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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
As my parents would say, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Saturday was horrible, and I've tried to avoid posting for a while because I hate only being negative when I'm on the board.
I saw my pdoc on Friday night and he increased my lamictal, so it's only been a few days, but my mood is all over the place. I spent most of Saturday in bed crying, and finally just took some Geodon and went to sleep. I probably should have paged my pdoc, but I hate disturbing him. I figured he would have just told me to take a Geodon anyway. He told me Friday night to use them as necessary.
Sunday was a bit better and yesterday was okay, but today I've already been crying at my desk (thank goodness my office hasn't been moved yet) and I have a splitting headache but can't even take a nap because it hurts more when I lay my head down. I'm not getting anything done and I need to go to lunch soon but I'm feeling a bit sick, so not sure that is a good idea. Am supposed to donate blood today, but at the moment, I'm not sure I'm feeling up to it. I'm also going to volunteer this evening at the blood drive here on campus, but if my head doesn't stop hurting, I'm not sure what I'll do.
Regardless, I really am feeling down. On Saturday the thought occured to me that one reason I'm still here is because of people (my family and friends) telling me that suicide is selfish and they don't want me to do something stupid, etc. etc. So, I feel guilty for even thinking about suicide, especially with my grandfather's death, but then I started thinking about how responsible I feel for everyone in my life and how I'm just plain tired of it. I really really am. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Life goes on around me and I sit here in misery because I don't want to be selfish. I'm tired of it!!! For once I would like to make a decision without thinking about how it will affect other people. Yes, that's selfish, and I suppose any life altering decision I make will affect others, but I just feel this burden on my shoulders that is getting to be too much to bear.
I told my therapist this yesterday and she said two things: that whatever keeps me here is a good thing, but that I shouldn't feel that responsibility for others' happiness because if I were gone, they would pick up the pieces and carry on. I don't think she intended at all for me to take that as I have, and I need to talk to her about it. I do worry that if I did take my life, it would kill my grandmother, but as for everyone else, she's right, they would pick up the pieces and carry on. I don't want to cause anyone pain, but I just don't know how much longer I can tolerate this illness. I feel so completely and utterly hopeless. Everyone keeps trying to remind me that "this is only temporary" and "there will be better treatments in the future" but my brain refuses to comprehend. I can't help but think that this will just rear it's ugly head again and again and again, and, as I told my old therapist, eventually I will hit absolute rock bottom in the Pit and see no other way out.
I really don't want to die...I just don't want to hurt anymore. Especially when I can't really figure out why I hurt so much.
I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.
And I'm afraid that if things don't change soon, it will do me in.
Wish I had a Geodon. At least then I could sleep.
P
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 10:32:03
In reply to Whining - sorry in advance, posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
I'm so sorry you hurt, Penny. :(
Posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2003, at 12:07:47
In reply to Whining - sorry in advance, posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
Sometimes you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself.
I know what you mean about not posting when you are negative, but that is when you need us the most. I hate to have you miss the support when you really need it.
Did your pdoc say that your moods would be variable with the Lamictil? He told you to take the Geodon as needed - that sounds like what you did. That's good.
This may not be your day for the blood drive. Particularly for giving blood - that can make you weak and feel yucky. You need to be good to yourself. If helping with the drive would make you feel better than going home, then it is a good idea.
I think that you can't stay alive for other people. You need to live for you. It may still take a little while to figure out what you are living for, but please keep looking. I understand the hopeless feeling - there was a time when I couldn't think of anything that could change that would make me feel better. I would never (in a million years) think that leaving the therapist who I adored would make me feel better. I would have guessed anything but that. So even though you don't see how things might be different, things that you might never expect could happen. I think I have to qualify "You can't live for other people". At the bottom of my bottom, I decided that I didn't want to live, but I decided that I had to wait 3 years until my youngest was out of high school. Her siblings had me around through high school and I thought it wouldn't be fair to deprive her. I think the better argument is that unexpected things can happen that can change everything.
If you don't want to die, then don't. If the problem is that you hurt then you need to figure out how to stop hurting. I wish I had a magic solution for you.
(((((Penny)))))
Posted by whiterabbit on July 22, 2003, at 12:42:25
In reply to Re: Whining - No sorry needed » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2003, at 12:07:47
Call your pdoc and ask to be admitted to the hospital. There's no reason to keep struggling like you are, please give in. Go to the hospital, check in, and hand over all the responsibilities to them for awhile. Let them take care of you. They can help you. If you don't like it there, you can check yourself out, go home, get on the computer and call me every vile thing that you want to, but I bet you won't. As long as your doctor recommends a good hospital with a reputable program, you'll find help there. Please think about it.
(((Penny)))
-Gracie
Posted by Tabitha on July 22, 2003, at 15:13:45
In reply to Whining - sorry in advance, posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
Penny, try not to worry about being 'too negative' here, this is as safe a place as any to vent. Nobody has to read if they don't want to.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Did anything trigger it?
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:14:03
In reply to Re: Whining - sorry in advance » Penny, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 10:32:03
Thank you, Dinah. Thanks for being here for me.
P
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:15:29
In reply to Re: Whining - No sorry needed » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2003, at 12:07:47
Thanks, fallsfall.
It continues to be a long road, and I guess what still keeps me going is my grandmother and my two dogs, above all else. I do wish I could find a way to stop hurting, and I haven't lost all hope, at least not at this moment, but I'm always wondering when the demon will get the best of me.
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:18:19
In reply to Penny - pleeeeeeeease..., posted by whiterabbit on July 22, 2003, at 12:42:25
I know I should, but I keep thinking (and YES I know this isn't logical!!!) that there are so many responsibilities and what would happen if I wasn't here to do them??? If I was never returning, that would be a different story, but going into the hospital and then having to return to what I escaped from for a little while is almost too much to bear.
On the other hand, I am going to call my pdoc's office right now, and my therapist, and see what they say. I guess the frustration is that *right now* in this very moment, I'm okay. But that could all change with the drop of a hat.
Thanks Gracie.
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:21:43
In reply to Re: Whining - sorry in advance » Penny, posted by Tabitha on July 22, 2003, at 15:13:45
> Penny, try not to worry about being 'too negative' here, this is as safe a place as any to vent. Nobody has to read if they don't want to.
>
> I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Did anything trigger it?
Sometimes little things, seemingly meanless things, will send me into a tailspin, diving for the bottom of the Pit. This time - my roommate's social life is improving while mine is not, and I'm just jealous and frustrated and feeling sorry for myself and don't see how anything is going to get any better. It hasn't *really* improved yet in my 26 years, why would it start now? Okay, again, not a logical thought (well, sort of not logical), but I truly feel like a lonely lost soul and don't see that I am doing anything purposeful on this earth above donating a pint of blood every now and again. And I hate that.P
Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 14:32:21
In reply to Whining - sorry in advance, posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
I just got off the phone with my pdoc and he said I can always go to the hospital, if I'm feeling like hurting myself, but that they rarely admit patients unless self-harm is imminent, at any of the hospitals here. I told him that right this minute, as I am at work, I'm okay, but that I don't know about tonight, and he said that if I start planning to do something then I should go to the hospital.
Anyway, I've moved my appointment with him up to noon tomorrow, instead of Friday evening, and then I have therapy tomorrow evening, and I have WW tonight, so that's something to do, and then I think I will go home and take some Geodon and go to bed. At least when I am asleep I can forget about things.
I will talk to him more tomorrow about my options. I just hate to go somewhere where they're going to mess with my medication when I don't really trust any other docs to do that except for mine. He knows me, they don't. And I've had such bad experiences with psychiatrists. I guess the stability and support would be good, but the doctors wouldn't be. I just don't trust them.
But, if I need to go, I will I guess. Right now I'm shaking and panicky and feeling very funny. But, I am at work and I have things to keep me busy until 5, and then I will go home and go to WW and then, like I said, go to bed.
Ugh. I feel sick.
Posted by fallsfall on July 23, 2003, at 15:17:42
In reply to Re: talked to my doc, posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 14:32:21
I'm glad you could move your appointment up. Please make sure that if you need to go to the hospital that you do so before you do something drastic. I always think that being a little conservative is a good thing.
(((((Penny)))))
Posted by whiterabbit on July 24, 2003, at 14:05:52
In reply to Re: talked to my doc, posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 14:32:21
Penny-
Don't worry about your reponsibilities right now-your first responsibility should be to your well-being. If you don't take care of yourself FIRST,
nobody else will take care of you first. Please think about that:NOBODY ELSE will take care of you first, so you have to do it. Please take care of yourself.
I don't agree with your doctor that self-harm shorld be "imminent" before hospitalization. What's the point of waiting until you're on the very edge of self-destruction, to see how much more pain you can bear before you crack? I've had psychiatric in-patient care and believe me, you feel just as bad as a lot of the other patients I met, maybe worse. I think when you've been suffering from serious depression for awhile, and nothing is helping, and you're finding it more difficult to cope every day, it's time to go. Time to check in...don't be an idiot like me and wait until you crash and burn in a spectacular way right in front of everybody...then you can add feeling ashamed to all the other lousy feelings.
By the way, they didn't change my psychiatric meds while I was an in-patient (although they did change my blood pressure medicine). They know better than that, they can't just stop giving you a medication that you've been taking for some time - that would only traumatize you further. They were careful to give me the same medication
that I had been taking, along with something to calm me down or help me sleep if I asked for it.
So try not to worry about that part.I hope you decide to go.
-Gracie
This is the end of the thread.
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