![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kalyb on June 20, 2003, at 16:25:03
Landlady = bitch on wheels.
"Would you like to make some rice salad to go with dinner?" she asks. More of an order than a request.
"Okay" I say after a moment's hesitation. She rightly guesses that my hesitation is because I know I can't cook rice. I can't, even after extensive travels in Asia and years of practice."Look, Kalyb," she says irritably, "Rice is DEAD easy. Just put some in a saucepan, put enough water in to just cover it, and boil it. Stir it a lot. That's ALL you need to do." Her condescension knows no bounds.
"Right, then!" I say brightly, thinking: ok, I'll just do it her way. I love rice but I have to severely force down stodgy badly cooked rice (the kind I always end up making). I hate bad rice. Thing is, landlady's rice is always that kind....
I go into the kitchen and get some rice out of the cupboard. I spot a small bag of easy-cook Rice, which I bought myself, thinking I might get some better rice out of it someday. Following her instructions I put some in a saucepan and start to add water. Then I decide to wash it a few times first, since I know that usually helps to stop stodginess.
She walks into the kitchen. "Do you think this is going to be enough?" I ask, showing her the saucepan with water drained off.
"I don't know why you're doing it that way!" she says crossly, pushing past me, pulling the pan out of my hands and dumping the rice into a sieve. She then fills the saucepan with water and sets it on to boil. She looks at the sieve of rice. "No. That probably isn't going to be enough."
"Okay, I'll add some more then," I say levelly, adding another handful. "Enough now?"
"Probably." she says, without loooking.
"I might as well do the whole packet then," I say, as there was less than a handful left. "It was only a small packet and there's hardly any left."
"Oh do it then. But there will probably be too much, and it will get wasted. As usual." She looks at the package I'm holding. "That's pudding rice!"
"No it''s not," I say calmly. "It's easy-cook rice. The packet I bought last week, if you remember?"
"Oh." She goes out of the kitchen.While waiting for the rice to boil, I look in the fridge for ingredients to add to the rice salad. I start cutting up some celery, a bit of red and yellow bell pepper, and grate a raw carrot.
Enter landlady.
"Oh." she says, peering at my efforts.
"What?" say I.
"Nothing."
I carry on.
"That's not how I would have done it, but never mind," she says, going out again.Ten seconds later she waltzes back in. "PROPER rice salad has peas and beans in it."
"Does it? Well, we can just have this as side salad, and I'll put peas and beans in with the rice."
"No, no - don't bother!"
I carry on chopping.
"It doesn't matter because I won't be eating any of it anyway."
Waltz out.I stare at my knife for a few seconds.
What's got up her skirt? I wonder. Ah.... I know.... it's her partner's day off and he wants to fire up the barbecue tonight. She hates barbecues, and furthermore is a vegetarian. He wants to do his own thing, and I'll be sharing because I like barbecues and eat meat.No point in me asking nicely if I can cook her anything. I'll get my head bitten off.
Barbecue's over now. I cooked and ate with her partner a bit and had a chat outside over a beer. Started packing up to come inside when she sweeps out. "Leave that!" she barks at me, as I put some things back in the fridge.
I say nothing, and I "leave that" to come up here to my room to get online in my own space. They're having an argument and slamming doors down there. I daren't go down. This is just unbelieveable. I can't please her no matter how I try. I'm 40 years old and this is like living with my parents!!
Kalyb xx
(fed up)
Posted by whiterabbit on June 20, 2003, at 17:51:20
In reply to Wanted: Licence to Kill., posted by kalyb on June 20, 2003, at 16:25:03
You should have told me, I would have warned you.
1.)Don't you have Minute Rice over there? It's hard to screw up Minute Rice.
2.)You need to get out of there. You don't need that crap.
-Gracie
Posted by slinky on June 20, 2003, at 19:06:50
In reply to Kaly I didn't know you lived with my mother!, posted by whiterabbit on June 20, 2003, at 17:51:20
Nasty, never share a kitchen/bathroom especially landlady's..I've had a few horrid ones too.
Also sounds like my mother.
Living alone is the way..hard in UK but can be done.
I think I would of lost my cool with her, or insulted her in passive ways.
Posted by noa on June 20, 2003, at 20:18:19
In reply to Re: Kaly I didn't know you lived with my mother!, posted by slinky on June 20, 2003, at 19:06:50
They beat me to it--I was going to say it sounds more like a mother than a landlady.
Yikes.
What is your living situation?
Posted by kalyb on June 22, 2003, at 12:19:35
In reply to Re: Kaly I didn't know you lived with my mother!, posted by noa on June 20, 2003, at 20:18:19
“When you’ve woken up, we need to have a serious talk. How do you think you’re affecting us?” Actually, I’m not sure so I shrug. I know I’m affecting them, I’m trying not to, but it’s not working. And they’re affecting me and my day to day mood too, but I know I can’t say anything about that. I also think it’s a little unfair of her to get me to start on this in this way.So she continues. It would seem I am affecting her family (her, her partner and their baby). She can’t go out and enjoy herself because she finds herself talking about me all the time, because I’m upsetting her so much. I affect the way she mothers her baby. I affect her partner and the way she and he interact. In fact I seem to affect everything.
I acknowledge I am affecting things and wish I wasn’t, I tell her about my guilt about this and how I am trying to do something about it. She brings up all kinds of things about my personality that she finds maddening. She says that I can’t hold a normal conversation without putting people down. I always have to input something, like I know someone else who did that, or I did that or someone did that better, or add a lot of unnecessary information which sometimes takes all the pleasure out of it for the listeners.
She also feels that I use people, and that I am using her and her partner and have been since I moved in. She invited me into her home and did not expect this. She provides me with free food, free electricity, free washing powder. I wouldn't eat so well and wouldn't get a cooked meal every day if I wasn't living here. (I would and do - I love cooking and have always eaten well, it's one of my bottom line pleasures). Her perception is that I use everyone and always have done throughout my life, citing several examples.
The crux of the matter is that she was going to tell me to pack my bags and leave today. I am not sure why she didn’t, although I would argue that I have some rights as I am paying her rent. We talked a little bit about my depression, which she feels I use as a crutch to excuse my behaviour. I start to try and tell her that my problems are probably a lot greater than mere depression but she stops me, saying there I go again, making excuses. At this point I really do not know what else to say.
A lot of other things were said but as usual, my anxiety means that I can’t remember most of it, which is about normal for me. Oh, on the subject of normal, she says I am perfectly normal. Personally, I can’t see how she can think that when she’s just sat there telling me how abnormal I am, but there you go. It only needs someone to talk to me like this to make me realise the absence of feelings and thoughts and interactions with other people I have, just aren’t normal.
The conversation (or rather, she) calms down a bit. When it has, I try tentatively to talk about how she makes me feel. At the mention that I find her criticism “does my head in” she flies into a rage, saying how dare I, when I make her feel that way too. She tells me that was a rude and ungrateful thing to say. She demands I give her examples and tell her exactly what I mean by what I said. I stand firm, apologise if it was rude, and say that I try very hard to do things right and please her but feel that I get criticism from her and get things wrong all the time. The answer to that is that certain things are done certain ways in HER house and I don’t listen and don’t follow instructions, and she finds herself telling me over and over again how or what to do. I apologise again and say that my memory is not good for some things. She then tells me that apparently I went on and on about something not long ago about how good I was at remembering certain things and she just wanted to laugh, and it drove her crazy listening to it. But did she take on board what I said about my memory not being good? I’m not sure.
There is a lot I wanted to say but brain fog and inarticulacy, fear of being misunderstood and fear of just getting it wrong or it coming out the wrong way prevent me. She jumps on every little thing. As well as fear of upsetting her even more. I know that this situation cannot be worked out in the long term, I have known it since I moved in, but I hoped.
At one point she asked me what I wanted out of life. I did try to explain to her how just getting through each day and surviving was so difficult for me that that’s all I can do most of the time. That is my life’s achievement. I don’t know if this sunk in or not. But I tried to explain how many times I feel I can’t even do that and everyone around me would be better off if I wasn’t here, or dead, and that would end the pain and difficulty for me as well. Therefore, just surviving is often the best I can do.
A little later I asked her if she would give me a month’s written notice to quit, because that would help me find alternative housing with the Council. It would put me higher up their list of urgency. I say that it can be rescinded if necessary, but it would help. She is reluctant to do this and doesn’t say why. I tell her I have forms to apply for council housing, and I am waiting for my p-doc to write a reference which will put me as more urgent on the list. She does not believe I have the forms and demands to see them. I refuse, because she really ought to take my word for it, but she insists because apparently I have lied to her about other things before. (I’m not certain I did, actually - it seems to me sometimes that her take on things is her - and therefore THE ONLY - truth, and she will fight that belief to the death). Anyway I show her the forms, but of course, if I feel hurt or angry about having to do this, then I can’t reveal it. She knows the council waiting list is about 2 years. And if I am referred by my pdoc, plus if she also gives me notice, I will be classed as “urgent.”
“Do you think you are urgent?” she asks. I can’t help thinking she’s asking me if I feel I deserve to be housed at all! “If I am homeless, I would be, yes.” I reply. “But you aren’t homeless,” she says. “I would be if I had to leave here” I reply, “because I have nowhere else to go.”
I feel like screaming at her, FOR $%&%’S SAKE, I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. I AM NOT NORMAL! I DO NOT THINK, ACT AND FEEL LIKE OTHER PEOPLE DO! LIKE YOU DO, OR YOU WANT ME TO! CAN’T YOU GET THAT INTO YOURTHICK, IGNORANT, STUPID HEAD AND ACCEPT IT? AND ACCEPT ME? I AM A NUT! I AM A LOONY! I AM A MENTAL CASE! I AM BRAIN DAMAGED! I AM INCAPABLE OF BEHAVING LIKE OTHER PEOPLE!!! but I won’t, and I can’t because I have brain fog and don’t have the confidence or bravery, or the thick skin to withstand the inevitable fallout.
The bottom line is, I think, that I am not normal, I am not like other people. There’s always been something missing there, and she’s picked up on it but is continually making me feel bad. I don’t know what my disorder/s is/are, they don’t like to give diagnoses here, but if I knew I was Borderline or Bipolar or whatever, I could understand that’s WHY I am like I am, and maybe other people could understand it too, that I am entirely normal for whatever damaged condition I have.
I know this is not working. I was afraid it wouldn’t. All she said about not enjoying herself because of thinking about this situation and being affected by me, is precisely how I have felt for a year about her, and living here. That came as a shock to hear really, when I've lived like that every day for 12 months myself. I don’t know how to get out. I want to crawl away somewhere and sleep and not have this problem any more. I’ll have other problems instead, I am sure, but I’ve exhausted this one. I’m exhausted. A cardboard box in a shop doorway looks attractive. Oh God, help me.
Kalyb
Posted by noa on June 22, 2003, at 12:54:06
In reply to Very long rant. Sorry., posted by kalyb on June 22, 2003, at 12:19:35
She is way too enmeshed into your business. She is saying she doesn't want you there. You are saying you have a possible solution--to get council housing. It would help if she writes you an eviction notice. Then she starts criticizing you for availing yourself of the council housing because she thinks you aren't worthy?
Geez!!!
I think you should calmly tell her that in order to solve the current situation, you and she need to deal with it on a non-emotional level.
DON'T open up your insides to her anymore. She is not going to understand. She seems to use what you tell her against you.
Just deal with the concrete with her, very business like.
It is a shame because it seems she and you were once friends in a way that felt good. But now, the relationship seems toxic.
But I think you and she need to limit the discussions to the bare minimum and very business like. She doesn't want you there anymore. You don't want to be there anymore. What is a realistic timeline to find something else. Can she provide the documentation for elegibility for council housing. Etc. Etc.
I am so sorry Kaly as I think this must be making everything so much harder.
Posted by Dinah on June 22, 2003, at 18:05:42
In reply to Very long rant. Sorry., posted by kalyb on June 22, 2003, at 12:19:35
Kalyb, that situation is toxic for you. I'm glad you're trying to get away. You're letting her opinion of you color your opinion of yourself. Noa is right, keep it businesslike, try to get the eviction notice, and get out. Other than getting the documentation you need, don't try with her any more.
By the way, I do understand the wish for a label. Something to help you organize your own experiences better. But whatever the label is, I hope you try to be a bit gentler with yourself. You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation. You don't need yourself berating you too.
Take care,
Dinah
Posted by whiterabbit on June 22, 2003, at 22:23:22
In reply to Re: Very long rant. Sorry., posted by noa on June 22, 2003, at 12:54:06
For the sake of your mental health. As long as you continue to live in that pressure-cooker atmosphere, your stress level will keep rising and eventually something will have to give, maybe your sanity. Been there! Don't let her do that to you, just who the hell does this person think she is? Right now you're not thinking clearly - depression distorts your self-image and clouds normal thought processes. Again, I'm not going by a popular theory and I didn't read that in a book.
I've lived that and I'm paying for it now. For years I've been trying to please a shallow, self-centered, resentful, ungreatful husband. Nothing I did was ever right or good enough, no matter how much time, effort or money I had devoted to finally "getting it right". He picked apart everything I did, belittled my accomplishments, criticized and complained, complained, complained. And I believed him! I needed to do better, I needed to try harder, I had to change.
I wasn't good enough.Well guess what? It wasn't me, it was never me. I'm not saying that I didn't have serious problems myself, what a lie that would be. But I'm convinced that nobody on earth will make this man happy, ever. He's found himself someone else to have sex with so he's kicking me to the curb after 20 years and finally, thank you God, my eyes have been opened and I can see, devil get out...SHE'S WELCOME TO HAVE THE MISERABLE BASTARD.
(I apologize Dr. Bob, but if you knew the guy like I do you would think to yourself, "He certainly IS a miserable bastard, in fact I believe that the term 'miserable bastard' hardly starts to cover it...")Anyway are you getting my point here. If you could read your posts like we in cyberland read them, KALY, from a much more objective point of view and not from inside your fishbowl, you would know that your landlady has stepped way, WAY past
all acceptable boundries of privacy and decency.
"Friendship" is not an excuse because this person is not your friend, I can tell you that right now. You need to remove yourself from that environment or you'll continue to go downhill. I know that you're thinking, "I'll move as soon as I can get myself together, when I feel better and stronger" but the problem is, you have to move FIRST and then, once you're away from that damaging radioactive environment with all the tension and pain and stress, THEN you can start the process of healing...even if you think right now, "What's the use, I'll never feel better no matter where I'm living, I can't run from myself and my problems and the next place might be even worse"...you are trying to be realistic and it's true, you can't run away from yourself and by now almost everybody knows THAT much, it's hardly earth-shaking news. But here's something I'm just now learning myself, a simple and basic truth that good teachers and parents and fishers of men have known instinctively since the beginning of time:The psyche is similar to a plant that grows in accordance to its genetic traits and environment.
These two factors produce both plants and humans
in countless variations. A healthy plant genetically coded to produce breath-taking flowers and foliage will begin to curl up, wither and brown without proper nurturing. The more a plant must struggle to survive in alien soil
without adequate light, water and care, the less
chance it has to grow lush and blossom into its full potential.Lets stop right here for an example. I'm no longer concerned about my husband's opinion and
what he thinks of my writing here on Psycho-Babble. He would read my posts and get very angry and disgusted with me, he pictured himself as some sort of martyr and saint for tolerating my craziness over the last few years and it's true,
I was quite mad for awhile there. My stupid, dangerous, destructive behavior would sometimes spill right over into outright psychosis. Mentally, I was extremely ill but intelligent enough to cover it up with a somewhat acceptable facade at work, and I held out as long as I could with this ace while the rest of my cards disappeared.In the meantime, my loving husband would critique
and complain and criticize and reject everything I did. He accused me of washing his uniforms with
blue jeans and other inappropriate clothing although I had not. He complained bitterly about the way I hung up his blue jeans, giving them what he called the "clown fold" and sputtering that he would just have to do his own laundry because I was too stupid to get it right even though he had told me OVER and OVER exactly how he preferred his blue jeans to be folded on the hanger. I could spend two hours slicing, dicing, marinating and frying for a regular meal, no special occasion, and his only comment would be that the vegetables were undercooked. And here's the really sad, pathetic part; while I was at home trying to fold clothes and cook vegetables in the correct manner to please him, he was out with his friends complaining about his tortured
homelife and vile marriage.It seems like a lot of wasted time and pain and emotion but maybe not, maybe not. Think about those beautiful and delicate flowering plants that have been nurtured into hothouse splendor with daily care. The first time that the power goes out in winter and the temperature drops to freezing, them plants are dead overnight. The rest of us, the tough daisies, we can't even figure out why those flowers are dead because hell, we barely felt a thing.
I hope Ken doesn't read any of this because maybe he's still thinking I'm as crazy and stupid as he
must believe with all his lies. Crazy like a fox, damn skip. I've recovered from the shock of being served with divorce papers to end our 20-year relationship, dissolve the marriage vows he never cared about anyway, and separate our property in a legal manner. To that I say:Let the games begin.
If I can do this, Kaly, you can detach yourself from the landlady and start again.
-Gracie
Posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 8:56:02
In reply to You HAVE to get out of there, posted by whiterabbit on June 22, 2003, at 22:23:22
Thanks to everyone for responding. Yes, I NEED to get out of there but there are several large obstacles in my way. I am not being negative, here they are, make your own minds up:
1. I am on disability benefits. There is enormous prejudice against anyone in this country on benefits of any kind. Every newspaper or other advertisement offering rooms/apartments to let states clearly: NO DSS. (Meaning nobody on benefits). I have looked extensively and it’s the same everywhere. Housing advisors I have consulted agree that this is universal and I really do not have much chance of renting in the private sector.
2. If I *could* find anywhere that allows DSS, there would be a large deposit and rent in advance payable. It’s usually 1 month + 1 month in advance. This would be in the region of £600-£800 ($1,000 - $1,300). I have no money, cannot borrow any and have no relatives or friends who can help me out.
£. I do not wish to live in shared housing again. I am 40 years of age, and have spent a total of 13 years now living in shared housing, with the result that in most cases, other people have exacerbated my problems. The 5 years I lived alone I achieved self-acceptance to a reasonable degree, even if I did end up making a mess of it and being evicted.
6. I purse a hobby through which I met this landlady. She allows me to carry on with it here but if I moved out I would probably have to give it up. Almost certainly in fact. This is my last pleasure, and have worked hard on this for 28 years. I am an acknowledged international expert. To a large degree it defines who I am, and to have to give it up would be extremely painful. I have already had to endure losses connected to it in order to live here. And many many acquaintances I made through this hobby are also friends of the landlady. Not only do I tend to withdraw from people when in my bleakest periods, but I know for a fact she has been talking to them about me behind my back (this is not paranoia, I know it). And as a result they have withdrawn from me and never contact me any more. And knowing she talks to them about me means I am far to embarrassed now to make the first move. Some of them think she is a saint for putting up with me. If I ever told them the truth it would go straight back to her, and nobody would believe me.
7. My only housing option is to try the Council. But the waiting list is 2 years, which can be helped by letters from pdoc etc. It still means I will have a wait of around 6 months or more. If I was put into emergency accommodation this would mean a homeless hostel or “bed & breakfast” but there are even waiting lists for these!! In many cases I would be sharing facilities with alcoholics, drug abusers and people with far more serious problems than mine, potentially violent.
So I am stuck here.
Yes she knows far too much about my business, and from something she said yesterday I think she has been going through my mail.
Also, a question: what defines the role of a “carer”?
“I didn’t anticipate becoming your carer!” she said yesterday (she lifted the term from a booklet about depression I left lying around). As far as I know, she isn’t doing anything much in that role, except what she has CHOSEN to do - i.e. her constant criticisms and “ways that I can change” = all unasked for. Whoever said she takes things I tell her and twists them around was right. She took a lot out of that booklet that applied to her, especially the “effects on others” part, and seemingly none of the rest, which included such advice as not to criticize depressed persons as they are already overwhelmed with guilt and beating themselves up, and to offer praise instead.Things she does for me that might include “caring” in a carer role are clothes washing, which she did from the start on occasions when she needed to make up a full load, and doesn’t do very often now the baby’s arrived, and maybe cooking, although I did all the cooking every night last week. She does very little else for me except nag, which I would rather she didn’t anyway!! I kept an activity diary last week and realized that I spent a minimum of 16 hours “working” for her around the house and garden. And yet yesterday I was told I wasn’t doing enough. The minimum wage in this country is £3.40 an hour (it might even have gone up to £3.60) = $5.65 - $5.92. At £3.40 per hour, I did £54 worth of work for her, which is almost as much as my rent! Do you think I’m earning my keep???? All that free food, electricity and washing powder she mentioned yesterday....!!! Add that to the £48 ($79) per week she gets from the benefits agency for my rent.... plus the £12 ($19) I have to pay out of my allowance to make the rent up to the £60 ($99) she asks (this is usual - benefits never pay the full amount, that £12 is supposed to cover the bills like electricity, etc). Sheesh!!! And I am “USING” her and her partner? Good Lord! Good sweet heaven above.
Blah.
You know, I might send a copy of all this in with my Council application!! My pdoc said he didn’t want to read stuff like this and I have no therapist yet to talk this over with. So I am sorry once again guys, you are literally all I have right now... and I much appreciate it.
Kalyb xx
Posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 8:58:12
In reply to You HAVE to get out of there, posted by whiterabbit on June 22, 2003, at 22:23:22
Posted by monkeypaw on June 23, 2003, at 9:16:47
In reply to You HAVE to get out of there, posted by whiterabbit on June 22, 2003, at 22:23:22
I just read and reread your post and debated as to whether or not I should respond. I TRIED not to, but my ADD has taken over. I feel for you and your situation with your husband. But with much respect I feel a strong need to respond to you. You have the support of everyone on this board. You give wonderful advise. Your talents are amazing and I must add that I have so much respect for you. So please I mean no disrespect for what I am about to say. Please forgive me if I offend you in anyway. I don't post here often but I do read the post on a daily basis. I get quite alot of insight from the post. For months now you have been posting little bits and piece of your home situation. You have a husband who doesn't love you anymore. I have to say, that I bet he still cares. Having an illness is hard on everyone. Here comes my point to all of this. You tell people to be strong, they deserve better, get out of there for your own sanity. I agree and I fully believe that you need to reread your post and follow your own advise. Get the h#@# out of your life. You have said you don't want the house, you have said you do. How are you gonna pay for it. You continue to take abuse from this man, yet I see you not doing anything about it. You continue to "go to Your room" and shut it out.
I wonder who is more miserable you or him. You say that you are doing better than you ever have. So get on with your life. Stop the going back and forth. Take half of everything and get out of there so you can be happy. I doubt that it bothers the B@#$%*d that you are still there. So who are you torturing? Yourself. Be well Gracie, give your life what it deserves. You deserve to be happy and I believe you should take your own advise and get out of there as soon as you can. Even if you have to stay with a friend. Get out for heaven sake. Sorry again if I offended you in anyway, I just hate to see or hear of someone who is in as much pain as you are. Even though you say your fine, are you?
Posted by fallsfall on June 23, 2003, at 9:33:54
In reply to You HAVE to get out of there, posted by whiterabbit on June 22, 2003, at 22:23:22
You go girl.
Gracie, you are on your way to success. Enjoy it.
Kalyb, you, too, can move on. I second what Gracie said: when I got out of the bad environment I started to feel better. You need to get out first. Good luck
Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2003, at 9:34:29
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 8:56:02
I'm sorry, Kalyb. And I know it isn't as easy as we make it sound. It's just that it's so clear that living with her is a major contributor to your difficulties.
But I understand the reluctance to leave too. I have a job that is bad for me, and a million reasons not to leave it. I probably never will. The devil we don't know seems more scary than the one we do.
One final thought. Have you tried the charities and churches? There are many initiatives where I am to help people to find the initial deposit and utility deposits. The idea is that this is a worthwhile investment to keep someone in a living situation. I know that many of them concentrate on children, but perhaps there are some that help women as well. Can you contact your national mental health agency for suggestions of additional resources, nonpublic ones?
Posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 10:58:45
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » kalyb, posted by Dinah on June 23, 2003, at 9:34:29
> But I understand the reluctance to leave too...
Yikes! Dinah, I hope I didn't give that impression... I'd leave tomorrow if I had somewhere to go!!!!
But I simply don't...
> One final thought. Have you tried the charities and churches?
I've just spent almost the whole afternoon on the phone, calling just about anyone and anywhere I thought could help.
The Council told me my only option is to apply for the housing list, and even a letter from my pdoc might not reduce my waiting time to under 2 years.
I called the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) and some kind lady poured through all the charities that might help. She found one that helps people up to age 30 (I'm 40) and one for the relatives of ex-servicemen. (No ex servicemen in my family). Other than that, she said, "Apply to the Council. That's all there is."
I called the Benefits office to ask if the "work" I'm doing might be an infringement of the benefit laws. Housework isn't. I ended up telling the girl my story, and she said "Apply to the Council. There's nothing else you can do."
I called my Pdoc's office and spoke to a duty officer. She will chase up my pdoc's reference to send to the council. Because: "That's all that's available, unfortunately."
AAAAAAARGH!!!!
No wonder this country has a homeless problem that's spiralling out of control.
My cardboard box is waiting. And that's no joke.
Kalyb xx
Posted by slinky on June 23, 2003, at 11:15:30
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 8:56:02
Kalyb..please excuse me cause I can't read long threads properly-can't concentrate.
If you live around the London area/edge of, I may be able to help.
Benefit/deposit - you will get help for this...you don't even have to fill in any forms!
The council uses this scheme that helped me find a flat.
Let me know here and I'll put my e mail.
Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2003, at 11:22:02
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 10:58:45
I'm sorry, Kaly. Reluctance wasn't the word I really wanted to use, but I can't locate it right now.
I'm glad you're actively trying to get out, but I am so sorry that there seem to be so little options where you live. It seems like such an excellent social return on a small investment to help people avoid homelessness. And as long as you are in this bind you must feel helpless in the face of her bullying. Feeling helpless is as demoralizing as being bullied.
I wish you all the best in finding another housing arrangement.
Posted by slinky on June 23, 2003, at 11:38:12
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » kalyb, posted by slinky on June 23, 2003, at 11:15:30
It's nothing dodgy..they work for council..
Posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 15:53:41
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » kalyb, posted by slinky on June 23, 2003, at 11:15:30
> Kalyb..please excuse me cause I can't read long threads properly-can't concentrate.
> If you live around the London area/edge of, I may be able to help.
> Benefit/deposit - you will get help for this...you don't even have to fill in any forms!
> The council uses this scheme that helped me find a flat.
> Let me know here and I'll put my e mail.
----------------------------Short and sweet for you then slinky :)
I'm not in London, I'm Somewhere On The South Coast, unfortunately.
They have a scheme here, I signed up for it. But it's a non-monetary bond.... *me hears laughs*
Yes, even if I could find a landlord that accepted DSS, would they accept a non-monetary deposit? Not on your nelly.
Looked at local paper again today. About 30 ads for accommodation. Some were 2-3 bedrooms (too big); most wanted hundreds of £££ deposit, and all said "No DSS, smokers or pets."
I'm all three.But thank you soooo much for thinking of me slinky. That means a lot :))))
Kalyb xx
Posted by whiterabbit on June 23, 2003, at 16:24:30
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there,whiterabbit, posted by monkeypaw on June 23, 2003, at 9:16:47
I'm getting legal advice on the issue of moving and will handle that manner in whichever way is most beneficial to me. It would be incredibly dumb to run away now and leave him with the house and everything in it. Just because Mr. Midlife Crisis doesn't want to be married anymore is not a good reason for me to surrender the house that I helped buy and pay for, and to spend a great deal of money that I don't have to set up house elsewhere. However this is obviously a temporary situation, once the legalities are taken care of and I'm sure of receiving my fair share of the assets we own, I'll be on my way.
-Gracie
Posted by monkeypaw on June 23, 2003, at 17:41:46
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » monkeypaw, posted by whiterabbit on June 23, 2003, at 16:24:30
i am so glad to hear that you have a plan. I did not mean that you should leave everything to Mr. Crisis. I am so glad that you have a plan. I am sure you will get what you have worked your life for. I wish you luck and peace. I just know from experience it is a lot easier to get it over with as soon as possible so that you can start your new life and finally be happy. Sure it won't be easy but I am sure you are strong and you will thrive.
Posted by whiterabbit on June 23, 2003, at 18:07:38
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » whiterabbit, posted by fallsfall on June 23, 2003, at 9:33:54
I am feel MUCH better but whew....what a long strange trip it's been.
-G
Posted by whiterabbit on June 23, 2003, at 18:33:30
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » slinky, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 15:53:41
Didn't mean to sound bossy, talk about overstepping your boundaries, this stranger from cyberspace steps in and insists that you move!
I'm overemotional because of my own situation is all. But if you don't mind, I would really like to send you a book that I know you would enjoy, it's called "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Wayne Dyer. See this is no big effort on my part at all because I sell books on amazon and mail them out all the time - right now I'm trying to get rid of a truckload of books so I don't have to move that stuff with me when I leave my happy home.Send me your address if you want the book and write me anytime whether you want the book or not.
Maybe I can see England one day and you could show me around. You can e-mail me at gracie2114@aolcom.
-Gracie
Posted by slinky on June 23, 2003, at 20:23:34
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » slinky, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 15:53:41
.most wanted hundreds of £££ deposit, and all said "No DSS, smokers or pets."
> I'm all three.I went through the same problem bout a year ago/or maybe two??? It made me nuts.
Anyway..I used to search the net--the only one worth looking at is Loot online ads ,they used to accept some Dss + pets ok--I'm all three also so had to look for ground floor cause of my cat.
The mental health system won't help much..
I know people who get loans from dss interest free for furniture and stuff so maybe you can be a bit devious.??
Sorry can't help much futher..and I'm finding it bit difficult today to articulate.
Hope you find some solution.take care~
Posted by noa on June 23, 2003, at 20:50:18
In reply to Re: You HAVE to get out of there » slinky, posted by kalyb on June 23, 2003, at 15:53:41
Kaly, would you not be better off just renting a room in a home until a council flat becomes available? I know it means sharing--living in someone else's home, but you are already doing so and the situation you are in is so incredibly toxic. With a stranger, you could go into it with little expectation, just keep your boundaries, etc. while you wait. You might have to forego the hobby for a while, but it could be enough to keep you sane until a longer term solution comes about.
This is the end of the thread.
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