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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:49:29
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
So why is he such a butt hole?
Posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:55:47
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:49:29
Well *that* I cannot answer.
But thank you for your objectivity, that's exactly what I'm looking for. I think you have diagnosed him accurately.
Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 21:19:45
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:55:47
Sorry I went to the gym!
So where are you going to find this somebody?
Posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:53:13
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
I think you know what to do about your Ex. Just keep remembering that you are the person who you need to take care of. You sound so much stronger than a couple of weeks ago.
The only ray of hope for the apartment is that you will probably become accustomed to the noise and eventually you won't hear it.
Now, when you find a doorstep where they are willing to take you in and pat you, let me know. I'm looking for that, too.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:05:30
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:53:13
Hi fallsfall,
Nice to hear from you.I keep trying to keep in mind that I do better when I don't speak to him. I emailed him and told him I needed some more time for myself right now, and that if he doesn't hear from me that's why. My therapist reminded me today that to be with him I have to give up me. Not a good deal.
So I'm trying to get through day at a time, with manageable steps. If I start thinking I can never see him or call him, and get strung out imagining him with another woman I don't do well. But I'm trying to take it a step further and imagine what life will be like for that woman---was it you that said I should send her a condolence card?
Oh boy. The problem is that damn 5am time. I wake up so vulnerable.
I will try to find us a nice doorstep, with good patters.
How are you doing? It really is nice to hear from you.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:07:44
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 21:19:45
Anywhere I can.
But it's kind of difficult to meet anyone sitting dazed in my apartment, so tired I could weep.
Suggestions?
Posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 1:58:40
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
Oh honey, that sounds so awful. It's time for self-protect mode. Can you just not listen to the phone messages from the ex?
Do you have a fan or something to try to mask out the noise til you can move somewhere quieter?
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 7:54:36
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:05:30
You need to stop imagining him at all. Try imagining you with another guy. Or you with a group of girlfriends having a sleepover and watching chick flicks.
Tabitha brings up a good point about the white noise. There was an earlier thread that talked about "white noise boxes".
Do something really nice for you today.
Posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... » kara lynne, posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 1:58:40
I used to have an ex who used to leave long
abusive messages on my phone machine....his voice
was like venom. Yet I was addicted to listening to
them for some sick reason. Even though after I listened
to them I felt bruised and battered inside. Finally, after
too long a period, if it was his voice on a message, I would
delete it before I listened to it. I felt so much better.
Luckily, I had a roomate at the time (who was also my friend)
and she would delete them for me sometimes too.I guess if there was one good thing about listening to the messages
it was that I was able to see just how abusive he was and it hurt me,
but it also, on some level, discusted me. One day it really hit me just
how pathetic it was that he felt the need to shower so much hatred on me.
It showed me just how small he felt inside. It sure didn't make me want
to be with him again, which was good.But every time I deleted the message without listening to it, I got a little
stronger. Sometimes the messages would come on the worst possible days. I'd had
a shitty day at work...I was tired and sad...I was doubting my lovability and my
ability to be in healthy relationships...and sure enough, I'd get home and there would
be a message from him in his venom laced voice and whatever he had to say would beam right
in like a laser on the very thing I was feeling insecure about. It was uncanny. One time
I was feeling particulary tired and sad and I was thinking 'how am I ever going to meet anyone...
I'm such a loser...I'm so awkward around men...blah blah blah'...the demons were off and running.
I come home and there's a message from him saying in this sickly sweet sarcastic mr. rogers voice
"Hey Ruth...you know how you feel so awkward around men....I think I know the reason why..." He
was about to go on and say who knows what...and I deleted it.Anyway...not sure what my point is. I guess that it helps a lot if you can somehow not listen to
the message, because it's pretty much like taking a punch in the gut. But the one good thing about
listening to the messages, at least for a little while, is you can see what a jerk they truly are and it
can reinforce you not wanting to be with them.
About noise...man can I relate to that. My neighborhood is _very_ noisy and it
drives me crazy. It just frays my nerves. I think some of us are more sensitive
to noises. It makes me anxious. I'm thinking of getting a white noise machine. I've
heard they're cheap. Maybe I'll get 5 of them.Hang in there--Roo
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 11:58:39
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:07:44
Why is your sleep bad? Maybe you should go out and look around?
Sebastian
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 12:06:29
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...Kara Lynne, posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
> I used to have an ex who used to leave long
> abusive messages on my phone machine....his voice
> was like venom. Yet I was addicted to listening to
> them for some sick reason. Even though after I listened
> to them I felt bruised and battered inside. Finally, after
> too long a period, if it was his voice on a message, I would
> delete it before I listened to it. I felt so much better.
> Luckily, I had a roomate at the time (who was also my friend)
> and she would delete them for me sometimes too.
>
> I guess if there was one good thing about listening to the messages
> it was that I was able to see just how abusive he was and it hurt me,
> but it also, on some level, discusted me. One day it really hit me just
> how pathetic it was that he felt the need to shower so much hatred on me.
> It showed me just how small he felt inside. It sure didn't make me want
> to be with him again, which was good.
>
> But every time I deleted the message without listening to it, I got a little
> stronger. Sometimes the messages would come on the worst possible days. I'd had
> a shitty day at work...I was tired and sad...I was doubting my lovability and my
> ability to be in healthy relationships...and sure enough, I'd get home and there would
> be a message from him in his venom laced voice and whatever he had to say would beam right
> in like a laser on the very thing I was feeling insecure about. It was uncanny. One time
> I was feeling particulary tired and sad and I was thinking 'how am I ever going to meet anyone...
> I'm such a loser...I'm so awkward around men...blah blah blah'...the demons were off and running.
> I come home and there's a message from him saying in this sickly sweet sarcastic mr. rogers voice
> "Hey Ruth...you know how you feel so awkward around men....I think I know the reason why..." He
> was about to go on and say who knows what...and I deleted it.
>
> Anyway...not sure what my point is. I guess that it helps a lot if you can somehow not listen to
> the message, because it's pretty much like taking a punch in the gut. But the one good thing about
> listening to the messages, at least for a little while, is you can see what a jerk they truly are and it
> can reinforce you not wanting to be with them.
>
>
> About noise...man can I relate to that. My neighborhood is _very_ noisy and it
> drives me crazy. It just frays my nerves. I think some of us are more sensitive
> to noises. It makes me anxious. I'm thinking of getting a white noise machine. I've
> heard they're cheap. Maybe I'll get 5 of them.
>
> Hang in there--RooOr maybe you should just go out and forget all about him! Hang out some where.
Sebastian
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:10:27
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...Kara Lynne, posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
Hi ROO,
Thanks for writing and telling me what you went through, even though I'm sorry you had to put up with it.What's disturbing is the level of abuse it takes before I recognize it, or draw the line. I played the last message for my therapist and she said it was mean, rude and insulting. And I was toying around with the idea that at least he was *trying*, or something like that. But after the session I was able to write the email telling him I needed some time to myself. And I'm no longer saving the messages (except in that case to play to her).
Yet strangely, I woke up this morning and felt sad that he hadn't called.
Hope I get over that soon.
I looked in one place for a white noise machine but they didn't carry them. As soon as I conjure up some energy (!) I'll look some more.
Thanks again.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:22:00
In reply to Re: Sounds like good advice...Kara Lynne » ROO, posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 12:06:29
Hello Sebastion,
Yes, good advice it is.I'm trying to do that hanging thing. Last night I was sooo tired I didn't want to do anything, but I went to dinner with a couple of friends. I even let them in my new apt. (total disarray) and they liked it. Of course when they saw it it was quiet as heaven, and they were laughing saying suuuure it's noisy around here...
I even gave my phone number to the guy we were with that I'm not attracted to (in *that* sort of way), but we've all hung out together as friends many times now and he's really nice. I moved close to where he lives and he said we should get coffee and I said ok. He's way younger than me and not particularly interested in having a relationship right now either, but at least we can hang out and have coffee.
So there you go. I'm trying to wash that other man right outta my hair.
Where do you hang out, Sebastion?
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 17:49:07
In reply to Hanging around Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:22:00
Usualy at the gym, thats about it, wish I had more to do. I got sick of all my old friends as they were into the other kind of Coke.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 18:21:26
In reply to Re: Hanging around Sebastion, posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 17:49:07
called me his one and only love. Said he hopes I'm doing well.
God that makes me want to call him.
Especially as I'm planning on being very lonely this weekend. What does one do when one is lonely, and tired and depressed and not in a great position to go do anything pro-active about one's loneliness?
And one doesn't want to succomb to the crumbs that one's ex is throwing her?
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:44:59
In reply to He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 18:21:26
Why did you break it off? You make me want to call an ex because I'm so lonly and have nothing to do this weekend.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:44:59
No, don't say it! I hope you're only kidding...?
This is pretty fresh which makes it harder. I'm hoping the more time goes by the less I'll be inclined to call him on those lonely weekends. What I'm *really* hoping is that I'll be so busy with someone else the thought won't even occur...
Why did I break it off? That could take a long time to answer, but I'll try to spare you. In short, I was miserably unhappy being with him and there was a pretty hairy scene at the end, where he told me among other things that I was (sorry people who have heard this too much) a hideous woman who did not deserve love and would never find it.
And the impotence didn't help, nor did the drug addiction.
But aside from that, everything was fine.
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 20:48:47
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
Realy all I ever do is stay at home and watch TV. It gets boring, but on the other hand if I go out I get boring also, so I spare everyone and stay home. Doesn't sound like he's realy interested. Is he impotent?
Sebastian
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 21:56:39
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
Kara,
You can do this. You don't want him. You just don't want to be lonely.
Can you think of something really fun? A pajama party with chick flicks, some local event, a craft to do, something noone knows how to do (bowling or skating), ???
Then start calling everyone you know. Lots will be busy, expect that. All you need is 1 or 2 or 3 people to do something with you - and have a ball! Or if everyone is busy try something you've never done before (horseback riding), and then rent a good movie (maybe with horses in it).
Make the effort to find someone to do something with. It can be your best friend, or someone you just barely know.
Gee, now why can't I take my own advice?
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 23:09:11
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 20:48:47
He is, for the most part, impotent.
He talked about my watching TV like the most slothful activity on earth. He of course, was much too good for that. If he watched television it had to be something really esoteric, so he could always manage to feel good and arrogant.
Once again, impotent.
And not willing to deal with it.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 23:21:04
In reply to Re: He emailed me back. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 21:56:39
Ok, will you come?
You're very optimistic-- 1,2 or 3 people? I'm lucky if I get to one! And even then I have to be up from morbidly depressed and conjure up enough energy to make it happen.
You're right, and I appreciate you telling me this more than I can say. It's exactly what I need to keep telling myself. I have to make it through this period so I can get strong.
I also have to face a lot of dependency issues. Very difficult for me. I have never been a full fledged grown up. I'm not good at this.
Things like trying to hang the damn tension curtain rod 57 times and not being able to make it work ,and feeling like a complete idiot with sores on her hands for doing it.
Things like that, and dinner, might be taken care of or at least paid for if I were with him. But that's about all. Really. That would be about all. Except for minimal physical contact, which I have to admit I miss so much it's tempting to go back for crumbs. The occasional hug. Surely I can find more than the occasional hug...? But in the meantime I have none. Things like leaning in together at the movies, I miss that. We did that at the beginning, and even sometimes near the end.
Wanna go bowling?
Posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 1:57:13
In reply to Re: He emailed me back. fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 23:21:04
I'd love to go bowling. I used to bowl a little in high school (big balls - not candlepin), but I'm not any good.
I actually did a sleepover once. We did a little craft while we talked, and watched a movie. When I invited people they were quite enthusiastic, but many had a conflict. Some went out of their way to say that if I did another one that they would love to be invited. Ended up 3 for overnight, and 3 others for the evening. I was planning a month in advance. I had a blast. (This was when I was working and feeling pretty good. Sounds like a lot of work now!)
I also try to line up people to take my dogs for a walk with me. It is free, good exercise, doesn't have to be scheduled at any particular time.
I know what to do, but do you think I do it? And I hate calling people. Email is easier. For my slumber party I did real invitations - many invitees were people I worked with.
Simple is great. 1 hour is long enough. Even just taking a walk at lunch with someone.
I think it is hard for me because I really don't want to do anything. My meds make me sweat like crazy, so many things are just not practical. Nothing is fun. The thought of expending energy is more than I can handle. I just want to sit home and read Babble. Sigh
Posted by kara lynne on August 8, 2003, at 2:00:28
In reply to Re: He emailed me back. fallsfall » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 1:57:13
"I think it is hard for me because I really don't want to do anything. My meds make me sweat like crazy, so many things are just not practical. Nothing is fun. The thought of expending energy is more than I can handle. I just want to sit home and read Babble. Sigh"
And here we are.
Bowling for Babbler's.
Posted by kara lynne on August 9, 2003, at 15:54:35
In reply to Re: He emailed me back. fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on August 8, 2003, at 2:00:28
...trying to back me into a corner. Saying he needed to know from me whether or not he should call again, or when. Somehow he twists everything around so it looks as if I'm doing the rejecting.
I emailed him back and said I didn't have any answers right now.
Posted by fallsfall on August 9, 2003, at 19:02:04
In reply to But then he left a *message*..., posted by kara lynne on August 9, 2003, at 15:54:35
Kara,
DO you want him to call you? Do you want to talk to him? Or do you want to move on with your life?
If you don't want to talk to him anymore then tell him that. It is OK if you are the one doing the rejecting. You would be taking care of yourself - that is a good thing.
He throws you into such a tizzy whenever he calls. That has to be really hard to deal with.
I had a therapist for 8 1/2 years. The sun rose and set on her. I lived (literally) to make her happy. I couldn't possibly imagine my life without her. Then some bad stuff happened and I left her and went to a new therapist. It was so hard to do that because I needed her SO much. But what I found was that I felt better when I stopped seeing her. I stopped being anxious all the time, I started to have more energy, I felt much better. I never would have expected that NOT seeing her would be good for me, but it was. The decision to leave was horrendous, but it was the right decision.
I know how hard it is to let go of something that you can't live without, but not only will you survive without it, you might thrive.
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