next, because something needs to change.
>
> How are you guys doing today?
>
> It's really hot and humid here.... ... and really glad you're feeling better there ... ...
... ... sorry your med hasn't been helpful ... ... parnate, right?
... ... good luck with your doc there ....we went from surface of the sun HOT late last week TO tropical monsoon jungle rain forest this week and for the next week ... ... have had the blessing of an inch of rain yesterday with 70% chance today and more to come ....
... thunderstorms and rainy here in austin ...love,
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:04:07
In reply to re: Anyone here today?, posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:01:56
i started writing the above post 2 hours ago ... ... ... just got back from a late lunch with my boss .... .... only got to finally post it just now ....
sorry!
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:12:44
In reply to Re: Anyone here today?, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:15:10
hi kara lynne!
you and our sweet yesac and y'all's weekend evasions ... ... what can we do to help you guys have fun in general and have fun on the weekend?
Unpack, already ... ... let yourself settle in ... ... relax about it ... ... neighbors, what are you going to do about 'em? ... ... they're like on-site reality entertainment ... ... maybe like negative role models to reject, while inspiring us to transcend ... ... to new heights!
and _Don't Call Him!_
(where's that list i made for you? ... i got it here somewheres!) ....<<tease-kid-playing>>! ....okay?
take care!!
~ jim
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 14:16:22
In reply to Re: Anyone here today?, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:15:10
Hi KL... glad you're here!
Well, my meds right now are: Parnate 90mg and Neurontin 600mg. I just went off Lamictal and have been off of it since Monday - no problems there with either withdrawal or feeling differently, so I guess I know it really wasn't doing anything. The Neurontin I've only been on for 2 weeks, although it seems like longer. It's the Parnate that I'm thinking I'll go off of. Like, 60mg is the maximum recommended dose, but I've seen that people sometimes go a lot higher, so I put myself up to 90 just to see. And now I think, well should I try going up to 120? But at some point, you just have to make the decision to stop. The other thing is that I could try adding lithium, but I'm not too keen on that. I kind of feel like I just want to get off the parnate and start fresh with something totally new. It's true, Tuesday's really not far, but in some ways I just don't want to wait. Especially last night I felt really desperate like I really needed to see him ASAP. But I don't feel like that so much today.
I worry about the weekend, too, as you probably know because I post about it like every weekend! Yeah, the "bring your focus to yourself" bit is sometimes a lot harder than it sounds. The whole "take time for yourself, do what YOU want to do" and all of that. What I want to do is - nothing. There is nothing that I want to do. But I don't want to do nothing. The big fat irony of my depression. And it's even harder to get myself to do stuff when I'm by myself. I just can't get enough motivation, and I just sit there and think "oh forget it, it probably isn't even worth it anyway." Sometimes I try to do these things that are nice for myself, like I took a bath about a month ago because it's one of those things you always hear about being such a treat to yourself. Well, I found it to be incredibly boring. I was just laying there in the tub, like "well this sucks". At least it killed some time, though.
I don't have ANY plans for this upcoming weekend either. At least for the past few weekends I've had at least a little something planned. I don't know what I'll do. This is really sad, but I think that I might actually drive about 30 minutes to this place where I know there is a Taco Bell and right next to it a Dairy Queen, and get a 7-layer burrito and then ice cream. For some reason, there aren't many of either of those places around here. And doing something like that is about all I can handle. I'd like to do more interesting things, go to cool places (especially because I am new to this state and I've been meaning to see the stuff here), but it's just too much for me.
Unpacking is hard. (so is packing for that matter). I always take a long time to unpack and settle in. I've lived at my place now since January, and still there is some disorder with where certain things should go, etc. I have this candle fixture that I've been meaning to hang on the wall for months, but still haven't done it. It's not even because I don't want to be there exactly. I don't know what it is.
I thought the thing you said a while ago about eating with the same plastic fork was funny. I can totally see myself doing that! But maybe if you just unpack a little bit at a time... You know, just like one bag/box per day or something. You know, set little goals.
Have you tried to talk to your new neighbors at all? At least maybe they could be someone to chat with now and then, if not the best friends ever!
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:16:40
In reply to re: Karmatic Television...meditate on it...:) (nm), posted by lostsailor on August 13, 2003, at 19:46:13
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 14:34:38
In reply to Re: Oh, I've missed Everything ;(, posted by kara lynne on August 13, 2003, at 12:29:14
> What are your roommates like? When did you move in with them?
>
> Roommates can be so difficult, but on the other hand you have built in company when you're getting along.Yeah, things didn't end so well with my last roomates, especially of course the one who is still in the area. I really don't know what happened with them, because I had felt for several months that everything was going so well. Sometimes in the past, well, once actually, it was really great to have roomates because we were all friends and it was fun and good. I'd really like to have roomates like that again, or at least roomates who I really enjoy. The hardest part for me seems to be the feeling comfortable aspect, which is odd because even though I am kinda shy with people especially at first, usually I can end up feeling pretty comfortable after a while, with enough exposure.
But, my new roomates are one guy and one girl. The guy is about to start his master's degree in comparative lit. The girl works on campus like me (also in research - hers sounds really interesting to me actually). He just moved down here and isn't familiar with the area, but does have a few friends here. The girl has been here for a few years and seems to have plenty of friends and possibly a boyfriend (she hasn't really come out and said that he's her boyfriend, but he calls a lot, and it just seems like he must be). Anyways, they both seem very nice and cool (although, I find myself thinking that maybe they are "too cool" and will think I'm a loser or something, especially because I have no life and I feel like a very boring person sometimes).
It's been a couple of weeks. We have a whole year, at least! I try not to, but I do always find myself wishing that they won't be around and wantting to retreat into my room - so ironic, since I'm so lonely. But it is so much easier to just be alone than to have to put forth the effort of trying to get to know someone. Just the awkwardness. I'm really hoping that will eventually dissipate, because it can be really great to have people right there to chat with and laugh with and stuff.
Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 14:37:36
In reply to Re: Anyone here today? » kara lynne, posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 14:16:22
-What I want to do is - nothing.-
Oh God that bath story made me laugh, yesac. I feel the same way! We had a really nice jacuzzi tub (when I lived with my ex) and I hardly ever used it. And when I did use it I liked it for about 3 minutes and then I was bored. Of course now I'd love to have that tub...
I discovered I've made the connection that if I'm nice to the neighbors they're going to think it's fine to be really noisy and smoke all the time. Now that I've put it together I can re-think that logic. I haven't been not nice; in fact I've never actually met them. But I think I've been avoiding meeting them. If the walls weren't paper thin I wouldn't care so much.
Parnate gave me such headaches, but I didn't give it as solid of a try as you have. Good for you for sticking it out this long.
What state are you from?
Leaving for work--I'll check back in a few hours.
Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 14:42:33
In reply to re: Anyone here today? » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:12:44
Ok, I'm gonna try and settle in. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than anyone here-- in fact I think I feel bad because I've deduced that this is my plight in life.
Well, if you can't beat 'em (literally, if I can't beat them)...
You're funny jimi. Keep telling me...all the time! It's working, I haven't called so far!
Do you play guitar with your left hand?
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 14:56:36
In reply to re: Anyone here today?, posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:01:56
Oh! It seems to rain here practically every single day. When you look at the forecast, for about the past 3 weeks and all through this weekend and next week, it says isolated T-storms, chance of T-storms, scattered showers, rainy, chance of rain... Crazy! There usually is some sun though during most of the day (when i'm inside at work). Last week, I made the ridiculously stupid move of leaving my car windows open (because my AC is broken!) while I went into a store. The weather was sunny and fine. But I was in there longer than expected and I came out and it was absolutely POURING. My seats had puddles on them! I was so annoyed with myself. I was afraid that my car would reek after that but it didn't actually. Well, I learned MY lesson, that's for sure!
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 15:05:28
In reply to re: Anyone here today? » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 14:12:44
> you and our sweet yesac and y'all's weekend evasions ... ... what can we do to help you guys have fun in general and have fun on the weekend?
Ahhh... Fun... what a wonderful illusion. Well, an illusion to me anyway. An enigma really. I'd settle for Enjoy, never mind Fun!
It seems like it must be so easy with a loving family right there to spend all your moments with. Sylvia and Robert Santiago. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like I am from what I hear!
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 15:25:49
In reply to Re: Anyone here today? yesac, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 14:37:36
Does the smoke get into your apartment too? Oh I would hate that!! Thank goodness I've never had to live with smokers. So are you saying that you are avoiding meeting them BECAUSE of what you hear through the paper-thin walls? Or just that you wouldn't care about meeting them if the walls weren't paper thin? I'm sure it's not like this, but I have this image in my mind of in the movie Big, when he checks into that ghetto hotel and can hear the people next to him screaming at each other all night.
My neighbors are a little odd. I live in a duplex, so they share a wall with us. The only time I met them actually, was when I locked myself out of my house. It was awful, because here I was like introducing myself and having to say that I locked myself out and needed their phone, did they know the landlord's number... And THEN to top it off, could they drive me to my landlord's house to get an extra key (because of course, my own car keys were locked inside my house)? They were nice about it and did drive me, but I felt so ridiculous the whole time! The dude wasn't very conversational either. Other than that, I say hi to them now and then but that's about it.
I haven't had any side effect problems with parnate except a WICKED DRY MOUTH and lightheadedness. So it hasn't been too hard to stick with actually. I'd like to be able to eat cheddar cheese again though.
I live in NC. I grew up in NH from the time I was 6 (before that Vermont), then went to college in MA. So I'm pretty much a New England girl in the South. I moved here all by myself last October!
Posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 16:24:18
In reply to re: Anyone here today? jimi, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 14:42:33
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 16:39:58
In reply to re: Anyone here today? jimi, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 14:42:33
hey kara kara,
> Ok, I'm gonna try and settle in. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than anyone here-- in fact I think I feel bad because I've deduced that this is my plight in life.
>well, i was going to try to defend the trailer park folk .... .... but there's only so much one can do ... ... Heh!
> Well, if you can't beat 'em (literally, if I can't beat them)...
>AHG! ... you can't BEAT them!! ... HA!
> You're funny jimi. Keep telling me...all the time! It's working, I haven't called so far!
>No, Ex-o!
No, Ex-o!
No, Ex-o!Don't "Just say" NO! ....
... ... Say, *** ***, ** ***, **, *******, NO!!!i kid you sweetie ... keep up the No Call Policy!
Thank you!
~ jim
> Do you play guitar with your left hand?i wish ...
... ... i can hear "manic depresion is capturing my soul
.... ... i know what i want, but i
... just don't knowwww ...."i haven't any of my right-handed guitar in a loooooooong time ...
xxx,
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on August 14, 2003, at 16:47:24
In reply to thunder and lightening » lil' jimi, posted by yesac on August 14, 2003, at 14:56:36
well, i Think i put the windows up in my un-air conditioned neon ... i hope!
> Oh! It seems to rain here practically every single day. When you look at the forecast, for about the past 3 weeks and all through this weekend and next week, it says isolated T-storms, chance of T-storms, scattered showers, rainy, chance of rain... Crazy! There usually is some sun though during most of the day (when i'm inside at work). Last week, I made the ridiculously stupid move of leaving my car windows open (because my AC is broken!) while I went into a store. The weather was sunny and fine. But I was in there longer than expected and I came out and it was absolutely POURING. My seats had puddles on them! I was so annoyed with myself. I was afraid that my car would reek after that but it didn't actually. Well, I learned MY lesson, that's for sure!
looks like another week of wet here too
... ... we needed the rain, but we're fixing to get flooding if it keeps up at his rate ...... hey looky there ... ... the whole northeast is in a blackout ... !
keep dry and thank your little yesac car for not stinking!
~ jim
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