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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on August 10, 2003, at 18:42:31
I spent the last two nights with a friend-- someone who doesn't understand depression, so I couldn't talk about a lot of what's going on. She was also drinking quite a bit and I don't drink at all, so that was difficult. I made myself go out (a la fallsfall, although I wish it had been with her!) so I wouldn't be alone. But I was tired and depressed, and I noticed most of the male attention went toward her whenever we went anywhere. Not hard to imagine why in my state, but it didn't do much for my morale.
And now I am alone. I don't want to call my ex although it's tempting. Why would I call someone who said those kinds of things about me. But then I'm lying on the couch watching the Osbourne's and I start to imagine him with another woman. I saw a real therapist last week and he said the ex would probably find another woman soon because he sounds like a dependent person. Then he asked if I was willing to risk that possiblity while I take this time to get my feet on the ground. I just have to think it through, and imagine what that other woman has to look forward to in the days to come. But at first you know, it's all wine and roses.
I'm too tired to divert my attention with things that need to be done, and there are so many of them. I think I annoyed my counselor by calling her one too many times. There's only so much desperate calling someone can do--no-one can come live my life for me.
I have no motivation. It's really, really hot. I'm doing baby steps trying to take care of myself, but it's really difficult. I won't unpack the boxes in the kitchen so I'm using one plastic fork over and over. That kind of thing.
I'm too tired to go out and find the support I need--even then I'm not sure where I would go. This is very hard.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 10, 2003, at 20:57:03
In reply to I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 10, 2003, at 18:42:31
Kara,
I understand the kind of depression you are talking about. It is really hard. It is hard to clean my house. It is hard to shower.
I What can I offer for advice? My alters (I have DID, or Multiple personality disorder) have been teaching me some things. One is to draw, draw what I see in my head, what I feel, etc. It helps alot.... I can look at what was drawn, and learn things from them.
I am also learning to play. We bought some tinker toys, some chalk, and found a piece of slate at an antique store. We need to play, we need to go to the park and swing.
I don't know if play would help you, but I don't think it can hurt. Get an ice cream cone, go to the park, get some coloring books. I don't know what might help you, but if you can find some things that work with your emotions, rather than your intellect, maybe it will help.
I'm by no means healthy, but it seems that when I can bypass my intellect, it is easier to get the fun in. I guess that I think that fun in = more good energy.
I hope I helped a little,
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on August 10, 2003, at 21:58:58
In reply to I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 10, 2003, at 18:42:31
> I spent the last two nights with a friend-- someone who doesn't understand depression, so I couldn't talk about a lot of what's going on. She was also drinking quite a bit and I don't drink at all, so that was difficult. I made myself go out (a la fallsfall, although I wish it had been with her!) so I wouldn't be alone.
*** Me, too, sweetie!
But I was tired and depressed, and I noticed most of the male attention went toward her whenever we went anywhere. Not hard to imagine why in my state, but it didn't do much for my morale.
*** I don't smile much when I'm depressed, and I'm not very bubbly. I wouldn't be competition for any woman when I'm depressed.
>
> And now I am alone. I don't want to call my ex although it's tempting.*** I read this line and I said "Yeah, Kara!!!!" I'm proud of you.
Why would I call someone who said those kinds of things about me. But then I'm lying on the couch watching the Osbourne's and I start to imagine him with another woman. I saw a real therapist last week and he said the ex would probably find another woman soon because he sounds like a dependent person. Then he asked if I was willing to risk that possiblity while I take this time to get my feet on the ground. I just have to think it through, and imagine what that other woman has to look forward to in the days to come. But at first you know, it's all wine and roses.
*** And you KNOW it is all wine and roses to start. So don't be fooled that he likes "her" better just because it is wine and roses.
*** I wish you could think of you and the future, rather than him and the future. You have so much going for you, and there are so many men who would treat you so much better. Can you daydream about one of them? A boy in highschool who you never had the nerve to say hello to? They guy you wanted to marry, but he married someone else? Or someone you just make up. What would he do for you (this is fantasy, you can make up anything...)? What would you do for him? What would you do when you went out? What would you do when you stayed home?
>
> I'm too tired to divert my attention with things that need to be done, and there are so many of them. I think I annoyed my counselor by calling her one too many times. There's only so much desperate calling someone can do--no-one can come live my life for me.*** If I can't divert my attention with things that need to be done (which is most of the time...), then I try with things that don't need to be done (Dee's suggestions are good, particularly the ice cream one). Go to the Library and find a random place in the stacks and find something that would be interesting to read for 30 minutes (and sit on the floor to read). Make a sculpture with stuff you find outside.
>
> I have no motivation. It's really, really hot. I'm doing baby steps trying to take care of myself, but it's really difficult. I won't unpack the boxes in the kitchen so I'm using one plastic fork over and over. That kind of thing.*** Ice Cream. It is so hard to unpack (and even harder when it is hot). Try unpacking late at night or early in the morning when it is cooler. Go someplace airconditioned in the middle of the day (library?). I set up rewards for myself. If I do 10 minutes of work then I can play on the computer for 20 minutes. I get more done that way than if I say I have to work for 30 minutes. In the meantime - don't lose your fork.
>
> I'm too tired to go out and find the support I need--even then I'm not sure where I would go. This is very hard.*** Yes, it is hard. Partly because you have a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be unpacked, and to do that you have to make lots of decisions (will I keep it? Where should it go? Do I need anything (picture hooks, or drawer organizers or ??) to put it away?)
*** If you start with the easiest boxes (maybe books that go on the same bookcase they were on before), you might get some confidence.
*** And if you don't get anything done? So what! You still have your fork and tomorrow is another day.
Go Bowling.
Posted by Tabitha on August 11, 2003, at 2:05:26
In reply to I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 10, 2003, at 18:42:31
Kara, it's probably a good thing you're not broadcasting 'come and get me' vibes to men right now. Gives you time to finish getting over the ex and get clearer about what you want next. That visualization stuff fallsfall suggested is a great idea. At least I assume it's a great idea because my therapist is always bugging me to do it.
My only advice is stay with your feelings and follow your instincts as you start this new phase. It'll get better. You'll find your way.
Posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 14:32:12
In reply to Re: I am *sad*. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 10, 2003, at 21:58:58
Hi falls,
Do you know I wrote that post, turned off the computer, walked down the street and bought an ice cream? Great minds...Of course then I came back, took the other half of Zanax and conked out for the rest of the day and night. I didn't intend for that to happen; I just wanted to be calm, not comatose. I don't like that feeling. Neither did my cat, she kept meowing in my face for me to get up and get myself together (unfortunately it didn't work).
You hit it exactly and I never considered it: by unpacking I have to deal with what I need and it's overwhelming. There is precious little closet space here and I have to get some kind of cheap armoire or storage to keep my stuff in. I need all sorts of kitchen things--basic things-- and a new vacuum cleaner. Every morning I wake up with a really sore back, and I'm afraid I need a new bed. Of course my ex has the $2,000 new bed that he bought for us and unfortunately I can really tell the difference.
So then the issue of need and of course money comes up---and how I'm going to get it all together--no wonder I can't open a box!
Anyway, thank you for your suggestions. I am going to work on them.
Can you say what major city you live near?( I understand completely if you don't want to--really.)
Posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 14:43:31
In reply to Re: I am *sad*., posted by deirdrehbrt on August 10, 2003, at 20:57:03
Hi dierdre,
Thank you for responding to my post. I think drawing or coloring is a great suggestion. I haven't really let myself explore that too much although I'd like to.
I used to play the guitar--one of the signs of depression for me is that it stays in the closet. I don't understand what that is or why there is so much conflict around pursuing something that would bring me joy. Is it that I have to be perfect at it? Is it that my family somehow destroyed it for me (they had a knack for that)? Either way, you remind me of something that is very nurturing to my spirit that I've been denying.
And we all seem to agree that ice cream wouldn't hurt a bit either.
I really do wish we all lived nearer and could get together and play...
Thanks again.
Posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 15:30:20
In reply to Re: I am *sad*., posted by Tabitha on August 11, 2003, at 2:05:26
But the tarot card reader said I'd find someone this month...
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 11, 2003, at 15:50:46
In reply to Re: I am *sad*. deirdre, posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 14:43:31
Kara,
You mentioned your guitar; I play guitar too. I used to play and sing for weddings, funerals, theatre productions, etc. I only play acoustic guitar.... not electric, or rock style. When I was younger, my guitar was absolutely my closest friend.
I have cut my playing back a great deal with the depression too, but I have a trick. The guitar doesn't stay in it's case. I also play recorder and a few other things. As I'm typing this, I can touch my flute with my left finger.... I have a number of instruments in places where I can see them, or where I have to walk by them. That way, when the urge comes on to play something, I just pick up an instrument and play. Just inside my journal is a page where I have a list of songs that I know, sometimes I want to play, but don't know what to play, and the list is right there to remind me. I don't have to pick up a music book. Having a list of songs that I know is probably the best thing. You don't have to flip pages and stop, etc. all that you need to do is to play, and if you want, sing.
Your guitar is a very valuable friend. I've named one of mine, she has her own personality and deserved a name.
I hope this helps,
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on August 11, 2003, at 16:32:59
In reply to Re: I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 14:32:12
Hi Kara,
Making decisions is always hard when I'm depressed - even if the decisions don't have a lot of sentimental value. I have been known to work on just the parts that don't need decisions and put the decision stuff aside (I always do this for cleaning out my email). That way at least something gets done.
I live closest to Boston. Coming to visit?
I play my guitar ONLY when I am in the hospital. It is the most effective thing at calming me down. Somehow I don't take it out when I'm home (?).
Posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 18:20:35
In reply to Re: I am *sad*. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 11, 2003, at 16:32:59
Boston. Wow. Just a hop, skip and a jump from sunny So. Cal. If there was any way I could fathom a plane ride that long I would love to come visit.
When I was in the hospital a woman said she was there because she was a musician and was depressed that she couldn't get herself to play. That was the *reason* she was in--or at least that was what she said. I remember thinking she was so pretty and talented, she couldn't possibly belong there. And the cafeteria cook used to make my egg salad sandwiches (my addiction then) every day, shake his head and say I just didn't belong in a place like this...
I wonder where I did belong. I wonder where I do belong. I long to belong. I wouldn't mind being longer, either. Ok, slap self now.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 11, 2003, at 20:47:39
In reply to Re: I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 18:20:35
Kara,
I think that sometimes those of us who go into the hospital, though maybe still quite ill, are better off than many of the supposedly 'healthy' people who never go to the hospital. We at least recognize that we are in need of help. Those who think "we shouldn't be there" have certainly never overheard our talks with the admissions people or with the counselors in the emergency room or hospital room.
There are so many who think that a suicide attempt is merely to get attention. I think I don't really care what most of these people think anymore. Most everyone who is "completely healthy" doesn't hang around me anymore and I think that the "sick" people are much more interesting anyway. Let's face it... we know that things can get tough, we've lived through real drama, we've been hurt. On the other hand, we've experienced good things, and we value them.
I think that's why music is so important to us, and perhaps why so many musicians have some sort of mental illness. It is a way that we can express ourselves to people who otherwise wouldn't understand us. They won't listen to us talk, but they will listen to our songs.
Anyway, I'm getting into a weird mood here, and left unrestrained I would write a book. Have a good evening,
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on August 11, 2003, at 21:19:04
In reply to Re: I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 18:20:35
You belong here on Babble, and visiting in Boston. Let me know if you ever head this way!
Posted by Sebastian on August 11, 2003, at 22:15:42
In reply to I am *sad*., posted by kara lynne on August 10, 2003, at 18:42:31
Boston? Wow NC here. It does suck how the undepresed don't understand. I used to feel like such an idiot around my ex-girlfriend when I talked about depression. I have also noticed a un-compatability with most girls these days as I'm depressed all the time. My dating life has truely sucked majorly since I started depression, and I can't only blame it on meds?! Its true he probable wouldn't want to buy you wine and roses anymore, its time for you to move on.
Sebastian
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