Posted by Emme on February 8, 2003, at 8:11:55
Hi All,
I'm sorry, I know I don't have much right to post here. I exited the board for a long time and never did post that much on Psycho Social, so I haven't been help to anyone here and now here I am asking for your help.
I just don't know what else to do. There's just too much debris from long-term mood disorder and I totally detest the person I've turned into: needy, ineffective, drab, ugly & tired looking, a loser, someone who is just taking up resources on the planet. Life is passing me by and I can't seem to break out. I'm totally worn out in every way and don't want to fight anymore.
All my friends/collegaues are moving ahead in life. They have the kinds of jobs I wanted but can't seem to get.
They have children and nice partners - I haven't had a boyfriend in years and desperately want a child (and am running out of time).
My job ends at the end of March and I am way behind on looking for a job and making career decisions. It's pretty tough to sell yourself when you hate yourself, are incompetent, and nothing sounds appealing. I worry I'll never find a work environment with flexibility to acommodate my fluctuating moods and energy and trips to the doctor.
I can't afford to see my doctor often enough and she's good so I don't want to switch pdocs while everthing else is unstable. I just saw her, I wasn't doing too badly, and now.....crash...
I can't afford to see my therapist often enough now either. My family is of *very* limited use as emotional support.
I'm losing friends because of neglect. The ones who are still around, I'm afraid they won't be able to stand me much longer.
I feel like the universe is crashing down on me and there's no way out.
I'm so sorry for posting such a long, whiny message. I know I should be grateful that I have food and a roof over my head and all. I am. But life still just hurts too much.
I don't know how to hang on and try to be productive anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole. Can you give me a few words to tell myself to keep me trying a little harder? How do you make it through the worst?
Thank you.
Emme
poster:Emme
thread:36656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030208/msgs/36656.html