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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Hi All,
I'm sorry, I know I don't have much right to post here. I exited the board for a long time and never did post that much on Psycho Social, so I haven't been help to anyone here and now here I am asking for your help.
I just don't know what else to do. There's just too much debris from long-term mood disorder and I totally detest the person I've turned into: needy, ineffective, drab, ugly & tired looking, a loser, someone who is just taking up resources on the planet. Life is passing me by and I can't seem to break out. I'm totally worn out in every way and don't want to fight anymore.
All my friends/collegaues are moving ahead in life. They have the kinds of jobs I wanted but can't seem to get.
They have children and nice partners - I haven't had a boyfriend in years and desperately want a child (and am running out of time).
My job ends at the end of March and I am way behind on looking for a job and making career decisions. It's pretty tough to sell yourself when you hate yourself, are incompetent, and nothing sounds appealing. I worry I'll never find a work environment with flexibility to acommodate my fluctuating moods and energy and trips to the doctor.
I can't afford to see my doctor often enough and she's good so I don't want to switch pdocs while everthing else is unstable. I just saw her, I wasn't doing too badly, and now.....crash...
I can't afford to see my therapist often enough now either. My family is of *very* limited use as emotional support.
I'm losing friends because of neglect. The ones who are still around, I'm afraid they won't be able to stand me much longer.
I feel like the universe is crashing down on me and there's no way out.
I'm so sorry for posting such a long, whiny message. I know I should be grateful that I have food and a roof over my head and all. I am. But life still just hurts too much.
I don't know how to hang on and try to be productive anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole. Can you give me a few words to tell myself to keep me trying a little harder? How do you make it through the worst?
Thank you.
Emme
Posted by mikhail99 on February 8, 2003, at 11:28:04
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Emme,
Admittedly, it's hard to know what to say when someone is so low but you MUST hang in there. And don't apologize for not being on the boards that much, we all come and go quite a bit, depending on our needs and it's perfectly fine for you to ask for help. The other thing I would tell you is to not beat yourself up for not feeling gratitude for food and shelter, that just makes you feel more guilty. We can appreciate these things when we're feeling good, that's true gratitude but to try and make yourself feel it, it's counterproductive right now.
When I feel really bad, I have to remind myself that it doesn't last forever, that it always passes and the next day will probably be better. I think those of us with depression really have to take it one day at a time. Try not to focus on what others have so much, instead try to think of what you can do to help yourself right now. I'm sorry your family is so useless, that's a crime that you can't call on them when you need them. If you like, you are more than welcome to email me at mikhail99@aol.com, I check my mail quite often.
Are you taking meds now? I know you feel you can't afford it but I really think you should call your pdoc or therapist and tell them how badly you're feeling, I'm positive they would want to know and help you.
Please hang in there and take care of yourself. You are not alone and someone does care!
Mik
Posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 13:46:35
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
"Have no right to post here" ?
Emme....... THAT'S what this board IS for! When it used to be better, I could whine about something, and immediately get 5 or 6 replies of encouragement that day.
The advantage of this, or any community board dedicated to a specific interest, is that WE ALL NEED HELP! Some of us are better off than others. Some have HUGE crisis situations, sometimes life-theatening situations, where THIS (or similar) boards may be that last one hope for a word, a thought, a feeling, a confirmation, a justification a REASON to hold on one more day. I have seen that happen, and have even been brought out of my deepest black holes here. When the quality people HELP, this can be an EXCELLENT forum. I, for one, have been a "PB expat" for the past 6 months or so, as I felt I had nothing to add of relevance. Well, I am "back" until I get booted again, and I, for one, am always willing to hear a little whining than to fear someone I could help is suffering unnecessarily because they didn't feel they had the "right" to post here. Please, spill your guts HERE, and not in the real world. Maybe, just may be, you'll read that one word that might just make a difference.
PAX
Posted by ShelliR on February 8, 2003, at 13:47:09
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Hi Emme,
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I don't think the right drug can just hand you self-esteem, but I think that the right combination of drugs (ADs +) can put you in a position where it is easier for you to see the good things about yourself and move forward (with your therapist) to get your life on a better track.
You say you have a good psychiatrist. Is she working on finding the best combination of drugs for you? You say in your post that you're weren't doing as badly when you last saw her AND that is wasn't so long ago.
Is it possible that you are forgetting that being this low isn't your state all the time, maybe just a really bad week for you? When we're in that black hole, we tend to lose all perspective. Can you call her or your therapist to help you regain some perspective and figure out a plan to jump start you out--like an extra appointment or a change in meds? In the mean time, remember that this is a temporary state and you need to hang in there. Gather all the strength and support you can and remember that we've all been there, and you too, will get through this.
Breathe deeply,
Shelli
Posted by Miller on February 8, 2003, at 14:25:18
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Dear Emme,
Believe it or not, I was in the same situation just two weeks ago. I was so sure that life had no meaning, I took two bottles of sleeping pills in hopes of not waking up.
After they rushed me to the hospital and pumped my stomache, I landed in a mental hospital for over a week.
What did I learn? Look for a crumb. You have at least a crumb of hope out there. It could be a friend that you have isolated yourself from, it could be a pet, it could be that you are meant to help someone else. Look for the crumb it is there.
Once the crumb is found, you will start to see other crumbs. Be honest with yourself. The crumbs will start to appear. Gather them, cherish them.
The ultimate goal, of course is to build your crumbs into an entire sandwich of hope and comfort. I haven't gotten my sandwhich built, as of yet. BUT, I do know that it will come.
If you are having too hard of a time finding your first crumb or two, please, go to a hospital. The people there are trained in the art of crumb-finding. Nobody wants you to feel so desperate. There is hope and comfort out there for you.
Please post back to keep us imformed as to your progress. We know you can do it. Now it is time for you to know it, too.
-Miller
Posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 14:41:15
In reply to crumbs » Emme, posted by Miller on February 8, 2003, at 14:25:18
Posted by dreamerz on February 8, 2003, at 16:33:04
In reply to This is lovely. You rock. (nm) » Miller, posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 14:41:15
Posted by mikhail99 on February 8, 2003, at 21:37:59
In reply to This is lovely. You rock. (nm) » Miller, posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 14:41:15
I third that! Your perspective made your posting all that much more important! You are the bomb!
Mik
Posted by Ginjoint on February 8, 2003, at 21:56:16
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Hey Emme...
Holy mackerel, sweetie, your post really struck home with me. I am going through much of what you described, especially the part about a career and having a child. How do I make it through the worst? Well, I'm still trying. But there's a couple of things that help.
First, I make sure to take my meds -- sounds easy, but I don't have insurance, and the drugs are VERY expensive. So when I run out, I sometimes try to go for a while without them. A bad idea. If you're running into this problem too, see if you can get samples from your pdoc (mine's been terrific about this). Or you can go to www.needymeds.com, find the company that makes your meds, and get into their patient assistance program. If you qualify financially, you can get the meds for free or at a reduced price.
Second, Emme, my pdoc gently suggested to me that each person on Earth is here for a reason. When I'm in the deepest depths, I try to remind myself of this. I know how hokey this sounds, but it's the only thing that has kept me afloat (and alive) for the past several weeks. YOU are here for a reason, Emme. You DO have much to offer, it's just the despair is blocking it from your view right now. The despair is temporary. How you touch and affect others is not, and it's obvious from your post that you have lots of insight. I bet your friends know this as well, and benefit from it. I can honestly say I know your worries about friends not wanting to be around you. You know how I got around this? I was brutally honest with those around me. I 'fessed up about my depression, my struggling, etc. Instead of running in the opposite direction, several people then opened up to me as well, in a big way -- it was as if a wall had been knocked down. Yes, I lost a couple of friends, and man, did that sting. But I know their shallowness will be their downfall. :) Anyway, it's not ideal -- no one is aware of just how bad it's been, and I'm going through a lot alone. But at least those around me haven't run.
I don't know you, but I believe in you.
Ginjoint
Posted by rayww on February 8, 2003, at 23:40:50
In reply to Re: Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Ginjoint on February 8, 2003, at 21:56:16
maybe the crumbs are the reasons. the crumbs need to be made into the sandwich too.
People are like a jar of odd buttons. We're all in there together, but if one finds it's spot on my shirt's empty spot immediately its value increases.
Sometimes we are the crumbs. Sometimes we are the odd buttons. Sometimes we are the shirt that is missing one, and sometimes we are the one who finds the missing button. But, occasionally, we are the button, the just right button that fits the spot.
Posted by shar on February 9, 2003, at 1:29:11
In reply to Re: Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by rayww on February 8, 2003, at 23:40:50
Your post really struck home with me, too. The external stuff we have to deal with (losing a job, watching people move on, relationships or lack thereof) add so much to our "regular" struggle with mental health issues that are often chemical in nature. So, along with something we have very little control over (chemical imbalance) we suffer the 'slings and arrows' life delivers.
One thing I also related to was how you seriously put yourself down (I often think about what a loser I am). For me, that's due to a lot of shame about where I am in life, and a billion other things. The deal about the self-deprecating thinking is it's bad for you (for us), and something we do have some degree of control over. My therapist said to me recently that as we get older, part of maturing is caring less that we aren't someone else's version of "good" or "ok" or "successful." Accepting that we are who we are, where we are.
Finally, horizons. I lived a long, long time with a bleak, desolate, cold, hopeless horizon stretching before me, an infinite highway of emptiness. However, I can assure you from recent personal experience, that horizon's can change *just enough* to make life bearable. They can even change enough to make life worth living. It may not take a huge shift at all, for you to find something good (not perfect ecstasy, maybe) in your life. Good enough to spark that little bit of will to live.
Until then, what Miller said. And, keep showing up, keep breathing, keep looking at your surroundings (sometimes nature can be very interesting). Just do what you can, and then give yourself a great big pat on the back for making it another day.
Good to have you posting again.
Shar
Posted by Emme on February 9, 2003, at 9:09:35
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
You folks are *the* best. I nearly cried after reading each message. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did a few weeks ago Miller. Thank you for sharing the crumbs message - that was great.
I'm still not 100% sure how to make it through the day or the months ahead and what I know I have to do. Knowing you all relate helps. Thanks for punching through some of the terror of isolation. I'll keep reading & rereading all of your posts and try to post back, especially when I feel like I'm hitting the end of the rope and want out (thanks Pax for the encouragement to write here).
I'm so terrified that I'll end up in a situation where I'll be so miserable I won't be able to handle it.
I'm afraid because for every day that's not so bad there seems to be another doozy of a day waiting for me. I'm so loaded up with fear of everything that I can't see straight.We're experimenting now with abilify. I'm glad to know about needymeds.com should I end up needing help in getting meds.
Later,
Appreciative Emme
Posted by Emme on February 9, 2003, at 9:30:07
In reply to Re: Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Ginjoint on February 8, 2003, at 21:56:16
> Second, Emme, my pdoc gently suggested to me that each person on Earth is here for a reason.... You DO have much to offer, it's just the despair is blocking it from your view right now. The despair is temporary.
But the despair comes back.... :(
> How you touch and affect others is not,
Yeah, you're right. I guess it's hard to know about subtle good effects we may have on people.
> 'fessed up about my depression, my struggling, etc. Instead of running in the opposite direction, several people then opened up to me as well, in a big way -- it was as if a wall had been knocked down.
I'm lucky that I do have a few sympathetic friends. I worry about burning them out and sometimes try to hold back a bit. And even sympathetic ones don't necessarily understand that it helps if they check in on you once in a while you at especially bad times. (I gotta stop and remember to call them when they have problems.)
> Yes, I lost a couple of friends, and man, did that sting. But I know their shallowness will be their downfall. :) Anyway, it's not ideal -- no one is aware of just how bad it's been, and I'm going through a lot alone. But at least those around me haven't run.
Their loss - those who've run. You seem like a pretty good person. I'm glad you have a support system and are still in there fighting.
> I don't know you, but I believe in you.
Thanks!
Posted by Emme on February 9, 2003, at 9:39:53
In reply to Horizons....Emme, posted by shar on February 9, 2003, at 1:29:11
> Your post really struck home with me, too. So, along with something we have very little control over (chemical imbalance) we suffer the 'slings and arrows' life delivers.
Yeah, the slings and arrows really push hard at the edges of mood control, don't they?
> One thing I also related to was how you seriously put yourself down (I often think about what a loser I am). For me, that's due to a lot of shame about where I am in life, and a billion other things. The deal about the self-deprecating thinking is it's bad for you (for us), and something we do have some degree of control over. My therapist said to me recently that as we get older, part of maturing is caring less that we aren't someone else's version of "good" or "ok" or "successful."
I know... it's true...beating up oneself is really bad. I find it so hard to stop despite the best cognitive -based efforts of my therapist. The need for external validation is nasty. And all those negative feelings seem to real and so amplified when I'm fogged in with a bad wave of depression. Do you find you have been able to take what your therapist said and translate it into feeling a little better? It often seems that I can hear and agree with what the therapist says, but it doesn't always make it to the emotional part of me.
> Finally, horizons. I lived a long, long time with a bleak, desolate, cold, hopeless horizon stretching before me, an infinite highway of emptiness. However, I can assure you from recent personal experience, that horizon's can change *just enough* to make life bearable. They can even change enough to make life worth living. It may not take a huge shift at all, for you to find something good (not perfect ecstasy, maybe) in your life. Good enough to spark that little bit of will to live.I'll try to hold on to that.
> Good to have you posting again.Thanks. :)
Emme
Posted by noa on February 10, 2003, at 18:32:39
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Emme, I am so sorry you are feeling this discouraged.
I can relate to some of the things you mention, although perhaps I am not experienceing them as intensely at the moment.
This line you wrote caught my eye:>>It's pretty tough to sell yourself when you hate yourself, are incompetent, and nothing sounds appealing.
because just today, I was discussing this very topic with my therapist.
You are definitely under a lot of stress!! Money, job, lack of support, etc.
I can't exactly say why, but I do believe there is reason to hope. I do believe things can get better. I am stuck in a kind of rut myself, but in a much better place than I used to be. But I used to not beleive that anything could get better, but it did. I know hanging on through all the hard times is so hard, but I hope you will because you never know how and when new opportunities will come by and that moods can get better and that can change your whole perspective.
I know how mood disorders can wear us down. I hope that you'll find at least some of the support you need here at PB, so you can hang in there until you see more hope for yourself.
Posted by likelife on February 10, 2003, at 22:58:44
In reply to Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Emme,
I don't know you, but thought I'd add my two cents...
I know that one of the most difficult things (if not impossible) for me to do when quite down is to turn my head to the side to try to take a different perspective on my situation. Why is it that we can only see the good when we're doing well?
I've just finished reading The Hours, by Michael Cunningham (which I don't recommend at the moment, because it can be horribly depressing if read in the wrong mood), who offers the following sentiments:
"There's just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we've ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more."
And I guess that's what I keep looking for, and trying to remember, though it's often difficult. Those moments when everything was shiny and new and brilliant, and possibility was laid out in front of me like a welcome mat, or like fresh flannel sheets on the bed. (Clearly, I'm not a poet.)
It takes effort to find them, but the effort is often worth it. And if you are at that point where this all seems terribly trite and well, small, I guess all I can give is a smile :) and a pat on the back, and a look that hopefully conveys that morning will come soon.
Take care,
Natalie
Posted by bee happy on February 11, 2003, at 19:24:15
In reply to Re: Horizons....Emme, posted by Emme on February 9, 2003, at 9:39:53
I am new to the board and am sure this little snippet has been quoted here a thousand times. Didn't Woody Allen put it right on the nose when he said something to effect of 99 percent of life is just showing up. Keep showing up Emme.
Posted by Emme on February 13, 2003, at 13:28:28
In reply to Re: Please....give me a few words of hope, posted by noa on February 10, 2003, at 18:32:39
> Emme, I am so sorry you are feeling this discouraged.
>
> I can relate to some of the things you mention, although perhaps I am not experienceing them as intensely at the moment.
>
> This line you wrote caught my eye:
>
> >>It's pretty tough to sell yourself when you hate yourself, are incompetent, and nothing sounds appealing.
>
> because just today, I was discussing this very topic with my therapist.
>
> You are definitely under a lot of stress!! Money, job, lack of support, etc.
>
> I can't exactly say why, but I do believe there is reason to hope. I do believe things can get better. I am stuck in a kind of rut myself, but in a much better place than I used to be. But I used to not beleive that anything could get better, but it did. I know hanging on through all the hard times is so hard, but I hope you will because you never know how and when new opportunities will come by and that moods can get better and that can change your whole perspective.
>
> I know how mood disorders can wear us down. I hope that you'll find at least some of the support you need here at PB, so you can hang in there until you see more hope for yourself.Thanks noa. (and thanks everyone) I hope you are right.
Likelife says to keep "showing up" so to speak. I'm trying But I'm afraid it's getting harder and harder to keep going and keep trying....Hey, at least googleblasting gave me a couple of minutes of fun.
Posted by Emme on February 13, 2003, at 13:31:50
In reply to Re: Horizons....Emme, posted by bee happy on February 11, 2003, at 19:24:15
Oops. Mistake in last post. It was Bee Happy who posted the Woody Allen quote.
Gotta love Woody.Emme's tired.
> I am new to the board and am sure this little snippet has been quoted here a thousand times. Didn't Woody Allen put it right on the nose when he said something to effect of 99 percent of life is just showing up. Keep showing up Emme.
This is the end of the thread.
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