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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
I have not posted for quite some time. I read some of the current threads but never feel I have anything much to contribute. Many of the names are new (to me) and that can be intimidating. I feel like I am butting in to someone’s conversation.
At any rate, tomorrow, on August 16, 2002, I will be 50, yes count ‘em, fifty, ciquante, five zero years old. And I have to say, I am not looking forward to the last half (optimism) of my life. The first half had its ups and certainly its downs. Twenty years of depression – no not unremitting – but often enough. I thought once I accepted the diagnosis and worked at it, it would become a thing of the past. And while I have a better understanding of the disease and can control my responses to it a bit better, it still follows me.
I am married (23 years) have 2 daughters (15 and 16), a career job with only 5 years until retirement on a pension. I own a house. I own a summer cabin, a boat. I have 2 cats. I am unhappy most of the time.
I have been plagued the past number of months with the feeling that I do not have much to live for. I can reconcile that my daughters likely will not need me nearly as much in the future as they go their own way. I have done a good job with them, I think. My wife and I have grown apart. I have allowed this to happen by making no effort to be close. I attribute part of that to depression which can make it tough to work at a relationship and be close to anyone. I have lost most of my friends over the past ten years. I have not communicated there either and when we do get together, there is a good chance I will be morose and antisocial. What really bothers me is that the things I do for enjoyment like cycling, woodwork, reading, are not fun anymore either.
I have started to drink way too much lately. Not enough to affect my work, but enough that my wife has demanded that I cut back, and in fact, threatened to leave if I do not. I have not. I changed meds in May after I hit a real low. I don’t believe I have gotten back to where I would like to be. But I am sick of changing meds.
I look over my shoulder and wonder if the good parts of my life – getting married, having a career, raising children – are over. What is left? A deteriorating marriage, more depression. A life without enjoyment or purpose.
That’s my confession for now. I used to read sar’s posts and talk to her once in awhile. I enjoyed her humour and her laugh at yourself attitude. She was not laughing on the inside, I know, but she made me feel better. I will always remember her for that.
Thanks for listening.
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 15, 2002, at 18:07:17
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi Greg..It's hard for me to say something positive while I myself feel negative..life has many chapters some of us are trapped in a miserable book ..meds don't fix us or side effects disabilitating..
Maybe things grow sour for reasons--change..i don't know..my psycho said don't be afraid of change..blah blah..anyway Greg I wish i could advise or make you feel better I feel so unsupportive nowadays...sweetness and light
dreamer
Posted by BeArDedLADY on August 15, 2002, at 18:24:18
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi, Greg. I want to say happy birthday to you, and I really do mean it. That's my wish for you. I sort of know where you are, have been there a bit, know others who've been there a lot. It's not a nice place, but it's not a permanent place, either.
You are tired of changing your meds, and I can understand that. But aren't you more tired of living the way you are? ADs don't work too well if you're adding alcohol to the mix, you know, so you really have to cut that out. How about a birthday drink and then a new start?
It sounds like you probably love your wife but are too low to even say it. And you love your daughters, too. Please, let me assure you, there isn't a time that your daughters won't need you. In fact, as a daughter, I can attest to the fact that I need my dad more at forty than I needed him when I was a teenager. I'd be torn apart if I lost my dad now. And most girls feel that way when they are adults.
It's silly for me to tell you what you have to do--that you have to find what interests you now (not drinking) and concentrate on it, that you have to exercise to blow off steam, that you have to really talk to your wife before she does leave you and you find you don't have anything left to lose. I can tell you those things, but only you can put the motivation in you.
Can you see any of those good times? Can you feel how you felt? Do you want that again? If you can, treat yourself to a fresh doctor, a fresh start, and see if you can get a doctor who understands what you need. I went through two pdocs. My third said, "That's not what you need; you need this." And he tried me on something that worked for a month. Then he went for something similar but more powerful, and I've been great for three years.
It can happen.
And as much as cycling doesn't interest you now is as much as you need it. Ride fast. Ride hard. Get that adrenaline pumping and those endorphins working. Some stuff you CAN do on your own. Enhance your mood with a complex B vitamin and a multi. Those things are easy.
Make yourself feel better. Your life depends on it. And your daughters will depend on you. So be there.
Do you like cake, Greg? My daughter's middle name was going to be Cake because I spent my entire pregnancy eating white sheet cake. Get yourself a cake and some funny looking candles. Eat it by yourself or with your daughters and wife. Resolve to find your friends again.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Greet it with a new resolve. We want to see you wearing that watch after the retirement party.
beardy
Posted by mashogr8 on August 15, 2002, at 19:58:43
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Greg,
I have missed your posts lately. You are one of the originals that I learned from in years past and I expect to in years to come. I need to write more but I've got a darn deadline to meet and can't say more right now. I've been where you are lifewise, agewise and in some ways I'm still there. I need the chance to sort some of those issues you spoke about if you would be willing to share more ideas with me. I wish you would seriously consider staying. I'm afraid I don't know many of the people here either but I think identities and empathy bond pretty quickly here. I would rather read what you are thinking currently than going back to earlier posts. Please reconsider staying or at least, dropping by weekly. You have much to offer and maybe we can be of help to you. You have come to far (I know, not far enough) but don't leave now.
MA
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2002, at 21:26:05
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi Greg.
Although I've been here a year now, a lot of names on the board are new to me too. There has been a lot of turnover lately. :)
But they are a pretty terrific bunch of posters, I think, and would always welcome your jumping into a thread or starting one of your own. It would never be considered butting in.
I look at the future the same way you describe sometimes. It seems to stretch endlessly before me. Fortunately I have a cyclical mood disorder so it isn't a permanent thing, but it is terrifying nevertheless. It almost seems as though I'm trapped by the life I chose. It feels as if I have everything a person could want, and yet I have nothing. Are you blessed with a cyclical mood disorder as well? Or are your feelings more constant? I can see where that could be sooo discouraging.
I know everyone is giving you excellent advice, but I also know that doing the right things doesn't always lead to feeling as you would like. And medication changes are no fun at all, and so discouraging when they don't work. But there are so many instances where someone does find that right medication after years of trying. There is always hope. And there are grandchildren ahead for you, and girls always do need their dads.
Oh I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've got a migraine tonight and am not at my best. But I'll hit submit and hope that you find something useful in what I say, and forgive any foolish rambling.
Happy birthday Greg.
Dinah
Posted by Ted on August 15, 2002, at 21:39:24
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Greg,
Golly! You and SandraDee on the same day! :-)
I'm not tellin' when it's my day.....
> I have not posted for quite some time. I read some of the current threads but never feel I have anything much to contribute.Aww, you don't have to have anything to contribute. Just butt in like I do. Gabbi, Dinah, and Tabitha always seem to have something going that you can get into and tickle some giggles out of them.
Don't worry about being intelligent. I used to feel the same way, but I enjoy PSB much more when I am just plain silly. Heck, it doesn't even matter if I blush if they can't see me. Try it, you'll like it.
Ted
Posted by mair on August 15, 2002, at 22:03:23
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi Greg
You probably don't remember me but I do think of you and sar as a bit of a tandem. When I saw your name on this thread, it instantly made me think of sar again. I hope you do hang around some.
Horror of horror - I beat you by a week. The emotional build up was AWFUL. Now it just seems passe.
Mair
Posted by Ritch on August 15, 2002, at 23:01:20
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
> I have not posted for quite some time. I read some of the current threads but never feel I have anything much to contribute. Many of the names are new (to me) and that can be intimidating. I feel like I am butting in to someone’s conversation.
> At any rate, tomorrow, on August 16, 2002, I will be 50, yes count ‘em, fifty, ciquante, five zero years old. And I have to say, I am not looking forward to the last half (optimism) of my life. The first half had its ups and certainly its downs. Twenty years of depression – no not unremitting – but often enough. I thought once I accepted the diagnosis and worked at it, it would become a thing of the past. And while I have a better understanding of the disease and can control my responses to it a bit better, it still follows me.
> I am married (23 years) have 2 daughters (15 and 16), a career job with only 5 years until retirement on a pension. I own a house. I own a summer cabin, a boat. I have 2 cats. I am unhappy most of the time.
> I have been plagued the past number of months with the feeling that I do not have much to live for. I can reconcile that my daughters likely will not need me nearly as much in the future as they go their own way. I have done a good job with them, I think. My wife and I have grown apart. I have allowed this to happen by making no effort to be close. I attribute part of that to depression which can make it tough to work at a relationship and be close to anyone. I have lost most of my friends over the past ten years. I have not communicated there either and when we do get together, there is a good chance I will be morose and antisocial. What really bothers me is that the things I do for enjoyment like cycling, woodwork, reading, are not fun anymore either.
> I have started to drink way too much lately. Not enough to affect my work, but enough that my wife has demanded that I cut back, and in fact, threatened to leave if I do not. I have not. I changed meds in May after I hit a real low. I don’t believe I have gotten back to where I would like to be. But I am sick of changing meds.
> I look over my shoulder and wonder if the good parts of my life – getting married, having a career, raising children – are over. What is left? A deteriorating marriage, more depression. A life without enjoyment or purpose.
> That’s my confession for now. I used to read sar’s posts and talk to her once in awhile. I enjoyed her humour and her laugh at yourself attitude. She was not laughing on the inside, I know, but she made me feel better. I will always remember her for that.
>
> Thanks for listening.
>
Hi Greg,It sounds like you are ready for some new creations (mental-physical-spiritual-animal-vegetable-mineral-rock-paper-scissors). It seems that no matter where anybody is in their life or what they have or haven't accomplished we are always poised ready for something new to happen. The hassle is to realize that new paths of thoughts and ideas are always right where you begin them (always easy to say, always tough to do).
Mitch
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2002, at 5:15:52
In reply to Re: Hi all » Greg A., posted by Dinah on August 15, 2002, at 21:26:05
Oh wait. I knew there was a point to my post, I just drifted off before I got there.
Those feelings I have aren't real, they're just a bout with bad brain neurotransmitters or whatever. When my brain shifts, as it usually does, my outlook shifts. So it might be the same with you. Maybe it's just time for a med tuneup.
OK, this is early morning rambling, but I think that was the point of my previous rambling post.
And I'm apparently not afraid of butting in where I don't have anything useful to say. (grin)
Posted by Phil on August 16, 2002, at 7:16:01
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Greg, I just turned 49, never got married, bought a house once and lost it(and everything else)and never had kids. I'll never be able to retire unless a miracle happens. It's just about impossible for me to make any relationship work or to want to try. I fight with that 'what's left' feeling every day. In other words, I know how you feel despite the different paths.
I hope you find happiness and do your best to get off the booze. My family of origin were alcoholics and that has shaped my life negatively more than anything else.
Your daughters will always need you and love you and have hopes for your happiness. I'm sure the drinking scares them. I hope you don't allow it to go too far. I've seen the low bottom and I would not wish it on anyone in this world.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and, despite our thoughts about a grim future, it's still our choice to be content. Maybe not happy, but content in knowing there's a reason we've stuck around and need to move forward.
Your post really touched me and I hope we both find what we need. Or just realize how blessed we are. When your depression subsides, you can think of what has meaning for you now and do that.
There are no rules. As my mom used to say, it's your expectations. She was right.Phil
Posted by krazy kat on August 16, 2002, at 9:12:13
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Greg:
I'm not posting here at all anymore, but am obviously lurking. The rules for civility have become too strict and undefined for me, and no matter how I tried, I couldn't stay within them. Needless to say, and I was very sad to admit it, but I had to leave for my own sanity. (ha, ha).
But I always enjoyed your posts, and felt a connection with you. Please email me at:
if you would like to talk further. I have wondered where my Greg + A was and am sorry you are going through so much frustration....
Posted by SandraDee on August 16, 2002, at 9:56:27
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Well, today is my bday too... so let's celebrate together.
I agree with BeardedLady when she said a daughter always needs her dad. There was a time where I wanted to be away from both parents (in my very early 20's) but then they moved 2000 miles away and surely I did follow them a year or two later. I have a great relationship with my dad now, I look up to him and respect him, and I still need him.
ALSO, in response to your: "What do I have to look forward to?" type questions... You have BOTH daughters getting married (eventually) both daughters having your grandbabies... I'll tell you what, I never saw tears in my dad's eyes til he held my daughter. He was even in the room with us when I had her. 2:04am, and he was there. He didn't want to "see it" hahaha but he was off to the side and I heard him "that was a good push ___" (my nickname-which I'm not tellin') To just hear him in there meant so much. You have all those things and more - many more. Remember how you felt on your wedding day, and you already said it was happy - you get to be there to walk your daughters down that ilse. I am so glad my dad was able to.
Hope this brings some light to your seemingly gloominess right now. Hang in there.
I sometimes feel the same way at only 31. I'm married, two kids, just bought a house 2 months ago, housewife... what else is there... and then I remember those things I mentioned before.
Let's keep on hangin' on, Okay?
Posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:57:14
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi,
Your post was very moving. Wish my dad was a caring as you are. It's funny. You worry about your kids not needing you, I always felt like a burden, esp. financially. My dad was itchin' to retire when I was in high school, although money was a problem. (Lack of it.) Never supported my college dreams, even though I was pretty smart. It was clear to me that college would have been a financial burden for them, yet he bought a boat and a dream house for himself when I was 15.
I digress. I started this post about the alcohol stuff. I've been there. You know who got me to stop? Old School. Some of his, no BS posts, scared the livin' crap out of me. I still have difficulty with binge eating and very low depression but I'm determined not to get back to the bottle. I saved one of his old posts: "Drinking booze is always a bad thing if you have a serious mood disorder. Booze is one of the strongest central nervous system depressant drugs know to man. It just brings you down down and down some more .. . .booze just makes me more depressed. It screws up my sleep and worsens insomnia. It me makes me feel like I want to cry." I miss him, damnit.
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 16, 2002, at 10:17:49
In reply to Re: Hi all » Greg A., posted by krazy kat on August 16, 2002, at 9:12:13
My research is in ruins you little rascal : )
Posted by OddipusRex on August 16, 2002, at 12:54:42
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Happy birthday Greg. Things may change. I hope so.
Don't give up.
Posted by ShelliR on August 16, 2002, at 14:37:34
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi Greg,
Not much to add. I keep thinking as I read your post. You haven't lost anything YET.
You still have your wife, daughters, job, etc. Don't let them slip away. Gather all your strength and get back into the game. Talk to your wife. She will be thrilled that you feel bad that you have drifted. Talk to your daughters everyday. Let them know that now that you've reached the big 50, you love them more than ever.
Start by acting without necessarily believing fully. That's okay. I think the more you put out to pull your family in, the more you really will start believing. Beardy is right. I love my dad now much more now than I did when I was a teenager. And I need his love just as much.
If it takes a change of meds, do it. You still have half your life left.
Shelli
Posted by .tabitha. on August 16, 2002, at 14:58:16
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Hi Greg,
I can chime in on the advice about the drinking. It really does make it impossible for meds to control depression. My life really turned around after I finally decided I'd have to quit drinking if I wanted to get my depression down to a manageable level. I know it's hard when it seems like oblivion is the only relief, but in the long run it just causes more misery. Hang in there.
Tabitha
Posted by Greg A. on August 16, 2002, at 21:00:55
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. Will try to keep you posted and perhaps seek your collective advice again.
Greg
Posted by Susan G on August 16, 2002, at 21:45:24
In reply to Re: Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 16, 2002, at 21:00:55
Greg,
I wanted to send one more Happy Birthday wish your way. I hope this year brings some wonderful, positive changes for you.I would like to respond to some of the things you are going through since some are familiar to me but you know how some days you just can't seem to find the right words? I'm having one of those days so I will just leave it at that.
Sue
Posted by KarenR on August 21, 2002, at 7:35:57
In reply to Hi all, posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
Greg A, where are you??? You didn't get back to me last week and I'm just worried. Even came all the way to PSB looking for you! I haven't been here in months either. Let me (and everyone else!) know you are ok.
KarenR
Posted by mashogr8 on August 21, 2002, at 17:02:09
In reply to Where is Greg A.??? » Greg A., posted by KarenR on August 21, 2002, at 7:35:57
This is the end of the thread.
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