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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rust on July 18, 2002, at 0:04:42
Hi
I am so tired.
It seems that my depression never ends. I have tried 7 different meds. I have tried 3 different types of therapy (4 if you count marital). I am getting so tired of my life being run by this messed up brain of mine. I can't stand up for myself in arguments with my wife, I can't get my work done, I can't organize anything. I feel alone, dead, and just tired. I'm sorry if I sound whiney (which I am probably being) but
Is this just what it's like? Do I really have to deal with this for the rest of my life? My first shrink told me that it was temporary. He proceeded to tell me that 3 times after 3 attempts to stop the meds and me crashing back lower than I was when on the meds. I really don't know what to do. CogB didn't help, EMDR felt good, cost way too much, and didn't give lasting results, and dynamic therapy has done squat.
Help
Posted by shar on July 18, 2002, at 1:15:24
In reply to does this ever end, posted by rust on July 18, 2002, at 0:04:42
yes, it has been known to end for some people with the right combo of meds and/or therapy, and for some people, once they are stabilized for a while, they can bounce back for real.
I don't know how long this has been for you, but don't give up yet. you might want to look at the med board, too (that is plain old psycho babble).
S
Posted by tabitha on July 18, 2002, at 2:46:23
In reply to does this ever end, posted by rust on July 18, 2002, at 0:04:42
The road is long but it isn't endless.
For me it was about 8 years from realizing I needed medical care to being mostly stable. I went thru 5 therapists, 4 pdocs, and probably 15 different meds to get there. It was a steady improvement during that time though. Just finding a halfway right med was the biggest step. Quitting alcohol was the second. Therapy and support groups did the rest. I am not 100% now but I'm functioning consistently, and feeling OK much of the time.
Posted by Roo on July 18, 2002, at 15:36:10
In reply to Re: does this ever end » rust, posted by tabitha on July 18, 2002, at 2:46:23
Tabitha--I can't remember if I've already asked you this or
not--what meds do you take? Tell me a little more about your
med journey if you don't mind....I am feeling pretty damn miserable again. I am so sick of
this illness. And I think everybody else is sick of me too,
and who could blame them--I am an absolute downer. And it's
so hard for anyone to understand if they haven't been through it
themselves. That's why sometimes I wish it was a physical illness
I had rather than a mental illness--then maybe people wouldn't expect
me to be able to think myself out of it. Actually it's probably ME that
puts that pressure on myself. I have such a hard time accepting that
this is a biological illness and that I have to take medication for it.
I should probably increase the effexor I just started, but I just can't
make myself do it yet. I've worked hard to lose 10 pounds and I've already
gained 2 pounds just being on this stuff for a week. So frustrating. And
of course forget about sex. I wouldn't have such a hard time with the idea
of taking meds if they didn't make me fat and asexual. I am trying acupuncture
in a couple of weeks...but I have to say, I don't feel all that hopeful.I hate feeling like this. I've been in a funk now for 3 years and it's wearing
me out. I'm starting to lose hope. Life seems empty, painful and
meaningless and yet the frustrating thing is I KNOW I would never kill myself.
Rust...I am feeling very similarly to you right now...
I don't have any uplifting words though, unfortunately...just
that I know how you feel and I sympathize. I'm sorry if I took over
your post by getting all focused on me, me, me...
Posted by Willow on July 18, 2002, at 23:34:50
In reply to Re: does this ever end--Tabitha and Rust, posted by Roo on July 18, 2002, at 15:36:10
Hey Roo
My uncle just recently used accupuncture for back pain and noticed that it improved his mood also. Thought you would like to hear this.
Give the effexor time. I noticed improvement even after four months of being on it. Once the mood issuses are under control it is easier to work on other ones. For myself it is a slow process of trying to build my self-esteem back.
Best Wishes
Willow
Posted by tabitha on July 19, 2002, at 1:38:08
In reply to Re: does this ever end--Tabitha and Rust, posted by Roo on July 18, 2002, at 15:36:10
Hi Roo,
Sorry you're not yet getting the improvement you'd hoped for, but hasn't it only been a couple weeks? They do say to give it 4-6 weeks I think.To answer your question, I'm now on neurontin+celexa, with melatonin and occasional ambien for sleep. My pdoc just added topamax because I've been cycling more lately, but the first one made me dizzy for 48 hrs and I haven't taken it since. Tonight I think I'll try chopping the topamax into quarters. I get the whole libido-destruction thing too, plus my hair falls out every few months (not all of it, it just gets thin) then grows back. If there's a perfect solution I haven't found it yet, but I'm holding steady these days.
Still doing my meditation, almost daily.
T
Posted by Roo on July 19, 2002, at 11:08:31
In reply to accupuncture » Roo, posted by Willow on July 18, 2002, at 23:34:50
Thanks Willow--That is encouraging...I see the
acupuncturist next week...I'll let everybody know
how it goes....god, I SO hope it works (especially
for the money!)
Posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 20:19:35
In reply to Re: does this ever end--Tabitha and Rust » Roo, posted by tabitha on July 19, 2002, at 1:38:08
I shall now make sure I read the posts before I think I need to post a post. I belabored a question to pose which was about a foot long, put it on hold, and read Rusts query, which was basically everything I wanted to ask in about 1/4 of the space.
Thank-you all who answered Rust because well I needed to hear that too. I o'd two nights ago, and was unable to thank the person who "saved me"
because I really was horrified to find myself awake after having seriously over quite a long period of time just absolutely given up. Worn out,tired of the way not being able to depend on my own brain was ruining my life.Still exhausted, lonely, but I will give it another shot.
I really appreciated my Psych doctors humorous serious approach. He said, while lifting up a book about 8 inches thick consisting of purely psychotropic medications.
"You are permitted to kill yourself, but only after we have tried every combination of every medication in this book"...
He is a "sufferer" himself yet the head Psych-doc-specialist in medication at two major Universities, has about 18 letters after his name, is relentlessly cheerful, patient, and reliable, and has never taken more than 1/2 an hour to return a phone call even if I specify its not an emergency.(doesn't get paid for that either.It makes me feel a little hopeful and yet sluglike at the same time. (sigh)
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2002, at 20:33:40
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all, posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 20:19:35
Oh Gabbi, I had wondered where you were the last day or so, but I had no idea....
I wish I could thank the person who saved you too. And your pdoc. He sounds like a terrific guy. And right too. Things can and do get better and I'm sure there are many people who look back on feeling the way you do and are so glad they held on. And you have several thousand medication combinations to figure it out.
The stress you're under right now certainly can't help any, either.
Hunker down Gabbi and hold on tight. There is a lot worth holding on for. Imagine never eating another mango! Or never hearing Eric Clapton again! Or never seeing the view from the top of a mountain!
Oh darn. I hope I don't sound too infernally cheerful. I know how annoying that can be.
Take care Gabbi.
Dinah
Posted by mair on July 19, 2002, at 20:52:40
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all, posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 20:19:35
Gabbi
It sounds like you've really had a rough time of it, but fortunately have a great pdoc. I got a note from mine the other day telling me that I needed to understand how many alternatives were really out there. It's a message I think we have to hear over and over.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Mair
Posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 22:21:44
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all » Gabbi, posted by mair on July 19, 2002, at 20:52:40
Dinah, at first I wasn't going to say anything, because I wanted you all to think I was just showing such remarkable restraint in my postings.
And don't ever worry about sounding too relentlessly cheerful thats what I love about this site,when you know that the cheery person is battling the same demon, it comes across as hope, not as platitudes.
Mair, Thanks, for just caring enough to respond, I had no idea that these "cyber supports" can evoke such a visceral response, Its like you are right in the same room with me.
Right now, I feel like I'm not doing much supporting just doing all the sponging and I apologize but if I offered any suggestions I'd feel like a hypocrite.
And yes I have more to say (sorry) It's sort of a question/rant.
Before I became depressed I had standards, and was quite able as well to realize someone being nasty could just be in a bad mood, hungry, whatever. The depression though is so isolating, first imaginary, now literally and emotionally, that I grasp onto any little bit of attention I get and grieve its loss, even when the 'real me knows I'm being silly.
ie' This guy I've been buddies with for 15 years, and in the past year have occasionally slept
with, and previously always thought well he's a good guy, but not to swift, and thats why we were just friends.Well, the night of my O'd MY mom had told me that she wasn't going to pick up my medication which I needed THAT DAY, She'd offered, I don't think its her job. Because of an imaginary "sin" I'd committed, she thought HORRORS I"d signed out a video in her name, when in fact Id put a deposit on it to rent it, because I don't have an Adress.
She decided to punish me by not getting my medication when she came back and told me this it was too late drugstor closed. I told her that using medication as a behavior modification tool was a little sick in my books, The upshot was she said "you have no place to live cause nobody wants you"I was ordered to take a trip to my Dad's an hour and 1/2 bus ride, did that, entered an empty apartment, felt more abandoned than usual, and of course no medication(no real 1/2 life on this stuff either)
Back to the guy, I called him, was not teary, have supported him in the past, just wondered if I'd see him for a movie on the weekend. Turns out in the past week he's become in his words "enlightened" gone to all this crystal, chakra therapy stuff and had decided that the reason I was gang raped years ago was because I only attract negative energy and must enjoy being abused..... when I mentioned that I liked him because he was gentle and affectionate, so the theory didn't make sense, he said I was being confrontational, and wanted nothing more to do with me because my bad energy would of course interfere with his "enlightenment.
NOW, of course this was the proverbial straw, however at one time I would have chuckled that someone would brag about being "enlightened' I think that comment erases itself. Would have thought oh what a flake, he thinks now he exists in a vacuum and doesn't need to support anyone else, blah blah.
But I couldn't feel that, all I felt was grief as if I'd lost someone I had truly loved, and because I had already feeling beaten down for a long period, that was the trigger for the O'd.
What I'm asking is, how do you maintain some sense of discernment in depression, when its an emotional reaction. Is there a way. I'm still two weeks away from my Pdocs appt. My previous quote from him, was from my first suicide attempt. The Psych ward doc from Tuesdays attempt refused to refill my clonazepam which was to keep me somewhat stable until my complete A.D overhaul with my "hero" pdoc, who is out of town, so I can't make an earlier appt with him.
I feel o.k today, but I'm worried, that some "little" or easily rationalized thing could tip me over again, and I really was not grateful that I was saved from this most recent attempt. But I believe you when you say "hang on" its not forever.... today. I may not be able to believe it tomorrow.
Once again, I apologize for being so wordy, I'm too tired to worry about editing right now.'Thanks
Posted by tabitha on July 19, 2002, at 23:47:27
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all, posted by Gabbi on July 19, 2002, at 20:19:35
Oh, Gabbi, I am so glad you pulled through. I would seriously miss you if you were to depart. Your doc sounds really cool.tabitha
Posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 0:14:21
In reply to Re: does this ever end -Thanks Y'all » Gabbi, posted by tabitha on July 19, 2002, at 23:47:27
Ya know I believe you, but I can't quite believe it. I just think I must be annoying. Thank-you. Oh God, thank-you. I'd be missed? really? wow.
as for my Pdoc, I am so lucky... It sounds like I'm bragging about him, but then I realize, hey, I'm not having him over for dinner I'm his patient..
I made the mistake of not seeing him for a yr..going to closer docs, listening to them, totally got messed up. He's like a super hero
I was in the ward a while ago (voluntarily) tapering off Ativan a plan was worked out with my G.P They broke their promise,cold turkey'd the ativan switched me to another drug, which I pleaded for them not to give me (had it before) removed one of my other meds (dexedrine)saying it would make things easier,I tried to tell them it calms me, it doesn't increase my anxiety. They said that was not possible.
Was told I wasn't going through withdrawl, I was having a power trip with the nurses. Middle of the night I was choking, hallucinating, trying to explain...
Phoned Super Doc on a SUNDAY sounding like a hysterical junkie... He came to the hospital in PERSON 3 hours away, To validate what I had told them... very proffessionally of course,and because he's taught most of them, there were many blushing people. It felt so great (petty as it may sound) But it also really made my heart break for people who can't articulate, or who are defenceless, nevermind not having someone like that go to bat for them. and no, super doc and I are not having an affair, I'm a regular patient and he treats us all that way.) So there is one who's true blue. Funny, he knows so much but he's the only PDoc I know of who doesn't act like he knows everything...And I'm never letting anyone else mess with my brain.
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2002, at 0:25:59
In reply to Me and My PDoc » tabitha, posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 0:14:21
I'm always so happy to hear someone has a really great pdoc or therapist on their side. :)
As far as discernment goes, I have that trouble myself. Part of why I find my therapist so invaluable is that he serves as a reality check for me.
You can always run ideas by us for a bit of a reality check, but I'm guessing it also helps to have someone in real life. Maybe we can put our heads together and think of something.
You are a worthwhile person Gabbi. In the midst of all your trouble, you reached out to others on this board. You're worth fighting for.
Posted by tabitha on July 20, 2002, at 1:18:09
In reply to Me and My PDoc » tabitha, posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 0:14:21
Annoying? No. Energetic, feisty, and funny, Yes. And a night person to boot!
Posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 3:13:20
In reply to Re: Me and My PDoc » Gabbi, posted by tabitha on July 20, 2002, at 1:18:09
I'd always thought that was your domain!
You and several of your witty counterparts, I thought I was a dull thud after your conversations. You have no idea how good that made me feel.Thanks
Posted by tabitha on July 20, 2002, at 3:44:16
In reply to Funny? Thats so cool. , posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 3:13:20
Your posts in the mango thread were cracking me up. And besides that, I just look forward to seeing you around the boards.
Reminds me of when you told me you admired my use of words, and I was confused because I thought you meant Ctrlaltndel, who had put up the original incredibly suggestive post about mangoes. I thought my words were clunky and non-poetic compared to others.
I guess we've got some self-esteem issues here, girl! (Not to mention that nasty negative filter of depression).
Posted by Susang on July 20, 2002, at 14:20:45
In reply to does this ever end, posted by rust on July 18, 2002, at 0:04:42
Arrgghh! I have just composed two posts, re-read them and decided I sound like a babbling idiot so I deleted them. I will simply say that I read these posts and want to respond with support for those who are in such pain but I just can't seem to find the right words. I feel bad about not responding more often and wish you knew that I (and others) are out here "listening" and following your situations with great interest and concern. You have friends you don't even know about. I appreciate those of you who do respond, and do such a wonderful job of extending that support.
Sue
Posted by mair on July 20, 2002, at 15:17:57
In reply to Poster's Paralysis, posted by Susang on July 20, 2002, at 14:20:45
None of us is ever as articulate as we'd like to be most of the time. I think I lurked forever before I got up the courage to post and I too sometimes feel bad that I just can't think of what I think will be the right thing to say. However, having been at the receiving end of support many times, i can tell you that it's just very gratifying to know that there are people who care about your plight. You should never feel reticent about letting us know you're out there, and definitely don't feel reticent about asking for some support even if you don't have a specific question but just want to rant and vent.
Mair
Posted by beardedlady on July 20, 2002, at 15:39:04
In reply to does this ever end, posted by rust on July 18, 2002, at 0:04:42
I noticed this thread went on a little sidetrack, and I am wondering about you, about how you are doing.
I don't know if you do any other things to make yourself feel better, and I don't know the extent of how you feel. But one thing that has seemed to really work for me, at least in regard to feeling good, is (and you probably don't want to hear this, but it works for most people I know, so I'm saying it anyway) (drum roll, please) (ta dah!): exercise.
Yes, first thing in the morning, before or after coffee (it doesn't matter), I race walk four miles. I used to exercise for half an hour, but that didn't work for me. I have to go at least 45 minutes at a sweaty pace, and I feel pretty euphoric afterward and quite up all day.
B vitamins also help. And when it's really bad, I watch Jerry Springer.
I do not have chronic depression, but I am prone to episodes of depression and have been since I was a child. Nothing has given me a better mood than regular exercise (and my Serzone, though it's for sleep, and I think I'd be happier without it!). I was robbed at gunpoint about a month ago, and I have not needed sleeping pills, and I have not been weepy or sad.
If exercise does not work for you or hasn't in the past, I want to add that it may take a week of regular exercise for your body to adjust and tell your brain how happy it is. Exercise does wonders for self-confidence, too, so standing up for yourself to your wife is a good side effect.
Please post and let us know how you're doing.
beardy
Posted by Gabbi on July 20, 2002, at 23:49:04
In reply to Re: does this ever end » rust, posted by beardedlady on July 20, 2002, at 15:39:04
Beardedlady,
that was very diplomatic of you not to name names, but I'm at fault for screwing up that thread, and should know better. The thoughtfulness(sp) of everyone here is humbling.
Rust I'm sorry, I'm just lost right now too, and send all the positive thoughts I have in your direction. (I still have a few left)
This is the end of the thread.
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