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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 33. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
Ex leaving "drive by" messages. Hostile, sarcastic, as if I'm the culprit for not being available for him when he decides to swoop in for the kill.
"It would be nice to see you someday." "Maybe we'll talk at some point again in our lives..." Stating his last name, and calling me by mine as if I wouldn't remember.
But he offers me nothing...really...does he...? What is he offering me? What is he saying? He's saying he'll be out of contact when he feels like it for days on end, having house-warming parties (in all his 'grief') and entertaining at his palace, and when all the guests go home he calls for a little coke and sympathy.
He says "what about that counseling thing..." and then doesn't follow through or call me for days----then he leaves messages as if I'm dissing him. They start out "Hey beautiful girl", and "Hi honey"...
Hi honey!!!! Can you beat this?!
Then slowly they dissolve into passive aggressive, non-committal character assaults; rife with blame and anger.
What's a girl to do?
I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm cursed. I moved into this 'sanctuary"...a beautiful area away from the hustle and bustle of the city, but close enough to commute. In an apartment with rent so reasonable it never goes on the market, just rents by word of mouth. And I thought I really got lucky this time, and I really deserved the break.
Then the reality. The noise, the stench, the weirdos next door...and the noise, and the stench, and then there's the constant noise....the cars never stop. They seem to go by day and night, no matter what time, and there are three schools nearby just waiting for September to be in session and that's when all the traffic *really* begins...
I woke up feeling like it was all a bad dream, after having real, bad dreams. Do you know when you're so weak from trauma and lack of good sleep that you just want to cry? That's how I feel. I just feel so weak. Why can't I curl up on someone's door step like a lost puppy and be taken care of? I won't eat a lot. I'll be quiet, I'll be good, just give me a nice soft bed and a quiet room and pet me every once in a while...
Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:29:34
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
Coke?
Why don't you show up on my door step?
Sebastian
Posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:37:10
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:29:34
I was worried about that--of course you know it's a lyric in a Rolling Stone's song...?
Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:41:18
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:37:10
I don't understand?
Posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:48:19
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:41:18
The Stone's song Lean On Me. There's a line in it about coming over when you need a little "coke and sympathy".
Sorry for being obtuse!
Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:49:29
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
So why is he such a butt hole?
Posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:55:47
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 18:49:29
Well *that* I cannot answer.
But thank you for your objectivity, that's exactly what I'm looking for. I think you have diagnosed him accurately.
Posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 21:19:45
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:55:47
Sorry I went to the gym!
So where are you going to find this somebody?
Posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:53:13
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
I think you know what to do about your Ex. Just keep remembering that you are the person who you need to take care of. You sound so much stronger than a couple of weeks ago.
The only ray of hope for the apartment is that you will probably become accustomed to the noise and eventually you won't hear it.
Now, when you find a doorstep where they are willing to take you in and pat you, let me know. I'm looking for that, too.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:05:30
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:53:13
Hi fallsfall,
Nice to hear from you.I keep trying to keep in mind that I do better when I don't speak to him. I emailed him and told him I needed some more time for myself right now, and that if he doesn't hear from me that's why. My therapist reminded me today that to be with him I have to give up me. Not a good deal.
So I'm trying to get through day at a time, with manageable steps. If I start thinking I can never see him or call him, and get strung out imagining him with another woman I don't do well. But I'm trying to take it a step further and imagine what life will be like for that woman---was it you that said I should send her a condolence card?
Oh boy. The problem is that damn 5am time. I wake up so vulnerable.
I will try to find us a nice doorstep, with good patters.
How are you doing? It really is nice to hear from you.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:07:44
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody..., posted by Sebastian on August 6, 2003, at 21:19:45
Anywhere I can.
But it's kind of difficult to meet anyone sitting dazed in my apartment, so tired I could weep.
Suggestions?
Posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 1:58:40
In reply to Help! I need somebody..., posted by kara lynne on August 6, 2003, at 18:17:42
Oh honey, that sounds so awful. It's time for self-protect mode. Can you just not listen to the phone messages from the ex?
Do you have a fan or something to try to mask out the noise til you can move somewhere quieter?
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 7:54:36
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:05:30
You need to stop imagining him at all. Try imagining you with another guy. Or you with a group of girlfriends having a sleepover and watching chick flicks.
Tabitha brings up a good point about the white noise. There was an earlier thread that talked about "white noise boxes".
Do something really nice for you today.
Posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... » kara lynne, posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 1:58:40
I used to have an ex who used to leave long
abusive messages on my phone machine....his voice
was like venom. Yet I was addicted to listening to
them for some sick reason. Even though after I listened
to them I felt bruised and battered inside. Finally, after
too long a period, if it was his voice on a message, I would
delete it before I listened to it. I felt so much better.
Luckily, I had a roomate at the time (who was also my friend)
and she would delete them for me sometimes too.I guess if there was one good thing about listening to the messages
it was that I was able to see just how abusive he was and it hurt me,
but it also, on some level, discusted me. One day it really hit me just
how pathetic it was that he felt the need to shower so much hatred on me.
It showed me just how small he felt inside. It sure didn't make me want
to be with him again, which was good.But every time I deleted the message without listening to it, I got a little
stronger. Sometimes the messages would come on the worst possible days. I'd had
a shitty day at work...I was tired and sad...I was doubting my lovability and my
ability to be in healthy relationships...and sure enough, I'd get home and there would
be a message from him in his venom laced voice and whatever he had to say would beam right
in like a laser on the very thing I was feeling insecure about. It was uncanny. One time
I was feeling particulary tired and sad and I was thinking 'how am I ever going to meet anyone...
I'm such a loser...I'm so awkward around men...blah blah blah'...the demons were off and running.
I come home and there's a message from him saying in this sickly sweet sarcastic mr. rogers voice
"Hey Ruth...you know how you feel so awkward around men....I think I know the reason why..." He
was about to go on and say who knows what...and I deleted it.Anyway...not sure what my point is. I guess that it helps a lot if you can somehow not listen to
the message, because it's pretty much like taking a punch in the gut. But the one good thing about
listening to the messages, at least for a little while, is you can see what a jerk they truly are and it
can reinforce you not wanting to be with them.
About noise...man can I relate to that. My neighborhood is _very_ noisy and it
drives me crazy. It just frays my nerves. I think some of us are more sensitive
to noises. It makes me anxious. I'm thinking of getting a white noise machine. I've
heard they're cheap. Maybe I'll get 5 of them.Hang in there--Roo
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 11:58:39
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody... Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 0:07:44
Why is your sleep bad? Maybe you should go out and look around?
Sebastian
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 12:06:29
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...Kara Lynne, posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
> I used to have an ex who used to leave long
> abusive messages on my phone machine....his voice
> was like venom. Yet I was addicted to listening to
> them for some sick reason. Even though after I listened
> to them I felt bruised and battered inside. Finally, after
> too long a period, if it was his voice on a message, I would
> delete it before I listened to it. I felt so much better.
> Luckily, I had a roomate at the time (who was also my friend)
> and she would delete them for me sometimes too.
>
> I guess if there was one good thing about listening to the messages
> it was that I was able to see just how abusive he was and it hurt me,
> but it also, on some level, discusted me. One day it really hit me just
> how pathetic it was that he felt the need to shower so much hatred on me.
> It showed me just how small he felt inside. It sure didn't make me want
> to be with him again, which was good.
>
> But every time I deleted the message without listening to it, I got a little
> stronger. Sometimes the messages would come on the worst possible days. I'd had
> a shitty day at work...I was tired and sad...I was doubting my lovability and my
> ability to be in healthy relationships...and sure enough, I'd get home and there would
> be a message from him in his venom laced voice and whatever he had to say would beam right
> in like a laser on the very thing I was feeling insecure about. It was uncanny. One time
> I was feeling particulary tired and sad and I was thinking 'how am I ever going to meet anyone...
> I'm such a loser...I'm so awkward around men...blah blah blah'...the demons were off and running.
> I come home and there's a message from him saying in this sickly sweet sarcastic mr. rogers voice
> "Hey Ruth...you know how you feel so awkward around men....I think I know the reason why..." He
> was about to go on and say who knows what...and I deleted it.
>
> Anyway...not sure what my point is. I guess that it helps a lot if you can somehow not listen to
> the message, because it's pretty much like taking a punch in the gut. But the one good thing about
> listening to the messages, at least for a little while, is you can see what a jerk they truly are and it
> can reinforce you not wanting to be with them.
>
>
> About noise...man can I relate to that. My neighborhood is _very_ noisy and it
> drives me crazy. It just frays my nerves. I think some of us are more sensitive
> to noises. It makes me anxious. I'm thinking of getting a white noise machine. I've
> heard they're cheap. Maybe I'll get 5 of them.
>
> Hang in there--RooOr maybe you should just go out and forget all about him! Hang out some where.
Sebastian
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:10:27
In reply to Re: Help! I need somebody...Kara Lynne, posted by ROO on August 7, 2003, at 9:11:27
Hi ROO,
Thanks for writing and telling me what you went through, even though I'm sorry you had to put up with it.What's disturbing is the level of abuse it takes before I recognize it, or draw the line. I played the last message for my therapist and she said it was mean, rude and insulting. And I was toying around with the idea that at least he was *trying*, or something like that. But after the session I was able to write the email telling him I needed some time to myself. And I'm no longer saving the messages (except in that case to play to her).
Yet strangely, I woke up this morning and felt sad that he hadn't called.
Hope I get over that soon.
I looked in one place for a white noise machine but they didn't carry them. As soon as I conjure up some energy (!) I'll look some more.
Thanks again.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:22:00
In reply to Re: Sounds like good advice...Kara Lynne » ROO, posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 12:06:29
Hello Sebastion,
Yes, good advice it is.I'm trying to do that hanging thing. Last night I was sooo tired I didn't want to do anything, but I went to dinner with a couple of friends. I even let them in my new apt. (total disarray) and they liked it. Of course when they saw it it was quiet as heaven, and they were laughing saying suuuure it's noisy around here...
I even gave my phone number to the guy we were with that I'm not attracted to (in *that* sort of way), but we've all hung out together as friends many times now and he's really nice. I moved close to where he lives and he said we should get coffee and I said ok. He's way younger than me and not particularly interested in having a relationship right now either, but at least we can hang out and have coffee.
So there you go. I'm trying to wash that other man right outta my hair.
Where do you hang out, Sebastion?
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 17:49:07
In reply to Hanging around Sebastion, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:22:00
Usualy at the gym, thats about it, wish I had more to do. I got sick of all my old friends as they were into the other kind of Coke.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 18:21:26
In reply to Re: Hanging around Sebastion, posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 17:49:07
called me his one and only love. Said he hopes I'm doing well.
God that makes me want to call him.
Especially as I'm planning on being very lonely this weekend. What does one do when one is lonely, and tired and depressed and not in a great position to go do anything pro-active about one's loneliness?
And one doesn't want to succomb to the crumbs that one's ex is throwing her?
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:44:59
In reply to He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 18:21:26
Why did you break it off? You make me want to call an ex because I'm so lonly and have nothing to do this weekend.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:44:59
No, don't say it! I hope you're only kidding...?
This is pretty fresh which makes it harder. I'm hoping the more time goes by the less I'll be inclined to call him on those lonely weekends. What I'm *really* hoping is that I'll be so busy with someone else the thought won't even occur...
Why did I break it off? That could take a long time to answer, but I'll try to spare you. In short, I was miserably unhappy being with him and there was a pretty hairy scene at the end, where he told me among other things that I was (sorry people who have heard this too much) a hideous woman who did not deserve love and would never find it.
And the impotence didn't help, nor did the drug addiction.
But aside from that, everything was fine.
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 20:48:47
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
Realy all I ever do is stay at home and watch TV. It gets boring, but on the other hand if I go out I get boring also, so I spare everyone and stay home. Doesn't sound like he's realy interested. Is he impotent?
Sebastian
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 21:56:39
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 19:31:21
Kara,
You can do this. You don't want him. You just don't want to be lonely.
Can you think of something really fun? A pajama party with chick flicks, some local event, a craft to do, something noone knows how to do (bowling or skating), ???
Then start calling everyone you know. Lots will be busy, expect that. All you need is 1 or 2 or 3 people to do something with you - and have a ball! Or if everyone is busy try something you've never done before (horseback riding), and then rent a good movie (maybe with horses in it).
Make the effort to find someone to do something with. It can be your best friend, or someone you just barely know.
Gee, now why can't I take my own advice?
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 23:09:11
In reply to Re: He emailed me back., posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 20:48:47
He is, for the most part, impotent.
He talked about my watching TV like the most slothful activity on earth. He of course, was much too good for that. If he watched television it had to be something really esoteric, so he could always manage to feel good and arrogant.
Once again, impotent.
And not willing to deal with it.
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